There is a pain swelling
Like a boat listing in the ocean
And every time, all I feel is the sickness
Sickness with Pain.
One and One make Two..
So why am I all alone?

Because the Two has split
And I'm alone as One
Shattered to millions of pieces,
With no hope for recovery,
Because you stole my chance
The Glue for My Heart is gone.

And everytime the Two talk,
it is like a song stuck on repeat,
With me writing false messages
Of Hope and Wonder for the Future
And desiring to speak my mind to You
I'm Alone and Lost without My Light

And How I Really Feel is Sick
Sick, Disgusted, Lifeless, Hated
Prove me wrong, My Second Half,
And take a walk down Memory Lane
Open up the pain and embrace it with me
Because with You I can feel at peace
With Myself

But Deep Down, I feel it is my fault

My last boss, the last chain of command
complains and brags about his daughter to others now
not me,
because Friday they will hire my replacement

And he has stopped making eye contact with me, like the other one did a year ago
because why do they treat me so badly and
I'm still a person
And I'd like to walk right up to him and shout in his face that
if he were my father I'd have a lot of problems, too!

And I'd like to tell him as I've been told,
when you've thought of yourself as very intelligent for a very long time
it's hard to let go of it
and he met me, and well, I do not lack in that category
in sanity, perhaps

I want to scream and tell them all my most honest thoughts and have them listen
especially him, my last boss
But he will never listen to me, I'm told
My thoughts infuriate him
They run around his thoughts and lap them
and that is unacceptable

So every day I notice, every day, is a fresh form of torture
and appreciation
and no eye contact from your enemies,
things could be worse.

It is the same thing that we are told over and over
In all our classes, all our days
For one hundred and eighty days on end.

In math we are told about the Pythagorean theorem and Pathetic Fallacy~~
But some of us still do not know the value of "X".

It is after parents get called from teachers saying that their child is:
hyperactive
easily distracted
unfocused
doesn't do the proper thing
And that their child, who is brilliant, cannot be in a Level One class.

We all have different abilities and thought processes.
Why is it that a class full of individuals is tested by all of the same means?

Exams are the way society tells you your worth.

But it is the same society that:
says abortion is wrong but then looks down on teenage parents
promotes natural beauty but has models flushed with makeup, hair extentions, false lashes, and nails
shows slender people for their weight loss commercial that look like an hour glass already
has pastors that preach charity but own jets and sports cars
has Imams who preach against greed but are all fat
has parents who want their child to get a good education to get a good paying job but hate how rich the neighbors are
is run by governments that preach peace but endorse war
Has colleges who want smarter kids but increase the tuition

What does it mean to "make the mark?"

to the kids who study hard and barely miss the target
to the kids that know what it feels like to be worth that D or that A when a teacher hands back a test
to the kids who are never good enough in their English teacher's eyes
to the kids whose writing is missing key literary techniques or was too informal to be understood

What does it mean to "make the mark?"

to the math teacher who pesters you about trying harder when you can't tell them "X" but can tell them the date of any war
to the science teacher who tells you to know the periodic table and yells in distress of their 'worst student'

We're told everything that we learn we'll use the information again but never do when we walk out the door.

They try to prepaid you for the world, but they don't prepair you for life.

always being the second best
not getting the scholarship that you needed to go to college
not getting the solo on your last concert night.

not being able to make the mark

What does it mean to "make the mark?"

I hold in my hands
The beginning of a poem.
The beginning,
Or perhaps the very end of a loose string.
Eyeing me.
Asking me,
You,
Who sit behind the desk,
You.
Do you forever wish to maintain this?

Do you never wish
To sit below?
Above?
In front of?
Inside?

That’s stupid,
I say,
You can’t sit inside a desk.
It’d have to be industrial-
Sized.
And they don’t make those,
They don’t.

The string hasn’t moved.
It simply says-
‘I’m not joking.’

---

‘Do you wish to meet your heroes,
beggars, fools, enemies, lovers, and
every walk of human who walk
forever in the in-between?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you wish to know
life
and death
instantaneously,
contemporaneously,
with solemnity,
with contempt,
and know
every moment and feeling
inbetween?’

‘Yes.’

‘You shall know little else.’

‘Do you
wish to wish
wish to want
want to wish
and so on
and so forth?’
The string asks me tirelessly.

‘Simply put,
I am always wanting.
I am always at fault.
I am never wrong
But I am never right
Either.’

‘You know this
and little else.

Live both in
This world
And outside it.
View this place as it were never meant to be.
Like you,
It waiting to see
And be seen.

Like me,
It is a string.
It is nothing,
And yet to pull
Means everything

You have been summoned to task.
I have been left here to
Ask you:
Will you do it?’

The string has not moved
But my hands are shaking.

‘No,’
I say,
‘Yes.’

I'm trending love.
I'm trending hate.
I'm trending the fact that you always reply a little too late.
I'm telling you that you are less than enough.
And when you fuck me, its a little too rough.
Pounding away like you're shooting a gun.
All too soon.
I never come.
Too pretty to make you feel let down.
Fake it always, you're the shittest rodeo clown.
Take off your fuckin face.
Eat me wide, go on, give me a taste.
Sink your teeth into my bare flesh,
feel my history in my blood
seek me out in all my mess.
I am showing you darling
in my very sweet tones
that my succinct naivety is nothing more,
than what you want from your white ash bones.
I am trending you
I am trending your cock.
I am trending the look you wear
and the music you rock.
I am seeking a feeling more than text, a wink or smiley face.
Look, At, ME.
Am i that easy to replace?
Bitterness is found in the sweetest pill
i'll bend your ass, i'll bend you over,
I'll fuck you at will.
I will move my trend towards your neck
outpour my lack of interest in your ear,
tell you what it is you want to hear.
Fuck you, and fuck your nation.
Fuck your distinctive'taste',
and your senseless judgement and interrogation.
I am not some sweet-ass-fuck-drive-by-shooter-girl,
I have fucking brains,
I am seconds away from tearing apart your world.
I am living safely from behind my defensive line of white hair,
fuck that shit, i don't want closeness
rip my clothes off, don't leave till i'm wanton and bare.
Oh and i am trending your messages
I am trending all of you.
I am not trending depression, fucked up or feeling blue.
I am trending love, trending the great divide.
I made it through and over, to the other side.
I am not what you will ever believe me to be
a glimmer, of a hint, in a riddle, is all you will see.
I am trending what is insane, and what is not,
I am thinking, your thinking of,
'what the fuck has this girl got?'
I am not here to make you laugh, or for you to wish for more,
I am here to be left broken and wet,
on your kitchen floor.
I am trending honest, i am trending passion and life,
I am trending a big fat fuckin smile,
Because I am not your possession or your future wife.
I am not trending your cock size, or  your 16 positions in one night,
I don't want you to cry on my shoulder
I am not trending 'your mother', i have earnt that right.
Look, At. ME.
Second chances rarely come as few
and when i walk away, i will walk away with a taste of you.
I am sweetness, i am luxury divine,
make me bite you, scratch your back, forget the time.
But at my cost, at my control, this will be,
you are not my attachment,
my soul is not your key.
I am trending love, i am trending ME
for what is locked within, is never for free.
Fuck.
Me.
What a trend

Hannah decided to have a heartwarming party
After all home is where the heart is
So she invited anyone with lungs that breathe
To come share the warming air

She typed up a flier that read:

I welcome you all to see
The moon meet the sun
Cover charge: one body handshake

The drug for this evening will be hugs
I've heard if you have too many or
Squeeze too hard you can
Overdose on love
But we will take our chances

Bring a friend or
Better yet an enemy

Show them that the
Night can dance with the day
It will dawn on them at dusk

This won't be one of those
BYOB affairs
More like bring your own everything
So we all can play emotional musical chairs

Smiles are free
Surrounded by such company
So be sure to RSVP
Even though walk ins are always accepted
It would make me so happy
To know you're coming! :)

I wish I could walk through the door.
I want to be on the other side.
They tell me to get off the floor.
I want to pass through and hide,
pass through the door of death.
I can smell the scent of the different rooms.
I can’t wait to feel the betrayal of the fumes.
I wish this bottle would get me higher,
higher to that lowest point.
For this inverse plan of disaster,
I shall begin to master.
Oh sanctuary,
why would you come to me?

Thinking much to fast,
and writing blood songs of the past,
as I stare at the scars on my wrist,
I begin to wonder,
was there something I missed?
Perhaps it was a cold deep purple sky,
more detached than that haunting smile in your eye.
Maybe it was two diffractions of symmetry.
For when the memory is possessed,
by an unknown passion of the gods’ eyes,
we will suddenly see softer tides.
I lie beneath the neon lights of the crosses and other anti figures,
dressed in blank stares with no air.
With closed minds,
they replenish and indulge their feedings on our lost soul,
and for them, it never seems to take a toll.
You gave me the words that were never there.

Today is a strange day.
As I watch the wealthy play,
I also see the children pray.
Oh a strange day.
I could see your lonely face looking back at me,
in the rear window of your parent’s Buick.
Your tears staggered down the dirty windows.
Drifting away, parting ways,
my thoughts always bring me to the sad days,
lingering intricate as a drawn out tragedy play.
You are a memory,
so vivid and extract,
quite detailed and exact.
Why did you come to me?

I sit here so isolate with so much on my mind;
Oh how my heart cry's out to you Jehovah ,
Your words hold my poor heart in the right
Way to go ,
I was so lost and a lone , didn't have nothing I
Could call my own , I didn't even have a home ,
Some time ago I had lost my way of better days;
why?
what have I done? I taken my eyes off of the true
God ; and started walking in darkness , I thought
I could do things on my own ;
Know I cry out ! Please don't leave me ,I need you
Jehovah , I love you I was so wrong to think I was
Better on my own without you to lead the way for
Me to walk ,
This torture of this old darken world ; destroyed me
I can't sleep, My heart keep taunting me , For doing
So wrong , This pain that I feel goes on night and day
kills my laughter, encourages more pain; and keep's
Me so deep in depression  of my wrong's ,
My soul cry's out like a old sad love song of long ago
When psalms of David cry's to come home ,
Jehovah find me ! tell me that everything is going to be
alright , That you are by my side ,
Just know Jehovah ; That I have made a stupid mistake
And I will keep walking in your ways of better day's .
The beating of my heart,and the throbbing in my brain
Was as if I was about to die to an empty place lost men
Call home of ever lasting ;
I had to cry of a reality check , This was not were I wanted
To be ! My heart belong to Jehovah of everlasting love
From heaven above ,
I had to cry many day's and lonely night ; Hoping and praying
You would hear my cry's ,
I had felt you don't want me , But just then I heard a voice say
In the dark pouring rain , Saying I gave my only begotten Son
Jesus to die for you , and for all mankind ,
So just then I could feel my heart mined ,And I new Jehovah head
My cry and told me to live life right in his eyes, From that time on
I moved on teaching others about Jehovah and his law's .

Lilly Emery