After looking back on the last few years with depth and hind sight. I've realized that I never really took a look at myself and what I was doing to the people around me. The selfish glut is over and the stark reality of the bed I've made is terrifying. I'm slashed deep and wide and my emotions are flowing out and my most guarded feelings are being shared with complete strangers. I've begin to cry infront of far too many people. I met a man today who's wife just left him also and in one look we shared the shame of what we've done to those we adored the most. We fought back tears in control of our composer tripping slightly at the raw we couldn't hide. The insight I refused to use could of saved me the love of my life. Instead I hid in our time of need the emotions I felt because I lost a child and couldn't deal with the consequences that my actions brought me. I realize now that I hid my real self from that moment on. The fears and sarrow that I had felt before were paled by light pulled to the depths of this black hole in my heart. I tore myself apart and threw the vulnerable parts to the bottom of my soul. Inadvertently cutting off myself emotionally from everyone around me. I weep at the relationships I missed out on. I just swallowed my aderals and drowned myself in work. Telling myself that success at my job is what my wife needed. More pay, more things, more happiness. The whole time I was snubbing those around me in brash strokes. I look back on a version of myself as a scout tilling and planting a yard for an old lady and compare that to a man who wouldn't open the door for his wife. What did I think I was doing? On the way home each day after long nights at work, I'd drown my stress in a couple cigarettes, deep breaths of sweet death, just to get home and hide my life in a bowl of pot. Letting the white clouds engulf me in the sparkling mess I didn't want to face. Stripping myself from the crutches was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember following a co-worker all the way to his car for a cigarette, after I vowed to never buy another. After that my resolve was strengthened and I stopped getting high. Little did I know the darkness just layers beneath the skin that clawed itself to Alcohol. In gulps I drowned out my sanity and made way for demons within. I write as if this was the first time, and I wish so badly this was the last. The demon downed a bottled of aderal, trying to finally wipe this disgust from the face of the earth. At the same moment failing completely and letting another demon in. The birth of "Paranoid K.C." My drunken rampage was the beginning of the end. I accused her of cheating losely based on texts I can't remember, forever ending the trust we shared, and losing the security that I would be there for her by trying to kill myself. Those were the moments my acts smeared the hallow ground that was our first home. The place my wife so beautifully asked me to marry her. The hearts still hang in my room. The socks I wore wrapped in the elastic that she wore in her hair still lays hidden. Secret relics to the religion of our past. Three days straight I was awake after swallowing that bottle. The first I lied awake jumping at every sound within our house thinking that someone was breaking in. The second was bad, the cars that drove by were people attacking. The whole world a nightmare. I had a class at work that day, regrettably I attended. I knew full well my eyes were dialated like two endless holes gaping into my black soul. In one long gaze with eyes dramatically pronounced the teacher acknowledged he noticed without alerting the rest of the class. Or was that just, "Paranoid K.C."? I felt such shame. The third night, we drove all night while the imaginary people followed ready to attack us. From that moment on, they stopped giving me the aderal. Thats when I realized the addiction it had become. Picking up the pieces of our life we made best of the waste I had left. We moved again not able to stand the terrible memories I, K.C., had created. We moved and bought a third of my parents house desperate for a third chance. This was our new hope. Our fresh start and it was looking good. We'd well mended from our wounds and the foundations of trust were in the horizon. In flippant disregard to who and what I am, we celebrated our new found haven. The Alcohol poured forth and we partied at our new found luck unaware of what was comming. Two nights in a row I let the demons back again in three bottles of bitter bases. I remember nothing, so Alyssa filled me in. Not only that I hurt Alyssa but was verbally abusive. Yelling and telling her that I never trusted her. Making fresh wounds of old scars. Finalizing her grabbing enough confidence to let me go. She left because I was selfish, and I have to live with that everyday. She says its her fault to, but that's something I can't believe from a faithful wife who stuck with me through all that. I feel like I have brain washed her without either of us knowing. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE!!!!
Ideas and the
lack of them
can cause disease
from too many cigarettes
you will find scars
that i was unaware of
Fall, oh rain! why mock our pain?
suffocate and squirm with your laments
engulf this tortured earth and soothe its tantrums
we are nothing but obstacles in between
while you drift through turbulent times
we stomp and watch, anticipating your despair.
Cry for us again; we are parched
your tears, to sate; this anxious wait
seems eternal before the darkness,
the grey - saturating all light
paints your gloom; that's so like you,
still hiding the sun away.
Spying on the unaware, your amorphous eyes
glare and pinch a wail, unwelcome gale
like burst fire you thrust water; no more
at your mercy we scour your shadows
your breathless hue ignites the senses
blooming hope in defeated hearts
..and death in your wrathful art.
If I stayed any longer,
I might have gone insane too.
He told me his name.
I never asked him why he was there,
Why everyone else avoided him.
I regret it now
But now is not the time,
There is no time left.
He said he could get out
Whenever he wanted.
He just had no reason to go.
He told me if I would come with him,
Stay with him forever, we’d leave.
Can you imagine that?
He even said he loved me.
The weirdest part is, I think I loved him to.
I would keep trying to remember
Where this love was taking place,
In this asylum but, I always forgot.
All we had to do was walk out.
Nobody touched us.
When we were out, we ran, and ran, and ran.
In the middle of the forest,
There was no way they could find us,
We still wanted to be safe.
We found a cave in which we could stay,
Until we had enough strength to explore.
There was plenty of apples and firewood around.
That first night, I just ate, and ate, and ate.
I noted the big willow tree
and boulder next to the exit.
Natural, and calm.
This was a place of my refuge,
Where I would be happy.
We set out to explore,
The cave must have been close to the surface,
There were cracks in the ceiling that lit our way.
The cave was filled with tunnel after tunnel.
Sometimes the tunnel would split into five or six
And we would have to choose one.
Giving the false sense of direction
As we wandered, aimless.
When I got scared,
He would assure me it would all be fine.
That must have been the worst lie,
Anyone has ever told me.
I finally worked up the courage
To ask him why he was in the asylum.
He told me he could fool the mind.
Fool it into believing its body was in pain,
He said his looks could kill.
He stared at me,
I clearly thought him insane.
He let that slide.
He never kissed me fully, passionately.
They were always short and sweet.
He only brushed my face
When he wanted me to calm down,
Making jokes whenever
I was having second thoughts.
He was using me.
I was a shield, nothing more.
I would have to be disposed of.
Back to staring,
I realized that his back
Is not made of duck feathers.
My scoff doesn't slide.
I ran faster I’d ever run before.
All this flew through my mind
As I scrambled up from the cave floor for the third time.
The exit was just around the corner.
It just had to be.
As I stumbled back
Onto the cold hard rock
The exit came into view.
I saw the light shimmering on the broken rock.
The shadow of a willow tree.
Ironically I was so happy I could cry.
I’d hide in the trees
I’d never have to see this murderer again.
Tripped for the fourth time.
I looked up,
Still sprawled out on the cave floor.
There was a hole in the ceiling,
Sending shattered shafts of light to where I was lying.
I watched the dust fall in lazy spirals.
I jumped off the floor.
Back to my peril,
I heard his sluggish footsteps.
Turned around for one last look.
He stood in those shattered beams of light
Glaring at me.
Now on my feet, I stood
In the dark half of the spacious hall of rock
As if that would help my situation.
If only I could fade into the shadows.
I was trapped.
With no escape but the cave's tunnels behind me,
Or the death awaiting me.
Just a few more steps back.
He’s eyes snapped to my feet,
"You don’t want to do that.”
Back to my face.
His smile was only evident in his voice.
He was right.
I didn’t want to die in that moment.
The room’s light darkened
As if someone had put out the sun.
I knew it was coming.
I loved him.
He may not love me now.
He may never have.
But I don’t care.
If I never loved him,
I may not be in this situation,
I might not be about to die.
But I think just maybe,
It was worth it.
Stolen kisses and touches,
Just the sound of his voice.
Running in the middle of the forest
Away from the asylum.
It was all worth the pain I was about to feel.
We stood staring at each other,
Waiting for the other to make the first move.
The tension mounted.
Hatred started coming off him in waves,
Hitting me over and over
Threatening to pull me under.
I could feel his anger.
The air seemed to thicken,
Weighing down on me,
Forcing from me my last breath.
Draining me of what little strength
I had left to remain standing.
I began to gasp for air,
Unable to feel my lungs expand.
Feel the relief of oxygen in my blood.
My eyes were locked in his
Begging to turn away,
To save my life.
I was mesmerized.
Like prey waiting for the snake to strike
I watched helplessly as his face,
Distorted with anger, began to twitch.
I could see the words that would end this,
Begin to form on his lips.
Waiting to be released.
Slope off his spit stained organ.
After the agony of anticipation seemed to reach its peak.
They dropped like acid into the open air.
I lost the fight against the pressure.
Finally crumbling under the strain,
I rested on my knees.
Holding my head in my hands
Preparing to resist the attack.
It hit me full force
Like a subway train at full speed.
I did all I could not to cry out,
To give in to this miserable existence,
To give him the satisfaction of my death.
I broke out in a cold sweat
As my muscles continued to fight,
Melting with the strain.
Adrenaline pumped through my veins
As the true attack began.
The pain started at the tips of my fingers and toes.
Slowly crawling, burning,
It continued to eat away at my flesh.
Much to my dismay
I remained intact
But paralyzed by the pain
Unable to run away,
To escape it.
I was unaware of the storm of tears
Falling from my cheeks.
Oblivious that he continued to circle closer,
Waiting for his moment to strike.
The pain began to worsen,
Shifting from fire to lava,
Lava to lightning.
It was unimaginable, indescribable.
Then I lost control.
This body– it was no longer mine.
It began to betray me.
It shuddered, then shook spasmodically.
Its back arched knowing what was to come next,
Preparing as the bubble of air was pushed slowly
Up its tongue, against its lips.
Its blood curdling,
Gut wrenching shriek
Lasted mere hundredths of a second.
He comes into view for a brief moment.
My eyes roll back into my head,
And I lose myself in the blackness.
It seems like yesterday
I was young ,
an innocent sweet bride
embarked on my new life with my mate
but time has a way of moving quickly
and catching you unaware of the passing years
I wonder where all the years went
Now I only have
glimpses of how it was back then
and of all my hopes and dreams.
Here it is ... on summers day
It catches me by surprise
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go
and where did my youth go?
Met an old friend of mine...
looking tired, all old and grey
she brought the news of our retiring friends
some are dying on hospital beds
some are walking slowly in old folks home
some have gone senile and forgotten their way homes
I hugged my old best friend
told her to rest as much as she could
I am thinking now of how lucky I am
To complain of a few creaking bones of mine
I should feel ashamed!
Most people enter into this new season
of their life unprepared for all the aches and pains
and the loss of strength and ability
to go and do things that they wish they had done but never did!!
I'm not sure how long I will last...
But through another winter.. spring and summer
I wish I could still live to breathe
I am not yet ready for the day
when my life is over on this earth...
yet to begin a new adventure of life...
in the hereafter.....
the last time I went to church
I sang the hymns off key
and the rest of the congregation
leered at me
they were unaware
of my throat being sore
and that was why I sang
with a hoarse roar
after the service
the vicar approached me
to say he wasn't too happy
with my singing off key
his insulting comment
was not well received
so I promptly stormed off
feeling most peeved
When I look down
I see white
A small child
Content, unaware, brimming
Nursing on false dreams
Waiting for the curtain to lift
On their favorite scene
When I look down
I see red
A victim of circumstance
Of poor timing
Of missing opportunities
Of so much that could have been
And never was
...I have to see white
breaks my heart to think
that under this
that I gently caress
--sending shivers up
there are these
contracting and expanding
just to keep you together
it's a terrible thing
hard to believe
that your beautiful carcass
is host to such horrible
the way you come together
all those pieces placed in
what a magnificent whole
although sometimes these
pieces let you get sick more
than I would like
and your heart beats too slow
rhythmic and calm
as we lay here
it's a smooth harmony that
keeps you next to me
you lay there
smiling at me as you
and get up to use
biology is a terrible thing
'you're so fat' they said
'you're so ugly' they laughed
'nobody would even care if you died' they spat,
completely oblivious to the fact words sting
seemingly unaware of the damage words cause
and so eachday you wake up
not wanting to go outside,
and face the world
because of those words
those words that beat your insides to a pulp
that make you a victim of your own mind
We fall into to the night without saying a word
Nothing could be said, nothing should be said
No words are clean enough to cut the peace.
We open our eyes to the morning light with a laugh
I know exactly what that smile means
I’ve learned your expressions like a dialect.
An undeniably happy face, sticky and syrupy sweet
From all the silent praises I’ve planted on your cheek
I let the quiet sing, things I shouldn't yet say.
When we kiss, I leave, like a spirit from a hollow body
Turning completely liquid under a tickled, happy layer of skin
Feeling so content and full, like soul food on the weekend
Hearing the perfect white noise of your record player
While it sings for me during my shower
Inhaling the incense we forgot we lit, so long ago
A day ago, three days ago, but I’ve almost known you always.
We expand the concept of a minute, an hour, a night
Learning more in the framework of a flash
Than some may learn in a lifetime
A paralyzing combination of heat and honesty of heart
We once were parallel, but completely unaware
Now we are perpendicular, in motion, in crossing
In a quick intersection we wish could trap us
We have both been propelled towards different horizons
But that doesn't take away the thrill of the present tense
It makes it all the more romantic