Why am I awake?
Allah
God
Zeus
What have you!
Why am I awake,
at this ungodly hour?
I toss
I turn
Blanket on
Blanket off
Forgot the light
Forgot a water
Always something.
Back to bed
Still awake.
Why can't I sleep?
Take a pill
Can't fall asleep
It escapes me
Take another
Wide awake
This world won't
let me sleep.
Among other things.
Again awake.
No good spot
Take another
Forget this
I can't sleep
I give up
I'll watch TV
I'll text dead air
Take another
pill or two.

Got up to turn the pages
Let up so I can burn my wages

I spend time like Its money and I am a Forbes CEO

Just when I think I can supersede myself the confusion begins to glow like an expected sunset on the drive home

I smile at an elderly woman leaving a tacky hotel wedding in a wheelchair, cheap dress draped with an oversized man's coat

It's cold in Philly
And the sharp bending wind whips my soul

Like a favorite eerie  movie I inevitably watch again we fight on the phone and you say it's everything that I've done

I sit down with my coffee and smoke a cigarette

I don't gamble with numbers - but the chances I get

Far away in a jet soon to tel aviv
banks' charge conversion rates for currency

the door opens and closes
the places my heart goes when I remember you have to say yes before you can learn to say no

Eyes melted shut.
Have you heard the sound or felt the burn of a cigarette being extinguished on your skin?
Have you ever compared pain to pain?
Emotional vs physical.
No winner ever declared though that is what makes it beautiful, and ugly.
We praise beauty on the outside and ugly on the inside.
Sharing the left over love for ugly on the outside and beauty on the inside.
That is why sad songs journey through my heart and out my brain.
They are simply experiencing the emptiness that remains in such a full world.
A full world full of fools.
The emotional killed the physical as we continue to perish to a point of no return.
It can heal with time, though just like burns that turn to scars on your skin, emotional scars never fully leave.
That is the point of this poem.
To remind you of the burn, that sang for a scar, in order to appreciate the rain.
That laughing and crying spare no difference, and I love that we are all fucked up.
For indeed, in some way, we are all fucked up.
Though fear not the unknown, for that is everything, and nothing.
A beauty all can access to make emptiness feel at home.
A home that can keep your heart safe and show you love in the darkest of times

I would save you.
I would love you enough to make all of the pain that everybody else has caused you to go away.
I would love you enough, more than enough.
I would be happy.
We would be happy.

I would love you with a strong and fierce passion.
I would make you feel worth the breath that you breathe.
I would make you feel the worth of every beat of your heart.

I would take you into my heart and show you that there is room for you.
There will always be room for you.

I would show you your value, your worth.
I would show you who you could really be, who you are meant to be.
I would show you that they are all wrong about you, I see who you really are.
I would be by your side, I would defend you.

You are perfect.
You are the most beautiful soul and my perfect fit.
You are the swell in my chest and the rush in my brain.
You are the warm arms and beating heart.
You are the comfort and the joy.
You are the warmth of the sand and the cool of the ocean.  
You are perfect.

You are misunderstood.
You deserve the very best.
You deserve to be loved the way that I love you.

If love could just make time turn back.
If love could just make this perfect.
If I could be another person to love you, somebody not quite so close.
If we could steal each other and never look back.
If love were enough
I would love you enough, more than enough.
You are perfect.

How long has it been?
It's been about five
Years since that thing
That you and I had

The parties the laughter
And the fun that we had
The singing and clapping
To our favorite band

It all turned to dark
When you said goodbye -
The Color of Roses
Now turn into black

What did you say
When I saw you last?
Hope you find that someone
With who it'll last

All my affection
Just wasn't enough
You ran to someone
Who isn't even your type

Maybe, just maybe
I thought you'd come back
But I guess it was you
That got the last laugh

Black and white
You left me to die
The girl of my dreams
The only girl in my life
The one that made it worth
Living this life

I sit here locked behind concrete walls
With bars on the windows and 15 minute call
Even though I won't be here long
I find myself asking where did I go wrong
I have to put my life on the right track
Or I'll find myself coming right back
I feel my light inside start to dim and fade
I feel so alone I am afraid
I'm fearful that I'll fail on the gates other side
Parts of me wants to stay behind these walls and hide
I'm scared that I'l disappoint the people I Love
And be a disgrace to my God watching me from above
All I ever wanted was to find a little happiness
Never thought I'd turn to drugs to find my bliss
From here I don't know where to go or how to get there
I don't really know anymore if I even care
I know deep down inside I still have a little hope
And I pray once released its not eaten alive by the dope

I cannot wait
Till the day
I am gone
Out of here
Completely
Disappeared
And then have
Those people
That were suppose
To be my friends
Randomly think
"Hey I wonder
what Lisa's doing today"
And when
They go to
Call me
I won't pick up
And when they text me
I won't answer
And when they look for me
I won't turn up
And when they need me
Ill be gone
No where
Vanished
Like I was never here
At all
Ever
All those times
Where I pestered
And annoyed
The fuck out of people
To hang out with me
But there was always
Something better to do
Than hang out with
Lisa Smida
So they blew me off
Over and over
Until it killed me
And I had to get the fuck out
I want it to seem like
I was a made up character
In everyone's minds
Like I was just an image
They all happened to create
Simultaneously
And that I never really existed
And all the things that really happened
They were just all made up memories
False memories
Something the brain tells us
Because its what we really want
But it will seem too late
Because Im gone
But really....
It's not too late
Because I was never even there

I'm not the person I used to be,
honestly I'll never go back.

I found a power higher that the one I knew,
one that would change everything.

After hearing hopeless prayers,
I wondered if I should even try.

But then I remembered that day,
I'll never forget.

In a dimly lit room;
In an old, creaky church,
there was a room.

Inside there was a breathtaking sight;
thousands of paper doves,
each a different color,
each a different prayer.

The darker the color of the dove,
the darker the prayer.
Almost every dove was grey or black,
But amount the few there were reds and yellows.

Even though my doubt rushes through me,
I still believe.

All of these people were like you and me.
except they handed everything over;
not to billion dollar corperations,
designer clothes,
but to the Lord.

Even though my doubt rushes through me,
I still believe.

I guess this is my prayer;
to be taken and excepted,
not laid down to rest,
but to be heard by someone who will never turn their back on me.

Even though my doubt rushes through me,
I still believe.