From now until forever, but forever isn’t long.

From today until tomorrow, unless something goes wrong.

Starting now, and lasting forever, although forever doesn't exist,

Moving forward and getting nowhere, it’s you I can’t resist.

Ships are sinking, bridges burned, these mistakes, we can’t go back.

They're lessons that I've yet to learn, it’s sympathy for you, I lack.

Jumping off a buildings top, without your hand in mine;

“I love you” was far too much, I'm just trying to pass the time.

Dying is not an option, so I grow wings and fly;

Escaping from the world below, sinking in the sky.

Do you know this feeling,
It starts in your heart then travels to your mind,
It takes control of every emotion,
Makes you lose all common sense
It makes you heart race but still you feel you could die.

Do you know this feeling,
It leavetou stunned without words but you feel you could scream out loud
Where your heart feels like it being crushed
By your ribs and the harder you try
The less you can breath

Do you know this feeling
it takes control of all your thoughts
Making all the good memories feel like lies
And the more you try to put the pieces together
The more you see they don't belong

Do you know this feeling
It makes your mind scattered,
uncontrolled, obsessed,
Trying to figure out where it all went wrong
Trying to make sense out of it all

Do you know this feeling
It leaves you heart broken,
Your body aching and your soul begging
For everything to stop
Begging your eyes to stop crying
Your mind to stop thinking
And life to stop ending

Do you know this feeling?

don't fall in love
with me, i whisper
into the crooked spaces
of your ribs

i say, oh, darling
you can do so much better
then throwing you weighed down body
into the murky sea below this bridge

i hug you tight, while i
wrap chains round your body
tugging on your hand
as i gently pull you
towards the sea

one day you'll be drowning
and forget what it felt like to breathe
all you will be thinking about is me
and how i ruined you

i desire to relive
all our times together
g o o d   and   b a d
your splendor overwhelms me
my heart aches at the times
when you don’t regard me
or don’t see the subtle moves
of me trying to get nearer
sneakily brushing your arm
when it was easily avoided
these artfully planed gestures
filled with   l o v e   and   w a n t i n g
go unnoticed sometimes
my world breaks open
to let me fall in the gaps
where darkness resides

though there are better times
occasional times where
you
s
  e
    e
me
all of me
my gestures
my glances at you
times my
h e a r t   f i l l s
when a silent smile is shared
a meeting of our eyes
glint in your eye for me
my favorite is when
every time your warm body
t o u c h e s    m i n e
in an innocent touch
my entire being
wakes up
comes
a l i v e
i see the world
utterly wonderful
with you at its center

I will never stand,
in your spotlight again,
attitude is the villain
you and me cannot blend.

passed the wicked road,
you are trying to route.
Gave you things freely
reached as far as I could

but nothing has changed,
you did nothing did you?
time flew so fast
it left us down and horribly blue.

Please do not consider me
in your vision most likely,
I am dead and sinful,
I will look for better opportunities.

Grinded with feelings
that is nurtured to slide a slope.
never a positive outing.
ideas you promote

Killed my inner soul
Knowing I've stereotyped your kind.
Who would love to prolong this,
Stop this, You're Undoubtedly blind.

I went to church today
I don't know what I was trying to find
Hopes? Dreams? A figure to follow and some worthy morals?
I wanted advice, I wanted to feel alive

I left there with these words resonating in my head
"Homosexuality and suicide are abominable"
a short phrase that sums the fancy and elaborated speech of the preacher
Only the sinful suffer, and I guess that's why I am troubled.

I've thought of suicide jokingly and seductively
more times that I could possibly count
I have kissed girls and I am openly attracted to them
I am not afraid of saying it and with respect, showing it.

According to the bible;
Lesbians and gays was a punishment for not obeying God
Suicide is a way of controlling your faith
And the only one that has power over you is the Lord.

God gives you what he thinks you deserve
He knows you since before you where born
and because of that he is more responsible of yourself
than yourself itself.

Your brains are too small
how dare you to contradict the all powerful one with such disturbing thoughts?
He created all and everything, all and nothing
He knows what he is doing, and in no way you can try to question him

I felt more small and insignificant than ever,
How did a invisible figure matter more than my logical arguments?
Can't I decide what I want? Isn't it my body and my emotions the one in play?
There's other 8 billion people and you try to guilt trip me because I want to end it all?

Sinners will suffer only the prayer can save you, you can't save yourself, God will save you.
Isn't it better to try to put myself together? Wouldn't I be learning more with that experience?
Instead of repeating words of prayers, shouldn't It try to save myself or solve the problems?
How dare you to contradict the all powerful one with such disturbing thoughts!

If God chooses to give you what he believes is right
Then why am I the one in so much pain?
Why good things doesn't happen to good people and to the bad ones bad things?
Is it because the bad ones will always pray?

I went to church today
I tried to find support,
I wanted to confess
"Hey, I want to kill myself"

I thought that well...
If so many people could feel happy by worshiping
I didn't loose anything by trying
I instead ended up gaining: guilt, trouble, and a feeling that I will burn in hell

you made me so sick
you made me so sick i made myself sick
with the intention of ending up in the hospital
or better yet, dead
all in hopes that i could give you a taste
of your own medicine:
layers and layers and layers of pain.

but that was one long drawn out evil endeavour
and i'm glad i didn't succeed
because life shouldn't be spent with the intention
of trying to die
just to prove something to someone else
because no matter how much death
is glamorized in this goddamned society
there is nothing glamorous
about it
and in the end you will prove
nothing

there is nothing glamorous about
sticking your head in an oven
or drinking yourself into a stupor every single night
only to forget what you did or said or felt the next morning
there is nothing glamorous about
sticking your fingers down your throat
or carving poetic words into your inner thigh
just so you can feel or un-feel something

trying to die
does not make you
a tortured artist
it makes you
a miserable soul

yes, pain is useful
to create
without it i probably would not be writing this
but it does not define you
fuck them all
fuck society
stop trying to die to prove yourself to someone
dying proves nothing

take a hammer to the mirror
it's only a piece of glass
run into an open field and scream your lungs out
cry all of your fears out of your system like you did when you were five years old
stop being ashamed for feeling things
write down what kind of person you were this time last year
then next to it,
write down what kind of person you are right now
look at how far you've come
look at how far you've yet to go
be proud of yourself
think of the people who have left you
think of how good it will feel when you forgive them
think of someone who has left their footprint on your heart
now go tell them you love them
now leave your footprint on someone else's heart
make sure you tell them you love them

you matter
you matter
you matter
you matter
i swear to God i'm not joking
i don't fucking care if you don't believe me
and it isn't going to be easy
be terrified.
be brave.

you matter
you matter
you matter

you matter.