Being in love is like having stomach flu.
You swallow again and again until your throat is wet,
Slick as a children’s slide,
And you swallow over and over to stop yourself
From throwing up over the person you love,
From causing them to be utterly disgusted with you,
Then the medicinal cart of self-medication, mutilation arrives,
That blooms in your head and causes nightmares
Because you’d rather die of this flu
Than have the one you love look at as you die;
Except instead of throwing up, it’s the words
That bubble up your throat, a chemical test tube,
From the core of the evil inside of you,
And you can’t do anything, because sooner or later,
You’re going to get so sick that you can’t keep anything down
And eventually they’ll get covered because they’re standing too close,
Trying to hold your hair, not expecting the slew of stupidity-
what’s going to come out eventually.

You were taken away
Before I knew what I was trying to say
And you were lost
Slipped away dangling on the end of a rope
Your excitement was bitter denial

You made me happy oh
So happy we were
Girl you made me smile
You made me happy
Then you were taken away

You made me cry
And die slightly
For so long
Every day
Over a sweetheart taken away

Your momentum shattered
Like bone pulverised
And digging razor sharp
Claws into inflamed
And angered flesh
You lost your direction
You lost my enthusiasm

You made me happy oh
So happy we were
Girl you made me smile
You made me happy
Then you were taken away

Your mouth was poisoned
With paralysis meant for another
You had no say
No way to surrender
I tried I tried
My darling I tried
But victims are silent to tyrants
And yours was a silence long-lived
In agony

I tried I tried
I'm sorry my darling

You made me happy oh
So happy we were
Girl you made me happy
Then you were taken away

(08.12.2012)

happiness
all i want
it's not a front
can't roll in a blunt
something i drink
or swish
or sweet
not something to eat
or a quick feel
not a tug on the reel
a new steering wheel

but it's what i want
and i'm gonna find it
trying to figure out where to look
i've read a number of books
to see what in the world
happiness looks
like

i saw it in a kid
he was riding his bike
and another little boy with his father
flying a kite
i saw it in the face
of the kenyan who won the boston marathon race
i saw it in the eyes
of a young couple
and it was two guys
i see it in the sun
in the beaming rays
when it grazes my face

i smell it in the kitchen
mother's cooking dinner
the roast is in the oven
and the dog is by her side
i saw it in her face
in her eyes
when id come home from work
she'd jump off the couch
in a very quick spurt
and start barking
jumping
and licking
and playing
happiness
i miss it
wish it was staying

i'm gonna find it
no matter how hard i try
i'm going to make it
through the world i'll glide
in happiness
i always strive
for happiness

but how do i get it?
do i stop try?
or go harder?
travel waters uncharted
boats not chartered
i seek happiness
i want to be smarter

i'd rather it not
have a price
can't be bought
but happiness
past present
all i sought
all i seek
just had a dream
and in the future
i see
happiness

my laughing is a sign of panic
due to the indigestible actions;
the piercing made me vomit.

slowing down to an interlude;
the interest is waiting patiently
for you to make your way through.

destruction of self is a bar fight:
joining in those actions isn't on
my schedule this evening, nor
shall it be for as long as I can help
myself from myself, in the reflections
of fear that are so often transparent
when I find myself surrounded by
those who only wish to forget.

the forgetting is what forces me to focus.

crowds are a collective of nervousness
and a strangely large number of people
who refuse to be honest because they're
trying to hide the fact that they care about
what every set of eyes has to think, and the
self-centered inner voice
that thinks they actually care
about what they themselves are doing,
or look like.
the sad and beautiful truth is that people
are too worried
about themselves to think of anyone else.

I've over thought, think, meglomaniac
Deviations psychiatric prison clink
Another Orwellian
Double Think pulling
Pushing me against the brink
        J I N X
Trying to reorganize this unhealthy
Thought process which sabotaged
My life from early abscess to catastrophic
Deicide inside, need new
        Glasses need new classes
I have to learn a new to live
I haven't had a need to respect from you
Even though I thought I thought
I already did  D E A D
My measured care compassion confused
From the primal sex, the twitchy inner head
Are you or I the one abused?
I cannot love, but can't us two be or
What may result is something with
Irreversibility, finality
The Death, the Death inside of
      Me...Double Think
I bleed just to fucking be...

- Johnny Raven
     Copyright 2012

...on this Saturday afternoon there is a street fair in Greenwich,
You step off the 1 train at Christopher Street station and all along 7th Avenue,
the little sidestreets, Bowery, Commerce, give me that old Dutch sensibility
Street vendors and street people eating, laughing, trying on five dollar leather clogs
On a day that is slightly drizzling, we pause to consider the trees

In a flash I understand the world you come from when you say you normally stay on the East side of Lower Manhattan, you start counting the colors on the street and ask where all the Spanish people at?

there is this reversal, a turnaround, a recognition in me that binds me to you, when I realize you can teach me how to be young and dance with my hips, when I know that you can give me what I've craved for so long, freedom-the opportunity to face all my fears- and the chance to be a wild thing. I am nineteen, for the love of God, and I never got the chance to rage and abandon all cerebral intelligence and just live in the realm of the senses! But for now, I'll settle for to know myself better and to live without apology-but of course, there is a certain fear with taking that step and giving all of myself to you.

Yet I find myself considering it as we walked with your arm around my shoulders and my hands on an eight dollar bag of Swedish candy. I know you know the effect you have on people, other women especially, I see the way they eat you up with their eyes. But then again I'm only beginning to notice the same kind of attention from men as I walk down the street-though I owe that to you too, giving me enough confidence in my body-to sway a little bit more.

And the fact that you repeat thoughts and ideas that have been constantly looping in my own mind makes me believe we are on the same wavelength. Like when the lights suddenly flickered off on the train and you glanced up at me and said how much you love it when that happens? Goddamn, it sent my head spinning.

And now we are together, supposedly. But of course I always keep in the back of my mind the possibility that everything you are is a lie and you could wake up one day and say I don't want you anymore and just walk out my life with both hands in your pockets.

If that happened now, I could say fuck you and move on.

But if I love you the way I want to love you and the way I long to be loved, all of that mind body spirit crap, a piece of me would just break and float away forever.

I guess that's a risk I might have to take one day, and I find myself considering it as we race each other to get burritos and later on I flick some water in your face and you just stare at me with a faint smile on your lips. So, at this moment, I am too much with you. It scares me when I think of what I might feel for you, and so I am on the edge of a precipice here-wondering whether or not to run with you.

Where's your make up honey?
What happened to your hair?
New style
That's a different pair
New attitude ; that's cool
Realization that the new trend is rude
Huh? What you say?
You said at this rate the next fashion statement have to be nude
No more clubbing?
You tired of sharing spaces in places where you have to refer to Men as "dude"
Strangers steadily attempting to intrude
Now you making plans with family and friends
I heard you saying that you rather enjoy yourself and the people who been with you since the long ways
Recollecting the old days
I'm glad that the feeling is now mutual
And that you are finished with trying to be cute
Because you are already simply beautiful