I used big words when i tried telling dad he was stupid.
He said I was being a brat and trying to confuse him
HEY DAD YOU DON'T LIKE MY BIG WORDS BECAUSE
PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE TOO DUMB TO UNDERSTAND THEM!
There you are, structure, bones
standing tall in the sunlight
all of the personality drained away.
Oh, goodbye to that twinkle in your eye
Goodbye to that thing we couldn't put our fingers on, that thing that sparked passion
Because all you are now, is a skeleton.
A skeleton with so many ghosts, war veterans, teachers and teenage girls that I used to know,
That old version of me who skipped, smiled and run her fingers through her hair
she dances through the corridors when no-one else is there.
Along they came. Dress you up, ready for business. That's one thing I learned from this, patch yourself up, make yourself look okay and no-one will realise how broken you are. No.
No, they won't notice the graffiti marks of those who have been,
on your skin.
No, they won't notice those damp patches,
in the corner,
of your eye.
They didn't notice how your ribs creaked as you let out a sigh,
your final goodbye.
They certainly didn't notice when you closed your eyes to die,
I remember when you comforted me from the world with soft, warm arms and friendly words.
I remembered how you nurtured us and watched us grow.
A loving kiss on the cheek and off we go, but I couldn't let you go.
So here I stayed to watch you drift away with each passing day as they measured your waist,
for the suit.
Pull it in tighter.
A stitch here,
a stitch there.
Iron out the crease.
No room to breathe.
The suit may not cover your face, but it is a mask, covering up mistakes.
The mistake of your missing heart, the drive, the ambition.
The mistake of your missing eyes, seeing goodness in the world, giving beauty to the hopeless.
And the mistake of your missing smile, inspiration for lost souls trying to find their way home.
But you, you were home to me, my skeleton.
Now however much you lose or decay, you will never go away.
You will always be there, a ghost in my memory.
My loving skeleton who is now in a suit.
I haven't written
My inspiration squandered
Without her, my only muse
Words escape me
As my mind will only
Be occupied by her presence
And a war in my mind dominates
The place she once held
So beautifully, so gracefully
For all those months
And now she seems lost
Or more, I am forgotten
Light to dark, I am left
Saying goodbye has never seemed
So high and dry
I'm trying hard not to assume
And yet again, this war in
My mind occupies
Me even in the days of
I'm fucking crazy
The city buzzes, crowds shuffle
Past me, in a dazed state
I look up, hearing her voice
I escape, I wander, I ride
Territory so familiar
I don't want to lose her
My muse, my love, my
Life source that keeps my heart
Beating, making me crazy
I love her
Three words of such
I feel abandoned carrying only
My heart, raw and exposed
Until it eventually fades
Knocking me out and
But even concuss and
Bleeding, she's all
Love please let me go
Unless she too
© Sia Jane
"A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover."
days are spinning by and i think this is what remission feels like
i wish i could write
but this is all that i feel.
constantly losing battles is so hard
we play a losing game
i long for the person i used to be
or is this the person i’ve always been?
hold flowers between your fingers and think long and hard about something
something that you want real real real bad
maybe it’ll come true
so full of pain trying to be subtle i should be bleeding
word choice alone
should have given you a clue
and the consistent undertone of raw pure unadulterated angst and bitter humor
that isn’t funny at all.
Adventures In Good Deeds
i helped pick up the trash and i thought about volunteering at a soup kitchen
if only i could find the on switch
5 Hour Energy .
am i decent enough for one word biographies?
do i hold enough presence for silence?
can i afford to not begin my sentences with sorry?
i am barley a person
just a body with good organs
and no license to complain
“ma’am kindly shut the fuck up no one cares.”
that’s what they’ll say to me i’m sure
the thought police
who hate me and i don’t feel anything towards them
because i am nothing but apathy and stupidity
i don’t deserve anything
not joy or bad i don’t deserve either
not because i’m neutral but because i’ve never done anything to feel anything
not that i am undeserving of feeling the bad things
but there has been nothing in my existence to make me feel
spoiled brat woes and hearts sealed with classical silver duct tape
maybe a dash of pepper on a delicious meal that had no need for pepper
on the dot
sunday’s for church where the atheist goes because he fears and dreams
I stand on bruised shores
And watch you disappear off the crooked horizon
Vaguely waving goodbye.
Is this strength?
I'm quietly letting go of the only thing that keeps me alright.
Letting go of the only one that makes me feel safe.
Why is it so hard to do the right thing?
and like that the siren drowns
Without a song to sing
I hope you're okay, darling.
I hope you will forever be happy.
I want to be there for you
But this all so unfair.
I said previously that I didn't believe
That if you loved something you should let it go.
I now understand what that means.
I love you enough to accept this.
I love you enough to know you know what's best and
I love you enough to not expect you to return.
I wrote the breath out of my lungs.
I guess it's fitting that this life
And what makes it worth living is gone.
I'm trying so hard to be strong.
and like that
The siren drowns without a song
I know that I love to little
I know that I can fake mostly anything
I can hear a song and know the lyrics in a snap
That I cut to feel something
That I'm complicated
I know that I only had sex with you so you'd stay
I know that your never coming back
I know that I'm really sad all the time
I know that I'm scared of being happy
I know that music can make me feel really good and smile and be okay for that 4 min song
I know that I really like what I have going with you
I know that I have a really hard time with sharing and showing my feelings
I know that somedays are really hard for me to be around
I know that when I cry I can't stop and it normally leads into something bad
I know that if I didn't have my mom I wouldn't be here as we speak
I know that I put to much pressure on myself
I know that change is good and I need to start letting it happen
I know that I over think to much
I know that it's really hard to write good things down about myself
I know that I'm trying and that's a start.
I feel like we're brushing fingers across
Two oceans because
You can't reach that far and
I can't make up for the distance
Some kind of
Meet in the middle arrangement but i feel like im
Than you're trying to.
So one sided that i can barely remember
Which side im on.
Can you help me reach you?
Or is it too late and you're too far
i still feel self hated’s foliage
wedge its way into the garden i am currently trying
to cultivate for myself.
and on most days,
it’s still hard for me to look in the mirror.
but despite how much i still think of dying
it is no longer myself I want to kill. it is the parts
that were trying to kill me.
i can barely remember your lips and
i completely forget how your voice sounds.
and that’s the tragedy i suppose,
once you forget the sound of somebody’s voice
you know that’s really when detachment
is finally setting in and making a home
underneath each and every one of your scars.
i still think it’s sad,
the way it all ended. how you can keep on
loving someone even though they’re long gone
from your each and every day.
i still want to call you, ask how you are.
but i don’t because i’m not that person anymore.
you don’t matter as much to me as you once did.
and i think that’s beautiful because it’s honest.
remember how much we hurt each other?
good. i hope you never forget.
remember how much we loved each other?
good. i hope you always remember.
some things will always be worth remembering.
it's cliche to say
i've lost myself
in a thick
but here i am,
and here you are
biting my nails
trying not to say
'you make me
i know that you know that i know that you know
it's hard for me to love you
because it's hard for me to trust that you won't leave
your downfall is pride and your head is so big it can't fit through the door
and your brain fills the space encased by your skull
so i know that you know that i know that you know that i know
you're smart enough to know you should be leaving
i wasn't raised to look both ways before crossing the street
and there's a collection of ever sprawling highways outside my window
when i was little my mom used to tell me i came from the mermaids
and sometimes i think about jumping into the ocean and never swimming back up
i hope that you know that i know that you know that i know i've never been good at writing love poetry
and i've never liked Shakespeare but maybe i'm just jealous
he knows over fifty ways to say the words i love you and i can't think of any
that won't leave me vulnerable i'm swallowing sentences dry and i'm choking on the acrid taste
of each syllable trying to come back up i still can't decide if this is worse than being vulnerable.