Like the broken wing of songbird, my head hangs limply about my shoulders. Bowed in resignation, I pay homage to powers I can no longer resist nor deny. Reluctantly, I allow my skin to soak in this broken, gray home I’ve built for myself. Like bathwater that’s gone cold, it offers no comfort; and like a tree’s sap, it clings to me.
My health has been stolen from this young body. I have submitted; the flame of fight died long ago and the memory of its light has finally sputtered out. With true darkness comes a plague baring the pit that grows in my gut and the lump that chokes the air from my throat. And as my lungs catch fire, they scream for my heart – crying out for help. A heart full of blood to put out the flames that lick their way up soft, pink tissue, but there is no relief to be found. There is no heart full of blood, only a note that says, “Looking for greener pastures. I’ll be sure to send a postcard.”
So last night
I whispered all of your dreams unprompted
I saw your jaw drop but I tried to conspicuously not pay attention;
I just liberated you from from a bar of twenty men all drooling
I fend them off and kept two of you entertained with only one of me
and the dreams of my dreamy elusive brother coworker or friend
I paid a lot of attention to the needs and dreams of your cute companion
But if I'm honest
even though I was making sure she was safe
cause that's what i do
I was looking at you and dreaming
I was staring straight into your eyes
looking straight into your soul
I don't have much of almost anything
but I can look deep down and see true
most people really don't believe it
and i don't blame them, why would you?
But there was a moment there
In the garage while we were talking
when you were looking at me
like you loved me
more than anything
that had ever come or gone
and it was the briefest of moments
but i fucking swear i saw it
and it made me love you
with you dirty blond hair
and all of your compassionate let's just take care of my friend care
I mean, yes
Like i heard you
you have a boyfriend
you say it like it's means something
to someone like me
....who's only ever always confronted with adversity
I have a back burner
and all of your friends
and it's not like
im saying anything
a little bit
and surprisingly so
a lack of interest
in anything intelligent or courageous
it's like the human race took 5
and was all over it
can't ever really quite describe
what I'm looking for
what lights up the fire
what stokes the soul
behind my eyes
cause i'm a believer
and i believe most true
and i think im feeling something
maybe i love you
...I remember who talked to me all night about everything
about significant things great and small
tiny odd reccolecctions
everything her things my things your things all things fuck pretty much everything
That I answered or said without saying as things that are true
I might have lied
Because you started talking like my dreams...
I covered every base what the fuck do you want me to do?
You were so fucking cool
I think I met your friend
Only to meet you
or your boyfriend...
fuck i seriously hope that one ain't true but like I'm a buhhdist now and can't say
It's like you have never met a man who see's the future
A gingerbread man baked and burned in the oven for fun
Who got tortured for years into a smile that we all love
It's like we all take things so seriously instead of laughing and drinking
and hearing the endearing lunacy of our friends
fuck if we just took a minute to wait and pretend to understand all of that darkness we let lurk in
it would be like a circus show of light delivering all of us from the three ring thing of everything
that is bad
our own macabre circus of rejection, judgement, and humiliation for all of our kind. So when you are done with your boyfriend, fiance, husband, i know not yet; talk to me first before every voyage and adventure set in opposition just for the fuck of it.
but what you can't count on
is that i'm so much older and I've been around
I don't think you might know what it is like
to double down
over years and years
it's like you get a discount
on the odds
for multiples of five years
cause who really lasts that long?
but who knows
cause life is like a lotto taro hurricane
no sense to distribute the sad recompense
let's just fucking spend it before we pay
on all the debts we just made
and all of the futures that greyed out just fadet(ed)
that's the point of grey vistas
all the deals and the souls we just promised in casual relation to make it
We try to pretend
we're all samurai
noble sacrafice to budo
it's cool that i alone must die
but i think we all smell some bullshit
in the way and the feel of this philosophy
that tells us to fight it instead of accept it
so let's beware those wayward philosophies
that perhaps might be misguided
telling us that nothing matters
as opposed to those that tell us
to simply love
all of those that surround us
And I saw her put her name into facebook on my phone
but when it was all said and done and i unlocked it all
it was gone
If i hadn't been dealing with this for almost twenty years; i think i'd cry like a little girl.
Also, I hold RRR entirely responsible for encouraging unedited writing. Be careful what you wish for ;-)
So young and illustrious
So energetic and industrious
So promising and eloquent
A sharp brilliant Parliamentary debater
A good financial manager
A polish political tactician
A true Kenyan king
Nature's sacred Mugumo's verdict
Moi's long-knecked prophecies
A perfect great grand transition
As history our universal teacher
I have nightmares every night.
I feel like I have become numb to the notion of fear.
The demons don't frighten me;
The ghouls don't startle me;
Death doesn't shake me.
But yet, I find myself now awake with tears streaming down my face.
I woke from the dream that frightens me most.
The dream that is a true reality that I live every single day.
I dreamed that I saw my love from a distance;
And that he would not knowledge my existence.
No grins peeking from the side of ones mouth,;
Not even a wonder form ones eyes.
You sat there as I stared at you
Silently begging for you to see me and end the pain.
I live my greatest fear every day.
The cold shoulder you give
Sends the dagger deeper into my heart.
Love was captivating.
a beckoning temptress
with lips whispering compliments
and desires and promises.
Love was unbridled.
a stallion galloping across terrain
the wind in his mane
vivacious and carefree.
Love was insecure.
spilling tears and confessions
fearing scorn or withdrawal
twisting with pain.
Love was confident.
beaming with adoration:
ostentatious jubilance or
a quiet security.
Love was alone.
ripening and explorative
discovering the importance of
Self before other.
Perhaps there’s no one True set definition
and those who try
to grasp for dictionary restrictions
My love was not blindness
But the only truth
That you could take to be true
Not as noble
As your love—
Your love was not blindness.
By no means, did
I succeed in moderation;
With you my feelings, like my words,
Came in bursts of awkward energy;
I couldn’t control the volume
And never realized
Until you told me I was yelling in your ear,
(You particularly hated yelling),
And I quieted down for a time.
Maybe I was too loud,
But of the words themselves
I should not have been ashamed.
My love was not blindness.
Blinded, could I have
Seen what you buried within yourself?
Believe me, all I wanted was to help you
Banish all for good, but in aid,
I found myself under the depraved dirt
Spiritless, struggling, suffocated.
My love was not blindness.
I deny Dostoyevsky’s distinction,
An error of translation, perhaps;
Even in the most compatible of languages,
One language will lack the means of expressing
A word so important in the other.
We’re the same person, we always said
But I couldn’t invoke that here—
Here where it mattered more
Than it ever had.
My love was not blindness.
The Mockery of Fairyland
In silence watching as fellow fallow fairies dance,
Sylphs float above while gnomes furrow,
Donating water brothers,
Spiritual creatures, unseen,
Creation of nature from nature,
Fairies will still catch your eye,
In form of genus butterfly,
God forbid you meet them,
Stumble on their fairy rings,
Never tell a fairy your name,
For in fairyland you may remain,
For safety's sake,
While out walking in the woods,
Inside out must wear your shirt,
Wear a ring of of iron!
So you can breach the fairies curse
Seven year cycles,
Fairies must donate to hell,
A good soul,Tam Hin,
He tricked the fairy queen,
She had to set him free,
As man folk mate,
Fairies do true procreate,
A way akin to ours!
Hybrid fairies once existed,
Too sad to live in fairyland,
Too fairy like to live on earth!
Titania she sits waiting,
For her Oberon to arrive,
King and queen of fairyland, in literacy,
are you ?
that's when the wind changed, when i asked. it dropped the last last of a thousand afters -
and wrapped the tinsel laughing in the foyer of our discotheque.
that's when the elder proof took root in the cognizant. bore fruit and [ clasped rafter. ]
and perhaps a winsome blasting... though annoying, it's our affect.
but are you ? yet ?
and who's left to true ?
The evil of man
I surly know
I know my own thoughts
Betrays or backstabs
We become bitter
Our true hearts reveal
The true evil within us
Without any will...
Be it Jealousy,
All ignite a hellish
Fire in us...
These very things
Have run through
The many of times
That I saw red...
So shocking the anger
And things within
That came from my mouth
I wished I'd never said...
Brought knowledge of
The evil of man
We are all evil to
Why were we made to
Have feelings as such?
It's an unfair commodity
That's conquering us...
I don't like the feelings
That evilness brings...
It makes me not want
To hear, see, or feel
But its time to realize
That its very real!
Sometimes things seem to good to be true, but it doesn't mean they usually are...
I've gone from having everything to nothing, until 100% turned to 0. I've had an addiction so bad I sold everything until I had nothing , but a DVD starring Robert DeNiro.
I've burnt bridges with almost everyone I know
looking back my path of ash looks like grey and white snow.
Watched people cry, watched people die, If I told you I think they got what they deserved it would be a lie.
I've put needles in my arm trying to erase pain
All it did was kill my pride and usher in shame.
At one point in time when running from the law cause I had commited so much crime, I found myself at a Denny's buying coffee, with nowhere to go, sipping til' the sun came up cause I didn't have another dime.
Never left the cities, but I was off the map for years
my mother tried writing letters, I could barely make out the writing cause the ink was so smeared from her tears
If I was a turtle my shell would have a huge crack
If you met me today, you might say wisdom is something I don't lack
It's only causeI've been to hell and now I'm back
Today my feet are on the ground and things are great
It took being beat, sent to the human pound and almost prison up state
Ten years is the statue of limitations in CA, so for now I'm gonna count my blessin's , close my mouth and keep some confessions. You can look at hard times like bad luck or just take them as one of life's lessons.
Sometimes things seem so bad it makes you wanna quit, but you gotta keep trying and if you really want something, take another stab
reach out and grab it!
If you know the outcome and the consequence of a decision, then it's nobody's fault but yours if you suffer a penalty...