I am cold. I am alone. I am empty. It wasn’t always like this. You see-
That one day you brought me a bouquet of flowers but I didn’t even noticed them sitting next to me.
That one day you decided to wrap my hand with the warmth of yours but I wouldn’t return the favor.
That one day you tried to hug me tight and I left you too much slack to hold on to.
That one day you wanted someone to cry with but I didn't spare you a single drop.
That one day you finally told me how you really felt but I wouldn’t listen to your words anymore.
That one day you decided to give me our first real kiss but my heart just wasn't in it.
That one day, was one day too late for me because-
That one day is actually today, and today I am cold. I am alone. I am empty.
But you see it wasn’t always like this . . .
Yesterday I would have shared my entire world if you'd have let me but today, today I am dead.
My love was not blindness
But the only truth
That you could take to be true
Never comprehending
Always
Doubting
Debasing
Damning
My love
Not as noble
As your love—
Your love was not blindness.
By no means, did
I succeed in moderation;
With you my feelings, like my words,
Came in bursts of awkward energy;
I couldn’t control the volume
And never realized
Until you told me I was yelling in your ear,
(You particularly hated yelling),
And I quieted down for a time.
Maybe I was too loud,
But of the words themselves
I should not have been ashamed.
My love was not blindness.
Blinded, could I have
Seen what you buried within yourself?
Believe me, all I wanted was to help you
Banish all for good, but in aid,
I found myself under the depraved dirt
Spiritless, struggling, suffocated.
My love was not blindness.
I deny Dostoyevsky’s distinction,
An error of translation, perhaps;
Even in the most compatible of languages,
One language will lack the means of expressing
A word so important in the other.
We’re the same person, we always said
But I couldn’t invoke that here—
Here where it mattered more
Than it ever had.
My love was not blindness.
For every hand you withhold,
My heart has grown stronger,
I can fight longer,
You don't need to be told.
the cool stone his breath, he digs
hoping to find what he is longing for
the shimmer of a gold vain? sure of what they said
o how they told him long ago
so he blisters, too deep to remember, and how long the depths
the pick axe worn thin, blood and bone and steal and will
rip into the next swing, and cold chunks of stone
fall onto cold chunks of stone, piles, drifting in two and three
...wanting gold
to dig into a swinging party this deep must be a farce… yet
his hands no longer blister, and finding love brief and wonderful,
wild flowers in bloom, a field of holly, the most beautiful
dancing, the sway and whimsy of a ball surround
wind harps sweet air; the beat of the drums stead fast
and after the waltz, the moon walks them home,
knees… begin to ache, the weight of her beauty sore,
her pedals fall against the shores of lapping tides
and fading dreams…
and the longing for gold remembers him
….....deep underground, he awakens to hands blistered dry, now laying beside… detached
knees worn away, and his arms too… just pain the mind reassures
leaving his limbs behind, he must be close… this body to drag, is at least a bit lighter now
for the journey is another mouth full of dirt, the warm carbon against busted teeth
a broken inch crawls into light, the eyes struck blind and his tired tears do not stop him…
still the warm glow, somehow a reminder of the past, an old guide longing to meet him...
and something ancient still looms behind him too, a trail… the thick shadow, of fresh soil
so thoughts convince, to the center of the earth
or maybe a candle, that knows not that it shines,
the warmth he has been longing for, the shadow of dust behind
told of gold, sets off into the soil, and deeps the cold stone
and the cruel trick! or so he thinks, there is no gold down here at all!
just his warm laughter…
and the light ahead…
and the dung behind…
and the earth worm
continues to dig
with a smile
less than an inch away...
from summer grasses
and blooming
goldenrod
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.
Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.
Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.
But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?
In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.
Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.
So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?
©NDHK
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
Janice of red beret fame
with fair hair
to her shoulders
and dressed slightly better
than the rest
of there about
invited you
(with your mother’s
permission
and her gran’s invitation)
to tea after school
in the upstairs apartment
not far away
what did you want
for eats and drink?
Janice asked
bread and jam
you replied
bread and jam?
she repeated
as if you’d asked
for caviar on toast
no you must
have more than that
she said
Gran what’s for eats?
and her gran
came into the lounge
where the cosy furniture
was set out in place
neat and tidy
with a canary
in a cage
on a stand
and her gran related
a list of things
you could have
far exceeding
what you usually
had at home
cheese and cress
sandwiches
you said
please added on
as an afterthought
and Janice
had the same
to be like you
and her gran went off
and Janice said
she likes you
says you have more breeding
than some round here
o
you said
thanks
and you pushed
your hand
through your hair
and pulled
your school jumper
in place
and tightened
the tie
we’re going
to the fairground Saturday
will you come too?
you hesitated
and took in
her fair hair
and her fine features
and prim gaze
I’ll have to see
what my mum says
you uttered
o she won’t mind
Gran’s already
mentioned it I think
Janice said
well yes then
you said
I’d like that
she smiled
and spoke
of learning French
at school
and the teacher
who took her
for that and history
she’s a dear
and positively a beauty
I’ve got Ashdown
and she’s plump
and has an arse
like a hippo
you said
Janice choked
and sputtered
with laughter
all at the same time
that’s so rude
she said
putting her small hand
to her mouth
gosh don’t let Gran
hear to speak like that
or you’ll be off
her good boy list
as swift as lightening
you sat bemused
when her gran came in
with two plates
of sandwiches
what’s so funny?
she asked
putting the plates
on the table
o nothing much
Janice said
Benedict told me
a little joke
o well as long
as it wasn’t rude
Gran said
o no
Janice said
and looked at you
o no
you muttered
just a innocent joke
from school
her gran went off
to get the drinks
if Gran heard me
say thinks like that
she’d tan my backside
and no mistake
Janice took a bite
of her sandwich
and you ate yours
listening to the canary
sing and the bell it
rung inside the cage
and her gran singing
from the kitchen
in a soprano voice
and you took in
Janice’s light blue eyes
wherein you thought
but did not say
some good part
of beauty lies.
Sometimes things seem to good to be true, but it doesn't mean they usually are...
I've gone from having everything to nothing, until 100% turned to 0. I've had an addiction so bad I sold everything until I had nothing , but a DVD starring Robert DeNiro.
I've burnt bridges with almost everyone I know
looking back my path of ash looks like grey and white snow.
Watched people cry, watched people die, If I told you I think they got what they deserved it would be a lie.
I've put needles in my arm trying to erase pain
All it did was kill my pride and usher in shame.
At one point in time when running from the law cause I had commited so much crime, I found myself at a Denny's buying coffee, with nowhere to go, sipping til' the sun came up cause I didn't have another dime.
Never left the cities, but I was off the map for years
my mother tried writing letters, I could barely make out the writing cause the ink was so smeared from her tears
If I was a turtle my shell would have a huge crack
If you met me today, you might say wisdom is something I don't lack
It's only causeI've been to hell and now I'm back
Today my feet are on the ground and things are great
It took being beat, sent to the human pound and almost prison up state
Ten years is the statue of limitations in CA, so for now I'm gonna count my blessin's , close my mouth and keep some confessions. You can look at hard times like bad luck or just take them as one of life's lessons.
Sometimes things seem so bad it makes you wanna quit, but you gotta keep trying and if you really want something, take another stab
reach out and grab it!
If you know the outcome and the consequence of a decision, then it's nobody's fault but yours if you suffer a penalty...
-J.A.M
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Brandon the boy in the bubble and Doctor Wise...
The boy in the bubble
Never wanted any trouble
People said "your too fragile you'll get cancer"
So he would just make believe, pretend he was a cool agile panther
People said "your body will crumble like wood flooring rots"
So he would pretend, staying humble that he could fly over the jungle with soaring hawks
Aisles of adventures were all he sought
" I'll be in this bubble til I'm wearin' dentures", so he thought...
His doctor would come every other day
Just to make sure everything was okay
He went by Dr. "W" first initial J
One random paralyzed tuesday
Brandon sat in his sterilized room lettin' blues play
The doctor came to repeat the check up
Brandon was the same from shoulders to feet and neat from the neck up
The doctor asked "Son why are you in this bubble?"
Brandon said "The people told me the air could kill me and the sun would be worst trouble"
The doctor told Brandon "the world is a mysterious place in our galaxy, but you'll never know for yourself until you go face the challenge B"
The doctor lifted the window wide open and let in the breeze
As the fresh air hit his face, Brandon didn't so much as sneeze
Brandon - "Wow doc you must save thousands of lives"
Dr. W - "Not really, I just tell people this; Everybody lives, everybody smiles, everybody cries, everybody dies and
EEEEVVVVERYBODY LIES...
-J.A.M
