The basement of my mind.

   Cluttered with shit storms and broken promises,
          Withered alongside reminiscent daydreams of passed past nightmares.

I stare...
   Into the internal dwellings of my deepest catacomb.

          Unable to process what resides in my literal unconscious dungeon.
   It's everything i've attempted to hide.

To die.
   To let dwindle between cobwebs and dust bunnies.

My breath falls short.

   Sifting through the residue of forgotten treasures and material shackles.
          They bond me.
Surround me.
   Overwhelm me...
          The unresolved burdens have taken residency within my hindered chakras.

My chest  is heavy.
   The weight distribution of disappointment is sharper than expected.

It eats away at me.
   An elusive daily ritual.

Tucked away it remains far from common thought patterns.

Waves of emotion.
   The tides roll in.
          Upon their migration my muddled secrets and hidden betrayals are uncovered.
               Discovered.

The look in your eyes when they fall upon my frailty.

My internal stack of unfiltered, unregistered, and unassured disheveled boxes.
   Full of disheveled useless things.
          Covered in a thick layer of problems i'm incapable of handling alone.

Alone.
   It sits unaltered and ever growing.

The piles.
    The filth.
          The remnants of what should have been happiness.

It all falls into misplaced sediments.

I'm a mess.
It's showing.
I'm naked.

    This hell.
This murky chamber of unwanted mementos from failed attempts and lost friendships
          This dreadful, endless room.

Oh, to live in a home without a storm shelter.
    Without room to store unnecessary baggage and all the unclaimed items in my mind.

To find solace in meager living.
   All this weight fitting into a backpack.

To minimize my insanity into a carry on.

   To leave.
To go.
    To be light enough to feel the light.

To escape this cellar.
     To live.

To release my self from my own idealogical prison.
    To penetrate the bars of fear.
          To dig myself out from all the things I never want to speak of.

To be free.
     Ahhh, to be free.

To breathe fresh air over molded dust clouds and stale particles.
     To touch without needing to rinse my soul clean.

To re-stack, rotate, and Tetris these piles of insecurities.

To break habits
           that i've reinterpreted from childhood addictions and failed father figures.

To be better than what i've become.

To set fire to this sham of a lifestyle.
     To be reborn in the ashes of this outgrown armor.

To let go.

To make you proud.
     To find pride in myself.

To not be embarrassed by my place settings and mismatched knick knacks.

To allow souls into my temple without them stumbling into my isolated lunacy.

To welcome love.
        To love.
    To love even the darkest crevasses of my being...

I need to renew my license to live.
     Overdue and out of line,
           My past self has expired.

One step at a time, breathe.
    One box at a time, breathe.
       One thought at a time, inhale.
    One lust at a time, exhale.

Inhale.
    Exhale.
Breathe.
        Repeat.

Awaken.
      Accept.
  Change.
           Repeat.

Next time I have to fill up one of those about you sections,
I think I'd be a little more honest
and list down
'wallowing in self-pity' and
'indulging insecurities'
under the talents and skills section
since that's the only thing I am truly competent at.

The masses don't know shit and owe me zip
can't take care of ourselves wounded animals
giving others the slip, taking over the streams
water runs the show charging people just to sip

Birds flaunt their freedom over the tree tops
and through the cracks the envious
four legged things that slither
eyes p e e k i n g out of the dark thicket
wanting to fuck each-other over
how thoughtful

People maintain they evolved
from risen apes
but some think we're fallen angles
who raised the stakes
I think we just got better and faking
the whole time
justifying our destructive nature

Culture is the collapse of something greater

I live
In America,
in a suburb by the woods
where the city is just a sneeze away,
but just too far to touch.
And the fireworks at the baseball games rattle my windows at night
and the 10:15 train rattles by
on time
every night

She lives
In Japan
in a little town by the sea
I was there once, among the rice and water
and we both biked to school.
And the cranes that loaded the massive ships loomed over our lives
and the hush of a small town woke me
ever
single
night

If any of us felt the cold of the sun
We didn't let ourselves know it until the end of the day.
We didn't let ourselves show it until May was over.
No one ever let slip the ideas or the we we're stuck inside a supernova.

Nothing came between us on those Spring afternoons,
Or in those twisted nights where we turned into loons,
When the clock started to move backwards and something was expressed,
Something wrapped up in foil kept cold and compressed.
But somewhere out there in the back of our minds,
the message was sent with the passing of time.

Everything is as it should be simply because it is,
How we express ourselves is like when we were kids.
And sometimes when the lights are out and the curtains drawn,
Something comes stirring that doesn't rest until dawn,
What it is I can't quite place,
But it lurks on as I motion from place to place

When this is over and I am elsewhere,
I'll look back and wonder why it is that I care,
Being on some distant plain I shall digress.
And hope that the animal in my mind can finally rest.

Words are misgiving and maybe I've said too much,
But I continue to write and I think its not such.
So whatever I draw from this somewhere down the line,
I can carry on going because everything really is fine.

And this life I live is so uniquely mine.

Anytime together with you is special too me.
It's our time to create happy memories.
Even when some seems surprised to me.
Or we speak things we shouldn't have said.
I can reflect back on that special moment.

You know it will come up.
That special moment where we share a laugh.
Unless it brings an embarrassment to us.

Anniversaries or a happy birthday or any good thing.
Will stay planted within our minds.
Maybe it was our first kiss.
Or something we won't bother to mention publicly.
Will stay private and apart of that special moment.
Cause something can't be mention.

It could be a birth.
Or a certain day set aside in church.
Or remembering those raises at work.
Or a promotion you didn't see coming.

But whatever it is?
It's a special moment

I guess
It's about time,
Time you knew the

Truth.

Maybe you might have known
Long ago,
Maybe you might not have known
At all.
Maybe you knew
But kept it
Hidden in your heart,
Stored away in a
Secret place
At the back of your

Mind.

Oh I don't know what my mind thinks anymore,
It thinks so much,
And this thought,
This particular thought

Burdens me.

I need to release it,
Pass it on.
Someone else

Needs to know.

But knowledge
Brings consequences.
If you know,
You might be mad,
You might be shocked
Or you might just say
"I knew all along".

Nevertheless,
I now need to tell you,
It might bring dire consequences,
But still

I must.

The truth
Hurts.
And that
Sucks.

I once knew a man,
A man who was my father,
Famous,
Honorable and
Respectable.
Upholding the values
He so constantly
Reminded
His daughter.

Or so I thought.

I once knew a man,
A man who loved my mother,
He did everything for her
When his family was against her,
He accepted her,
Loved her,
Pampered her.

Or so I thought.

I once knew a man,
A man who was a worker,
Busy earning money,
Providing for the family,
Always travelling the world
Bringing back
Stories,
Good or
Bad.
It was all for
Us.

Or so I thought.

I once knew a man,
A man who couldn't stand the cold,
He'd shiver and get a flu,
That's why
He couldn't sleep in the
Air-conditioned room.
Because he
Cared
So much
For his beloved daughter,
Let her sleep there
With her
Mother.
That's probably
Why he
Lied.

Or so I thought.

I once knew a man,
A man I thought I knew,
A man I trusted
Dearly,
Wholeheartedly,
A man I respected,
A man I looked up to,
A man who held the family together;
A man I thought would
Love my mother,
Not hurt her
In anyway,
A man I thought
I could trust,
Feel loved,
Spend time with,
Enjoy time with,
And Not spending

Every
Single
Day
Wishing he
Weren't

Here.

I once knew a man,
That I now wish
I still know.
But his actions
Unforgiveable,
Even the love
He now
Showers all over me,
I don't want it.
I don't want his love.
I don't want

Him

Or so I thought.

This cup that overflows
Does so with tears amidst the wine
Gently, I lure
Gradually I shade pain
Wishes in need of a voice
Eternal
So you can breathe
In unknown protection
Infinite
Footsteps echo today
Louder than any loss of direction
I let the cup overflow
With empathy
Acidic taste enlightens the tongue
Burns the coiled serpent
That desires release
Hisses around my want
In your name
It shall only be vain
To let blossom grow
Where I have carefully let all decay
No words
Resurrection
It is for the good
If scales fall away
Tower crumbles
I have spent too much time
Letting it all decay
To allow it to breathe again


(c)2013 PoppySilver
All Rights Reserved

today you hurt me
and yesterday and tomorrow
i hurt you
you whispered
that you never meant it
though you did
at the time
and the courage
to say such a poisonous
permanent
thing
is stronger
than any kind of love
you had for me
at the time
but i guess
i just have to forget
because my love for you
is too weak
and far too tired
to hold up restraints
and build walls
against your
careless poison
you’re the clots in my blood
the scars on my wrists
the tumour in my brain
and the salt on my cheeks