There's nothing I've wanted more than the ability to forget.
I've tried but I haven't been able to master it, yet.
I can't forget you're scorching touch,
You left scars, more than enough.
You were trying to mask your impotence,
I should've shown more than just indifference.
Tell me did you know what you were doing, did you notice my change?
Must of, since you asked "Why are you acting so strange?"
I never admitted, never told a soul,
I never seeked help- I turned numb, bitter cold.
Tried to convince myself I was strong, stronger than you.
I was completely wrong, you knew this, too.
You hold so much sovereignty over me,
I still can't comprehend how this can be.
You knew who'd keep quiet, you knew what prey to choose,
You're so clever, made sure you would never lose.
Do you know how indefinitely f'cked up I am now?
Are you happy? Are you proud? Do you want to take a bow?
Your time is ending, your death is near,
You'll be gone, yet I'll always have so much to fear..
Lord, I have so many faults.
Through pain or gain, my wounds they salt.
I know that they’re down there below even when I don’t know
Because my pride and ego overshadow.
Why is it I see myself in such a light,
But then curse myself in the darkness of night.
How can I be so in love with me?
But still everyday want to kill away
Myself from my own sight?
Lord, who am I?
I realize I carry around my pain inside me
And maybe I hope my ego will hide me-
The broken pieces of me that I see
Well, I hope your spirit can guide me.
Lord, I’m feeling a little lost.
But I said I’d follow you, and I knew the cost
So then why am I here harboring this fear
That I spent so much time convincing myself was no longer there?
Well God I know that I do have something to show
For this broke down life you once made whole
You know, I don’t expect to heal overnight
And even when I hope it would, it’s alright.
Because I know, down to my soul,
That this one thing I got right.
So, God, please help me
Not passively sit by,
But actively take what you’ve laid out for me-
Whatever that may be
And whatever that may take-
No, not for mine,
But for your sake.
God, I am yours.
And even when it feels like I’m lost at sea,
I know you’re looking out for me,
And you hand me the oars.
And by the grace of the Lord,
I’ll make it to your shores.
I saw you for the first time last night.
Instead of just looking, I saw you.
I saw your body acting as a shield against the cold winds.
I saw your thick skin fierce enough to withstand them.
I saw you hold my gaze then slowly look away.
I saw the scars on your arms and caught a glimpse of your pain.
I wanted to stay a little longer and pick your mind.
I would’ve stayed a while longer to just pass the time.
I want to know about your father and your longest nights.
I want to know the reasons why you still put up a fight.
I saw your beautiful eyes keeping everything inside.
I saw your lips holding back the thoughts that I may never find.
I heard the words that you spoke as if they didn’t hurt.
I read your thoughts on the pages of your old notebook.
I didn’t really know the right words for me to say
that upon leaving my breath might make things okay.
I kind of wanted you to know the way that I felt
and the weight on my heart for the hand you’ve been dealt.
I wanted to know how to make you understand
that I wanted nothing more than to reach out my hand
and somehow pull you out of the deepening quicksand.
So I hope you know that I’m only a person,
but to think there’s a soul with pain so much worse than
anything that I’ve probably ever known,
makes me want you to never have to ever feel alone.
I might never know just exactly how you feel,
but I want to be there when you decide you’re ready to reveal
all the pain you keep harbored deep inside your mind.
I know there’s a fortress you’ve built over time,
with the walls so high that they never fall out of line.
But I hope you know at least now you’ve made a friend,
and I want to stay to help you as much as I can.
I don’t know you that well but you did something to my heart.
I thought you should know that I think I saw you for who you are.
I’ve passed you in the halls and maybe looked for a while,
but I never saw you for anything beyond your outward smile.
and I’m not one to care about what other people say,
so if you think you want a friend, then my decision is to stay.
I want to know all about your mixed up mind.
I want to know how you felt leaving your friends behind.
I want you to know I don’t think you have to be strong,
and if you need some help down the road, then I’ll come along.
I don’t know why or how, but you touched something inside me.
So, if you ever need anything, then you know where to find me.
Cruising down the highway never felt so high-
with the music playing loud and the stars in our eyes,
Breathing in that smoky air never felt so free.
So we drank down that freedom and turned up the beat,
and we let it cloud our judgement until we ran it off the street.
Face to the windshield, windshield to a tree-
Just one sheet of glass screaming your mortality.
But we thought it’d last forever, running on a adrenalin-
Running from our problems, from anything genuine.
“I don’t need to think about death, I’m only a kid,”
Well if a kid can drive then they’re responsible for that last skid,
out of control and into the dark, to the point of no return with no option to restart.
At that point your intentions or excuses don’t matter.
So, take your potential and use it for the better.
The hands that you use to pass that bottle
are the same that can be used to completely remodel
A life. A heart. A soul. A home.
So what you do with those hands is completely your own,
and if they drink and drive and kill your best friend,
it’s your fault alone.
You may be young and wild, but you’ll never be free
as long as you let yourself be a slave to humanity.
So when the world says go, but a voice says stop,
don’t quiet it thinking you can turn back the clock
when years pass by and regrets are weighing on your mind,
and you sit there wishing you thought better to utilize your time.
Laying on your deathbed thinking of the glory days,
thinking how short the longest seems before it all fades.
Will you think of death then- when it looks you in the face?
Does it have to wait to shake you when you’re in that place?
If life and death is the big picture, then why do we shut it off?
It’s like we choose to be ignorant because we don’t want to know the cost.
But pushing it away doesn’t make death less real,
it only makes you less ready when the truth is revealed.
If they saw through my bones to what’s inside of my soul
They would see me for me- and not who they think I might be.
The stinging words I hear them speak…
They spit venom so casually, not knowing they’re actually talking about me.
But what they know is what they’ve been told, which they base on the moral beliefs that they hold,
But they can’t see that that sinner is me- the only reason they even took a second look.
But if they could take just one more, to the depths of my soul way beyond the shore,
Maybe they would see the scrapes on both of my knees
From the days I spent praying to God to spare my soul from this thing plaguing me.
Maybe they would feel the rips in my lungs from screaming out to the sky to be rid of my depraved mind.
But if they could see the scars from the blade I used to penetrate my skin
To cut through to the sin and bleed out all my inner demons,
Maybe they could they see my heart sinking in my chest at the dinner table
When my family talked about their disgust
And have you seen the pool of tears I’ve been choking back
Since the first time I realized I was trapped
In this sinful body with these sinful tendencies
That build up like scum corrupting the inside of me?
But even still my heart felt so pure
With the butterflies in my stomach when I first saw her.
And it didn’t feel like it should feel wrong.
But it did feel wrong when I stood along
As these godly people talked about chapels and steeples
And churches and marriage between a man and a woman,
And how anything else is simply perverted.
But in my mind, I just don’t feel
Like this sin is any more or less real
Than any of those their condemning mouths have committed.
But somehow still I’m the one to be pitied-
Or even still to be ignored.
Like, maybe if we shun her she’ll know she doesn’t have our support.
Because God knows that a smile or a kind word to someone feeling alone
Could easily communicate to them that you openly condone
Every single thing in their life that they might be doing wrong.
But answer me this if you know all about my affliction:
Do you think that I would choose to be hated on sight by judgmental Christians?
If I could choose my path do you think I’d choose pain,
Guilt, humiliation, and shame?
Do you think I’d choose to live a life shackled and chained,
Hiding away a part of me I almost don’t want to accept to this day
Because I fear when I see God he’ll turn me away?
You fill my head with memories,
my head is filled with lost time.
You filled my life with words,
but maybe you were never mine.
I wonder what you're doing,
I wonder where you are.
I hope that you find happiness,
because I think you stayed a liar.
I obsessed over you,
and I still see my habits.
As time slips on,
I try not to take time for granted.
I wanted something more with you,
but you couldn't fit me in.
I thought something different,
and I am still unsure how to begin.
I hope to move forward,
time heals all wounds.
I hope that time is good to you,
I know it has been to me.
I wake up now,
with more choices,
I am finally free.
With a firm grip,
I bring the pear to my mouth.
As a great white does to a seal,
And to my terrible surprise...
The core was spun in hair.
This was no hair from Royalty,
This hair was grey, and flaked.
It smelt of rotting corpses,
And crawled across my teeth.
As the tentacle like hair ventured,
It crawled to the back of my throat,
And it crawled up to my brain.
Leaching to my insides I feel it,
It begins to work, begins to change me.
My eyes grow heavy, and begin to ache.
A grey filter, it seems, slides over my vision.
I feel my heart shatter, and the shards,
They slide down my chest, slicing.
This is it, this is the end.
What a way to go,
Taken over by something,
Something we care to much about.
And now its time I forgot about it.
Every single night, death comes and sits by my side
Every time I shut my eyes, by his rules do I abide
He taught me the intricate balance of questioning and acceptance
He also showed me the innate frailty of structure and permanence
I understood the difference between wisdom and knowledge
Also why one must, without dismissing, eat one's porridge
That a bat can carry numerous diseases without getting ill
That seasons can bring change in the colours of a bird's bill
That questioning oneself requires immense strength of will
He taught me when to swallow my pride
Whom to trust, and in whom to confide
That one must take great caution while vowing vengeance
What's done is done, and can never be undone by penance
Things I never would've learned had I stayed on in college
He showed me that it's but a myth, the idea we call "flawless"
That bending the limits of one's mind can too be a thrill
That it's tougher to bring life than it is to make the kill
How ever hard you may try, life's essence you cannot distill
This one’s for every form of me
that ever screamed a plea
on bruised knees,
help me not to bleed.”
And to every former me
that since has ceased to be,
just know that every time I try,
I can’t seem to pull free.
When my head gets above the water,
just enough to breathe,
another wave pulls me under
until the blue is all I see.
But I didn’t want to let you go;
it just happened that way.
And don’t think I’m not a shell of
the person I look back on some days.
Now it feels like I don’t even know how to feel,
and the reality of life never felt more real.
And it feels like I’m trapped
in a predetermined fate,
and when I realize where to go,
it’s already too late.
Now I’ve got the world on my chest,
and there’s no way I can shake it.
And even though I know the right remedy,
I’m not ready to take it.
I can’t even seem to get the words on paper,
because these feelings are buried in me,
whirling rain clouds like vapor.
Before I get a chance to look at the sky,
the water’s already rising nearby.
And sometimes when I look into a child’s eyes,
I want to cry out that we’re all born to die.
And I want that soul to stay young and stay free
instead of growing up and growing cold-
marching into a life of slavery.
Because I used to be there once,
no limitation on who I could be.
But now I’m broken and shackled-
callused and desperate to break free.
I’m hopeless at putting pen to paper, you know I am.
I saw you sitting at the blue window
as I passed by that hoary chateau yesterday. You didn't look down as you sat perched on the sill like the fragile bird you are. I threw every pebble on the road onto that perched, divine frame of yours. The window was cracked open and yet, nothing perturbed you from your position.
I couldn't wake you from your senseless volition; I couldn't see your needs. I was ignorant to your needs. I admit it, so should I apologize? I always apologize and I am sorry. So very sorry. I wallow in my regrets from time to time. Please, let this soul be drenched in self- depreciation.
Your eyes found mine; the image of your loving glance puts me off nightly slumber. No image has disturbed my heart for the longest time.
Ah, time! Has it caught up with us all in this masquerade of waltzing seasons? The beauty of years is worn down each year by our own finite doom. Mary, dear I am afraid. So very afraid. Death is always around the corner.