You know, I
Can't even write
Anymore.
Something that
Used to be my
Escape can no
Longer ease my
Troubled mind
And it's not
Only that, but
I am not even
Capable of
Conveying the
Words needed
To sympathize
And make understood
What it is I'm trying
To say. All the
Good things have
Been taken back
And he spit on
Me again and I
Thought he was
Going to not do
That anymore.
Sometimes I
Can't open up
My eyes because
I can no longer
Face my reality
And I would
Rather sleep in
A nightmare than
Face a world without
You. I can't seem
To get up, time
Has become an
Illusion and I
Am trapped in
The past. I have
Come to accept
That I will never
No the truth. Only
The facts. One, is that
I am comepletely and
Irrevocably in love
With you and the
Second is that the bruise
On my arm and lip
Is starting to heal.

Please shut the door
but open a window.
What could I have done more?

This gun,
I taste it heavy on my palm,
if I knew where to pull it
I might
Some fight
this turned out to be.

Tell me, do you see?
Are you afraid?
What keeps you from running?
A worthlessness, cunning?

I'm wrapped in a saw blade
It seems to be one you made
that time you looked me in the eye
and believed my lie.

I treaded through the snow
Lost no limbs
Heart thumping to the tempo of my feet
Step after step
My eyes as frozen as the foreboding tundra ahead of me
I stopped suddenly,
Eerily,
Legs stiffened like
The sporadic pale wheat stalks
growing fruitfully across my neck
I looked around
and suddenly found myself on the other side
ravished
with the devastation that the
Winder ruthlessly spread
using it's red nose
and
trembling fingers
Black solar eclipse
eyes
Pulsating
in and out
Teasing
time
Altering
Space and the earth and
your carnivorous smile your
red vine
lips
rosy cheeks blazing
with
temptation
the
red apple
the
cooing
goosebumps erupting on your
forearms
from the
devils
careful finger work
I thought it was intimacy
but it was only a
touch without thought
without feeling
without a
future
or
past
Some
moment that stood out
amongst the millions of others
that
lit up your Christmas trees
and
held your hand when you were sick
Said
the
I love you's
over and over
until my
Heart
was full
and
disgusted
over and over
Until I felt my stomach disintegrating
into soil that
can never be
fertile
for You
or Them
It's a
patch in a quilt that stays face down
cold and muddled
on the bed that
no human body
except yours
can sleep in
I see you,
trying to,
interpret the
tail coats of my words when you can't even find their source
Bathroom stalls
coated with my
guilt
Two flushes
hand washing
Thorough
You're
Thorough You
pick up your purse
the clink of the
gold chain
slaps the floor
You exit through the door
I'm
sweating profusely
and I
pray that if I fall down and onto the murky salmon tile it's only when I hear the faded clunk of your heels making their way down the hallway
Give me some god damned dignity

gone

The god damned dignity
you washed into the sink that
sits in front of my
mauve plastic bubble
just to
mock me

Salmon pink tile
that kissed the
fangs of a thousand vicious hees
Dead
in an era I wasn't even born into

The sun is in my hands and I have no more feelings

Once again I find myself in the same place as the last time she left me. Even less friends and even fewer reasons to live. I've gone in one large circle but now with far less and more responsibility. She's cost me dearly and my heart aches at her thought. I would have died to save her, and gone through hell to make her happy. I guess, where do I go from here, is the question I need to answer? I know, "its not stopping til its over." I feel so juvenile in my pleas. Life is so out of control, in one giant sweep knocking me over and scraping my knees, just to see if I will break. I'm surrounded by her, and she's left me in this waste. She still says she loves me, but who could love a wraith? The essence of our exsistence lies with me. Weeping quite sadly at distant memories. The small such simple things, shopping at the Smiths in South Jordan, the pipes we smoked, the wines we drank, ring like hallow prayers to the tragedies we faced. The loss of our child, the parents divorce, the parents who hurt me, the addictions we nursed. When sickness and pain were cruel companions, we grabbed tightly to each other, now I'm grabbing at nothing. I'm grasping to words like they will save me... I love you Alyssa.

Another day down! I started sleeping downstairs again. Much nicer in the cool damp basement. Alyssa and I are going clean out and scrub the place hopefully at the end of the week. It'll feel like a fresh start. I wont be constantly surrounded by our things that feel like a slap in the face. I can't stop myself from contacting her. I keep doing it. She's strictly business. She hasn't messaged me once asking how I'm doing. She's really moved on. I just lost my best friend and it hurts not being able to share my inner thoughts, hopes, and dreams with someone. I'm trying to tread the friendship ground but she says she needs space and I can't blame her. She's a tough one to let go. Right now I can't handle never seeing her smile again. I live for her smile. I need to let that go but it feels like I'm letting my own happiness go. Maybe that was part of what was wrong the whole time. I let her mood dictate mine, but you really should see that smile. It would make anybody's day.

Hope is a rope tethered to tomorrow
Love is a drug prescribed for deep sorrow
Dreams are a means to escape the very moment
Fate is a date that calls for ones atonement

Blue is a feeling assigned to certain days
Like when truth and honor goes their separate ways
Or when justice is thrown out of God's own court
And the devil becomes your only support

And so be it, the tether has been severed
Love's pharmacy has been closed due to stormy weather
There's no time to dream for the moment has been seized
And my fate is the fire that burns inside of me ...

After looking back on the last few years with depth and hind sight. I've realized that I never really took a look at myself and what I was doing to the people around me. The selfish glut is over and the stark reality of the bed I've made is terrifying. I'm slashed deep and wide and my emotions are flowing out and my most guarded feelings are being shared with complete strangers. I've begin to cry infront of far too many people. I met a man today who's wife just left him also and in one look we shared the shame of what we've done to those we adored the most. We fought back tears in control of our composer tripping slightly at the raw we couldn't hide. The insight I refused to use could of saved me the love of my life. Instead I hid in our time of need the emotions I felt because I lost a child and couldn't deal with the consequences that my actions brought me. I realize now that I hid my real self from that moment on. The fears and sarrow that I had felt before were paled by light pulled to the depths of this black hole in my heart. I tore myself apart and threw the vulnerable parts to the bottom of my soul. Inadvertently cutting off myself emotionally from everyone around me. I weep at the relationships I missed out on. I just swallowed my aderals and drowned myself in work. Telling myself that success at my job is what my wife needed. More pay, more things, more happiness. The whole time I was snubbing those around me in brash strokes. I look back on a version of myself as a scout tilling and planting a yard for an old lady and compare that to a man who wouldn't open the door for his wife. What did I think I was doing? On the way home each day after long nights at work, I'd drown my stress in a couple cigarettes, deep breaths of sweet death, just to get home and hide my life in a bowl of pot. Letting the white clouds engulf me in the sparkling mess I didn't want to face. Stripping myself from the crutches was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember following a co-worker all the way to his car for a cigarette, after I vowed to never buy another. After that my resolve was strengthened and I stopped getting high. Little did I know the darkness just layers beneath the skin that clawed itself to Alcohol. In gulps I drowned out my sanity and made way for demons within. I write as if this was the first time, and I wish so badly this was the last. The demon downed a bottled of aderal, trying to finally wipe this disgust from the face of the earth. At the same moment failing completely and letting another demon in. The birth of "Paranoid K.C." My drunken rampage was the beginning of the end. I accused her of cheating losely based on texts I can't remember, forever ending the trust we shared, and losing the security that I would be there for her by trying to kill myself. Those were the moments my acts smeared the hallow ground that was our first home. The place my wife so beautifully asked me to marry her. The hearts still hang in my room. The socks I wore wrapped in the elastic that she wore in her hair still lays hidden. Secret relics to the religion of our past. Three days straight I was awake after swallowing that bottle. The first I lied awake jumping at every sound within our house thinking that someone was breaking in. The second was bad, the cars that drove by were people attacking. The whole world a nightmare. I had a class at work that day, regrettably I attended. I knew full well my eyes were dialated like two endless holes gaping into my black soul. In one long gaze with eyes dramatically pronounced the teacher acknowledged he noticed without alerting the rest of the class. Or was that just, "Paranoid K.C."? I felt such shame. The third night, we drove all night while the imaginary people followed ready to attack us. From that moment on, they stopped giving me the aderal. Thats when I realized the addiction it had become. Picking up the pieces of our life we made best of the waste I had left. We moved again not able to stand the terrible memories I, K.C., had created. We moved and bought a third of my parents house desperate for a third chance. This was our new hope. Our fresh start and it was looking good. We'd well mended from our wounds and the foundations of trust were in the horizon. In flippant disregard to who and what I am, we celebrated our new found haven. The Alcohol poured forth and we partied at our new found luck unaware of what was comming. Two nights in a row I let the demons back again in three bottles of bitter bases. I remember nothing, so Alyssa filled me in. Not only that I hurt Alyssa but was verbally abusive. Yelling and telling her that I never trusted her. Making fresh wounds of old scars. Finalizing her grabbing enough confidence to let me go. She left because I was selfish, and I have to live with that everyday. She says its her fault to, but that's something I can't believe from a faithful wife who stuck with me through all that. I feel like I have brain washed her without either of us knowing. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE!!!!

I come not
From a broken home
From a broken life
Or broken dreams
I come from a broken mind, not so easy to see
From the first draw of blood I made, I knew I wasn't the same
It was love at first sight, my secret beautiful blade
It was perfect.
We spent time together
She was there for me
Like no one was before
She gave me enough pain, utmost pleasure
Always wanting more
Until one day, someone saw
My lovely secret out
They took her away, my wonderful blade
They didn't understand this love affair that had come about
They told me she was precarious
Full of diseases and grime
This scared me enough, so that I haven't returned
To flirt with my old obsession
But from time to time
When I consider deeply
I never learned my lesson