The memory of you still exists in my mind,
three years, two girlfriends, and a thousand bottles later.
The way i look for your eyes in a crowd is unsettling,
searching each face as they walk by in their own quiet parallel universe
unaware of the longing for the comfort of your soft voice and gentle touch
I look for you because you still are the one,
the one who suffered with me without question and saved me when i was in need.
Salvation was in large supply.
Redemption was a certainly familiar entity.
and the road to your heart was a unpaved trail through the wilderness of time and space.
Let it be the one i stay on till the end.
Love for me was everything,
Beyond the troubles & distances.
Love for her was something,
Bound to touch & the distances.
Mistake made.
Love failed once.
Love for me was everything,
Beyond divinity & all the miles.
Love for her was something,
Bound to the kisses & smiles.
Mistake made.
Love failed twice.
Love for me was everything,
Beyond the doubts & suspicions.
Love for her was something,
Bound to me & the meetings.
Mistake made.
Love failed thrice.
Love for me was everything,
Beyond past & the time to come.
Love for her was something,
Bound to the chances & instances.
Mistake made.
Love failed again.
Failed four times with different persons..
I don't fear the fifth time, but I'm simply too tired to love again the way they want...
I'm luckier the fifth time my love is a success, it's the last time I'm loving before I love my kid(s).
*Peace*
© Atul Kaushal
The first time I stepped into school,
Admiring that beautiful wall of fame.
Carved in gold were so many names,
Dated back from decades ago.
Each year has a different name,
Each name part of history.
Shining bright under the light,
Too prestigious and too rare.
I told myself what if I could
See my name etched on the wall,
Nothing else can sweep it away,
Nothing else can wash it away.
But this dream of mine is dashed,
Thrown into the deepest sea,
Crushed almost for eternity,
Something I can never be.
I can't measure how much I've done,
Working so hard to get a step closer.
Each time I think I'm almost there,
I'm actually disillusioned,
I'm going nowhere.
From here I have two paths to go,
One to chase and persist on my goal,
Or I could simply accept my fate,
Give it a try,
Open my mind.
Perhaps that's where I'm meant to be.
My minds says one thing,
But my heart says another,
I hate these moments,
They're my greatest bother.
Is my life a book written my God?
Do all things happen for a reason,
Because that's how my fate was destined?
I wish I could know all the answers,
But I guess some things are secrets for our lifetime.
I wonder if I should go chase my dreams,
Be brave,
Be bold,
Be ridiculed at.
What if I grow to love my fate,
Loving,
Sharing,
Caring for others.
Is this the place that's meant for me?
I don't know the answer,
And I'll never know.
But how about the names in gold
And everything that seemed perfect to me?
To go forth and chase my dreams,
Or to just accept
My fate?
It boils inside you and you see it every day
It kills you to let shit go.
It boils inside you and you hate it every day
In her bruised blue eyes.
It boils inside you and you see it every day
In the stitches the nurses sew.
It boils inside you and you hate it every day
In your sadness and your lies.
It boils inside you and you live it every day
In his scorn and hate.
It boils inside you and you fear it every day
What his hands may do.
It boils inside you and you live it every day
Hoping this time his anger will break.
It boils inside you and you fear it every day
That you'll wake up tomorrow.
Different colored eyes
Each seeing life the same
Take in each moment in time
And paint it in blue or green
The shades of grey and red
Of violets of black
Every textured agreement
Any visible demise
All taken into account
By my differently colored eyes
My right closes itself so as to not see reality.
I forfeit the bet
I tried my best
But your body's still worthless
Watch my ego drown
I've fallen for a clown
I can't find the way outta this town
I smiled once
But no one remembers.
There was a time before this
A time we stood perfectly still
The bear smelling the air
And we prayed to god
To leave like lovers.
As I Wrote My First Examination's Answers,
My Hands Shook From The Sudden Drop In Temperature.
I Wondered Wearing Daredevil Half Sleeves,
My Stunts Took Too Much From My Performance.
As I Wrote My Answers To All The Questions,
My Mind Was Then Persuaded Away From The Cold.
I Wondered Whether It Was Some Other Deeds,
My Brain Had Been Fooled By Exam Conscience.
As I Wrote The Second-Last Of My Answers,
It Was Time-Over For The Exam & All Others Started Filing Out.
I Wondered Gazing Down At My Wrist Watch's Hands,
Whether They Would Give Me Some Extra Time By Medical Case.
As I Looked Up And Sought Few Extra Minutes,
The Kind Invigilator - My H.O.D. Said It Was Fine & Agreed.
Then She Told Me To Follow Her A Few Rooms,
Into The Dimmer Exam Control Room I Followed Her All The Way.
I Was Immediately Asked By The H.O.D. to take any seat,
I Looked Around To Notice A Chair Less Dirty & Decided To Be Seated.
Then I wrote and I Just Wrote Till My Answer Was Over.
And Ultimately Came Out Of The Mechanical Block Smiling Triumphantly.
Not saying more, you should read the poem above itself than reading the explanation of what it is about.
My HP Poem #13
© Atul Kaushal
Alone. Closing my eyes. Voices echoe around me. Sitting and waiting for fate. Falling over myself. It's too late for anything. Cold grey skies and dark faces. I tried and failed. I see your face everyday.And I wander. If this faceless figure infront of me. Is restricted and falling, into the darkest clouds. Dry. throat, empty rib cages. Bones rattling inside the pumping heart. Held in my hand. This fucking failure will never change.
This is closure, and hidden identity. Falling apart at the seams. Wanting to be part of the bar that screams. Then waking up, not being there, in that crowd, with the loud microphone
That was handed to me. I left and ran away . Cold and bitter,. Left in the sea ,with an ex friend.And a fucking broken bone. Sharks attacked my feet, and i swam to shore, the darkness across the gold beach destroyed all meaning. Locked up in cages, broken bars and held. In those empty hospitals, where, there is a bed for a patient, In a ward, where there is bleeding, Internally or externally, coffee that tastes grit, I would die in the arms of myself, Embrace my loneliness
Force a smile ,And dive in the ocean,Live a lie, just like I just feel
Just like they tell you, in the nights darkest, cold, alone
Afraid, I would die in the midst of the concrete slowing car, Forest embers, glowing in the darkest shadows, Cars and broken faces, In this town, where nothing changes,Familiar old faces, wishing they didn't exist, Wanting to escape, and this is all that's left. Cars and broken faces, empty train rides
Solitude which leaves the magnititude of the desolation in tangles. Broken in the spiral of hope which grips my insecurities, being and believing the epitome of lies when entangled in selfish views
broken in the cages of time itself, wishing to escape
Behind this little curtain, I hide.
I do not lie, but I do not tell the truth either.
I do not flash it in your face,
but I'm afraid you may know my
secret.
If this happens, everything will turn upside down
and I need to find a paper bag,
where I'll readily stuff my face in and hide under a rock
Until maybe all magically is forgotten.
I am ready to tell you the truth, however,
although my paper is transparent, a see-through glass,
piles of white lies may start to stain it and soon,
it will be so opaque you have to dig deep into there
To finally see the face that's hiding behind.
I am not desperate or a stalker,
or you know,
the one that sends you long text messages
and waits eagerly for a short reply.
Whenever I try to forget you,
you pop into my memory and tempt me into no bounds
of imagination. It's necessary I try not to follow,
but I always end up falling in the same hole.
So please understand, that if I suddenly reveal my identity,
do not be taken aback because this is what I have to do,
for you have caused me to be slightly obsessive and
longing for even a slight bit of communication between
us. The us that I dream of, the us that happened, what of it is left?
To start anew? This is rather painful. I don't want to forget, you see.
You were so lovely and sweet. How can I erase you from my memory?
People come and go, but you stay, longer than I thought you would.
This attachment is detrimental to my being. If any longer your existence influences me,
I will stop living in the present and reality and just dream on about non-existent parallels,
wasting so much time and feelings.
Okay. So this is why I'm being so secret there. You would only talk to me that way.
Because,
you wouldn't want to talk to me.
Thank you, dear, though, for that sweet little message.
Hey my little
sweetheart, delightful kinda thang
With eyes like mine, I'm glad we share
those twinkles in 'em
I just wanna say that I kinda
Miss having you around and so
I wish upon the stars I see all
the time so I may see you
once more and we'll talk
and have fun and
have the best day ever!
