Brown. So simple. So magnificent. So you. The way you let the world dance across your eyes and, let it tantalize your every thought is utterly amazing. When you open your eyes from every blink. it's different. Every time.

you stopped caring about yourself around the same time that
she stopped fighting, which is
to say circa 1977, when president
jimmy carter asked you to turn down your heat, wear
a sweater, and you still trusted that things could change
so you wore two and shut your heat
off. she was no longer the beauty you married circa 1960, which is
to say that she let herself go, which is to
say that you'd never loved her more.

now you're dead and she doesn't even
know it, but here i am getting ahead of myself again
and here you are hiding in the ground. i'm asking you to wake
up and you tell me no for the first time. your eyes stay shut.
now you're dead.

you finally gave up on keeping her home circa
2011, and you institutionalized her, and nothing had ever
hurt more. you stayed home alone. you
went to church. you visited her every day, and you prayed,
and nothing ever changed.

you went to the doctor. you died. you got cancer.
those aren't in the right order but you know
the story by
now. you can sort it
out.

you left me and i never even wrote that thank-you card that i thought about
for years, but i promise, i thought about it. i thought about
you.

here she is alone, here she is
trapped in her mind, here she is forgetting
you while you love her, here you are
six feet under, you silly goose. come home, we miss
you. come home, there's kolbas and solina and anything you
want, just come home already.

After work, we visited Uncle S----. I haven't
seen him in years, and he's not doing well.
He's moved in with R-- and L--- after time in
the hospital for chemo and even rehabilitative
care. He's lost a lot of weight. But what's worse
than the cancer ("everywhere", as M----
described it) is how sad he looked when he told
us about his 52nd anniversary. He gave Aunt
L------ a card and she looked at it for a
moment, then handed it back to him without
a word. I can tell it's rough for him, being
away from his wife - physically and emotionally.
They say she doesn't really communicate
with anyone much. I think it's killing both of
them.

i never wrote you a thank-you
note. i wrote you a eulogy three weeks before
you died. i brought cake but you're dead,
i cried for a week but you're dead.
i'm still crying. you're still dead.

i wonder if she remembers you at all.

We were Just kids
afriad of the world
Waiting on our time to break free
Waiting for our time to break away from this town.
We wanted to see Cali and New York
but never seemed to  get further then our front Porch
I remember one day we said lets just go
and not have a plan
or a place
fill the car up and our pockets with as much as we can.

When I was little I used to play with dolls
I was obsessed, every birthday, they were all I’d want
They were mostly barbies but I had a few kens too
So my barbies could date, because that’s what people do
I used to match them up, the prettiest barbie was me
And the most handsome Ken, well that was who I’d need to be with
They would go on dates to the barbie mall
I had a little set with the shops and all
Barbie would go get her hair done in the hair salon
And Ken would go to the gym, work out, and get strong
Because that’s what I thought boys and girls were supposed to do
See without a second thought, that’s what I was told was true
So I as I grew up, I set out to find a Ken of my own
Someone I could love, with whom I would grow old
But no matter where I looked, I couldn’t find the right guy
No-one in my grade one class seemed to fit the bill
And I just couldn’t figure out why
And as I grew up, it seemed everyone around me did too
And next thing I knew my barbies were in a box going to the thrift shop
With all the clothing I’d outgrew
Middle school came, people started dating
My best friend got a boyfriend and started acting kind of vacant
People  would never give up on asking who I liked
And they wouldn’t believe me when I said no one so I
Picked a guy, one of my friends, convinced myself I liked him
So the questions would end
Before I knew it, high school arrived
The first day of grade nine English, a beautiful girl caught my eye
I remember riding the bus home after school that day
And that little voice in my head said "hey Abby, you're gay"
Nah, no way, not at all, not me.
I’ve liked guys before, so it really can't be
I mean I'm fine with others being gay but that is them I'm me
I'm straight, I'm normal, not a character on glee
Throughout the next few weeks, as I got to know this girl better
The thought wouldn’t leave me alone, it kept running through my head and
So eventually I thought you know, enough is enough
I’m straight as an arrow, my thoughts can fuck off
Fuck this girl, no, not like that, in a metaphorical sense
Despite everything I secretly wanted, I pushed the thought out of my head
High school continued, the months dragged by
I even managed to convince myself I liked a couple guys
But something had changed, people were always asking if I was alright
They said I seemed down, and, well, they were right
I didn’t know why at the time, didn’t put two and two together
But denying myself of who I truly was, it wasn’t making things better
But then, one miraculous day, I was sitting with her at lunch break
My head was on her shoulder, and the thoughts, they came back again
But this time instead of bluntly saying “oh hey Abby, you’re gay”
They said “admit it, you know you really want to stay
Here forever, with your head on her shoulder”
And I thought damn I’m right, and then I looked over
At my friend, this girl, and before I knew what I was saying
The words came out of my mouth, hey um, I think I’m gay
Or maybe bisexual, I don’t really know, but you see there’s this girl
And I think I’m really into her
And she just looked at me, and I was so scared she was going to say
Something like ew, we can’t be friends if you’re gaaay
But she just said oh cool, is it anyone I know
And I laughed to myself, but still the relief flowed
Through me I had finally said it, admitted it, it was out there
I, Abby, kind of like a girl
And I had no idea what this meant for me, for my future
But I knew I felt like a huge weight had just lifted off my shoulders
Fast forward, one year later, I still liked that same girl a lot
She figured out it was her, but she was straight so that sucked
At that point, I was out to more people, almost everyone at school
And everyone accepted me, and I wasn’t the only queer one too
But then picture this, I’m sitting in a car wash
My mom and sister are in the front seat
And for some reason, it just came out of my mouth
Hey mom, Evy, I’m gay
For a second everyone sat there not knowing what to say
The water pounding on the roof of my car, until then my mom said
“Of course, we already knew you are”
So this was it, I was out, I soon told my dad
Well technically my mom told him but that wasn’t as bad
As it sounds, it’s a long story, for another time,
All I know is that at this point, I was no longer denying
Myself of who I was, but that self hatred that had harvested
When I was at my lowest point it never really went away
And yeah that’s something I struggle with even to this day
But at least I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am gay

I'm sick of stares from the entertained
so stick a catchy phrase that makes a song unique right here
about a girl about a loss
about whatever you like

I miss the days
that seemed so sunny but where full of weather
they've become backgrounds and melodies in commercials now

and so i stare into the ocean
like it holds something that knows it all

it seems my friends are drifting
and the days final door closed
comes quicker than ever before

what do i do if
if im most comfortable under my comforter
and when you're lover holds you
you come to find it's a pillow
you try to make your mind grey like a cloud once agaiin

you hear than traffic lurking
jobs are gettin harder to find

what do you do
most comfortable under the comforter

there comes a time when you gotta get out
it's nothing you did but sometimes our legs get numb
keep your head up
you'll never please everyone so do what you want

when you lay your head right down at night
put those headphones in you're ears
let those melodies make you disappear
when the most comfortable place is under the comforter

She sits in the hospital bed
Anxiously awaiting the news
As the doctor looks between the legs of her newborn child
And the mother cries as she finds out
Whether her baby is a girl of a boy
The sister of the mother calls up the father
She wants to know what kind of toy to buy
For the newborn, blue or pink
It all depends on whether it is a girl or a boy
First day of kindergarten lunch in hand
Backpack on back I enter the class
First activity of the year kids get divvied up
Based off of whether we are a girl or a boy
During the snack break we can go and use the restrooms
Two huge doors with signs that tell me
Which one I should use
It depends on whether I am a girl of a boy
Summer comes and because I ‘m in 5th grade
I am finally old enough to go to sleep away camp
Camp Jihuaga is on a beautiful lake
With miles of land divided into two main sections of cabins
Which side you’re on is based off of whether you are a girl or a boy
Middle school arrives, first dance of the year
All my friends had dates but nobody had asked me
So I set out to find my own date
But they laughed at me and asked
Whether I was a girl or a boy
High school, first day, second period, phys ed
I exit the locker room into the gym
And see a big barrier moving across the middle
And she side I got stuck on reminded me
Of whether I am a girl of a boy
Finally I decide it’s time for me to get a job
So I put together my resume and picked up an application form
I filled everything out perfectly fine
Until I was left with just one question
The paper sat there and asked me
If I am a girl or a boy
And I sat there I hovered and I realized something terrible
All my life I had just automatically assumed I was a girl
There were social conventions set up
A path for me to follow
Since before I had even left the hospital
And because of that I had never stopped and thought
About whether I am a girl of a boy
And I looked at that paper my hand moved back and forth
From each of the choices and I thought to myself
I know I’m not a boy
I’ve known that all my life
But I don’t think I’m a girl
Cause that just doesn’t feel right
And I felt like I’d been lied to for my entire life
All these signs on bathroom doors asking me to pick my choice
Of whether I am a girl of a boy
After a few days of thinking
And a good nights sleep
It cam to me in the shower
As does everything really
But I figured it out
Turns out I’d been looking in the wrong places
Trying to find where I fit in the spectrum of gender
Because I knew it was possible
To be neither a girl nor a boy
So I looked in between
At all of the possible combinations
Of girl and boy and boy and girl
And all of the gender queer and non binary identities
But what I had to do was step out of the boxes
First I stepped out of the box that enclosed the gender binary
Opened myself up to a whole spectrum of genders
Then I stepped out of that box
The one incloseing gender itself
And found a home in the lack of
So next time someone asks me
Whether I am a girl or a boy
I will look them in the eyes
And proudly say I am neither
I am agender

The clock is ticking
Time is running
Let’s turn to him
Before the world ends
How much good deeds?
Have we started to measure?
Is our time coming to an end?
How much time do we have left?
We’ll never know, We do not know
But the clock keeps ticking...
In each blink of the eyes..
Tick !Tock !Tick! Tock....
My time and your time keep running...