My love was not blindness
But the only truth
That you could take to be true
Never comprehending
Always
Doubting
Debasing
Damning
My love
Not as noble
As your love—
Your love was not blindness.
By no means, did
I succeed in moderation;
With you my feelings, like my words,
Came in bursts of awkward energy;
I couldn’t control the volume
And never realized
Until you told me I was yelling in your ear,
(You particularly hated yelling),
And I quieted down for a time.
Maybe I was too loud,
But of the words themselves
I should not have been ashamed.
My love was not blindness.
Blinded, could I have
Seen what you buried within yourself?
Believe me, all I wanted was to help you
Banish all for good, but in aid,
I found myself under the depraved dirt
Spiritless, struggling, suffocated.
My love was not blindness.
I deny Dostoyevsky’s distinction,
An error of translation, perhaps;
Even in the most compatible of languages,
One language will lack the means of expressing
A word so important in the other.
We’re the same person, we always said
But I couldn’t invoke that here—
Here where it mattered more
Than it ever had.
My love was not blindness.
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.
Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.
Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.
But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?
In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.
Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.
So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?
©NDHK
Something as simple as going to a movie alone.
It can be the best adventure.
It's nice to have wiggle room to just... go.
You don't have to worry about waiting for someone to tag along.
Don't have to worry that you won't get to sit here you want.
Don't have to worry about them stealing your popcorn.
Don't have to deal with their laughing at scenes that aren't really that funny.
And you get the armrest all to yourself.
Yes, it nice to have that freedom of entertaining yourself.
But then sometimes...
After going to see your tenth movie alone.
You start to feel like you have too much time just staring at the lighting before the movie starts.
You've sat just about everywhere in the theater by then.
You wish there was someone there to turn to when something is funny enough to share.
And the armrest sits there mockingly, like it's caging in your loneliness.
And you realize... you never really do finish all you popcorn.
©NDHK
You ran down the sidewalk
from the front porch
creating water bombs under your feet
with every patter.
Struggling to gain speed
as your summer dress
gradually became a sponge.
The thunderous mini shouts
coming from your mouth
stopped me dead.
Shamefully trying
to hold up the facade between
my expression and your heart
was agonizing.
As you made it up to the spot
my feet backed up from,
glowing desperation
could be seen in your
water well eyes.
Simultaneously stomping side to side
and tugging harshly down
my shirt you looked up
with a pleading confusion that
broke something inside me.
I couldn't give you
a straight simple explanation
for the question you kept
begging over and over to be answered.
You couldn't understand
how difficult the decision
to walk away from you that night was.
The choice
to better the one
who was to better you.
It was selfish
but in that moment I needed
to be for the right reasons
this time.
Let me tell you now though,
that you reaching up
and hanging off my neck like a pendant,
almost made me
toss the idea that I could do it
on my own and succeed,
appear believable.
I inhaled the smell of you
until I felt my lungs burn
and I held on hoping to convey
the meaning of this crisis in time
through our skin.
I couldn't give life
to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.
My time was running down
and my willpower
was getting edgy.
I knew that if I didn't
take those steps
into the unknown
I wouldn't be able to walk by your side
in all of our tomorrows.
So as you fought the untangling
of your scared limbs
and exhumed that agony smeared face
from my chest,
I breathed you in once more.
When you finally reached
a bump in the constant trill of sobs
pouring from your mouth I said,
"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."
I knew you hated those words
as I said them
but loved hearing me talk.
It meant that was
another minute more you had with me.
I kept up the
reassurance for the same reason.
A definitive honk
behind me proceeded the
collapse of your restraint.
Thrashing forward
with hawk like fingers
and indistinguishable words
you were held back with help.
It enraged me
to feel as if I couldn't touch you
but it was for both our benefits.
Holding onto your eyes
and the last of my control,
I grimaced a smile
that couldn't quite make it
and turned.
I rolled the window down
to get the full effect of you voice
in my head to take with me.
It would be the push
to do better,
be better.
When the driver asked
if I was ready
I said yes
while screaming never inside.
I squeezed shut my lids
and prayed I was already
back in our home
cuddled up together
on the rainy porch.
All in the matter of minutes
I felt the precious innocence
drain partly from
our life.
Thankful to the rain
for at least hiding my
swollen eyes from you.
If I could leave you
with the illusion
of strength
I hadn't earned yet.
Feeling the car pull
slower than necessary
is what did it.
My senses over powered me
as I gasped out
that horribly contain sob.
I knew it was
the right thing I had to do
but it was killing me.
I cut out my heart
and left it with you.
All to the
gradually fading song of your sorrow
from my window.
"Come back mama, come back!"
©NDHK
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
The evil of man
I surly know
I know my own thoughts
As well...
When someone
Betrays or backstabs
Or cheats...
We become bitter
Our true hearts reveal
The true evil within us
Without any will...
Be it Jealousy,
Greed, Power
Or Lust
All ignite a hellish
Fire in us...
These very things
Have run through
My head
The many of times
That I saw red...
So shocking the anger
And things within
That came from my mouth
I wished I'd never said...
Brought knowledge of
The evil of man
We are all evil to
Some extent...
Why were we made to
Have feelings as such?
It's an unfair commodity
That's conquering us...
I don't like the feelings
That evilness brings...
It makes me not want
To hear, see, or feel
But its time to realize
That its very real!
If the title got your attention enough to click and take the time to read it, at least leave your feedback....
I guess I can only speak for myself though, but any poem I read, I at least give my opinion. Isn't that what we are all seeking on here? If not, why not just leave it in your notebook???
Welcome to tonight’s show
Allow me to introduce myself.
I go by many names
Some of which, you may know
But those do not need to be mentioned
a howl, a moan, a scream, a summoning
Let’s keep this interesting.
This is the midnight calling
This is the raven cawing
This is the shadow lurking
And the jackals slurping
The demons wailing
While Charon is sailing,
The Acheron
The river
The first
The Eternal song
Of dripping livers
and Thirst
Stop
This is all confusing
And amusing
To some
And many
But to me it is painful
Demeaning
Putrid
Repugnant
Detrimental
Disturbing
And
A subjective simmer of passivity
A pious dose of sheer calamity
Once upon a time
In a land past the desert
Was a neon capped city
Devoid of hope
And shaped by
Casual nihilism
And too much money
A powerful portrait in all its brevity
The display of sweltering people melting against the asphalt
The mucous sunscreen and coarse sand between the toes
And crooked nails
And bleached hair
And coffee stained teeth
And pink nails
And Gucci purses
And Versace dresses
Shutter Shades
Corvettes
$5 lap dances
And promiscuous preteen slaves
To MTV
VH1
Pop sensations
Internet porn
Social networks
Smart phones
Model rock stars
Models
Interviews
Auditions
Mundane seductively
For him
Or she
The nepotistic aficionado
of
Delicious, robust, superb, disdain
Cocaine: Nose Candy
Heroin: Snake venom
After Parties: Gang bang adrenaline
Snuff Film tryouts: Garage studio
LSD: Acid
Plastic: Lips, skins, breasts.
24/7
Hits of E
X-T-C
and
Do you have change for a hundred?
Or a change for a life?
Cites in Dust
Thank Siouxsie and the Banshees; A carnival.
Shout
Tears for Fears, they’re Head over Heels
Love will Tear Us apart
From Joy Division, who claims she’s lost control
Los Angeles
“X”
Exene and Billy Zoom’s Wild Gift.
The perpetual rise of sunset rockers and Neon knights.
Teens crawling through the muck of socialites and incubator nightmares
Civil borders wired by racial slurs and salivating bigotry
Water replaced by blood
Spit interchanged for souls
And fire traded for icy methamphetamine
Warriors and survivors
Poets and dreamers
Shooters and inhalers
Geeks and groupies
Burnouts and Dropouts
Sweet dreams are made of this
Such a show, such a show! Bravo Bravo! Thank you, thanks to all I have time to thank: Martin Sheen, Julius Ceasar, Fender Guitars, Randy Marsh, elbow pads, Chuck Berry, Al Green, X, Joy Division, Tears for Fears, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Less than Zero, Alucard, Humphrey Bogart, Grace Kelly, Daryl Dixon, George Harrison, Brad Pitt, Rooney Mara (Love you), Belstaff, Emma Watson (Love you too), Laure Heriard Dubreuil, Manolo Blahnik, Hannah Murray and Michele Abeles.
So many to mention, so little time. We’ll be back.
Janice of red beret fame
with fair hair
to her shoulders
and dressed slightly better
than the rest
of there about
invited you
(with your mother’s
permission
and her gran’s invitation)
to tea after school
in the upstairs apartment
not far away
what did you want
for eats and drink?
Janice asked
bread and jam
you replied
bread and jam?
she repeated
as if you’d asked
for caviar on toast
no you must
have more than that
she said
Gran what’s for eats?
and her gran
came into the lounge
where the cosy furniture
was set out in place
neat and tidy
with a canary
in a cage
on a stand
and her gran related
a list of things
you could have
far exceeding
what you usually
had at home
cheese and cress
sandwiches
you said
please added on
as an afterthought
and Janice
had the same
to be like you
and her gran went off
and Janice said
she likes you
says you have more breeding
than some round here
o
you said
thanks
and you pushed
your hand
through your hair
and pulled
your school jumper
in place
and tightened
the tie
we’re going
to the fairground Saturday
will you come too?
you hesitated
and took in
her fair hair
and her fine features
and prim gaze
I’ll have to see
what my mum says
you uttered
o she won’t mind
Gran’s already
mentioned it I think
Janice said
well yes then
you said
I’d like that
she smiled
and spoke
of learning French
at school
and the teacher
who took her
for that and history
she’s a dear
and positively a beauty
I’ve got Ashdown
and she’s plump
and has an arse
like a hippo
you said
Janice choked
and sputtered
with laughter
all at the same time
that’s so rude
she said
putting her small hand
to her mouth
gosh don’t let Gran
hear to speak like that
or you’ll be off
her good boy list
as swift as lightening
you sat bemused
when her gran came in
with two plates
of sandwiches
what’s so funny?
she asked
putting the plates
on the table
o nothing much
Janice said
Benedict told me
a little joke
o well as long
as it wasn’t rude
Gran said
o no
Janice said
and looked at you
o no
you muttered
just a innocent joke
from school
her gran went off
to get the drinks
if Gran heard me
say thinks like that
she’d tan my backside
and no mistake
Janice took a bite
of her sandwich
and you ate yours
listening to the canary
sing and the bell it
rung inside the cage
and her gran singing
from the kitchen
in a soprano voice
and you took in
Janice’s light blue eyes
wherein you thought
but did not say
some good part
of beauty lies.
