My child I waited
Slowly I drag
My restless body
Up to my bed
Softly I hear a
Whisper from God
"How are You.?
"I waited for You all day."
"Why,? didn't you come."
"My child I long for us to
spend time together."
"But You forgot
to say hello."
"I Waited and waited
Until the sunset faded.
And still, I never heard
your foot steps."
Sunrise appears with the morning
"My rainbow mist shines on your brow
Draping a curtain of love on your face
I wrap my comfort blanket of grace
around all your brokenness and pain".
I see all your tears
"My child come to me now."
Quickly I leave my room
And run to the nearest exit
To a beautiful wonderful
Free from pain
No more suffering
I am free at last
Slowly drifting on a mass
of white fluffy clouds
I am greeted by to glorious
Angels dressed in golden gowns
Waiting to escort me to the most high.
Come to me I’ll decode the meandering streams on your palm
I’ll take you on a time travel to know what are yet to come
Though heavens have determined what path your life will take
The ups and downs all upheavals happiness and heartbreak!
Lend your palm if you trust it for the planets there have etched
If you sign off your life in sunshine or end up feeling wretched
For all your grinding endeavors may close on you all doors
Your strivings may go in vain leaving you with no recourse!
Sit with me a session see what future holds in store
Love marriage family friendship finance and much more
For each hurdle is a remedy each hindrance an overcome
For misfortune a ward off for bad time a curing balm!
Come have your dreams come true your fortune take right turn
I’ll get you blessings of Jupiter keep out conspiring Saturn
Protect you from all evils offer you the right stone
I wish I knew my fortune too if only could read my own!
I find it a bit hypocritical that I talk about "feeling" all the time,
I'm as numb as they get,
The ones that say they're fine,
Because we don't know how to explain something we haven't acquired yet.
I can't love you or hate you,
I don't have it in me to feel extremes,
You won't have what you need when it's due,
I have a weird way of letting off steam.
I can listen, I can "sympathize",
I can make you feel good- it'll all seem true,
It's unnerving you'll soon realize,
It's definitely me, not you.
I'd like to distract your thoughts,
Caress you, make you feel nice & hot.
For my own pleasure,
And maybe yours.
I'll feel good making you feel good,
Be very still, I'll set the mood.
Don't try to please me,
I'm numb, you'll see.
Worry not- you'll enjoy it,
The peak is in the heat of the moment.
Your senses are going crazy,
You're liking this, aren't you, baby?
You've become undone, you beg for more,
Sure.. there's always more to explore.
But, there are rules this time,
Fret not- you'll be fine.
Can't touch me, I can't stand it,
Keep eye contact, you'll soon be an addict.
The friction is building, your sweat is visible,
Wish it was more than just physical- I'm unforgivable.
You reach the top & come crashing down,
Only your erratic breathing, not another sound.
You want more of me- all of me,
But, there's not much to give, sadly.
You want to stay, you suggest to sleep on the floor,
Oh how silly, no honey, there's the door.
Hold these truths that men aren't created equal,
there was never a holocaust and slaves had choice.
Half wit typical negroid flips out like her race does.
All I said four eyed dumb fatty was you been on every
day since you made your main account back in O9'
Get over your fucking self and stop stirring up shit like
your kind do since your race been freed.
Have your people call my people ok cyber queen?
You type fuck real good under all your many handles. ; )
As your twin four eyed and ugly spike lee would say,
byotch, do the right thing and delete what you stole!
I don't smoke like DM and he is unimportant and
so are you. You are movie star? You will be one when
my dogs shit becomes one. His pile of shit looks better
than your ugly ass. Good luck finding that rich whitey
you seeking. You be working minimum wage for a long
time honey! : )
The moon was in the sky and the sun was long since dead.
when the shrew said to the rabbit, "I don't think its time for bed."
So they garnered all their energy and set themselves a route,
along the way with natures sway,
went searching for the truth.
They happened upon the lights of life and at a river drank.
But when they heard the hunters call,
their hearts they quickly sank.
It sounded like the last call to a drunkard at the bar,
as the shrew said to the rabbit, " do you think we've come to far."
The lights went out around them,
they just sat and laughed in turns.
Even though the fear was there,
they had remembered what was learned.
Amongst the trees and barley fields and rivers that run free.
For this is where they grew to learn,
that what will be will be.
Visitors had flown back home...
The much-longed for respite
Finally, was at hand.
It felt good...to be on your own...
Leaning on the bed, alone, though
Still nursing a cold from two weeks past.
To catch up with sleep
Was all that mattered.
Quietude was a blessing.
There was no noise at all
At 5:00 in the morning.
What? 5:00 AM?
No rushing footsteps? No showering?
No flushing of the toilet?
On a school day?
This can't be!
Rising from the bed was a struggle,
Everything seemed light...floating,
Panic lurked in all corners of my room,
Loomed, it did, and spread all around,
In the midst of a widening cloak of fear.
The vacuum...in the right ear...
Cleared those fuzzy thoughts.
My right ear could no longer hear.
Whether lying cringed or curled,
Prostrate, or supine,
Predominated in the days that followed.
Diagnoses and prognoses, all were bleak.
The cruel, deadly virus did it all...
The loss superceded, and
Displaced every strand of confidence...
A downward pull was imminent.
No phone calls were accepted.
Unexpectedly, true colors surfaced,
Real friends came forward...
Family, other voices kept whispering:
"Shibashi waits, tai chi helps,
Both can alleviate, heal the heart,
Heal the mind, to be able
To accept the unacceptable."
Fourteen days seemed a year already,
Moments spent in soul-searching...
With prayers and courage, gathered within,
I dared cross that busy street,
Though shaking, quivering from fear
And from the cold winds of February...
Almost got hit by a car,
Cursed by its driver,
But reached the church grounds in one piece.
Practice started at 7:00 AM, sharp.
Movements were calming,
Concentration was perfect!
It was a sunny day...
Wind blew softly,
Carrying small things, floating, flying...
Tiny strips that went with the wind...
What I thought were garbage...
Strips of thrash paper... from a shredder, maybe...
Thrown from a house I passed by...
Blown even further, higher up...
I walked back home,
With strips of paper on my head.
Two weeks were too short, I was still confused,
Unaccepting, mad, sad, felt cheated,
Still in denial, of what had occured...
Standing in front of a vanity mirror,
Wondering what God's message was this time.
Strangely, I thought of those strips of thrash paper...
Confetti from Heaven???
My situation wasn't a festive event!
Could I have overlooked something here?
Was God trying to call my attention?
I wasn't sure...all I knew was,
I was depressed...
I lost equanimity, I lost my serenity...
I was distraught, I was everything but happy.
But, those strips of paper...
Falling on my head...
Made me look up to the sky that morning....
There were no tears before, and even today...
I am a bit afraid, but
There is a calmer me...
There is solace in the fact that,
God gave me two ears...
I could still hear with the other...
I live a quite active life 'til now...
I move briskly...
I sit where the speaker's voice is most clear
To my left ear.
When something is difficult to hear, or understand,
I get so frustrated..
Sometimes, I forget about it,
It has its good effects.
It would soon be seven years after...
I have learned to
adjust to my limitations,
And still wanting to know how to overcome
Or resolve these limitations...
One day, I might just...
One day, I might just
Accept what should be accepted...
There'd be much gratitude for my sole request:
To be understood...
And not pitied...
Early morning ,December 11, 2013
(From journals of 2007-2008)
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
Keep me safe
In your warm embrace
Don't let your lips
Please just promise me
You'll just lose
Track of time
Alice sits in the large
window of her father's
library, looking at the
garden and trees and
fields beyond. Silent
except for distant voices,
from the billiard room,
where her father is
with friends of his.
Laughter, deep, haughty.
She hates it when the
men see her, and want
to haul her, onto their
laps to play horse riding
and over hedges in the
fox hunt. She pretends
not to hear. The garden
view brings Dougridge
to sight; the gardener
of manure. Seldom speaks,
nod of head, touch of
forelock type. The men's
laughter gets louder; she
imagines herself tucked
up in her mother's arms,
safe, warm, and out of
harm's way. Mother is
out for the day. Taylor
drove her; he of sour
face, dark eyed and hair.
Alice holds her doll tight
to her chest, arranging
the mother made dress.
One day, one time, one
of her father's friends
held her on his lap and
tickled her to tears, his
thick fingers squeezing
her thighs, his alcohol
breath in her ears, soft
wording sounds, she
didn't understand, she
wanted to get down,
and did. They laughed.
She still felt his fingers'
grip long after the laughter.
She sees the maid from
the kitchen throw stale
bread to the birds, thin
girl, thin arms and fingers
and features. Brought her
breakfast in bed once,
when unwell; sad, quiet,
sickly girl. The laughter
stops. Doors open
and close. Voices, greetings
and farewells, an odd laugh.
Then silence. No going
riding on a hunt today,
no horse-play; no perched
on knees with thighs finger
squeezed. She hugs her
doll and kisses its head.
Your mother will be back,
but not until you're asleep,
and tucked in dreams and
bed, her grumpy father said.
She looked up at me
Through wet lashes
Beauty was all I could see
I wished I could stop her tears
"A pretty face like yours
shouldn't be tear stained"
Is she just a pretty face?
Is all this time just going to waste?