If god truly does not exist at least I spent my life believing in something greater than the human race and something beyond this miserable thing we call life

Like rosemary twigs, and lavender leaves,
The loss that tore my heart open today,
Chews at my body and mind.
In my stomach I feel an aching from the emptiness therein.
Excitement is low, and I can’t hear the beating of my heart.
That organ seems so quiet and careful,
That I wonder if it’s my heart keeping me alive
Or just some force of the universe or my will.
At times my mind seems like rice paper,
An empty sheet of white with no words written on to tell a story.
At others, my thoughts drift backwards in time,
Wishing that all the moments before would still be alive for later.

I always thought mouths were for kissing, smiling, and laughing.
Isn’t that a beautiful fiction?
Be it is not a hundred miles close to the truth.
Yes, mouths do kiss, and smile, and evoke laughter,
But the movements of the lips are also quick,
Like the strike of a snake.
These mouths spread talk and venomous gossip,
One to another,
Like an apocalyptic plague that brings to all fever and vomiting.

Wouldn't the world be as perfect as an ivory-bell-flower?
If there was no heart break, gossip, or endings.  

Here I sit now,
Sitting on my knees with my hands resting on my legs,
And my back arched forward,
Like a monk in meditation.
The rosemary and lavender is growing all over me,
Transforming my body into a scented orb of green.

i find the time slipping past
as i get lost in my thoughts
when seconds turn to minutes
i am still thinking of you

I am the places I've been
the things i've done
the thoughts I've thought
the mistakes I've made
I am discovering new places
doing new things
thinking new thoughts
and making new mistakes
I am becoming who I was meant to be
and that's what I'm afraid of

Too many thoughts,
Too little space,
Too little time,
To think them through.

They're hard to explain,
In poems,
Words,
Or anything.

I need to let them all out
But they are stubborn,
Obstinate,
They just won't go.

They don't seem to pile,
They just grow.
As time draws near,
My mind disappears.

In a sea of thoughts
Unspoken,
Unheard,
Unknown.

I would like a tall glass of chlorine,
to burn my insides clean,
for they are far from pristine,
they are sick and twisted and green,
in this state I cannot be serene,
so give me a glass of chlorine,
to burn my insides clean.

i would like a pack of c4,
to  blow down my inner door,
and stomp in with guns blazing,
each devilish thought i be razing,
i should like a pack of c4,
to demolish my inner door.

I should like a bottle of hydrogen,
to open in my mind,
to leave it's burdens lighter,
to make it's thoughts burn brighter,
I should like a bottle of hydrogen,
to make my burdens lighter.

If you see the wonder of a fairytale
the midnight trysts of the snail
the laughter of the whale
the hammer being hit by the nail

The elephant afraid of the mouse
the cuckoo burgling a house
the old woman who lived in a shoe
the ghost who couldn’t say boo

The giraffe who hated the smell of his feet
the hyena who’s laughter was like a drum beat
the ant-eater who didn’t eat ants
the day Donald Duck forgot his pants

These thoughts made me giggle
I hope it gave a funny bone a tickle

I stood alone with eyes closed,
in the perfect view of the sky above,
generation swept below my feet,
waffle laugh filled the street,
they talked, without speaking,
they sang, without sharing,
empty, their soul filled with darkness.

Free are the doomed, the idle, the fallen,
for they are breathless, of this stagnate air.
I stood alone with my psyche open,
with quivering bones, and steady thoughts.
Flash of time, was catching my breadth,
ties of love, care and passion,
left behind under cloud of dust,
they say when your time is here,
you see the flash of your sins, mortal,
only, under the dark of my eyes shut,
i saw the face of my fallen love,
the reason of my life, the reason for my death.
I reached my arm to embrace,
i took the leap, into the space,
my face kissed by gust, my hair filled the dust,
the sky felt departed, as i inched the earth,
no cause to commend, no regrets to mend,
i feel free, i see my wings,
i feel young, i see the springs.
today i fly,
behind i leave is a lie,
heaven or hell i can't care much,
for freedom my heart clutch.
The world went quite as I hit the dirt,
the sweet pain seized my soul,
blood set free off my vein,
my last breath, drifted,
as it rose up to the blue.
I lay there cold, untied,
with a halo of blood.
Shattered, unwanted,
bordered by the living slaves,
silent screams bury the unwanted grin,
hollow prayers crucify the reaching hand,
in the end there was just me,
in my death, I am free.

Thank you poetry
  my escape
My councious thoughts

I imagine you as a young man
with a meek smile
   but a Large heart
Filled with promise
of justification

I'm
Not surprised
describing my wants
Which contain you

Poetry helps me escape
the idea of you
  I write it on paper
   so the idea becomes real   Real to me

Thanks poetry.
One step closer