colorful blanket of autumn leaves
covered the clearings between the trees
the sound of crackling under my steps
broke the silence in my mind
cold air and a puddle along the road
reminded me of a last night's storm
I walked towards the shallow lake
whose calm surface reflected azure sky
embellished with few translucent clouds
I was amazed by its surreal beauty;
so persistent in its existence
and yet, so deceptively comprehensible,
a thought about the transience of all
suddenly overcame me;
a thought, so profoundly insightful
and sublimely unclear, at the same time
awoke dormant memories
of what has passed and is forever gone...
I threw pebbles in the lake, defiantly,
and watched the ripples distort
almost perfect reflection of reality,
to diminish the overwhelming feeling
When I came to, it was already too late.
Tumbling at the speed of sound and pointed
at the only thing I ever cared about.
Readjusting and stabilizing
the shot towards earth,
I remembered what was packed tight
in the cargo hold with the titanium alloy exoskeleton.
It was a matter of total energy.
that I used it to come see my home world
even though it was long since abolished.
The destruction was a mystery up until now.
As I hurled towards earth with my incredible dangerous load.
My only hope was that I could come back and save my family.
I would have never considered
that I would be the demise of my entire species,
nonetheless all of the underestimated subspecies that would die too.
The vessels computer was attempting to revive me.
“Impact in thirteen seconds.”
The ship commanded in the most perfect womanly voice.
"Initialize magnetic gyroscopic shielding." I say.
My planets surface was closing in.
I could see the coastline waves
rolling and ebbing with the moon.
At this moment I considered my probable demise.
“Captain, interdimensional equipment
charged and awaiting coordinates.”
as her other voice commanded,
“Five seconds till impact.”
Collapsible was the style of our Universe.
All I had to do now,
was tap the controls and I would leave the atmosphere instantly,
taking me in between the folds of particles.
The hull was losing integrity as was I.
And on that thought,
I simply pressed the button
and started my return to my lonely place in time.
Alone in the distant future and in the silence of space.
The passing eons of space-time were rattling my very bones.
But I ascended to the very place in time
where I would have been.
And there she was in all her exaltation.
Untainted as I once recalled.
That’s when it struck me.
It was only logical that my life had been
looping all these years.
Destroying and saving humanity
all at the same time.
So typically me.
"Computer, set a course for San Francisco."
A memory lost today,
lying abandoned in inky space,
but ideas can be changed:
that old melody; my words
are lost tonight... put aside
my discontent; fore
misshappen words spill
from my crown,
quietly they come,
quickly they fade-
we must look to our next venture,
where i feel only freedom and
thought, chasing the sun past the stars...
The only thing worse than being with you,
is not being with you.
The only thing worse than talking to you,
is not talking to you.
Every time I try and go cold turkey,
I find my hand automatically
I grasp and open my fist,
but nothing is there.
You thawed me out,
a task previously thought impossible.
I can't stop melting.
How dare you give me these feelings,
turn me into this,
when you get to walk around solid
I'm a wreck.
Unrequited love is too pretty a term for whatever this is,
the ugly, confusing mess that has
The one you engendered.
I hope you're happy now.
I hope you can sleep soundly at night,
whilst I toss and turn between images of you.
I hope you can look me in the eye when we speak,
whilst I try hard to find the floor,
the clock on the wall,
as interesting as possible.
most of all,
that one day you'll open your eyes
and finally see me.
I'll be waiting.
Sad thing is, I think you know it.
This is me trying to get near
Through my hands in the air
And give in to fear.
Simple questions and choices
Silent, quaking voices
I try to paint with words these pictures
Of the beauty of angels caught in your angles.
Instead I fall on my face
A broken disgrace
With holes in his lungs
He's trying to plug.
And beer soaked mattresses
Speak of some of the things
I guess I call vices.
Pick you up and dust you off
You got blood on your halo
It's ok through
We're all a little crusty these days.
My knuckles been dusted
Three or four've been busted
Over these same old problems
Haunting graveyard nights.
I scream in delight at the thought of you
While I choke myself til' I turn black and blue
And spill the best parts of what's left
In to sit with the brew.
Tonight I'm thrilled.
I'm tired but I finally want to say something happy.
No more despair, no more thinking life's too hard to live it; that's okay.
Alicia's in my ears, the weekend's coming.
I'm about to see friends I thought had forgotten me.
Some have unfortunately.
But it's a blessing in disguise.
I have never been freer and it was about time.
To all the good people I'm about to meet.
To all the previous ones that always stayed
To my loving and only family
Whose presence I cherish every day.
I’m bending over backwards, cracked words falling from my lips as I try to explain to you who I want to be. My spine cracks beneath the strain.
You turn every phrase I try to translate to you into some spiel, shoved into my face. You called me crazy for being a creative thinker.
The materialization of my existence bursts forth into vibrant colors, a catalyst sparking my unwillingness to become you, who “raised” me.
I still have scars from the lies you carved into my skin, I scratched their opposites on top of them to blot out the dark tendrils of your misery and replace them with my own faltering hope.
Burning and tearing trying to prove I’m not the monster you tried to make
Taking charge of my own youth, teaching my own self discipline to restrain the unfathomable hate I have what you’ve done
At 11 years old you had lora, your /new wife/ steal my diary when she kicked me out of my room to clean it. That night her, sara and yourself read passaged from it aloud and laughed at me.
You turned my brothers against me so I’d always be fighting alone, pitting us against each other like wolves, but I got kicked out of the pack.
I became a fire
Scorching pages of my life’s history till it was erased, retaining the anger of memories and bridges burned.
I was never the villain you played me out as, I learned all my swears from you. I learned all my negatives from the influence you provided. You taught me hatred
I was never the victim you tried to turn me into, maybe I thought I was, maybe I believed it for a little while. That fabrication was never true, never who I was. You said I was your favorite, yeah maybe your favorite to tear down, your favorite to break.
I’ve figured out that people only try to gain forgiveness from things they’ve broken after they’ve messed them up past the point where those relationships can be mended, its proven with you, with my brothers.
You made too many mistakes to fix this, not with gifts, nor with promises that are broken before they leave your lips.
We share blood, I came from you, it seems my value dropped the moment I was born, and obviously you cant respect women enough to give your daughter enough of a chance to fight the world. So I forged my own weapons, sharpened my claws with the will to be better than you ever were.
My droopy eyelids ach as if I saw the sight of the sun,
Walking silently, but swiftly; motionlessly into her arms
I hear the fragile air passing through her lungs
I feel the delicate pulse of her neck
The fragile but weak heart beat; beating down the seconds
I thought I felt nothing
Thinking it would only satisfy my cravings
as her life slowly became mine I dared not to look
But her faint smile overwhelmed me
The sweet sanguine fluid flowing down her body
Onto my lips
The only time I feel alive again is in this moment
Until my cravings are gone and the despair numbs me once more
Her vision distorts me from her sight
Not knowing who she is or why she let me gaze upon
Her image, but it's one image I will never forget
For each second I felt her neck
The first time I felt my heart
And for each pulse I felt
The more human I became.
Apparently I am just as hopeless as my sister.
I have realized that through all that worrying about her,
having my parents constantly crying,
preoccupied with my sister’s problem,
I have fallen through the cracks.
I am supposed to be the good daughter,
the one who doesn’t mess up,
and the one who doesn’t disappoint.
I have constantly had that weighing in the back of my mind,
Every shot I take, every beer I drink, every puff, puff, pass,
I am heading, full speed to the same place my sister is now.
Every night I wish that I were back home,
back in second grade where you didn’t want to drink,
thought it was a strange and mysterious thing adults did.
I fear every night,
in the few minutes before the world is shut out and my dreams take over,
that I will have the same feelings as my sister,
the small thought that you don’t belong.
A thought that grows and grows when showered in alcohol and fertilized with weed.
I heard you on the news today.
You shot and killed,
Your classmates, your teachers,
In the hallways, by the lockers,
On the ugly tile floors that the janitors are always mopping,
But don’t ever actually look clean.
I heard you on the news today,
And every time I hear those things,
I always sit down and cry.
Sometimes I don’t even mean to,
But there’s always a moment that I’m just sitting around,
And it hits me like a ton of bricks.
And I just cry and cry.
If you knew me,
You’d know I cry at everything.
Birthday cards, sad movies,
Because it’s Tuesday.
I guess I’m just sensitive like that.
But I cry when I can’t contain the way that I feel about things,
I make sure I let it pour out,
No matter how big or small,
Because bottling it in,
I’ve only held a gun once.
I fired it at a pop can and it exploded,
And that recoil was a bitch.
It was a neat and scary feeling though.
I don’t like blood or death,
I can’t watch horror movies.
You might laugh at me,
But I cry at those movies
Because I hate the thought of people suffering.
I sit down
And I cry and cry.
But I make sure that I cry,
Because bottling it in,
Because when I bottled up the pain I was feeling,
I woke up in the hospital,
Puking up charcoal.
I swallowed so many pills,
There was a pharmacy in my stomach.
And maybe in your mind you ask,
“What could a girl like you be so sad about?”
Same thing as you, sweet baby, same thing as you.
They pushed me and kicked me and called me names too,
They called me slut and whore and took my things,
They did worse sometimes,
And they left some stain on every day good enough that I didn’t kill myself at the end of it.
Sometimes I had the rage in me to hurt them,
But it mostly fizzled into blaming myself.
Truth be told,
I more than understand how that rage and anger to hurt them,
Combined with that scary, neat feeling of a gun,
Lead up to me standing in my living room,
Where I heard you on the news today.
There’s a piece of my heart that goes out to you,
I don’t blame you.
If I were there,
I would’ve been your friend.
I would’ve sat with you at lunch,
Even if people threw things at us or called us names,
I would’ve been just fine.
Because those things don’t bother me anymore.
I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to feel sorry for you,
But I would’ve.
But that’s not why I’d be your friend.
I’d be your friend because I’m a good one,
And you needed one,
And believe me,
I get you a lot more than you think.
We could’ve sat in your basement,
And you could’ve shown me all your books and cards and games,
All the things you like,
The things that make you special,
Things you could’ve been remembered for,
Rather than this.
I would’ve loved to hear it, baby.
I would’ve loved to have known you.
I would’ve loved to tell you,
That high school ends someday,
And it feels like a weight lifting that sets you free.
People cry at graduation because they’ll miss their friends.
I cried at graduation because I knew I could finally move on.
I sat down and cried and cried.
Bullies are raised by bullies,
And they feel pain too,
They’re mean to you, to me,
Because we’re different,
And we’re targets for the ammunition
That has building in them for so long.
And then they are targets for our ammunition.
You know how it is.
But in real life,
They’re burnouts at 20,
And they don’t get very far.
I’m going to be a doctor,
Which you probably think is funny
Since I don’t like blood.
But this is what I will be remembered for.
Not a troubled kid, a shooter, or an inmate.
I would’ve loved to known you, sweet baby,
I wish I could’ve held you while you cried,
I wish I could’ve stood up for you when no one else did.
I wish I hadn’t heard about you on the news today.