I came home again,
hoping the thoughts and ties which I had with you were now gone
it has been so long, anyways.
I drove past all the places which we used to go
looking so stoic and almost menacing
as if they were mocking me with what I no longer had.
The time I spent away from this place
only made the memories grow dimmer,
and I hoped I'd never have to visit them myself.
Because when I'm here,
everything seems so much closer
I could just reach out and take your hand
if you'd only allow me to.
Time and distance have been so cruel to me,
the time always being in my favor,
but the distance never the same.
I wonder when I can come home without you chiseling your way through my skull
and into my mind.
I took a long drive alone,
and wondered what it would be like with you in the seat next to me
that familiar face
was always so comforting
but it doesn't matter anymore.
I'll do well on my own for a couple days,
maybe even a week,
before I fall back into the same pattern of missing you
and not missing you.
They forgot to tell me that the loneliness after you left
would always be worse than the loneliness before we met.
In highschool I thought I liked girls
I thought it wasn't right, to even look
that if I tried it would be different, abnormal
I didn't know it was okay
To want to kiss another girl
To touch another girl
That it would be a violation
I wouldn't be liked back
I thought I had to be a certain way
dress a certain way
act a certain way
I didn't wear make up, but also didn't wear masculine clothing
I was just me
I got stares from butch lesbians that were in gangs
I was frightened and alone
"What are you staring at?" if I looked back
Looks based off of intimidation
this wasn't me, this wasn't it
I tried to date men, same ole same ole
video games, boredom,
not having drive
it wasn't interesting, it wasn't making my heart race
going through one motion to another
I was told that I was just making it up
That I was pretending
That I was doing it for attention
Fantasizing about female celebrities
I then came out to myself
dated a girl
who wasn't a girl
he was genderqueer
he was trans
and it all began
I was attracted to beyond the gender binary
2 dollar margarita nights
at the gay bar in New York
queers stumbling, fumbling, sweating, dancing
going outside to just
light a cigarette for some pretty girl
connect with eyes
just to talk
just to have a connection
Turns to quick sexual experiences
With a blink of an eye
She kisses me, she wants me
She want's go further
That wasn't me
I don't know you
you don't know my heart
Then I met you
Wrong pronouns at the grocery store
No correction, you know who you are
Questions on identification, even at the gay bar
It's okay, you understand
Under the Christmas lights of my room
in my bed
with your smell left in my sheets
I'm so happy, I'm filled with joy
Tears rushing down my face
I can't believe I'm in love
What if the world didn't circle you?
What if, just maybe
There were greater forces moving us along?
We are just atoms
Held together by paper cuts and splinters
That we were too afraid to tell our mom about.
We are the same
So don't pretend like anything you do
Is superior to everything I do
I do not wallow in misfortune
Or blame anyone else for my spilled milk
And these will always be my problems
That you were too busy
To care about
Because you are chasing a future
That you don't want.
We are just people
And the tape you used to showcase your pride
Doesn't make you more
It just makes you a sad little man
With a handful of opportunities
When all you can do is
Steal those chances from others
Even though no one has threatened to take yours
And you believe that no one could
But the day will come when you will fall
And someone will steal one of those opportunities
You thought you had a lifetime to achieve
And I will be there to watch
And throw my darts at the people who thought they could hurt you
Because I want you to know
That I am there for you
Even when it's not a full circle
Well I don't know what to say,
I'm almost glad you didn't stay.
This way I'll have never disappointed you.
At least you're far away,
While I keep my demons at bay.
In my head I've already anointed you.
Canonized in the depths of my mind,
Somewhere I thought no one would find.
I guess I'm not as clever as I thought,
I didn't learn the lessons you taught.
I still have myself fooled into thinking that someday you'll come back, homesick for what used to be.
Fuck, I don't even if you could find the time to think about me.
I'd be shocked and speechless should my ears ever find the sound of your voice somewhere behind,
Coaxing my life back to juvenile delinquencies when I didn't have half this fucked up mind.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you,
What I no doubt know you already knew,
That I still think about the past.
My fingers raw from counting the days,
long now passed in a vicious haze.
well the fire we started just turned to ash.
so this hole that's been burning in the pit of my chest has done nothing but eat away at my ribs and lungs.
It's been burning away since the days we got lost when we were young.
Just like the house we saw on Graham,
With the burned out windows and it's blackened walls,
I hear the aching in my heart, so lonely in this empty flesh,
It sounds like a ghost as it calls.
I keep calling your name, but you'll never answer.
The sooner I accept that, the better.
Just know I'll pick up where we left off.
I'll try to move on, but I don't think I'm that strong.
The happiest day of my life,
Began with a whisper,
My best friends and I,
Addmitting our innermost insecurity,
Or the thought of failing,
Or an imperfection with the eye.
She talked about it,
How embarassed she was,
That plain on her eye,
It was there,
"A horrible blotch."
We continued talking,
Moving on to senselss topics,
Out favourite jokes.
But I stole a glance at my two friends
He was whispering in her ear,
Just loud enough to hear.
"You are so beautiful"
He rejoined the conversation.
Just as a solitary tear ran down her round face. She was smiling.
I continued talking about Doctor Who.
That was the happies day of my life.
Mind expanding, thought inducing, spirit growing;
my life, my heart, my soul;
this love, this pain, this slowly reducing hole.
The wounds mend, the pain still stings,
the road to recovery, redemption, & so it begins.
This is me, this is my time to progress.
I'm not going to die, there's still pounding in my chest.
I have had it all wrong,
I wonder if my grandfather
thought that, when on a steamer
he arrived a dreamer
of moving west from Montreal
single trying to find a life, better,
opened and tasted peanut butter,
and never did ever eat that again,
I have had it wrong, all of it
He kept dreaming and trying,
took the train to the northern Alberta,
saw his dreams take shape as he built
homes for other dreamers,
he met his wife, but that is a poem for another story,
he was a pacifist, he did not support, killing another,
but he sure had a temper,
for a peaceful man, he decided to retire, and that
let him get old, I admire for what he stood for and sit at
a desk he built with my dad.
I still have had it all wrong.
The desk is nothing special
other than the hands and
knowledge that built it
and something a father and a son
did together, one of the last things
of each other, that
would be remembered, they worked well with their hands.
Both men were dreamers.
My dad had his dreams, he mostly kept to himself,
but you just knew that they were to do with
things outside of the house.
Oh don't misunderstand, he loved working with wood,
he knew firearms, he recieved a Medal for Military Merit,
for dedication above and beyond what a militiaman was
to do, he wasn't a pacifist, in many ways he was different
from his dad and so many more he was exactly the same.
Shame, I have had it all wrong.
I was not an A student, but Gee, I tried hard,
my potential was palpable we just needed to resuscitate it from time to time,
I joined the CAF, married and had three who have amazed me,
with their strong beliefs, so different from one another, see?
I have worked twenty jobs and not one among them defined as a career...
oh and yes, I have spent time in an unemployment line.
I am not a carpenter, like the other two could, my grandfather as a career
my dad took it on as a hobby, I am a pacifist, yes, but don't push to hard,
I might write you into a poem...
I have written so many serious and sombre pieces,
There is already so much sadness in the world,
If planet Earth could cry a tear, standby with the tissue,
I deal with my stuff in words, I try not to hang onto them,
Rather free them like birds, Ravens and Crows with Hummingbirds and Eagles,
My soul is sore and
Animus would rather soar,
so I pour the toxins from my mind, my skin, from my day
you already know I am not perfect I sin, from my way of life,
so I pour the garbage I live and beauty as I see
it is around me for you all to read, shame on me
I have had it all wrong.
I don't have to get it right, I must write.
I am stardust, I am you,
therefore you are me.
A spec in the universe,
A boy once lived 3,000 years before,
Prior to his life a girl lived under a telescope.
Never existing together, nor knowing the other one had ever walked the same ground
-they were in sync with each other
Pondering the depth of themselves
Eating sour apples, skipping rocks by the lake, sinking into their beings
Growing like the branches of trees
Bewildered of what was beyond this creation
They wondered daily and nightly
"But I'm just a spec!" They thought many years apart
In the grand scheme of everything
They felt like the center of the universe because to them that is how they lived their lives
Apart, yet together they lived
Happily curious to explore,
unsuspectingly solving the greatest mystery of all.
Somedays I feel free of you.
Going almost full weeks without thinking of you.
Somedays I know I'm better off.
That you weren't who I thought you were.
Somedays I feel angry at memories of you.
Hating what I went through.
Somedays I almost convince myself that I hate you.
You entered my life out of nowhere and disappeared just as effortlessly.
Somedays I'm bitter because you never really cared.
Wounded over the fact that you didn't seem to want me back.
Somedays I feel sick thinking about how I was so easily broken by you.
I don't remember ever hurting like that any other time in my life.
But there are days like today.
Days I regret because they show how crippled I still am by you.
Days like today when I almost burst into tears because I miss you.
At least this insane idea of you and how I used to feel.
But everyday I think of you,
I remind myself that I shouldn't care at all, you didn't.
Everyday its the people like you from my past,
That make me refuse to settle for those that don't give a damn.
And I wont waste more than I need to, especially on people like you,
I have to be worth more than that.
At least I hope I deserve more.
she's moved on, and I feel sorry
that you have to watch her love
and be loved by another
she thought you were the most
in the world and if she could pick
in the world she would have picked
but sadly, you are just another part of her past
more and more faded each day, with every sunset
and someday, she will find him
the one she deserves
and he will see that she is the most
in the world and that you should have picked
when you had the chance.