the faces of everyone I know turn gray as they push themselves further and further inside
pointing in every direction
i shouldn't need so much alcohol for this
at least not god
trying to defy gravity by turning myself inside out
just floating across the raindrops from under your gray expressions
why would you stop beating?
why would you stop sweating whenever you love someone?
why would you try to lift something that shouldn't be lifted?
why would you fear what's intangible?
why would you stop throwing yourself in the stench of the town's hollow eyes?
why won't you fall when you should stay upfront?
why would you push yourself away?
why would you calculate fear? especially when it's so beautiful? even if it's unreal?
why would you turn pale? so you could just say fuck you!?
so you could join the grey faces?
so you could think that there's a difference between what you feel and what others love?
so that you could just stop shouting from the top of your lungs until your heart would tear apart into hundreds of thousands of gods of your own?
so you could see only for a moment and then be blinded by your own reflection?
so then join the group so others can take your place
even if it's useless
even if it's horrible
even if it's just your lungs giving us everything we need
even if it's just carelessness
on their part
even if they're imperfect
even if you're perfect
even if it counts
even if it could actually mean something
even if it will kill you in the end?
will you please stop now?
just stop sitting with your head pushed so hard against yourself that you turn into a mosaic of the town
stop making bridges out of yourself
stop reinventing everyone's love stories and
stop living your parents' lives
stop thinking that they love you because they do
stop painting flowers on every broken window
and stop harming what isn't there
even if you want it to
I watched you as you closed your eyes last night,
lying there unshaven. God help me it hurt
to think that this might stop,
that you might leave.
So inside me you are I fear
only bloodletting can ease
Purge the emptiness and
accommodate the half- love
you bring to me.
Even that will do.
I feel its warm, slow trickle
seeping slowly through my pores,
over invisible scars that wept daily.
I've made a space for you
in this torn ,twisted, broken
and bruised shell.
I doubt you notice though.
You will if you look at my eyes
and see the colour of my tears.
Watch the slow stream
of blood-red stain my
So last night
I whispered all of your dreams unprompted
I saw your jaw drop but I tried to conspicuously not pay attention;
I just liberated you from from a bar of twenty men all drooling
I fend them off and kept two of you entertained with only one of me
and the dreams of my dreamy elusive brother coworker or friend
I paid a lot of attention to the needs and dreams of your friend
But if I'm honest
even though I was making sure she was safe
cause that's what i do
I was looking at you and dreaming
I was staring straight into your eyes
looking straight into your soul
I don't have much of almost anything
but I can look deep down and see true
most people really don't believe it
and i don't blame them, why would you?
But there was a moment there
talking at the bar
when you were looking at me
like you loved me
more than anything
that had ever come or gone
and it was the briefest of moments
but i fucking swear i saw it
and it made me love you
with you dirty blond hair
and all of your compassionate let's just take care of my friend care
I mean, yes
Like i heard you
you have a boyfriend
you say it like it's means something
to someone like me
who's only ever always confronted with adversity
I have a back burner
and all of your friends
and it's not like
im saying anything
a little bit
and surprisingly so
a lack of interest
in anything intelligent or courageous
it's like the human race took 5
and was all over it
can't ever really quite describe
what im looking for
what lights up the fire
what stokes the soul
behind my eyes
cause i'm a believer
and i believe most true
and i think im feeling something
maybe i love you
...I remember who talked to me all night about everything
about significant things great and small
tiny odd reccolecctions
everything her things my things your things all things fuck pretty much everything
That I answered or said without saying as things that are true
I might have lied
Because you started talking like my dreams...
I covered every base what the fuck do you want me to do?
You were so fucking cool
I think I met your friend
Only to meet you
or your boyfriend...
fuck i seriously hope that one ain't true but like I'm a buhhdist now and can't say
It's like you have never met a man who see's the future
A gingerbread man baked and burned in the oven for fun
Who got tortured for years into a smile that we all love
It's like we all take things so seriously instead of laughing and drinking
and hearing the endearing lunacy of our friends
fuck if we just took a minute to wait and pretend to understand all of that darkness we let lurk in
it would be like a circus show of light delivering all of us from the three ring thing of everything
that is bad
our own macabre circus of rejection, judgement, and humiliation for all of our kind. So when you are done with your boyfriend, fiance, husband, i know not yet; talk to me first before every voyage and adventure set in opposition just for the fuck of it.
but what you can't count on
is that i'm so much older and I've been around
I don't think you might know what it is like
to double down
over years and years
it's like you get a discount
on the odds
for multiples of five years
cause who really lasts that long?
but who knows
cause life is like a lotto taro hurricane
no sense to distribute the sad recompense
let's just fucking spend it before we pay
on all the debts we just made
and all of the futures that greyed out just fadet(ed)
that's the point of grey vistas
all the deals and the souls we just promised in casual relation to make it
We try to pretend
we're all samurai
noble sacrafice to budo
it's cool that i alone must die
but i think we all smell some bullshit
in the way and the feel of this philosophy
that tells us to fight it instead of accept it
so let's beware those wayward philosophies
that perhaps might be misguided
telling us that nothing matters
as opposed to those that tell us
to simply love
all of those that surround us
And I saw her put her name into facebook on my phone
but when it was all said and done and i unlocked it all
it was gone
If i hadn't been dealing with this for almost twenty years; i think i'd cry like a little girl.
You never know do you?
Don't you get that feeling?
Where you think you're walking
Working all day and all night
Everyday with no motivation at all
Unhappiness, Awkwardness and Stressfulness
But never moving forward
While the others are already at the end of the finish line
You're still at the start of the line
Still alive but I'm barely breathing
Next thing I know I'm falling to pieces
What am I going to do when I'm all
choked up and you're okay
When the best part of me was always you
I'm falling to pieces
Brokenhearted, Loneliness, Heartbreak
I'm gonna get a heart attack soon
And going to die slowly
I let all of this happen
I let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break myself
I've learnt the hard way
to never let it get that far
because of you
i find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
I am afraid
I lose my ways
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness
I'm forced to fake a smile everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break
I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
But, I'll move on, stay strong and move forward
I don't need those silly boys
I don't need a man
I can live by myself and
I don't need any friends
Forget about them
They're not worth my time at all
I can do it
I am strong
I should , I should just move on
Get on back with my life.
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.
Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.
Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.
But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?
In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.
Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.
So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?
I got caught in a daze, within my daze.
Lost in my thoughts, minding my own, I was bombarded.
The sight of you in my zoned out vision line.
The pressed gray shirt you were wearing was untucked.
Your shoe had come untied.
You cleared your throat obnoxiously, on purpose.
And I think a piece of your hair was sticking straight up in the back.
But all I could focus on was the chain hanging down your chest.
I remember so vividly what you looked like when you were saying goodbye.
You were looking up at me with the sun in your eyes and in your hair.
You were squinting and frowning and searching for words.
I asked you why you were there and without skipping a beat you answered
“Because I might not have another chance after this.”
I didn’t want to think you were right – I wanted to contradict you,
but some part of me knew you had a point.
So I said nothing.
And you shrugged.
And you turned around and you kept saying goodbye.
And I don’t think I'll ever forget it.
Janice of red beret fame
with fair hair
to her shoulders
and dressed slightly better
than the rest
of there about
(with your mother’s
and her gran’s invitation)
to tea after school
in the upstairs apartment
not far away
what did you want
for eats and drink?
bread and jam
bread and jam?
as if you’d asked
for caviar on toast
no you must
have more than that
Gran what’s for eats?
and her gran
came into the lounge
where the cosy furniture
was set out in place
neat and tidy
with a canary
in a cage
on a stand
and her gran related
a list of things
you could have
what you usually
had at home
cheese and cress
please added on
as an afterthought
had the same
to be like you
and her gran went off
and Janice said
she likes you
says you have more breeding
than some round here
and you pushed
through your hair
your school jumper
to the fairground Saturday
will you come too?
and took in
her fair hair
and her fine features
and prim gaze
I’ll have to see
what my mum says
o she won’t mind
mentioned it I think
well yes then
I’d like that
of learning French
and the teacher
who took her
for that and history
she’s a dear
and positively a beauty
I’ve got Ashdown
and she’s plump
and has an arse
like a hippo
all at the same time
that’s so rude
putting her small hand
to her mouth
gosh don’t let Gran
hear to speak like that
or you’ll be off
her good boy list
as swift as lightening
you sat bemused
when her gran came in
with two plates
what’s so funny?
putting the plates
on the table
o nothing much
Benedict told me
a little joke
o well as long
as it wasn’t rude
and looked at you
just a innocent joke
her gran went off
to get the drinks
if Gran heard me
say thinks like that
she’d tan my backside
and no mistake
Janice took a bite
of her sandwich
and you ate yours
listening to the canary
sing and the bell it
rung inside the cage
and her gran singing
from the kitchen
in a soprano voice
and you took in
Janice’s light blue eyes
wherein you thought
but did not say
some good part
of beauty lies.
Sometimes things seem to good to be true, but it doesn't mean they usually are...
I've gone from having everything to nothing, until 100% turned to 0. I've had an addiction so bad I sold everything until I had nothing , but a DVD starring Robert DeNiro.
I've burnt bridges with almost everyone I know
looking back my path of ash looks like grey and white snow.
Watched people cry, watched people die, If I told you I think they got what they deserved it would be a lie.
I've put needles in my arm trying to erase pain
All it did was kill my pride and usher in shame.
At one point in time when running from the law cause I had commited so much crime, I found myself at a Denny's buying coffee, with nowhere to go, sipping til' the sun came up cause I didn't have another dime.
Never left the cities, but I was off the map for years
my mother tried writing letters, I could barely make out the writing cause the ink was so smeared from her tears
If I was a turtle my shell would have a huge crack
If you met me today, you might say wisdom is something I don't lack
It's only causeI've been to hell and now I'm back
Today my feet are on the ground and things are great
It took being beat, sent to the human pound and almost prison up state
Ten years is the statue of limitations in CA, so for now I'm gonna count my blessin's , close my mouth and keep some confessions. You can look at hard times like bad luck or just take them as one of life's lessons.
Sometimes things seem so bad it makes you wanna quit, but you gotta keep trying and if you really want something, take another stab
reach out and grab it!
If you know the outcome and the consequence of a decision, then it's nobody's fault but yours if you suffer a penalty...
Don't you know I can see right through you my dear
If you were a window you couldn't be more clear
Your afraid to love again and trust me, I understand your fear
All I seek is your friendship at this point in time
There are things you need to figure out in your life
and there are things I need to figure out in mine
I would never try to start something over night
just want you to think of me when the time is right,
but right now my future is the only thing locked in my sight
Things that make so much sense only happen once in a lifetime
Life moves fast, but I won't leave you behind
So please don't waste to much time with the battles in your mind
I'm not about lust, this world is filled with beautiful women, attraction is a given, I'm about love and trust
Even though I might be sensual and extremely sexual,
I'm what you call an intellectual
The key to my heart is through my mind, you gotta have brains
so show me your the kind and not just another lame
For now I'll give you my friendship and loyalty
Keep your head on straight and maybe one day I'll give you my love and show you whats it's like to be treated like royalty
The word "unique" didn't exist until you were born and showed the dictionary it forgot the "e"
You could possibly be, INSIDE and OUT the most beautiful thing in this world to me...