It’s amazing how one hospital trip can change the rest of your life. Or even lack of one even. He was four. I, three. It was late, I had no idea why I was going to Bridget and John’s house. More importantly, I didn’t know why Zack wasn’t coming with me. 11 pm, I guess that’s pretty late for a three year old. I don’t think at that point I really had any grasp on what was actually happening. That nothing would ever be the same again. Half asleep, trudging to that sliding glass door I’d seen hundreds of times. I went into the house, the aroma of sweet cinnamon and love hung in the air.
Burnt toast and peanut butter. That pretty much sums up an entire year of my life. Three years old, and for almost every weekend, which was too many, spent with Bridget and John, sleepless nights and peanut butter toast. There was: late night toast, midnight toast, way too early morning toast, morning toast, breakfast toast, too much toast. I think I was a picky three year old, then again, that isn’t exactly unheard of. I wasn’t very fond of peanut butter or toast, but I still ate it. I yearned for a sweet taste of normality. I craved something routine. Funny, because my life was everything but normal during that year. Funny, because I will never eat peanut butter toast ever, again.
Many nights spent waiting for an answer. Wishing to go back, and hoping for everything to be okay. But as the car rolled out of the gravel driveway on that first night, so did an unmedicated future for my brother.
I was upstairs doing science
I came down for a break
I had sixty seconds to eat a snack
So I fixed myself a shake.
I sipped for fifteen minutes
Then my mother said, "Alright.
It's time to go upstairs to work
or we're gonna have a fight
I looked up at the clock
and I said to mom, "Already?
I still have fifty seconds left
and I still want some spaghetti."
I went to my computer and
I played a fishing game.
I played for twenty minutes
till my mom called out my name
"It's time to go upstairs, my dear!
The day is near its end!"
I still had forty seconds, though
and emails left to send
I sat down on the piano bench
and played the whole book through.
My birds began to chirp and tweet
I clapped my hands and stomped my feet.
My mom began to scream and shout
"Get up, go work, or you'll be out!"
"I only played six songs you know!
I've thirty seconds left to go!"
I opened the door
and stepped quickly outside
I searched for ten minutes
for a good place to hide.
I heard some rustling
very nearby and
a short moment later,
my mom cried out, "WHY??"
"You're deliberately wasting!
Go on! Do your school!
You're driving me crazy!
I'm starting to drool!"
"Please mom, come on!
I thought you were smart.
I've got twenty seconds,
I think I'll do art!"
I got out my pencils,
crayons and paint
I scribbled on paper.
My mom, she felt faint.
"You're getting me mad!
My hair's turning grey!
My skin's turning purple!"
She started to say.
She collapsed on the floor
and screamed bloody murder.
I think everyone in the world
could have heard her.
"Why aren't you working?
I really don't know!
Waiting for you is like
watching grass grow!"
My painting of oranges,
roses and pears,
was super fantastic
but mom didn't care.
I cleaned up the brushes
and rinsed out my hair.
And all this I did
with ten seconds to spare!
I looked out the window,
the sky was pitch black.
The day, it was over,
there's no turning back.
My science, unfinished,
my math stayed undone.
My mother lay limp,
but at least I had fun!
Dream on dreamer
Accomplish what is needed
Go on with life
Live like you should
But be careful of the storms
Keep out of the way
Hold on tight
I think we're going for a ride
Death holds you by the reigns
And life pulls you along
When everything changes
Nothing can be wrong
Magic in the air
Fire in our hearts
This is a revolution
Don't try and stop us now.
I've said it before
I've said calm and zen
I've declared and I've swore
And I'll say it again
I am not afraid to die
When I think of death my head is burning
And in a way I'm yearning
To be done with all this rotten lack of truth.
When I think of death my head is raving
And in a way I'm craving
To be done with all this agony
I've paid my dues
And I've got nothing left to lose
I'm not afraid to die
This seems hopeless and sad to you
"What does she live for, if she does not fear the universal fear?"
I will laugh at the odds, and laugh at everything, and laugh at the austere
And live my life so well that Death
Will falter, flicker, hesitate
And hover in reluctance
Before taking me away
When someone's great
It's hard to think
You're great enough.
Done fucked me up.)
Sure... Just write down your secrets.
What a simplistic idea.
You know those things you've done or thought or said that you be terrified if someone ever found out those very things came from you.... pu tthem down on paper. It's just that easy!!!
But the truth is: we all have them.
Ones that will make us feel smaller than we'd like to feel.
Ones that remind us that we are bigger that we think we are.
Ones that in front of other people we might take pride in, but behind closed doors imprison us with shame.
Ones that we're too afraid to claim as our own because of what people might think or say if they knew,
but in our solitude, speak peace to the confusion and restlessness conjured up in our hiding from the sometimes brutaltruth that makes us the men and women we've become today.
But what if I told you you're not alone?
What if I told you that I've found a place where you can be honest with your secrets and no one will judge you, tell you that you're wrong or that you you're some kind of monster because of what you've
Been honest about with others and more importantly....
Let me put your heart at rest by saying to all of you:
You dont have to be afraid anymore.
This is a place to release all of those fears...
To finally put behind you what might have been weighing on your conscience for
Now is your chance to be FREE
I went into the wild
to look for dirt
something to cover the scars
I was never looking for you
but on my search for worthless
I found a gem so pure
And I think there was something
awful special about you
because the scars
that I once tried to cover
were now fading
and I don't know how a gem,
like you, did it
but I think you saved me
Sorrows of the past,
litte scatters think out fast.
I really am a rapper,
my lips blow out what matter,
happy make you sadder,
feal you up to climb this latter,
as a quick word just wanna be heard
know whats left so we take you down the right turn,
if you wanna talk shit I feal ya on a real burn,
If you gonna be true,
you sure gonna be seen through.
don't believe free?
what ever go deceive me,.
young at heart with that tid of stupity,
bein flung takin risks, Makin tunes tradin disks.
hear my bass nd my boom melted face is in the room,
Mmmm...!! Shiiiit ;)
i've never heard anne sexton speak
and i think i've fallen in love
a masculine power
a spiritual honey dew
seeping from the hole
a ripping and raping voice
who holds a magnetism so strong
that she stuck her head in an oven
it's like we can't hold back our emotions
and emotions so strong
the impulses so impulsive
it burns you down
a burning crucifix you are
When I sit in my room, lights off and our old hang out song on repeat
I think of the "what ifs"
What if I had held your hand instead of letting go
What if I would have said yes to your kiss instead of no
What if I had laid with you, just a bit longer
What if I would have told you, your love was stronger
What if he never came between us
What if it was me you were touching just to feel the rush
What if you were lying next to me, door closed, me in your arms
What if you were the one person to shield me from harm
What if I was listening to your heart, my ear to you chest
What if, for him, we didn't have to hide our old memories that were the best
What if it was just us with no one in the world to pull us apart
What if I had actually given you my heart
What if I would have never fallen for him over you
What if you had been the one I'd given in to
What if we kept our song on that night
What if you are my Mr. Right
But the song ends and I realize: all I'll ever have is the "what ifs" because of him
Then I think, what if 'Moments' never had to end again