We'd been walking for an age,
Stone by passing stone
We passed ever onward,
Towards our end
Here will do, came the call,
It brimmed with confidence
But it came from, God knows who.
The shadows shift to greet the day,
The shovels drift through seas of waste.
We've struggled here, me and you.
Now fight the earth, and raise this tomb.
But who is speaking?
Where from do they call?
Why was I beckoned here?
Am I really here at all?
Its all so facile!
A predictable jaunt!
It was all called from day one,
Now there's just the motions to evoke.
The dirt brushed steel finds the reaches of the deep
You'd seek to sleep, had you earned your rest
Yet among cartoon images and plastic sets
I think you'll find, you were at your best
To the dark, to the dark,
You stride with brimming smile into the the reach
As if to deprive, yet no one would ever seek
Why scrawl in a corner, what do you hope to yield?
Listen now boy, the dirt is all there is
Bow your head and conceal your task
We'll hit rock bottom and you'll sleep at last.
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn't have to play with or be around me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing most my classes at school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
All my family made fun and they called me names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say whatever they pleased
They all knew my mother would not try to defend
Because she and my grandmother started the trend
Once I told my mother that I was happy about something
She said happiness was by me not deserved but a thumping
Mother was always mad at me since I never wanted any piano, ballet, or baton lessons
I had my own mind, and impressing other people in life was not one of my obsessions
Could never make my mother happy, she was always very angry
I use to hit myself, scratch my face because she drove me crazy
When I was ten got mother a gift at the five & dime for her one birthday
She tossed the gift in the garage, called it junk, said was best to throw away
On Christmas day, when I unwrapped a gift if I didn't act surprised in a certain way
She'd throw a fit, get drunk and make me feel guilty about things the rest of the day
I was always afraid of my mother, never knew
what she next to me that she would try to do
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
Never knew of anyone I could be close to, for a hug or some kind words
Things were always bad I needed encouragement and for me to be heard
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
Through the sickness and cold
You remain strong and bold
Leaving all your friends behind
It’s too much pain combined
Remain strong my darling
Fight until your mind is swirling
Think about the happy moments
Combine happiness from many components
I come from a dead end, deadbeat town,
Filled to capacity with dead end, deadbeat souls,
They are the crushers of dreams, the killers of ambition,
because they think,
that no one
of this dead end, deadbeat town.
But not me,
I am running fast,
from this dead end, deadbeat town.
Are what life is made of. Not too much in between. Completely addicted.
Or utterly sober.
Joyously happy & content
Or gray skys sad
Too much energy to sit down
Not enough energy to think
Hot as balls
Or cold as the titanic.
When will we be able to find something in the middle?
They made me take a medication to put me in the middle. Don’t know if it works. Because sometimes I don’t have any emotions at all. I’d be content with staring at the wall.
Good Morning Jehovah
You are always on my mind
You are this Poets rhyme
Your love is always on time
Today is all Yours!
I am all heart and ears
Tell me what all you want me
To know I will take note
Jehovah I will take hold
Your love of one of a kind
A love of everlasting
You hung the glowing moon last night
To give my poor heart rest
You pulled down the shade of my blues
Then you pulled up the shade in streamed of light
Good Morning Jehovah
You make my heart sing a new song
I give You my best and that would be all of me
I close myself to Your Inner Voice of peace
Your love has always been true to me
If I tread alone and make a poor choice
You Jehovah open my mind and clean my ways another time
My eyes may not see what is in front of me at times
But you are their to help me along the way
Your love is like no other
When I think of you all my pains of life goes away
Good Morning Jehovah
You are that new song that plays in my heart
Why can't I fall
into my slumber
Next to my lover?
The days get long
but lately now
the nights get longer
Full of thoughts
But then I open up my eyes
And see my boo as he lies
With peace written all over his face
And I think of all of the love
that we share,
And how much he cares.
And I hear sleep arise
What a beautiful sound.
Oh no, this is not some silly love letter.
This is not a letter about proclaiming my
school girl feelings and fantasies.
Oh no, this is so much more than that, my dear.
You are one of the things that dare to make me happy.
But, not the kind of happy that you would think of.
When I think of you, the happiness you bring to me is a
kind of comfort. I feel so laid back, yet excited, yet really,
really in love.
I mean, you also bring me sadness.
When I'm around you I feel at home.
When I am not around you,
I know I'll see you soon.
The sadness you bring me is fleeting.
But, it is only because I know you will
never love me back.
Like I said, you are my Christmas morning.
But, you are also my New Year's Eve.
The fleeting moment, the fireworks, and good laughs.
I could keep going, but why should I?
You will never see these poems anyways.
I have written hundreds of poems about you,
and you will never know how I truly feel.
And if you do know, then I am so, so sorry.
It is not fair to you, nor me.
But I simply cannot help myself.
You are my everything.
Sitting in my house in the cold dead of winter
In front of my computer looking for an answer
I’m bored as bored as one could be
Now it’s almost a quarter till three
The heat keeps kicking on; it can’t keep up with the cold
Why must this winter weather of ice and snow be so bold?
I've had enough of for now even if it’s only once this season
Another big snow like this to follow soon, I see no good reason
I’m getting tired of warming up the car and scraping off windows
I’d rather sit by the fireplace drinking cocoa with marshmallows
It’s only December 10th and I can’t help now but to think
There must be something better to do than sit here and blink
The day is going too slow and so is this month
Can’t wait till both over so I won’t be in a funk
I shouldn't miss you but I do
It’s too late
I miss all the ways you used to pull me in
Windows down, music blaring
The best of us
I was your best friend
Those where the best days
I shouldn't miss you but I do
And it’s too late
As I sit here looking out
At the cold winters rain
I can’t get your voice and your laugh out of my head
My mind can’t think straight
Your green eyes seared into my brain
You skin and hands, I loved them
Because I loved you
You said id always be your best friend
Shows how naive I was to believe you
I shouldn't miss you but I am
I was a disaster abandoned
I wasn't sure I would live
It’s been three years now
I’m pretty sure I got over you
But why is it so hard to not remember
All of the things we did
Places we’d been
I wish I could wipe you out of my memory
Because that’s what you did with me
Any one could see
Only if they knew the difference
Of how you used to be
When I was with you.
I miss the way we’d laugh
Cry and carry on about how are parents are so bad
Drive around because we had nothing better to do
But that was fine because
We had fun no matter what we would do
So I hope you miss the smile on my face
They way id play with your hair when you where tired
On a rainy day
I hope you miss the things I would say
“I love you!”
And how we thought
Forever and Always
No one would have thought it would end at all
Because of how we used play
Like children, I was in love
But never knew it
Till it was too late