How I missed, how I missed the wonder in your eyes
The smiles at our hellos, and the pouts at our goodbyes
How we kissed, how we kissed only heaven could have devised
The passion with the moon, and the beauty of sunrise

How I wish, how I wish on stars to make this bloom
The stars over your bed, and windows of your room
How we squish, how we swish the smell of your perfume
The blankets with the pillows, and the smile to resume

How it is, how it is will be left for fate to tell
The anxious of a call, and the sound of the bell
How it tis, how it tis will beyond me compel
The things I do, and do them well.
So please don’t give me hell,
Just answer your cell.

No. 1:
You were very calm.
Like.
"I-just-did-a-shit-load-of-weed-yo" calm
And considering that's another one of the things I'm not supposed to do
We just didnt work out.
Plus
You thought my name was Mia.

No. 2:
HEAL WITH LOVE!
HEAL WITH MOTHERFUCKING LOVE!
Because I'm lonely and suicidal.
SUICIDAL.
LET'S YELL ABOUT IT!
WE JUST LIKE LOUD VOICES.
THAT'S RIGHT JUST GET THE FEELS OUT.

No. 3:
I don't even really remember you, so
I bet you sucked.

No. 4:
I've moved around a lot.
Left people behind.
I probably have abandonment issues.
Maybe I should work on that.

No. 5:
You
Made
Me
Cry.
Feel Proud?

1
Tommy’s little, sure, but he’s
getting to that age
when he understands a little more
picking up things as his parents
take him shopping;
and hearing and seeing things
at home, in the backyard
and in the streets

2
but today poor Tommy
is caught in class
he’s about to explode
and he’s controlled it the last hour

“Please, miss,” he has the balls
to say it after all
“I need go piss!”

“You’re not going,”
says the pedantic Miss,
“until you use in a complete sentence
the proper English word
for your urge:
URINATE”

Poor Tommy –
he’s got the balls, but does
he have the brains?

Tommy thinks hard for a while -
one hand on his head
one hand on his pants
and then he blurts out:
“YOU ARE AN EIGHT
and Mrs Smith next door
who sunbathes naked in her courtyard
LOOKS LIKE A TEN. Now, can I go?”

i just want some sort of sign from you
that you want me to still love you
in two years.

i will sit here and wait for you to come home to me,
i will.

i will wait two long fucking years.


if you wanted me to.


i swear i would;
if you could only swear that you would forgive me

for the hearts that i will have broken while you were away


and i would kiss you
                                             r
                                                    mind and your
                         heart

for being so understanding


it's funny
my hair has stopped falling out

and it feels thicker

                   i want to shave it all off in the bathroom

(with the same razor i used to drag across this wrist)
and put it in a wooden box, and send it to you.

it would just be yours to keep

(sometimes, when i am feeling insane
i take a box cutter at work
and cut my fingertips, just a little bit.
or i take the blood that naturally flows from between my legs
and smear it on the walls of the shower
and on my legs and arms

i lay down under the stream of water
in the same shower where you once made love to me
i let it cover me
and i cry
i cry out for you)




and then maybe months later, i would buy a plane ticket to see you


and it would make you so angry

(because you told me to leave you alone.
you told me to leave you alone
and then you kissed me
and you told me you loved me.
you just don't want to talk to me anymore.
i'm trying so hard to figure out where your words and your actions match up.)

you would of course just send me home
and the plane might  crash down
and in death i would be happy
that you might finally care about me



i wish i could explain to you,
how much i love you.

and how fucked up i am without you here.

and how strong i am without you.

but how weak i feel

and how i want to scream until you hear my voice, miles and miles away

and i cough up blood

and lose my voice

you hear it
and you get in your car,
and you drive into the sunset
and you see the city skyline

just a few minutes from my house

but don't even bother to call

you sit on the side of the road
staring at the cars driving by

concentrating on this decision
then, turn around and drive the two hours back home

didn't even bother to tell me you were here


and i can't even think about our home
the bed we slept in together

because in that little town
in that little room
you were the only thing that made any fucking sense,

and i am a mess now


and so is this p
o
e
m

Things follow me.
They stride across
Layers
And sit down
As if for tea.
Always in silence,
Always dark.
They buzz in my head
And tickle the edge of my mind.
I hate them.

we sell two albums on  itunes if you search loud with love


you should try
wake up with the sunrise
not to early, sleep in late
but when you wake up remember  a couple rules for your fate

step one, people before you have done alot
so youre gunna have to do alot if you wanna get where you want

you gotta believe in yourself, dont dwell, make your dreams come true,
dont let others hold you in a samn situation too long

be yourself, do what you do,
i stress the importance of being you even though its all that you can do

make money
build the support yourself
last thing you need is somebody elses help

be you
be someone someone can talk to
stay true
cuz lies you cant undo

when youre working hard, dont give up
dont be a fool giving your time to cigarette butts

stand tall
stand  proud
never scream
dont be too loud

listen to your elders
then smirk but not with your toungue
hold it all in
then laugh with someone

you should try because the finer things in life make life worth living
and you should try because times on your side and youre always winning
you should try to take what it is you want, and turn it into reality
you can do it if you really want, youre bound by gravity

aint got nothing but time, so keep your head up
aint got nothing but time so i hope you get what you want

and if you want  nothing, i hope you still try
for your friends and family
though we do all die
life isnt all sad
thats what this ones about
so i hope you try
and never drop out

"She is such an excellent student in English,
and I'd ask her teachers why her grades were low
and they'd say she wouldn't turn anything in.  And
it was true, she'd say this isn't ready yet, it's not perfect."
Perfectionism.  That's it.  I don't have it, God knows
but after 500 years of therapy I can look any psychological ailment
in the face...now she's dropped out of college and
he is not happy, my former boss,
"she says it's a 'gap' year" like the British Royal Family takes after
prep school, to be sent to rope cows in the British Empire,
Be an Australian cowboy and post to the trot like a proper Englishman
He's right, it's not a gap year.  
He speaks so quietly, he has judged me so harshly
pathologized me, behaved as if he is perfect and I am nothing
this is quite a large crack in the perfect facade
and I'm still here wondering
so I do what the courageous do and I google perfectionism and
before long I gather details of a childhood spent trying to have accomplishments
so your parents will notice you, a childhood where your feelings aren't important
an emotionally impovershed childhood lacking mirroring, positive mirroring because
the parents were to wrapped up in other things or they didn't really care and suddenly
I understand why this boss of mine would dig into my very soul
because he is so much like my parents
and yet, so afraid, because if I can google this,
then so can he, so why doesn't he when he's the one
with the degree in psychology, so why am I the one
trying to figure out his daughter's problems
and I know the answer
I want to solve mine
Is it the Jew in me?  That kind of willingness to look into that vast
horrid place of self hatred and take a flashlight even and look
at the bloody mess of a psyche and try to attend to the wounds
to heal, the be willing to walk in, squishy entrails cut off
and bloody under my feet, to try to sew them back together
to get the whole system working again.
I want to e-mail her the articles I read about her
I want to heal her, I want him to read this and know
that he is known and he was not such a good father
and she needs help
but no.  it is only me I hope to understand
as I realize I am in the cave, the immensity of my own psyche
trying to understand it, fix it, yet again

It seems like yesterday
I was young ,
an innocent sweet bride
embarked on my new life with my mate
but time has a way of moving quickly
and catching you unaware of the passing years
I wonder where all the years went
Now I only have
glimpses of how it was back then
and of all my hopes and dreams.
Here it is ... on summers day
It catches me by surprise
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go
and where did my youth go?
Met an old friend of mine...
looking tired, all old and grey
she brought the news of our retiring friends
some are dying on hospital beds
some are walking slowly in old folks home
some have gone senile and forgotten their way homes
I hugged my old best friend
told her to rest as much as she could
I am thinking now of how lucky I am
To complain of a few creaking bones of mine
I should feel ashamed!
Most people enter into this new season
of their life unprepared for all the aches and pains
and the loss of strength and ability
to go and do things that they wish they had done but never did!!
  I'm not sure how long I will last...
But through another winter.. spring and summer
I wish I could still live to breathe
I am not yet ready for the day
when my life is over on this earth...
yet to begin a new adventure of life...
in the hereafter.....

You want it both ways
i say not going to happen
you say things that long ago were tru
i said how they should be
you said that you doubted
i won't be trampled anymore
you once asked empty questions
i gave empty answers

once upon a time we both meant those three little words
after a while you doubted
faith is now gone
trust shattered

you claimed you want me hurting
you claimed you want me going insane
you now can't hurt me anymore
no longer will i let you bring me any harm again

you started my darkness
to another i must go to for light
if your angry by my words
remember that you gave up your right
no longer can my heart be affected
pain now is faded
no longer will i reflect the times we shared

you once called me childish and said grow up
well its my life to live
you claimed us equals
truth was we NEVER were

once maybe we were
but not for a few years in the least

but if what you claim is true
then i wonder if you were using me
once that would have been impossible
now not so sure
there wasnt anything we couldnt solve once
guess that aint the case now

i am not sure if we can be anything anymore
guess you no longer want my company
so without further ado
the final piece writ
good bye and good rit