Whatever I accomplish?
Whatever I succeed at?
They were the one pushing me.
Whatever trail I blaze?
Whatever love I show.
They were the one.
To some it might have been one.
To some it might have been two.
The only thing I'm aware of is the things they left within my soul.
To be, whatever I determine to be?
For , whatever my parents guide me toward?
They had parents that guided them before.
They were the one.
The one I looked up too.
The one I love unselfishly.
The one that stays within my memories.
The one that would have died to protect me.
They were the one.
When asked about the manners or values I have.
I proudly states, they were the one.
Tacos and debauchery go hand in hand in So Cal.
At some point, early in the morning, you cross into that mythical realm of the Bloody Mary double down: it will take care of you if you can take care of it; but if you don't take care of it, it will take care of you
Goal for the day: Be Awesome
My response: Be Awesome Bloody Mary's FTW!
Before we start yelling and things start flying off the walls.
I need you to hear this, I need you to listen.
I've changed, Im not the same person I was the day we met and neither are you.
Change is bound to happen, Change is good, Change means we're growing up.
Whether we grow up to be complete idiots or total geniuses, I don't have the answers. But it wont matter because we'll never change to the point where we wont stay friends, partners, or whatever this is.You can change all you want, you can change your hair, the way you dress, how you take your coffee, you can change how you picture your future but I'll always be in it for the long hall. When you look back at the times you've had, I'll always be right by your side.
Before we start yelling, arguing about all these little things, I need you to listen.
I just hope you understand.
So last night
I whispered all of your dreams unprompted
I saw your jaw drop but I tried to conspicuously not pay attention;
I just liberated you from from a bar of twenty men all drooling
I fend them off and kept two of you entertained with only one of me
and the dreams of my dreamy elusive brother coworker or friend
I paid a lot of attention to the needs and dreams of your cute companion
But if I'm honest
even though I was making sure she was safe
cause that's what i do
I was looking at you and dreaming
I was staring straight into your eyes
looking straight into your soul
I don't have much of almost anything
but I can look deep down and see true
most people really don't believe it
and i don't blame them, why would you?
But there was a moment there
In the garage while we were talking
when you were looking at me
like you loved me
more than anything
that had ever come or gone
and it was the briefest of moments
but i fucking swear i saw it
and it made me love you
with you dirty blond hair
and all of your compassionate let's just take care of my friend care
I mean, yes
Like i heard you
you have a boyfriend
you say it like it's means something
to someone like me
....who's only ever always confronted with adversity
I have a back burner
and all of your friends
and it's not like
im saying anything
a little bit
and surprisingly so
a lack of interest
in anything intelligent or courageous
it's like the human race took 5
and was all over it
can't ever really quite describe
what I'm looking for
what lights up the fire
what stokes the soul
behind my eyes
cause i'm a believer
and i believe most true
and i think im feeling something
maybe i love you
...I remember who talked to me all night about everything
about significant things great and small
tiny odd reccolecctions
everything her things my things your things all things fuck pretty much everything
That I answered or said without saying as things that are true
I might have lied
Because you started talking like my dreams...
I covered every base what the fuck do you want me to do?
You were so fucking cool
I think I met your friend
Only to meet you
or your boyfriend...
fuck i seriously hope that one ain't true but like I'm a buhhdist now and can't say
It's like you have never met a man who see's the future
A gingerbread man baked and burned in the oven for fun
Who got tortured for years into a smile that we all love
It's like we all take things so seriously instead of laughing and drinking
and hearing the endearing lunacy of our friends
fuck if we just took a minute to wait and pretend to understand all of that darkness we let lurk in
it would be like a circus show of light delivering all of us from the three ring thing of everything
that is bad
our own macabre circus of rejection, judgement, and humiliation for all of our kind. So when you are done with your boyfriend, fiance, husband, i know not yet; talk to me first before every voyage and adventure set in opposition just for the fuck of it.
but what you can't count on
is that i'm so much older and I've been around
I don't think you might know what it is like
to double down
over years and years
it's like you get a discount
on the odds
for multiples of five years
cause who really lasts that long?
but who knows
cause life is like a lotto taro hurricane
no sense to distribute the sad recompense
let's just fucking spend it before we pay
on all the debts we just made
and all of the futures that greyed out just fadet(ed)
that's the point of grey vistas
all the deals and the souls we just promised in casual relation to make it
We try to pretend
we're all samurai
noble sacrafice to budo
it's cool that i alone must die
but i think we all smell some bullshit
in the way and the feel of this philosophy
that tells us to fight it instead of accept it
so let's beware those wayward philosophies
that perhaps might be misguided
telling us that nothing matters
as opposed to those that tell us
to simply love
all of those that surround us
And I saw her put her name into facebook on my phone
but when it was all said and done and i unlocked it all
it was gone
If i hadn't been dealing with this for almost twenty years; i think i'd cry like a little girl.
Also, I hold RRR entirely responsible for encouraging unedited writing. Be careful what you wish for ;-)
Some Monsters are
Truly monstrous things
skin stretched cellophane wings
The smooth curve of
claw hiding violence
huddled in doorways
When at last the time
frail framed, unsuspecting
in the light
wandering, broken injured
thing like a child,
seduced by silence
never saw a
smooth curve unbent.
The grass bows in respect as he passes,
A fool so very unruly,
Spits vengeful passion,
Sets the bowing grass on fire,
Destroying nature with his smile,
Eyelashes flutter in mortified shame,
Curling of their own accord,
In harmony of discord!
Disputed by speech in truth!
Love songs live ,
Chastised for lack of care,
Darkened magic mind,
Riling by inspiring,
Eternal gossamer magic,
This fool's a clever fool!
He is such unruly fool,
Will never admit it,
Will stand in attendance,
To whims and things,
Main retorts in nonchalance!
Founded in chalice,
He's no village idiot!
© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)
Sometimes a butterfly flaps its wings
and elsewhere someone gets wobbly knees,
because he is just about falling in love with anything.
He’s on the verge of tears and on the brink of bliss.
Now this could be a monk dreaming about transformation.
If so, I guess, he ate too many sticky sweets last night.
But the story goes further: At the very same moment
the butterfly leaves the flower and surrenders to the wind –
flabbergasted, the universe holds its breath:
Are its wings strong enough for the invisible force?
There, the monk wakes up with wobbly knees.
How courageous, one must admit.
And all of a sudden the monk has butterflies in his stomach.
Things get mixed up here, he thinks, and he tries
to fall asleep again – but (un)fortunately he can‘t.
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.
Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.
Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.
But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?
In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.
Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.
So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?
I got caught in a daze, within my daze.
Lost in my thoughts, minding my own, I was bombarded.
The sight of you in my zoned out vision line.
The pressed gray shirt you were wearing was untucked.
Your shoe had come untied.
You cleared your throat obnoxiously, on purpose.
And I think a piece of your hair was sticking straight up in the back.
But all I could focus on was the chain hanging down your chest.
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.