I always pictured this one girl
I drew her out to have this gentle twirl
She would have long brown hair
Running down her back, so fair
She would have pale white skin
One hundred and one hair pins
She would wear the prettiest yellow dress
And she would be perfect for me
But she would tease you with what you could only see
She whispered funny things in your ear
You’re the only one who could hear
While we spend these times in your car
Everything parked and night afar
She would have these lovely curls
Wearing these hidden white pearls
She was what I could only imagine
The thought of her was my one true passion
We would run around with these engaged hands
And land at the beach into these old sands
You said to me, “Stop thinking of me, silly”
I never known what she meant
Until it came to me sent
She kneeled next to me
Gave me this long lasting sad smile with her perfect green eyes
Giving me these last sighs
“You’ll be happy one day, just wait a little longer”
I never had to make such a long ponder
My yellow dress girl vanished from me
Leaving me all alone with this open sea
Those last words took a great toll
Feeling like I was falling down this hole
All my love is genuine
Just love for me is in this pen
I write all these love poems
Hundreds of words for you my dear
I never meant to be so unclear
It’s true I lost you when I needed you the most
Creating these thoughts to stay as my mind host
Distracting these retired emotions
Setting these feelings with inventive motions
Erasing that flower dancing yellow dress
I will not be your tossed away mess
I've always cared for you my sweetheart
I’m just sorry that I broke your gentle heart
This is for a girl.
I think of you often.
When I'm driving
or right before bed.
I think of the way things ended..
how we seemed perfect only weeks before,
and then in a flash,
you were taken from me.
I don't think I've ever cried so much
as I did that night.
I couldn't even go to school the next day.
The truth is,
I miss you.
I miss how you were the one
who was always there for me.
You never left,
even when I came crying to you,
even when I ignored you.
I miss the way you push me,
as messed up as that seems.
How we'd spend hours together,
and by the end,
I'd be hunched over;
exhausted and sweating.
How you'd bruise me and make me bleed.
But I craved to touch you,
and feel you in my hands.
I'll never forget every lesson you taught me,
good and bad.
And even though I see you sometimes,
on a Saturday night..
I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy
when you're with other girls.
You have influenced my life
and will always be part of it.
You will be part of my future.
But eventually..
I will lose you again.
And I don't know if I can take that.
Just know that I'll always love you.
If you're going to kiss me,
Do it with ease.
Light place your lips upon
Me as you please.
If you're going to wrap me up
In your arms and hold my frame,
Envelope me whole,
Using your comforting hold to stake claim.
If you're going to wipe away my tears
With your index fingers and palms,
Flick them away and whisper to me
Sweet nothings, in efforts to keep me calm.
If you're going to sleep by my side,
Trace circles along my spine
Until I fall asleep in peace,
Feeling safe and sublime.
If you're going to say you love me,
Even when I'm a mess,
Mean it with every breath you use
To prove you love me best.
If you're going to laugh at me
When I dance barefoot in the streets,
By all means, just join me please;
Dance to the sounds of my heart beats.
If you're going to make me fall so hard
Because you do all of the things I require,
Be sure to stay for awhile
Because you lit my heart up into a passionate fire.
Rather it's not a matter of if,
But a question of what you fail to do;
You endure all and remain my rock-
I would not survive if not for you.
My mind is high up somewhere today.
In these clouds maybe, too far for me to reach.
It leaves me dizzy, desirous...
I feel so sleepy.
I crave sleep,
for a deep, still pool of rest,
in the arms of love.
To feel protected and safe.
I want to be guarded like a vast treasure.
Where is my knight, the one where I see my reflection in
his armor, where I see burning eyes and burning hands that
love throughout the night...
Where's someone to always be there?
And I know.
Believe me, I know.
I should look inside myself for these things,
create my own light for this
dark place inside of me.
But I don't want to become The Hermit,
and carry this flickering lantern in the dubious storm of myself,
where there's snow and sleet and
bone shattering winds, forever to wander alone.
I want to find my puzzle piece, my chemical solution.
There must be a cure to this plague of loneliness.
Someone to be the balm that eases the pain
and whispers...
"No more, no more.
You are safe here, with me."
(c) May 21, 2013
Flick.
The flame quivers and burns.
The skin sizzles.
I am left with a mark.
beautiful.
it fades
and drifts.
Like everything else.
leaving me with one message,
"Just passing through."
I wish it would stay
so the world will not be fooled
by the mask I sometimes wear.
As I look over at my sister,
and I remember what I can of the things done to us,
I wish she would just accept it.
We will live and die young,
we were made to suffer.
We are the fire that burns down your childhood home.
We are the car that kills your dog.
Vomit, bile, and rust.
We are the trash in the dumpster.
Walking natural disasters.
At least I'm honest about it.
The bestial part of me
It makes sleep impossible
It craves the basic things
Feeding it is impractical
I caged all my demons
The only tomb was my body
They gnaw at their bars
Now I have heart burn
This long battle of ethics
It hasn't made me happier
I know I have honor
I fear it is worthless
I gutted my romantic
His entrails became beautiful
My logic has new wallpaper
I miss being infatuated
I cleaned up my appearance
I covered it in fallacy
That make-up is acidic
My honesty is melting
When I lay down to rest
My beast screams for freedom
I hates its captivity
It must remained chained
he was the only one who
could see through the black
of her eyes and find
the things she had meant to say
You once used to be,
A very close friend to me.
I trusted you,
Never to realise till now that I shouldn't have.
You violated my trust,
You broke my heart.
And things between us will never be the same again.
Now I'm living life in a lonely corner,
I sometimes sit and ponder,
Where have you gone to?
I see you brush past me,
Smiling and laughing along with those bitches,
Already long lost, gone with the wind.
Alice whispers to me
The name of my hard-drive
With headphones in
And no sound playing
The little beeps
and fuzzy rasp
Reminds me of
Dear conversations
In a hushed murmur
About silly things
I'm working I tell my mom
staying up late at night as she thinks I'm doing homework
while I actually waste time on youtube and 9gag.com
search cultures, and histories, and groups
wanting to belong
and be a part of
a community, a group, find myself
and then I feel so selfish sitting in my room starting to pity those who don't have food
when the pity turns on my for having no sense of culture nor community
I go to school everyday wanting to learn about everything that I don't hear
about space and stars, histories, wars, and of people who belonged with friends in proximity
I can't work, I try to but I can't
I search up how to look more pretty and attract my crush
and then how we shouldn't care about looks from someone who loves to rant
I listen to punk rock, ska punk, celtic punk, and rock because I can't work
I play my trombone because I can't work but I can do music homework
I read books about history and stars because I can't work but I can learn
You can't go anywhere without good grades they say
so if only i was marked on things I wanted to learn
things I wanted to present for things I wanted to earn
I'm only 15 and don't know where this is going
and now I'm resisting the temptation to erase this whole non-poem that I'm to and froing
with info about my life that only I care about
while I procrastinate like most kids do my age
when I hear my mom shout
telling me to not stay up too late and that she's proud of me working
when I'm actually wasting my time and her dreams
so I'll get back to my can't working
ending this not-a-poem with something it's not doing- flowing
