The twilight speaks of greater
Greatness, for your spirit soars
Across the horizons of life and
The living--- leaving an era of
Idealized legacy of redeemed
Human equality and possibility.
The indomitable soul you once
Wore under your colored skin
Fuels our aspirations for better
World of kaleidoscope of faces,
Races, and happiness. Nelson,
Now that you have entered
The narrow door of immortality,
Let our tears be a vindication to
Your ideals of freedom and
Democracy. Rest in His peace
Our dear old man. For the world
You toiled to change is now our burden
Just as how we are burdened by
Your humility and humanity.
University of the Philippines--Diliman
Quezon City, Philippines
December 7, 2013
Heaving with frost
Covered in white fire
Though you were leaving
Stained with frozen tears
Riding the waves
With the freezing echoed
The first falls
Soft and sharp
Brighter than ever
Leaving yours as followed
Burning breathes swallowed
We breathe transparent
Flames of sorrow
Echoed through us
From what the cold days borrow
what is it
that drives you
what do you seek
what urges you
what encourages you
what makes you twist and gag
what agonizes you
tortures you and
what builds you
what strengthens you
what pushes you to
reach higher, farther
what is it
that makes you cry
what tears into you
what speaks to you
what reminds you
what colour are you
what time of day
do you shine your
what is your melody
what breaks you
what puts you to sleep
what feeds you
what shakes you
what shade are you
what is that
three words and eight letters fell in between the cracks
of your fingers like sand, not even realizing you were holding
my heart somewhere in there as it conjoined with the earth
my stem grew sixteen feet in all directions and grew sixteen feet
tall, with branches that holds photographs of memories i've
forgotten about already, like waters that don't cease with
waves that drag you under like hands at your ankles
but people don't drag you down, our past drags us down
your bedroom walls accompany you, helping you not sleep alone tonight
the darkness isn't full of nightmares but it's not so clean either
it ensnares you, cripples you, tears you bone by bone into the enemy
you were careful to avoid being what you said you would never be
but not careful enough, we thought we couldn't sink in dangerous waters
the past dragged you down the depths and shallows of it's cold grotto
i wish i had a sixth sense perception, become a wallflower, a housefly, eyes watching
from the very corners of their eyes, visible enough to remind you, i exist
i am very real and i am very destructive and i am restricted from sight
and i am so unhappy with myself.
Stars are invading my vision and everything is blank. All I see is blinding darkness for the next few hours. When I finally wake, I see myself hanging from my rope attached to my ceiling. I gasp in horror. My throat closes up and my eyes betray me when they allow warm tears to form puddles on my sunken-in cheeks as I watch myself sway in horror. I quickly compose myself and the silence I hear is piercing. I wait. I wait. I wait. In the next two hours, I hear someone enter my house. I freeze. I hear keys jingling and the removal of coats. Next I hear voices. Two separate voices. Two familiar voices. My muscles ease up when I realize the foreign people are simply my parents. I hear stairs creaking. (I always hated those stairs. they reverberated booming creaks while I was trying to quickly maneuver my way up them after a deceitful night of sneaking out to see someone who was my very first heartbreak - but that's a different story.) I hear laughter. I hear happiness. I hear desperate calls for my name. I hear silence. I hear frantic knocking on my door. "Open this door right now young lady! We do not have time for your disobedience at the moment!" The door swings open. Sobs. Screams. My mother falls to the floor. I hear my mother calling out for my father, begging him to somehow comfort her.
My father files in. His mouth opens. Tears escape his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them. Through his cloudy vision, he spots my note of finals words. He reads the first few sentences. "It was my time to go, I felt it in my bones. This was for the best, for I was only making a mess. I was making a mess of my life. I ruined myself. I had to leave. I am very sorry." He only gets that far until he drops the note and frantically dials 911. "Operator! Operator! I just found my daughter, she, she hung herself!"
"Please be patient sir, we'll have someone there right away." And with that he hangs up. He looks at my fragile mother. Then to me. He eyes me up and down before shouting to no one in particular, "Why?" He loses it and breaks down even more. My mother is still sobbing. Her shoulders are shaking. I ache for her. When I was alive I had not known I could have such an effect on people. I'd always considered myself dead, on the inside that is. Now I really was dead. And there's no going back. As much as I wish I could take it back, I cannot. And for that I apologize. I snap out of my thoughts and bring my vision back to my parents. The ambulance is here. They cover me in a white sheet and take me away. My mother tries to go into the ambulance but the paramedics stop her. They drive off. My mother falls onto the street. My father beside her. They are both apologizing. They are apologizing to me. Saying how they should've been there for me. Saying they should have noticed something and helped me. They are apologizing to each other. A day later, my best friend finds out. She sprints into her room and slams her door. Carefully, she selects a razor from her wooden cabinet in the bathroom and drags it across her wrist. "I'm sorry, I should've known. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she whispers. And with that, she's gone. I have caused all of this. I caused turmoil and pain, I am the reason for my best friend to take her life. I had not known people actually cared about me. I soon realize the severity of my poor judgement. And at that very moment, what was left of my ghostly my soul withered away. I decayed into stardust and floated into space. I am gone.
A glimm'ring rainbow greets a saint
flown that frigid morn.
Heaven's gained another darling
but Earth's adoring hearts are torn.
Upon the solemn school descends a bitter pall;
sadness skulks about the classrooms
and drifts about each hall.
Carpets, desks, paper, tests
are marked by tears that freely fall.
Please, everyone, drive carefully.
P.S. There was a massive double rainbow this morning-- literally a halo around the sunrise. Alyssa for sure-- Heaven was excited to meet her.
Days turn to weeks,
and months into years;
Our calendar filled,
With days that bring tears.
No longer with cheer,
There’s a birthday we keep;
A life sewn in hardship,
Is now reaping grief.
His anniversary of leaving,
A dark smear on that day;
Its nothing to celebrate,
But it won't wash away.
Those days that we’re honored,
As his mother and father;
Special cards that he made us,
We receive them no longer.
A day for memorials,
Then picnics and parades,
The summer he loved,
A special hike on Labor Day.
The season to give thanks,
Forces us to remember,
All the years that we did have,
All those happy Novembers.
Finally Christmas comes round,
Full of time spent together;
All our family traditions,
Where he's missed more than ever.
Each day a reminder,
Every memory so dear,
Yet silence speaks loudly,
When laughter disappears.
Then it's time to repeat,
Time to turn a new page,
Time for new resolutions,
Time to hope for some change.
Maybe this is the year,
That the calendar’s our friend,
When peace is returned,
And we look forward again.
this was written in late December 2012, just a year ago as part of my struggle to come to terms with life’s curves. i post this tonight, not so much for me, though my struggle is hardly over... this is more for a dear soul; an HP friend who like me, is still struggling with loss. some days are just harder than others; then there are whole seasons that will never again be the same. tonight, i raise a glass of Merlot for her, not in toast, but in wishing her comfort, peace and rest!
I’ve filled all of the balloons
with cigarette smoke instead of helium,
just like you asked,
and when the children come crawling,
peeling themselves from pavement,
we’ll take needle-points to latex
reshape their tracheas into factories
Soon our home will brim with smoke rings,
I'll place a finger to them
only to ruin the perfection produced by small lips
Thumbs are to erasers as tears are to pencils
I swear to you I try to keep within the stencil
but saltwater weeping, shallow breath, and tobacco smoke
don’t seem to stay within the lines as well as I’d hoped
If I had another way I’d draw terrible pictures,
stick them to the fridge and insist “mom, take it with ya”
I’ve been ripping out dictionary pages and
nailing them to various foreheads,
yowling, “we need knowledge, we need verbal expression!”
Though, I don’t believe I’ve made much progression
because a woman turned to me today with a
business suit on her back and a chewed up heart at her feet
She fastened a note to the top of her skull that read:
“ignorance is bliss” then she waited for a car to bind her to the street
Ninety-five days ago
I met you,
lots of tears,
so many fears.
it's been been tough,
for your momma,
Rainy in Georgia today,
got to touch,
the rain with you,
you are only two.
I have grown to love you.
I want you to remember always
that I love you.
This family I write about lost everything, including life.
We have been treating the little guy in the pic since he was 18 months old.
After the game,
As we walked into the locker room,
I saw the tears running down your face
And I wanted nothing more than to wipe them away
However, I knew that if I did
I'd cup your face and want to kiss you
So I did
And continued walking as my heart ripped
I should be used to that by now