I still see you
caverns of my mind
still flood with ideas of you
and snippets of conversation
we never finished

It's our shoes walking together
on a sidewalk in some nameless city
It's a single sushi meal we shared
It's how your profile looked in my car
during sunset hour
when we were driving back on the 101
it's an
incoherent
transparent
snake of memories
that don't make sense to me
any more

It slithers and shits
rolls of my life's film
into my brain's projector
and they play incessantly
every night
before I sleep

How sad

I brush it off
and resume tossing side to side
I'll cry
but only a few tears ever come out
I'm a volcano that will never erupt
I'm
dried up
out of steam
No ones
scared or concerned about me
any longer

Let me sink underneath the Earth
Into the ocean's depths
Where I can be forgotten about for good

A volcano without any lava left, huh?
How stupid

Then I met a few others like you
A coffee shared
The memory of how your eyes looked when you came
even the sound of you
peeing the next morning rings in my ears
and it plays
like a broken record
a sad mix tape some lonely pervert made in their mother's basement
while they sit in their self-made
prisons
sulking over
the  blonde, blue-eyed girls who shunned them
with their bug eyes
popping out of their fleshy shells
piercing their dream maidens
and
"Jesus Christ you're disgusting, ew, ew like bed bugs all over my body, go to Hell you worthless creep"
and they dream and fantasize over the happiness that they perpetually plant
and try to grow
and it's never a flower
it's only weeds on the side of a garden shed
No one's even bothers to pull

How sad

It's there like clockwork
Like when my heart races in the shower
The hot water makes my body tired
I think
"this is when I'll give up"
My body becomes seduced into a hypnotic trance
I can't seem to fight the
Warm blanket of water
that covers me

It'll end on this note.
I'll die.
Face down and
butt naked
Legs
hanging outside of the bathtub wall
In that last moment of life,
I'll probably be thinking of
when we made love here
Or how you
missed the green light when we
were driving back from getting donuts
because you were too buys gazing at me instead of the road

We looked at all the stars and you knew what they all meant
You kissed me
and told me
what each of their purposes were
You told me
which star to look at if I ever
found myself lost
We soon crawl into your bed
and I try to find the star to help me get out of your covers
Toes crossed together
Faces pressed into one another's

My heart begins to race
Like clockwork
Fingers digging into each others backs
Hypnotic warmth
Oh God
I whisper
I'm lulled
I've become your bodies hostage
I try to resist
One of my eyeballs manages to peak outside of your window
The star to help me find my way out is gone

The plot of this moment fades away as quickly as it was written
Soon,
all I can remember is your back
in the dark
moving
up and down
Your
savage grunting
becomes the soundtrack of the snake's nightly dropping

I look for that star every night
The silver of silver light trickling down your spine
up and down
the bed creaks
My hear aches
Beads of sweat
Erupt from your skin
Under the moon's picturesque glimmer
When the snake finally leaves,
I look outside of my window
Searching

I never find that guiding star

How stupid

Like clockwork,

How sad

You know that feeling
That terrible feeling
Unable of healing
When something happens
Every once and a while
That changes everything
And you can no longer smile
Nothing can be the same
And there's no one to blame
All you had
Is now gone
It went all wrong
Tears pour
As your remember, the past
And all those good times
At their last

Hollowed memories,
Shedding blood and shedding dreams,
Your lips so cold like ice,
From deep within my mind,
Your coldest whisper,

Free me love, wake me up again,
I am barely breathing,
Its of no consequence,

Timeless measure,
Beat through my heart and test me,
Waste me, break the sweat thats overcome,
Show me how to love,

Free me love, wake me up again,
I am barely breathing,
It's of no consequence,

Free me love, stop these dreams again,
I can barely sleep,
Its of no consequence,

Leave me be, or I will cry again,
You can't hurt me,
You're of no consequence,
At all...

Listen dear, your sweetest gift,
That cried behind the silence,
Locked beneath my broken heart,
Has all but been defiled,
Still I stroke it's softest flames,
And fuel its passion with my tears,
Clinging to the hope I held for all these years,

Free me love, wake me up again,
I am barely living,
But it's of no consequence,
At all...

With each mistaken love song I wrote,
I was aching for a snap,
craving for a broken string,
pushing and pushing for a  
quick
sharp
ending.
It seemed a lot deceivable than waiting
for the evitable to happen,
because you were gone,
like the sweet echoes of my chords.
You had dissolved into the score
of another piece.
You were no longer the lyrics
on the tip of my pencil.
You were merely the tears
that stained
these ruined sheets.

My last words should I die tomorrow how I wish.

I'm just tired of feeling so hurt and lonely. The pain is far too much to handle. Depression is something I've struggle with for many years now. My many reasons to live were my family, my friends, but most of all my love. Even with those amazing people in my life the depression always hid underneath. Coming out to Barre its ugly teeth when I was intoxicated or vulnerable. I hurt the women I love most in this world. I can't stand to live with that. I'm tired of the many tears. I'm tired of the heart ache. I'm tired of ruining the good things in my life. Please remember me for the goodness in me and not my evil deeds. Rest assured I'm at peace now. I was rarely at peace alive. I hope everyone's dreams of an afterlife were true. I'd love to see those pearly gates or if what I did sends me to hell so be it. Maybe we are apart of gelatinous cube, one of my favorite ideas. If it wasn't I wouldn't have married it. I will never be entirely sure why you left me Alyssa but I love you and I want you to move on with your life. I was a destructive character in yours and everyone else's life. As you know, you're far better off without me. I made some big changes trying to clean up my act but instead it all just came crashing down. I'm glad I died still married to you and that cause that is how I would choose to go. Having had a loving wife who cared for me deeply. I'm wrapped in your favorite blanket, my head resting on a pillow that still smells like you. In one of my favorite places. Its a frequent of ours when we were stupid kids and we'd sneak out together. Little did I know she was my future wife. I just knew that I adored you. I'm holding the book of poetry you wrote me. I'd like to be barried with it unless Alyssa wants it. She can have anything she wants. You always were a sucker for a poet and I hate that you fell for cheap words when I would of bled right infront of you. You'll find a man with far less flaws and he'll sweep you off your feet. He'll treat you well and wont taint the memories like I did. When you broke up with me the first time. I cried harder then I had ever cried over a girl. You've found another poet in your life. This time when he dies or breaks your heart I wont be there to take you back. You were always my dream girl. My sweet love. My love was my name for you because you embodied every wish I ever sent to the universe. I just had some issues that we couldn't fix. So just hate me and move on. I know this will only push you further into the arms of another man. You were already there when you left though. I also want everyone to know that I want Alyssa to have all my belongings. She knows me better then anyone and she can burn it if she wants. I want her to have my life insurance money also. Please buy yourself something nice. I'm in the same place, in the same car looking over the beautiful lake remembering my perfect moments. When I still made you happy. I remember getting you to fall for me. I will never forget that unique connection we shared. We had so much in common. Our playful nature. The books we loved. The music we adored. How I fell inlove with your brothers. How I had to convince you Jacob was the greatest guy in the world and pushing you to make amends with Gille. I always tried to push you to better yourself and situations. I was off mark sometimes but Gille's your best friend now. You've come to realize how Jacob is an endless friend, a companion til the end. You were blind to so many gifts you were givin from birth. If there was any gift I could have givin you. It was to make you realize what you have. So go find someone better then me, don't ever settle for less then perfect or I'll haunt your sex life. They built a statue of us and put it on a mountain top. I want you to know I was endlessly lusting over you. When you thought the passion died. It was because I forgot what to do. I just needed a little guidance.

Yesterday brought me Tomorrow;
Tomorrow lacking Nothing-
Nothing and everything...

Stick around
Shucks shucks
Long necks like water pipes
You spout words I like
Words I like

The bench we sit on can’t hold our excitement
Our legs like jackhammers
Thrust wildly
And there’s no switch to turn them on or off
Our word centipede crawls into our butterfly bellies our
Awkwardly loud laughter
Fuels our one way-two-way train wreck
You’re funny
I like it
I like it

I’m twisting my wire pipe fingers into
Infinite loops
I won’t stop
Because there’s no clocks in our world
They only tick away for legs
Straight and solid like enslaved cement blocks that sway
Only when forced by the machines they’re trapped between
The machines that
Won’t let them stop moving
And we’re breathing
Breath as fluid and exact as the clocks that don’t exist
Between our bodies so fitting

I think gosh gee
I think
If I could
I’d tell you it’s okay to sit closer
And the sun wouldn’t be the only burning
Gem in this world
Ill float upstairs with you
And the overhead light of your staircase wouldn’t be the only bulb burning bright and bold
The mattress a pseudo pool
Of fierce waters
And shallow rivets
Hearts inside clamshells
That peak out
Hesitantly
From salty sweat erupting from jackhammer limbs
Invigorating
Tell me you mean it
My taste buds sting with your coat
Of dangerous bumpy roads
And car sick groans and moans
My head hits the window and then your shoulder blade
And lastly the front seat
Drive me away
No
Drive me home
Drive me straight into this pit of broken glass and wrecked car doors
Bloody specks against cracked windows
The cracked sunroof fills with debris
Blundering amongst a whirl of unexpected destruction
and the eyes remain glossy and indifferent
Where star dust and bellowing wolves
Sink silently
Glare slovenly with laser beam vision
Sneering
Sniffing for a heartbeat lightening bolt
Shiny pearly whites
Against
Rusty stained gums
Hurdling into each other with irrevocable force
Beneath the corset of Athena’s bloated body
Where babies curl underneath to go die
They bleed bloody blotches unto bruised blisters, bleak and bolted tight
By warrior instincts now
Infantile, fetal
Caused by the men who tore off more then they could chew
Chosen like a useless card in a mismatched deck
No second thoughts I said
Why me
I said why me
Floating into your room
I’m a piece of furniture
A lamp a chair your headboard beating fiercely against your brittle wall
You look at me with double vision while my eyelashes remain speckled with the tears of
Spotty speeches and surly surfing
Amongst warm waves of love god would be jealous of
I’ll say it again
Tell me you mean it

like a scarlet rose
flames for ever lost
heart of ice
dancing moonlight
lies to a gypsy's heart

bloody darkness
eternally cold
deadly rage

curse burning young
bloody black stream
fiery hell

loneliness enthralled
alluring danger
tears present like a gentle power
deep crimson eyes

After looking back on the last few years with depth and hind sight. I've realized that I never really took a look at myself and what I was doing to the people around me. The selfish glut is over and the stark reality of the bed I've made is terrifying. I'm slashed deep and wide and my emotions are flowing out and my most guarded feelings are being shared with complete strangers. I've begin to cry infront of far too many people. I met a man today who's wife just left him also and in one look we shared the shame of what we've done to those we adored the most. We fought back tears in control of our composer tripping slightly at the raw we couldn't hide. The insight I refused to use could of saved me the love of my life. Instead I hid in our time of need the emotions I felt because I lost a child and couldn't deal with the consequences that my actions brought me. I realize now that I hid my real self from that moment on. The fears and sarrow that I had felt before were paled by light pulled to the depths of this black hole in my heart. I tore myself apart and threw the vulnerable parts to the bottom of my soul. Inadvertently cutting off myself emotionally from everyone around me. I weep at the relationships I missed out on. I just swallowed my aderals and drowned myself in work. Telling myself that success at my job is what my wife needed. More pay, more things, more happiness. The whole time I was snubbing those around me in brash strokes. I look back on a version of myself as a scout tilling and planting a yard for an old lady and compare that to a man who wouldn't open the door for his wife. What did I think I was doing? On the way home each day after long nights at work, I'd drown my stress in a couple cigarettes, deep breaths of sweet death, just to get home and hide my life in a bowl of pot. Letting the white clouds engulf me in the sparkling mess I didn't want to face. Stripping myself from the crutches was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember following a co-worker all the way to his car for a cigarette, after I vowed to never buy another. After that my resolve was strengthened and I stopped getting high. Little did I know the darkness just layers beneath the skin that clawed itself to Alcohol. In gulps I drowned out my sanity and made way for demons within. I write as if this was the first time, and I wish so badly this was the last. The demon downed a bottled of aderal, trying to finally wipe this disgust from the face of the earth. At the same moment failing completely and letting another demon in. The birth of "Paranoid K.C." My drunken rampage was the beginning of the end. I accused her of cheating losely based on texts I can't remember, forever ending the trust we shared, and losing the security that I would be there for her by trying to kill myself. Those were the moments my acts smeared the hallow ground that was our first home. The place my wife so beautifully asked me to marry her. The hearts still hang in my room. The socks I wore wrapped in the elastic that she wore in her hair still lays hidden. Secret relics to the religion of our past. Three days straight I was awake after swallowing that bottle. The first I lied awake jumping at every sound within our house thinking that someone was breaking in. The second was bad, the cars that drove by were people attacking. The whole world a nightmare. I had a class at work that day, regrettably I attended. I knew full well my eyes were dialated like two endless holes gaping into my black soul. In one long gaze with eyes dramatically pronounced the teacher acknowledged he noticed without alerting the rest of the class. Or was that just, "Paranoid K.C."? I felt such shame. The third night, we drove all night while the imaginary people followed ready to attack us. From that moment on, they stopped giving me the aderal. Thats when I realized the addiction it had become. Picking up the pieces of our life we made best of the waste I had left. We moved again not able to stand the terrible memories I, K.C., had created. We moved and bought a third of my parents house desperate for a third chance. This was our new hope. Our fresh start and it was looking good. We'd well mended from our wounds and the foundations of trust were in the horizon. In flippant disregard to who and what I am, we celebrated our new found haven. The Alcohol poured forth and we partied at our new found luck unaware of what was comming. Two nights in a row I let the demons back again in three bottles of bitter bases. I remember nothing, so Alyssa filled me in. Not only that I hurt Alyssa but was verbally abusive. Yelling and telling her that I never trusted her. Making fresh wounds of old scars. Finalizing her grabbing enough confidence to let me go. She left because I was selfish, and I have to live with that everyday. She says its her fault to, but that's something I can't believe from a faithful wife who stuck with me through all that. I feel like I have brain washed her without either of us knowing. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE!!!!

It's a bit cold and drizzly out tonight
The summer grows restless and wild
My hope runs away out of my sight
Chased by my inner lost child

I wish to cry but my tears ducts are dry
I can only feel life through my pain
As my body grows weak my heart sadly beats
And tiredness bleeds from my brain

I'll save my voice for no one will hear
And even fewer can truly give a damn
The drizzling rain is falling in vain
For happiness has gone on the lam