I always have this idea that you were the catalyst
The match that lit my pyre ablaze
I always say that you broke the camel's back
To a simplified extent,
This is fact
But not only you alone truly broke it's weathered back
A mixture of good and bad
Big and small
It all shaped this funeral pyre of my former self
Waiting to be lit
And create something new
For so long I wished for a change in my world around me
When all I needed was to revolutionize myself
There is a slight anxiety still talking about last year's affairs
But for all intended purposes,
This is not me meticulously searching through your words to figure out what went wrong
This is me building myself
Understanding what I have gone through to create a new me
A better me
You lit the pyre,
But also kick-started the revolution
It's been about a year since it began,
And for lack of better words,
It's fucking awesome.

I painted flowers on the wall
I drew my dream house on the door
I created a picture puzzle on the floor
Played them all by myself
My nanny didn't understand me
She didn't learn about creativity
She just stood at a corner watching me..
I just hoped for a second she would join me...

A lonely child I was...
Talking to myself, mumbling, singing...
Playing with my imaginary friends
I built this magic land out of imagination
I was the queen, the king, the prince , the princess..
Just to mention a few human characters...

Every time I stepped into this mansion
It grew bigger, slightly bigger than before...
Every time I was taken outside, Which was hardly,
My eyes hurt, my skin cried in pain...
My nanny rushed me inside..
The door was closed before me...
She bathed me quickly,
Rubbed ointment on my skin,
Dressed me and put me to sleep
The next day I was told again to play all by myself
again in this creepy dark room

The street lights are rather lonely this time of year
Faintly glowing among the humid summer transition
They’re calling out the names of my friends and memories
Quoting verses written by Bukowski
“there’s no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.”
They drift down
Hauntingly with a dulled yellow hue
Barely noticeable,
Softer than a whisper and fainter than a feather
“I always had this certain
contentment-
I wouldn’t call it
happiness-“
Sometime’s I’ll lay under them on nights I could be out partying
I’ll lay down and listen and reminisce
Walking through this town
Talking about this place
We’re all hoping to become Streetlights

the very first time I went to a phycologist
my mother had already spoken to her
and given her "the whole story"
so that when i went in to speak to her
she thought she already knew everything

so i think half the problem was that
i didn't get a chance to get comfortable
with this random lady
and then come out with my problems
when i felt it best
i was forced into talking about them
right away

also i think where she had talked to my mother first
she had developed a bias
so she was on my mother's side
and thought her words were law

because when i went in and sat down
she told me i was being a selfish little girl
and that i needed to stop doing these things
because my parents didn't deserve
to have to deal with it

she said i probably had no friends
and made my list all of the friends i did have

she said i have to imagine being in my parents shoes
and seeing how this would effect them
but all i could think was that she didn't know
what my parents were actually like
and she had no business standing up for them

she couldn't imagine the nights i'd spent
crying on the fucking floor
with my father standing over me yelling
that i was being a stupid child

or the nights they would lock me out of the house
and i'd be stuck sitting on the doorstep
until my little brother would come down
and sneak me in

and so i sat in her red office
on her red fucking couch
and cried for an hour
while she basically told me off

and then my parents came in and joined me
and the lady said that things were going great
and i should come back the week after
she also gave me some homework
i was supposed to think about my future
and write down where i wanted to be
in ten years

also, she said that i wasn't allowed
to talk about anything she said with anyone
for at least two days
so i would have time to let it sink in

as soon as i left there i went to my boyfriend (at the time) 's
house and told him everything
then i took the fucking sheet with the homework on it and wrote

"in ten years i want to be fucking dead"

it felt like she didn't even care about my problems
like all that mattered to her was the money
she was going to make having me sit in that chair
for an hour a week

it felt like she was trying to cram me into this mould
that she and my mother had created for me
that didn't even consider my own feelings and plans

i felt ignored, disrespected, alone, and pathetic

if the therapist wouldn't even try to help me
what hope did i even have

___________________­_

someone please tell me this isn't how therapy always works
cause god i know i need it, but i've kind of been scared off of it

You stare off in a day dream,
in a place where you are looking down at your feet,
flying high above the ground.

But she keeps talking
oblivious to all but her own problems.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Corpse's in the fridge,
Mum smells it too?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Get punched in the eye,
Don't kick me back too.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I really like you.
Oh you don't? I said
Mbluhchuckschmoobs.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Zebras being all high, riding giraffes
They think they're so cool

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
When thirsty,
don't drink the water in the loo.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Pardon me dear, but
STOP CALLING VIOLETS BLUE

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Boy you're got to like me so much
To read this whole poem through.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I say whatever I think
And don't care about you

Roses are red,
I am so bland,
Violets are blue,
This really makes no sense.

Roses are red,
Why is everyone talking about roses?
Violets are blue,
Oh great, violets are blue again. Jesus.

Roses are blue,
Violets are red,
I want to be different,
^See what the above statement says.

Do not tell me to be quiet, do not silence my storm, do not tie me up in riddles, or covers to try and keep me warm. Do not try to be the drum to which my heart beats to, i am not a key in your lock, i am not the labyrinth within, you.

Do not tell me to shut up and sit down, do not misunderstand me, assume, appertain to, mislead or declare me reborn. Do not be within which i do not wish to seek; i am not yours, your reproach, your tears, or your regrets when you're weak.

Do not put your fingers upon my lips, do not silence me with a look, do not think you are more than you think you are, because you are more than i ever thought to be enough. Do not try, do not even for a second walk away, do not leave me alone, do not even, let me ever scream for you to stay.


Do not ask me to stop talking, thinking i won't be long, this is not a 4/4 or 3 into 2 kind of song. There is no birth, without a death, there is no grief without feeling bereft.

Do not ever expect me to be, someone who you think i want to be.
Just take my hand,
say 'hush now, be still and come, be still with me'

tell me what you want
cause i don't know the wrong from the right
those feelings aren't quite friends of mine
or maybe we should walk lonely tonight
far away from each other, aside.
just don't be talking "save me"
i only think for myself
see I'm very selfish really,
i mean the things i say,
only if i don't lie
and even if i lie, i mean it
i want you gone from my life

But you're an asshole and you don't even know
Because when I talk about love I'm not talking about the characters in the movie
I'm talking about you
About us
Because you won't even look at me twice
Because you'd rather see her
And you know you can have anything
Handed to you on a silver platter
And why would you ever want this
When you could have that?