i learned the hard way that love
doesn’t mean staring down the barrel
of a loaded gun,
telling me it’s his way or no way at all.
no one can ever make me
compromise my values,
not even the sweetest face (you),
not even the smoothest talker (you),
not even the gentlest touch (you).
i see you in every landscape,
every arrangement of orange leaves
on the autumn trees,
the snowfall on the tall mountainsides,
and i feel you in the hot sun
that beats down on my skin,
but i can’t keep dancing around
the words on my tongue,
the ones that keep trying to
pry open my lips, gasping for air,
begging to be set free.
no one can recalibrate my mind
to suit his needs, his wants.
we promised love to each other,
but even that isn’t enough for me
when my concerns, my beliefs,
aren’t second to none.
The birds, the bees, the flowers, and the trees;
we are all of these.
We are nature- the creative wonders encompassed in a dark world.
We are the free flying hummingbirds whose wings flutter ever so lightly.
We are the bumblebees always in search of pure gold dust.
We are the flowers that bloom each May and die every December.
We are the roots, the leaves, the branches, and the berries of the trees growing in your backyard.
We are all of these,
how long we were fool’d.
The planets, the galaxy, the stars, and the cosmic energy;
we are all of these.
We are the universe- the owners of rented space and borrowed time.
We are the spinning planets giving glory to the sun.
We are the galaxy sharing the same name as our favorite candy bar.
We are the stars that are wished upon by countless hopeless romantics.
We are the force, the colors, the radiance, and the chemical reactions of the cosmic energy your soul emits.
We are all of these,
how long we were fool’d.
The rusty bridges, the flooded valleys, the polluted air, and the sketchy back alleys;
we are all of these.
We are eyesores – the blemishes surrounded by the unexplained beauty.
We are the bridges blistered by acid rain and pigeon waste.
We are the valleys, lost in wondrous mountains that are immersed in water.
We are the air filled with gaseous atoms that hide beneath cumulous clouds.
We are the homeless, the litter, the stray cats, and the flickering lights of the back alley in your glamorous city.
We are all of these,
how long you were fool’d.
We have embodied the good, the bad, and the ugly.
We have embraced the magnificent, the imperfect, and all that is in between.
The wharf was busy; it was a Saturday and the sun was high in the sky. Strangely enough, it was hot. She wanted to get to the deYoung in time.
Eliza pulled impatiently on the hand and pulled her toward the circle of people, who were no doubt watching a street urchin or a performer.
“No, honey,” her mother said, “not today.” Eliza didn’t listen and ran up, wedging herself between the bodies of bystanders.
“Look, mommy! It’s a game.”
The man was a con, Marie knew this. She let Eliza gander.
“One dollar a play, ladies and gents,” the man said, “sorry sweetheart, kids aren’t allowed.” Eliza looked up at her mommy and pushed a dollar in to her hand. Not wanting a scene, Marie smiled and put it down.
“Just once, darling,” she said through whitened teeth and a botoxed smile. She didn’t know why she was doing this. It came to her in the moment and so she acted.
The man put a ball in the cup and told her to watch so she did. His hands were swift and mesmerizing. She knew that the ball was under the right one. She pointed. He lifted. It wasn’t there. Eliza wanted to know if she could play and if not why. Her mother told her that it was a big girl game and little girls couldn’t play. Eliza started crying so Marie put down another dollar and let her watch, just to get her to shut up. The man twisted to cups again and she failed. It happened again. And again, and again. The deYoung would close, she knew, but nothing could compare to the feeling of winning. In the end, the man got twenty of her dollars. The museum wasn’t so important.
When they were in the Saint Francis’s elevators, Marie bent down and smiled at Eliza.
“When poppa asks, dear, remember: we went to the museum and had a splendid time.”
i read poems on how love is eternal
their bones now aren’t much but dust
and so are their lovers
i can’t help but to wonder
where does that love go
when we are gone?
does it soak into the sun
and the stars beyond,
did it just fall on this hungry empty page?
have i swallowed it with my cup of tea,
is it why I find this girl so fascinating?
Girl of stone
She stood tall under the blue sky's
A strong stone
Year after year
Inner rocks crumbled slowly with every struggle thrown at her
People climbed to the top just to leave
Walked in and out of her life
But still under the sun she stood tall
The inside cracked without anyone knowing
A slow but damaging process
But still day after day
People visited the stone girl
Admired her happiness
But what they didn't know was the pain within
The struggle she faced to hold herself together
When all at once
The girl fell
Peace by piece
While flowers bloomed and people gleamed with happiness
the girl was a mound of unknown pieces to damaged to fix
Who are you suppose to be when your only fourteen?
Back when things were fuzzy
And we knew nothing
But you keep on breathing
Even if your not living
Good thing time has a way of changing things
I know you can tell I've been thinking
But I don't think you know that I'm sinking
And I couldn't give you a reason
Maybe it's just the season
I'm looking at you with red eyes
Trying to get away from the routine of life
Since it's so fleeting
And all they want is money
What happened to the meaning?
Born into a world
You have to pay for
We spend it trying to make a living
Then retire when your sixty
If you make it
And the blizzard
I'll never forget
How cold it could get
That icy snow froze me to the bone
I thought I would never see the sun again
Cause and effect manifest
Your conclusion has to be your very best
When the stars begin to fade
I may just change my ways
Until that time doth come
I'll try and catch the sun
I never thought I'd have to see her like this so soon. So young. So cold.
I should have listened to her. I should have talked to her more. Seen her more. She always asked me why I seemed so distant from her, I always got frustrated and denied it.
Now she's the distant one.
We would argue often. About communication. Our feelings. Her feelings. She had a very hard life. A violent alcoholic father. She grew up untainted by her surroundings, but scarred. Chronic Anxiety and Depression. She would cry often, and get mad and angry for sometimes no reason. She said she didn't know why it happened; it just did, and that I couldn't understand. That made me angry. Even though she was right; I really couldn't.
I haven't had an easy life in the past few years, but it doesn't compare to hers. I didn't know what is was like to be as depressed as she was. To be as anxious as she was. She would always check up on me, because she always worried about me. I myself, just took it and never did it for her.
What a mistake.
I remember my 17th birthday. She was more excited than I was, and couldn't wait for me to finally see what she had done for me. She was adorable when she talked about it. I spent the day with her and she made me a homemade card themed my favorite video game, and a Key Lime pie from scratch. I love Key Lime pie.
How I wish we could make it together, one last time.
A couple days after my birthday, a package she ordered came and she was ecstatic for me to finally have it. They were custom made genuine dog tags. They had my information on one tag, and a personalized message from her on the other. Her message read, "KNOWING YOU HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND LOVING YOU HAS MADE MY WORLD." I wear them everywhere, even to today.
But when her birthday came around, I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. She was really upset, and I felt guilty when she mentioned it, so I never did get her anything; I felt it was too late.
Whenever she was happy, she shined brighter than the sun. She smiled and laughed and was goofy. She would make up little songs about how much she loved me, and she would do anything for me. Now, I can only imagine how she felt when I left for the night, not doing anything for her.
I knew she had had problems even before she met me. I knew she was chronically sad. I knew she had always been a rock, but had slowly started to erode and needed someone.
Why was I so selfish!?
I notice her mother is crying. Hysterically. They were so close. Her mom was so nice, always inviting me over and cooking for me even when they didn't have much food. Now, she looks like an empty husk of what she used to be. Crumpled on the floor, covered in her own tears, mourning the loss of her world.
Her younger brother sits with their dad, hugging and crying on each other, as well as the rest of her family. You can almost smell the saltiness in the air from all of the tears.
I've cried as much as I can. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn't want to believe she was gone. But eventually I screamed, bawled and raged at my loss. She was the only thing that mattered to me.
Now I stand here, silent and empty. My mind is numb, and all I can do is stare at her. Eyes closed, chest still, but still so beautiful. I had to battle with myself to even come and deal with seeing her like this. I finally move my stiff hand towards her curly hair and stroke it, and slowly move my hand to her shoulder. I imagine her opening her eyes and smiling at me with one of her beaming smiles. But I know it won't happen, and that's when the tears come.
I'll never see her smile, feel her lips against mine, hug her small body again. I can never hear her sweet voice again, telling me "I love you." With a glow in her eyes.
Why didn't I show her how much she meant to me? Why couldn't I swallow my pride and be a little more caring and thoughtful for her the way she never failed to be for me? Why? I'm sobbing now. I collapse to my knees and rest my hand over hers. She's freezing. I rub her hands instinctively as if it will warm them up, but it doesn't.
I just want her to wake up. I feel as if it's my fault she's in eternal silence now. Apart of the world beyond, when I want her so desperately to be back here with me. I don't want her to leave me. I feel as if I can't live without her, she was the only one I'd ever truly loved, but in the end I failed her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I should have shown her more instead of using only my words!
I slowly stand up still covered in my tears, and stare at her sleeping body. I watch as one drips down onto her expressionless face. I use my thumb to gently wipe my tear away, just as I used to wipe hers. Now all I can do is think about what could have been, what I could have done, and what will never be.
"I'll miss you." I whispering through my sore choked throat, and kiss her cold forehead.
"I love you."
Your eyes remind me of the river I drive across every morning on my way to work.
The sun has always reflected off the water the way love seemed to beam from your irises.
I know there are fish in that river, I just cannot see them.
Just like I know there is life behind the sky blue colors swirled in your eyes
I wish she'd forget you like the ocean forgets the top of the beach when it is feeling low.
I wish she'd forget the sand-colored hair I run my hands through.
I know your eyes hold more secrets than she could spill, and each secret can slip through the fingers you hold, as long as they were mine and not hers.
I can still hear the water crashing on top of the rocks only to be pushed away by my words every time I pushed you away and you clung to my heart like the undertow pulling at my feet.
But now she welcomes you like the bottom of a waterfall and you continue to
pour your love into her
I don't know how she ever let you go;
I don't know how someone could ever fall out of love with the way you'd say their name.
Our love could practice neoteny; it'll never grow old, even when we will.
I grew far too tired of the relentless persuasion to rekindle our flame. (I don't even know what that was supposed to mean)
the last memory I have of your voice is you screaming my name but I've watched you whisper hers gently into her ear and I can't help but wonder if you think of me
I wonder if she knows you never speak her name in a positive light? I can tell you've never wanted to let go so bad.
I'll hold your memories so safely in my hand,
only to throw hers aside.
I've never heard of such literal poison as the way she reeled you in.
Sometimes my mind wonders off to a simpler time and I question whether you taste her kiss and remember me.
I think of every sweet nothing you whispered in my ear as you held me tightly when my mind wasn't even remotely close.
I wonder if her thoughts stay with you or if it's just her body that's there just like mine
always seemed to be.
I've never heard of such literal
poison as the way she reeled you in.
Rain dapples in fens of the marshland brook,
Among the rue hillocks of the sapling woods,
What little piece may fall as when the shivering
Leaves of the sun are cold as do, kestrels quiver
In midair, to keep as they sway into the stations
Of all mousey minions who faulter in formation
And birth is bright when night clothes the day,
As all the mornings long, song of hope, is May.