I was sure
Sure of myself
Thought I was above clichés
Live to please someone?
Psh i'd think "it'd never come to that"
But then he was there
He'd been there a while
A comfortable smile
I kid you not
It came to me like a slap in the face
This sudden urge? This unrivalled adoration?
It felt so out of place
Its the simple things
Your little gap between your teeth
The effortless and energising teasing
I began to see see parts of me within you
The quiet thoughtfulness
The smile you had for everyone
Always a thousand times more beautiful when directed at me
Shine down on me
In the dead of the night
I watch them twinkle
Whilst I spend my time
Waiting for you
My thoughts are a whirlwind
They spin with the autumn leaves
In a colourful bliss
Because there simply isn't anything dull
About the thought of you
But eventually I get frustrated
At the idea of this damn wall
That towers over me
You on one side
I on the other
And you don't even know
Then, all of a sudden
Your peaceful sleeping image
Fills my head with wonder
But there's nothing I can do
Besdies smile sadly
And wish I could cradle in beside you
Because my day would start so much better
If it started next to you
After spending a weary night awake
I see you walk the streets
Whilst I sit shotgun
Next to my mother
Who complains about my baggy eyes
And extreme lack of sleep
I tune her out
And watch you walk
As you bop your head to your music
I smile and bop my head too
Wanting nothing more than for us to be
I see you in the halls
And break out into a smile
Beyond my control
But you don't even notice
You don't notice anyone
How I wish you'd just let me in
But you don't even know
marvel at the complex-pattern
painting such a span of swirls
light-panels less than shimmer
in the afternoon shadows on the wooden kitchen-table
biggest fear - your leaving
beautiful summer-days lost in your eyes
oblivion dances like a wily-wench at hypnotising fire-licks
from our languid-bed, I'd lazy-feed you lox-on-crackers
and everything you liked
heaven never had it so good
woke up and you weren't there
where'd you go to?
no letter, no call.. for days
to overcome this fear
I brought in a b-i-g-g-e-r one
that used to drive me to serious-pitfalls in the past
off to the exotic pet-shop, my toes marched me
and I got one - very toxic thing on legs
without a natural terrarium
once home, I set it free
I set free.... my biggest fear
to blot out your absence
to overcome your presence
to forget you
it crawled around and made a home
while I hardly breathed nor slept
and moved about on ginger-steps
I kept feeling strands of your hair
in my sleep
on my cheek
inside my cry
and woke to moonlight bathed in sweat
I did not wash your pillow, after weeks now
I bury my face in olfactory-memory lingering
and pine for you, but I see your missing set of keys and..
/ scratch .. scratch /
I hear a sudden scurrying
heartbeat jumps out cage
eyeballs to the parquet-floor
I'm getting used to this new pet
and she doesn't mind my breathing
oh, I swear she's a brain-scanner
when she looks at me that way
like she can read me.. through and through
I dare not pet, I dare not touch... ohhhh no!
I leave her the daily-bowl of delicious, fresh worms
to find it empty in the evening
I guess, thanks for freedom.. of sorts
one day, I left the window open
as I jotted down some poignant thoughts
at my antique-escritoire
espied her legs upon the solar-sill
thought she'd be running... a leaver, too
she was sunning all her legs awhile
the season's changing.. leaves are falling
crackle of wind in the air
now, I'm making me some coffee in my silver whistle-pot
hot, solo beverage to calm my settling-mind
when.. ping-ping.. comes a text
lo and behold....
it is you...
delirium / delirium /
(I'm on cloud-nine... you're coming home tonight..
you love me so much, you say..
made a mistake..
you've got something big to share..
I've taken time to prepare a special-meal.. candles and all your faves
but must pop out quick to get some lox...)
I'm back now, got the stuff now
key in lock
but the door.. jammed by a weight.. of sorts
can't seem to push the darn-door open...
shoving hard, I see........
fear compounded by a minus
S T - 4 dec 13
days fly by
on wing of trust
As my soles strike the concrete
My soul soars across the skyline
And I catch myself considering
The constant conflict of life,
And the concept of beauty by which
Then I see a skyscraper
And my mind goes ballistic
With a sudden epiphany
Each window holds a story
Of a person or a family
Facing challenges like me
And the whole of humanity
I stand there
As I consider the potential
And I begin to entertain
The ludicrous notion
The world isn't broken
If all of those windows
Set aside all adversity
We could face any problem
With the highest degree of certainty
Our eyes are forever searching for something beautiful,
longing for its sudden appearance until we can wrap our arms around it and watch it suffocate.
Die in our tiresome grip.
Not by choice, no.
How many times have you been exposed to the night sky?
How many times have you looked up and admired its beauty?
How many poems have been written about it's moon, it's stars?
Constellations you've depicted with your best friend at age eleven.
You're 15, you're 19, you're 25. It's still there.
Unattainable as ever.
Beautiful. As. Ever.
People are not like that.
People are beautiful until you see through their soft skin,
and fall into the creases of their skin;
break through scar tissue
trip and fall through the cracks of their forced smiles.
People are beautiful until you can no longer face the tragedy of their lives,
can no longer deal with the burden of what you once would have died for.
No, definitely not.
People should not be disposable.
They are not the socks you toss away in disgust, after a long day of breaking a sweat.
They are not the gift wrap around your new Macbook Air,
torn and ripped to shreds until you finally get to the good part.
I know this, I do.
So do you.
But I cannot help myself.
You cannot help yourself.
Human nature is a cruelty of some sort.
If I believed in a Hell,
I would say that boredom is the Devil's advocate.
I’ve never met anyone like you.
Take that as a compliment but
don’t overlook the underlying insult.
Your gentle words have the power
to widen my smile while our difference of endless
opinions make me wonder how we would ever work.
How could this ever be what we think it’s worth?
I tell myself the frustration with you only proves
that I care more than I thought I did,
I intended to.
My heart doing everything my brain told it not to do;
fall for you.
But you aren’t there to catch me.
It’s more like you falling with me.
Side by side.
Deep into unexpected attraction,
dipped in crazed amounts of mental satisfaction
that somehow make me forget how we could even disagree
in the first place.
I can’t say I mind the sudden change in my mood,
the tune in my voice,
or the way parts of my body feel
as your lips trace its frame,
because forever embedded is the purity of sweet sound
my ears devour as your tongue ejects my name.
So say it again, but s l o w e r.
Let it linger as you add to this relationship’s value.
Continue being the muse of my over-thought thinking
I’ve never met anyone like you.
I know you said you'd never leave.
But I can't trust that cause so did he.
I was going to be with him forever.
That was my dream.
He would be my king.
And I his queen.
For the love that he gave me.
Was just as ours.
We were happy together
Until his popularity grew large.
He was too got for me,
The shy, sad, bother to the world.
I wanted so badly to be good enough for him
So I changed myself completely just to fit in.
In the blink of an eye I was gone.
I would never be found again.
I tried to be happy for as long as could be.
But every one could tell it really wasn't me.
He became my everything.
I breathed him in and held him for as long as I could.
But the thing about inhaling a substance
Is eventually you have to exhale.
And our exhale was sudden and scary.
It was the cough that gets stuck in your throat.
I held it in anyway. Through the cough and the pain
And for that I'm sorry
I held on for too long when clearly you didn't want me anymore.
That is my only regret with him.
That and falling too fast
And as long as I live
I'll remember what he did and I'll never be the same
And the words I love you will never come out of my mouth again
So thank your dear old friend for what he did to me
Because now our love is tarnished.
I guess we weren't meant to be
Poem a day, day 4
Falling is just like flying
Until you hit the ground.
Hit rock bottom.
Maybe that's why they call it falling in love.
Feels like flying
Or a bit like dying.
Stomach in your throat
At the sudden drop.
Exiting and scary
Where is this going
Am I soaring
Or am I crashing?
Which way's up,
Which way's down?
Don't let me hit the ground.
In his arms,
Is he my superman?
Will he catch me as I fall
And keep me from harm?
It's out of my control now
I fell without warning.
Surrender to the trip, wow
Sensations overwhelm me.
This day every year hits me hard
it makes me feel two parts nostalgic and
Three parts miserable
i'm just a little bit racy
a little bit shaky
a little bit to achey for you
Or maybe i always was
the insatiable appetite i have for you is killing me inside
Slowly and painfully
i never thought it was this painful to miss someone so much
I think the reason i cannot detached these feelings i have for you is because
You are the only pure, true happiness i've ever known
you're the only light i've ever had
If i were ever to stop feeling that for which i feel for you i think i would feel
I am Empty.
You are detrimental to my health
especially my mental health
because it shouldn't be healthy to feel such a
Cocktail of emotions all at an instance
for one person
that's what causes heart attacks
You are a bus traveling at 50 mph with no intention of stopping
and i am in the middle of the road
You are a blood clot in my brain and you are much to close to an artery
you are water that rushes into my lungs and
weighs me down
I am Unconscious.
That date was and always will be the first time i ever felt something break within me
and the day you find someone else
And you look happier then you ever did with me
my heart will break again, in 4 parts
you left me there in my own mess
It felt like a shot coursing through my veins
it's similar to the first time you fracture a bone
or when you cannot get the toy you want
When you see an animal die in a movie
it can't physically be your heart breaking
but it sure feels like something has shattered
and for some time afterwards you still feel the pieces of whatever has damaged still in the place
Where it broke
you carry them with you in hope they will dissolve quickly
They cause internal injuries and you bleed from within
But all of a sudden, you feel nothing
nothing at all
I am Numb.
bastard! you stole my ability to feel!
I cannot show affection for anything anymore
that container is empty
maybe one day the ink that fuels my sentiment for you into these words will run dry
And i can regain some sort of feeling besides emptiness
longing for you
Can it subside?
it's just odd how i can have all this inside me and to you it's just words
If writers write about the things that are haunting them then your ghost is still here
in my head
Living a comfy residence where it is not welcome
i look for you in everyone
there is no longer a woman inside me
Just this tiny little thing that shouts all the time and only wants one thing
true in her devotion
She wants you and she wants to know why you gave up and left me when i needed you
you're still inside of me like a disease
And i am still here surviving solely on your memory
everything reminds me of you
i have died and come undone at your hand
I am Heartbroken and in Love
I was stuck. I was stuck in every way a person can interpret that word. My body was stif and slack at the same time. Although I knew subtly where I was, I didn't know which way to walk, which way to face my body. I stood in a hallway, strings of people flowing around me like ocean currents. My head couldn't seem to comprehend what was happening. I stood motionless, the only thing I could feel was the rising panic coursing through my veins. I couldn't hear and my vision became blurry and everything moved slow. I could hear my heart, pounding slow and slower. I realized I had exhaled completely and tried to take a breath in, an choked. I couldn't breathe. And that's when I panicked. I felt you, I felt you next to me and in that moment you meant safety. So I tried to turn to you and you must've understood because the pain was reflected back onto your face. I was choking and my lungs wouldn't open, I needed to cry and I needed to scream but I couldn't move and everything was slowly closing in. Out of the suffocating silence I could vaguely hear my name being called, over and over. Each time increasing in volume and anxiety. Suddenly the voice had hands and they were clasped around my shoulders squeezing me. I stared blindly forward, mouth slightly open, trying to find words in the abyss of my brain and willing myself to take a breath. The only thing I could see were two blue gray eyes. They were wide and sincere. I blinked and slowly opened my eyes, I thought that if I just closed my eyes again I might find some relief. The only thing that kept me here, that kept me from crashing into the soft white void that threatened to collapse around me were those two beautiful, beautiful eyes. And all of a sudden I gasped, "I can't breathe." The eyes softened for a split second of relief and hardened into a determined stare. With one magnificent crash everything that I knew and every usual human sense, plus a few, returned to me. I could feel my own weight again, and man did I feel heavy. I knew I couldn't breathe and that I was moving very fast. I could feel rough hands on my body, one on my shoulder and one on my waist, red bricks were blurred to my left and suddenly I was sitting on the floor, cross legged, confused on how I had gotten there, facing the two blue eyes. Nothing felt right, but I could breathe again, I could hear his voice and I could hear mine, I understood what I was saying and what he was saying and he was telling me he loved me and that it would be okay and please bel, please, please, please open your mouth and take another breath. He was holding my hand so tight, and brushing hair off my face and I could barely get air to my lungs but I was still breathing and he was here, right here in front of me and I was somehow still alive.