I think
my father was born a giant
but somewhere along the line
he shrunk
to the size of a man.

Once,
like a pea,
he could hold me
in a single hand.

Rough,
and calloused.
They felt like sand.
Warm, and welcoming.

My father’s laugh
like the ocean
would roar and boom
and grow soft.

My father’s roar
like the storm
would rise and fall

with the fall of his hand.

I once was a pea.
I once was a seed.

I grew.

I grew and grew
and grew
until the tears
weren’t quite so ready
and my hands were rough
like sand
paper.

If only I could
smooth
out my life.

Every surface tread
with steady steps.
Every surface
would be even.

My thoughts
I could fit
in a neat, tidy
box.

File them away.
File him
away.

Though I imagine he would
Hate
the tight, muddy space
beneath the ground.

I imagine he would
hate
me more.

For now
the only sounds I hear,
blows I fear

are the ones that won’t fit in the file cabinet.

When I look back,
I remember Montpelier is where I started.
Things were simpler, the days were easier, and everything was brighter.
It’s amazing how much has changed since then.

Back then I didn’t worry about school.
Education was free, I loved learning, and recess was invigorating.
But now, school has conquered my mind with questions like:
Can I pay next year?
What about loans?
Can I keep my scholarship?
Will I have to drop out?

The struggle is alive people, and if you don’t realize it will eat you alive.

Over the years, friends have decreased, family members deceased…
Days have grown longer, and the years have become harder.
My chromatic days filled with vibrant colors have faded away…
The lively colors of my youth have faded away to black, white, and somber greys.
Black carries the bad times, the uncertainty, the doubt.
These times are constant…
White carries the pockets of sunshine within your life…
The good days, when everything is going right, or when a certain special person steps in your life.
And, the grey carries those days where you just don’t know…
Those days where you are stuck in the mundane cycle, constantly trying to find your drive.

I just wonder, where did those vibrant days go?
Because most days I am stuck in the greys…
And, simply, I just do not where did Montpelier go?

- j.m.

1920s wannabe
lie and cheat to end up on top
stuck in the past
loving a girl who has long moved on
reaching so far for a silly green light
that he passes it without realizing
in the end
he did end up on top
on top of a raft
on top of his pool
on top for the first time that summer
only to be on top to stay
thanks to two jealous men
(Mr. Tom Buchanan)
and
(Mr. George Wilson)
jealous for different reasons
but aiming at the same man
who ends up
shot to bits
on top
of his shattered American Dream

Who am I;
to say to you that what you believe could never be true. Would you look at all the facts that Im showing to you, instead of walking away with that narrow minded view. Since youve got all the answers, tell me, Who am I to you

Who hears all of your stories, when you just need to complain
Who picks up the pieces, when all you have is pain
I am there when you are lonely, but that doesnt seem to do.
Why dont you just fucking tell me, who am I to you

Am I temporary or just for show
Are you stuck with me, but dont want to say so
Does it matter to you, if I stay or go
If I dont ask now, will I ever know

i've never heard anne sexton speak
and i think i've fallen in love
a masculine power
a spiritual honey dew
seeping from the hole
a ripping and raping voice
who holds a magnetism so strong
that she stuck her head in an oven
it's like we can't hold back our emotions
and emotions so strong
the impulses so impulsive
it burns you down
a burning crucifix you are

If any of us felt the cold of the sun
We didn't let ourselves know it until the end of the day.
We didn't let ourselves show it until May was over.
No one ever let slip the ideas or that we we're stuck inside a supernova.

Nothing came between us on those Spring afternoons,
Or in those twisted nights where we turned into loons,
When the clock started to move backwards and something was expressed,
Something wrapped up in foil, kept cold and compressed.
But somewhere out there in the back of our minds,
the message was sent with the passing of time.

Everything is as it should be simply because it is,
How we express ourselves is like when we were kids.
And sometimes when the lights are out and the curtains drawn,
Something comes stirring that doesn't rest until dawn,
What it is I can't quite place,
But it lingers on as I motion from place to place

When this is over and I am elsewhere,
I'll gaze back around and break with its stare.
Being on some distant plain I shall digress.
And see that the animal in my mind can finally rest.

Words are misgiving and perhaps I've said too much,
But I continued to write and I say its not such.
So whatever I draw from this somewhere down the line,
I can carry on going because everything really is fine.

And this life I live is so uniquely mine.

Think I've been collared by demons of pain,
Flaming heavyweight iron collar,
Got me again,
Weighing me down,
It's ripping in gripping,
Is making me sad,
Not far from crying,
Dying would be relief,
Would give a whole lot less grief!
Neck and shoulder takes it again,
It's killing,
Not thrilling,
As raging spasm tugs,
Pain's blunt,
Head stuck in transit,
All I can do is sit!
By ladylivvi1
© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)
Views: 1

I'm going to have to be the one
No one else can save me,
not one human on the earth has the time to constantly be along someone's suffering side
So it'll be me, to do the duty on myself, to get through this never ending battle
& I'll be stronger at the end of it
But it's just so hard to do it alone while feeling so alone,
it even hurts to know that there are not many people who consistently reach out enough to grab  me,
to lift me up and get me going
I'll have to be the one
I'm me, no one else can do it for me,
independency
But when you've spiraled down into such a deep dark place and you try to get out,
every inch doesn't feel that much closer to the light
I fall back in the mud again
Just to fail once more
To be a failure again
To repeat the cycle again
To never get out
To be stuck
Stuck in the mud that I fell in
Thank god it's not quick sand
If it was, I'd never get out
That's how I know there's hope
There's gotta be
Nothing lasts forever
Besides life
Life is infinite
Infinity is what?
People keep on smiling and thats great,
no jealousy,  just envy for their days that keep on  going, their routines and lives that are naturally just flowing, while I space out & sit in silence and wait to disappear in a sphere that's not crystal clear
My bones ache and for gods sake,
I try my hardest to appreciate
That I'm alive today
Even though my days are grey
Getting out of bed never felt so hard
It's like I've lost all my strength &
the power of my body and mind
I'm lost, but no ones there to find me,
I'll be here to find me, there's a little hope inside of me
Reading is such a chore,
since i lose track of everything,
feeling like a bore
No energy to take care of me,
well this is how it'll have to be,
but hopefully.. this is just temporary.

Shrouded in darkness,
Smothered in pain,
Causing this hell,
To come again,
And will i choose to walk,
or to stay?
Or will i learn,
Learn to walk away.
Im done with this,
The light is gone,
Bust still im here,
Though i know you want me gone.
I wish i was gone too,
But you dont undertand,
What i chose to be,
I shose to be more than a man.
Im a shadow,
Im a demon,
Im from hell, and heaven,
Somewhere between them.
I surfacing,
In a world of hate,
Im stuck on in the water,
Like im the bait.
Baiting those creatures,
From the depths,
You dont want to catch them,
You want it to be my death.
Well im done with your shit,
So find another sacrifice,
Im powerless,
Cause im stuck in a straight-jackets vice.
Ive got my problems,
You have plenty of yours,
Im not takeing conflicts,
Im not taking anymore.
Fend for yourselves,
Leave me out,
Like you always do,
I remember with absolutely no doubt.
Im done here,
Thanks for hearing my show,
But ask yourselves this:
What do YOU know?