i will always associate back flips
with my first "boyfriend" in the third
grade who has probably now grown
up to be the type of guy who takes
pictures of himself shirtless in the bathroom
mirror and tells his girlfriend that she's pretty
but not quite as pretty as he is.

i will always associate playgrounds
with my elementary school sweetheart
and hearing my favorite love song and
him walking five steps behind and defending
me when he thought i needed it.

i will always associate the rain
with wet tables and standing up
and laughing with friends and talking
and being wrapped in someone's arms
for the very first time and hearing "i missed you."

i will always associate "almosts" with the guy
i never really realized i wanted until it was too late
and seeing him walk around holding the hand of the
girl who wanted him when i didn't and seeing him kiss
her the way he wanted to kiss me once upon a time
and with screwing up really really irreparably bad this time.

i will always associate short time periods with the two weeks
when i belonged to someone I never expected to want,
when he kissed me like i mattered,
when he held me as though he would never let go
and then told me we should "take a break" and
come back to us when the "time was right."

and i will always associate happiness with these times
when i was loved and wanted and needed for just a little while
and believing for just a moment that i was special.

and you know what else?

i will always associate failure with the entrance of something better
i will associate failure with a narrow escape because if it were meant
for me to have then i would have had it but it's not so i don't.

i will always associate life with beautiful complications.

If I stayed any longer,
Who knows?
I might have gone insane too.

He told me his name.
I never asked him why he was there,
Why everyone else avoided him.  

I regret it now
But now is not the time,
There is no time left.  

He said he could get out
Whenever he wanted.
He just had no reason to go.  
He told me if I would come with him,
Stay with him forever, we’d leave.  

Can you imagine that?
He even said he loved me.  
The weirdest part is, I think I loved him to.
I would keep trying to remember
Where this love was taking place,
In this asylum but, I always forgot.

All we had to do was walk out.  
Nobody touched us.  
When we were out, we ran, and ran, and ran.  
In the middle of the forest,
There was no way they could find us,
We still wanted to be safe.

We found a cave in which we could stay,
Until we had enough strength to explore.
There was plenty of apples and firewood around.  
That first night, I just ate, and ate, and ate.  

I noted the big willow tree
and boulder next to the exit.
Natural, and calm.
This was a place of my refuge,
Where I would be happy.

We set out to explore,
The cave must have been close to the surface,
There were cracks in the ceiling that lit our way.
The cave was filled with tunnel after tunnel.  
Sometimes the tunnel would split into five or six
And we would have to choose one.
Giving the false sense of direction
As we wandered, aimless.
  
When I got scared,
He would assure me it would all be fine.
That must have been the worst lie,
Anyone has ever told me.

I finally worked up the courage
To ask him why he was in the asylum.  
He told me he could fool the mind.
Fool it into believing its body was in pain,
He said his looks could kill.

I scoffed.  

He stared at me,
Completely bewildered.  
I clearly thought him insane.  
He let that slide.  

He never kissed me fully, passionately.  
They were always short and sweet.  
He only brushed my face
When he wanted me to calm down,
Making jokes whenever
I was having second thoughts.
  
He was using me.  
I was a shield, nothing more.  
I would have to be disposed of.

Back to staring,
I realized that his back
Is not made of duck feathers.
My scoff doesn't slide.

I ran faster I’d ever run before.
All this flew through my mind
As I scrambled up from the cave floor for the third time.
The exit was just around the corner.
It just had to be.  

As I stumbled back
Onto the cold hard rock
The exit came into view.
I saw the light shimmering on the broken rock.
The shadow of a willow tree.
Ironically I was so happy I could cry.  
I’d hide in the trees
I’d never have to see this murderer again.  
Tripped for the fourth time.

I looked up,
Still sprawled out on the cave floor.  
There was a hole in the ceiling,
Sending shattered shafts of light to where I was lying.  
I watched the dust fall in lazy spirals.

I jumped off the floor.
Back to my peril,  
I heard his sluggish footsteps.
Turned around for one last look.
He stood in those shattered beams of light
Glaring at me.

Now on my feet, I stood
In the dark half of the spacious hall of rock
As if that would help my situation.  
If only I could fade into the shadows.  
I was trapped.
With no escape but the cave's tunnels behind me,
Or the death awaiting me.  

Just a few more steps back.  

He’s eyes snapped to my feet,
"You don’t want to do that.”
Back to my face.
His smile was only evident in his voice.
He was right.  
I didn’t want to die in that moment.  

The room’s light darkened
As if someone had put out the sun.
I knew it was coming.

I loved him.
He may not love me now.
He may never have.
But I don’t care.  
If I never loved him,
I may not be in this situation,
I might not be about to die.  
But I think just maybe,
It was worth it.  

Those smiles,
Stolen kisses and touches,
Just the sound of his voice.
Running in the middle of the forest
Away from the asylum.
It was all worth the pain I was about to feel.  

We stood staring at each other,
Waiting for the other to make the first move.  
The tension mounted.
Hatred started coming off him in waves,  
Hitting me over and over
Threatening to pull me under.  
I could feel his anger.

The air seemed to thicken,
Weighing down on me,
Forcing from me my last breath.
Draining me of what little strength
I had left to remain standing.

I began to gasp for air,
Unable to feel my lungs expand.
Feel the relief of oxygen in my blood.  
My eyes were locked in his
Begging to turn away,
To save my life.  

I was mesmerized.
Like prey waiting for the snake to strike  
I watched helplessly as his face,
Distorted with anger, began to twitch.  

I could see the words that would end this,
Begin to form on his lips.
Waiting to be released.
Slope off his spit stained organ.  
After the agony of anticipation seemed to reach its peak.  
They dropped like acid into the open air.

I lost the fight against the pressure.
Finally crumbling under the strain,
I rested on my knees.
Holding my head in my hands
Preparing to resist the attack.

It hit me full force
Like a subway train at full speed.
I did all I could not to cry out,
To give in to this miserable existence,
To give him the satisfaction of my death.  

I broke out in a cold sweat
As my muscles continued to fight,
Melting with the strain.  
Adrenaline pumped through my veins
As the true attack began.  

The pain started at the tips of my fingers and toes.  
Slowly crawling, burning,
It continued to eat away at my flesh.  

Much to my dismay
I remained intact
But paralyzed by the pain
Unable to run away,
To escape it.

I was unaware of the storm of tears
Falling from my cheeks.  
Oblivious that he continued to circle closer,
Waiting for his moment to strike.  

The pain began to worsen,
Shifting from fire to lava,
Lava to lightning.  
It was unimaginable, indescribable.

Then I lost control.
This body– it was no longer mine.
It began to betray me.  
It shuddered, then shook spasmodically.  

Its back arched knowing what was to come next,
Preparing as the bubble of air was pushed slowly
Up its tongue, against its lips.
Its blood curdling,
Gut wrenching shriek
Lasted mere hundredths of a second.

He comes into view for a brief moment.
My eyes roll back into my head,
And I lose myself in the blackness.  

Moon seems brighter than usual,
Etched deep into my mind
Shining through my longing
Wind is somewhere else
Probably encouraging
A storm far away
Having fun and dismissing
How much we need its bray

Sun did its best today
Burning mischievously
And that's why this night
Illuminated by the moonlight,
Seems magical, wrapped in a haze
Above motionless sea, above me,

I am sitting on the steps
Of the sad sounding sea organ
Exhausted from the heat,
Soaked with melancholy
A young couple in love
Is exchanging kisses
Sitting in front of me,
I want to feel alone in this world
But they won't let me

~Natasha~

seven years sets in as the mirror shatters
my reflection no longer who he used to be;
or perhaps he's always been that way,
and my ignorance, my blind eyes
have been causing me pain, telling me lies
the temptations of having someone so alike
has left my thoughts running amok
has caused my heart itself to tuck
its veins and arteries back inside
i was open wide
but now, as i try to close
this gaping wound, my body knows
that healing is much harder a task than i could ever have thought it to be.

so i'll slam my fingers on the keys
to try to gain some sort of release
until something from my brain is freed
and devotion of this kind
i will no longer need.

the notes bite into my fingertips
deep slits left behind
as i unwind
finding that the tide has come in
as the lunar orb begins to set
i try not to fret
as my sinews are played
on the shiny white teeth
on the rotten black cavities between
the braces of my fingers, cleaned
of what might have beens and who are they nows

methamphetamine of the mind
speeds up my heart, my flesh unwinds
i scream for an end
to this running, running song
but find that all along
ive been playing this silly game;
so the shame
begins to set in as i see
i loved him on a whim
in the house where they teach us
not to sin
while he was dancing satan's steps
adultery, lust, and the rest

im bashing now, no longer holding
onto the gentle tune that began this twisting
twirling
whirling
chaos
that is my brother, my friend
my brother, my friend...
but in the end,
he was just another jester.
but in the end,
here to pester, adorned in costumes
and fancy dancing shoes

but in the end,
this wasn't a duet at all.
this wasn't a duet at all!

THIS WASN'T A DUET AT ALL!

I look at one of these machines today and it sends chills down my body..
I can remember being lost.. I just wondered off as a kid chasing butterflies and fireflies in the deep woods of Alaska..
I was gone for days.. I was parched and so hungry.. My little body could not muster enough strength to scream for help anymore..

I could see and hear animals about.. I was to young to realise that the animals wanted me to eat.. They were just waiting for me to die..

It wasn't until the night came on the 4th day.. My parents called Shineday inc and requested a (Recovery unit) ST-anthony be flown in..

I was falling asleep under some brush and trees.. Not really falling asleep more like crying to sleep.. The I saw these blue eyes glowing over me.. The robot moved the brush very gently and picked me up.. I can remember him being so warm as he held me.. His steps were very silent.. We then stopped and he gave me a small metal box with my drawings on it.. It made me smile! I opened it and there were some pop tarts and water in it.. I ate them up!!! He then took me back to the cabin where my mom ran screaming to me! Even my dad was crying! He went to the (Recovery unit) ST-anthony and thank him over and over..

I am looking at one of these machines now.. I wonder if it was the one who found me that night..

Did you ever wake up and realize
that somehow, over night,
everything stopped making sense?
All of a sudden, your bed feels foreign to you.
Your pillow is cold against your cheek and
your blankets aren’t as comforting
as they used to be.
You drag yourself out
from beneath the covers
and the walk to the bathroom
Feels longer than you remember.
The tile on the floor is more solid and
the little rug in front of the sink
no longer caresses your toes.
When you look up,
when you make eye contact with yourself,
you notice that your eyes
are no longer the same shade of blue.
Your hair is longer and lighter,
your shoulders sag lower,
and the wrinkles at the corners
of your eyes are more defined.
You turn the knob on the sink
but the water takes longer to warm
than it did the night before.
Washing your face,
you hope that it’s all just an illusion.
You look up again and nothing’s changed.
Your heart starts to race,
you hope that it’s just an off morning
but your mind tells you that you know better.
Slowly, you take the few steps
back to your room and
look at the person lying
in the space beside yours.
You close your eyes and
open them once more.
Nothing, you feel nothing.
The person lying in your bed
is suddenly a stranger,
and then you realize,
so is the person inside of you.

I think it’s the way I write,
So you can’t cease my words
and you can’t see me
Wandering.
You try following me through a pool of thoughts.
To be what?
A friend?
A comfort?
But I read you.
You take it all back within seconds.
Maybe it’s the way I talk
So you don’t understand my language
Or grab it away
Like you can’t find me
Or like my thoughts
They’re hiding
I’m hiding
You’re hiding.
And I’m wondering.
Maybe it’s the way I observe, so closely catching any forbidden words,
I sing those that land in my ear.
I’m the outsider that knows every one of your expressions,
every movement you make,
I’m already 3 steps ahead of you.
My body watches closely,
Digs into every sound, a shovel to bury you underground.
Wouldn’t you know?
You never thought to look
Inside me, inside my words
Myself, only I carry a hate as conspicuous as the hate you give everyone who touches you.
But you know. Don’t you?
Everyone knows.
I know
But I wonder
I wonder, I wander, I’m trapped in a corner of pressure, unfinished business.
I don’t want you here, I don’t want you anywhere near me.
I can’t be stuck with you forever.
So I think I’ll walk myself back,
And crush your words.

I think it’s the way I write,
So you can’t cease my words
and you can’t see me
Wandering.
You try following me through a pool of thoughts.
To be what?
A friend?
A comfort?
But I read you.
You take it all back within seconds.
Maybe it’s the way I talk
So you don’t understand my language
Or grab it away
Like you can’t find me
Or like my thoughts
They’re hiding
I’m hiding
You’re hiding.
And I’m wondering.
Maybe it’s the way I observe, so closely catching any forbidden words,
I sing those that land in my ear.
I’m the outsider that knows every one of your expressions,
every movement you make,
I’m already 3 steps ahead of you.
My body watches closely,
Digs into every sound, a shovel to bury you underground.
Wouldn’t you know?
You never thought to look
Inside me, inside my words
Myself, only I carry a hate as conspicuous as the hate you give everyone who touches you.
But you know. Don’t you?
Everyone knows.
I know
But I wonder
I wonder, I wander, I’m trapped in a corner of pressure, unfinished business.
I don’t want you here, I don’t want you anywhere near me.
I can’t be stuck with you forever.
So I think I’ll walk myself back,
And crush your words.

I think it’s the way I write,
So you can’t cease my words
and you can’t see me
Wandering.
You try following me through a pool of thoughts.
To be what?
A friend?
A comfort?
But I read you.
You take it all back within seconds.
Maybe it’s the way I talk
So you don’t understand my language
Or grab it away
Like you can’t find me
Or like my thoughts
They’re hiding
I’m hiding
You’re hiding.
And I’m wondering.
Maybe it’s the way I observe, so closely catching any forbidden words,
I sing those that land in my ear.
I’m the outsider that knows every one of your expressions,
every movement you make,
I’m already 3 steps ahead of you.
My body watches closely,
Digs into every sound, a shovel to bury you underground.
Wouldn’t you know?
You never thought to look
Inside me, inside my words
Myself, only I carry a hate as conspicuous as the hate you give everyone who touches you.
But you know. Don’t you?
Everyone knows.
I know
But I wonder
I wonder, I wander, I’m trapped in a corner of pressure, unfinished business.
I don’t want you here, I don’t want you anywhere near me.
I can’t be stuck with you forever.
So I think I’ll walk myself back,
And crush your words.