maybe I should be optimistic
maybe if I said everything I thought instead of staring she wouldn't think I'm a creep
maybe not
maybe if I wrote her name a hundred more times I'd be able to start my homework
maybe if I think real hard she’ll telepathically hear my hi
maybe if I threw paint on me before I left my house she’d notice me
maybe I'm good without her, Jesus never had a girl
maybe I'm not Jesus
maybe I should just walk up to her and kiss her like in the movies
maybe I'd get arrested
maybe I should quit with the maybe’s
maybe
maybe good guys do finish last
maybe I'm cool with that (seriously?)
maybe not
maybe I'll stop thinking about her
one day,
maybe

sometimes i wish i was alone.
completely and utterly alone.
i wish i didn't have to worry about anyone or anything.
i want to be in charge of my own life.
as awful as it might sound i dont want to have a family.
i want to do what i want, when i want.
it seems nice, ya know?
not having to worry or fend for anyone but yourself?
no need to worry about grades because your parents wont yell at you.
i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted.
i have this dumb fantasy...
that one day i will be in a cafe, snow falling outside.
i would be sitting at a little table, drinking a cup of tea, reading a book.
and a cute boy will come up to me and we would just start talking.
no worries, no family, just us, no one else.
i know, its dumb, but its just my mind.
i guess id like to imagine that if i didn't have a family i could do all of this.
its just that sometimes the people we really love are the ones who hold us back the most.
and im tired of being held back, im tired of living my ordinary life.
i hate watching these tv shows because it makes me sad.
all of these people have such interesting lives.
being bit by a wolf, dating someone who your parents disapprove of, going off to magical lands where you never grow up, shrinking to the size of a mouse, fighting bad guys and saving mankind...  
it just seems like a live a normal life.
nothing ever happens and i feel like its because of my family.
they hold me back and prevent me from having fun, or seeking out adventure.
i want to live the life i want to live.
so im going to do dumb things, make mistakes, read, write, drink, go to parties and live my life. because im sick of people telling my how to live my life.

Can't you see me,
The pain in my eyes?
I'm used to this pain...
No body knows the real me.

Can you hear my heart cry?

I lay in bed at night.
I cry myself to sleep,
Hoping one day...
I won't awake.

Why you must ask?
       because, no one cares.
No one would cry over me.
No one on this earth would miss me.

As I lay in bed thinking,
My thoughts get worse.
And... I start to cut.

lust lost
lust found. in the corner of your pocket. the shadowy corner hidden in the crook of it.
right in the crook of it.
laser beams traveling across these vast lands and burning little paths
little paths in the deadly mountains.
who has disappeared here?
who was never remembered in these parts?

lost your luster
you've lost it, honey. it doesn't become you anymore.
those black coarse fabrics ain't gonna hide your shame anymore.
fuck off you misogynist pig. you want some of this/?
you want some of this prime pussy?
bet you never had any the same as this.
i'd sooner be clawed apart by those wolves in
those dark woods
than give you a taste.
run along, little lamby.

some days i just can't sit still
heavy chest
the thoughts are amplified
can you
hear
them, sugar/./

sound check.k.kkkk

seems good enough.
so let's start this motherfucking show.
oh, the actress drank herself into a stupor? too bad. the show
must
go
on.

Another day down! I started sleeping downstairs again. Much nicer in the cool damp basement. Alyssa and I are going clean out and scrub the place hopefully at the end of the week. It'll feel like a fresh start. I wont be constantly surrounded by our things that feel like a slap in the face. I can't stop myself from contacting her. I keep doing it. She's strictly business. She hasn't messaged me once asking how I'm doing. She's really moved on. I just lost my best friend and it hurts not being able to share my inner thoughts, hopes, and dreams with someone. I'm trying to tread the friendship ground but she says she needs space and I can't blame her. She's a tough one to let go. Right now I can't handle never seeing her smile again. I live for her smile. I need to let that go but it feels like I'm letting my own happiness go. Maybe that was part of what was wrong the whole time. I let her mood dictate mine, but you really should see that smile. It would make anybody's day.

After looking back on the last few years with depth and hind sight. I've realized that I never really took a look at myself and what I was doing to the people around me. The selfish glut is over and the stark reality of the bed I've made is terrifying. I'm slashed deep and wide and my emotions are flowing out and my most guarded feelings are being shared with complete strangers. I've begin to cry infront of far too many people. I met a man today who's wife just left him also and in one look we shared the shame of what we've done to those we adored the most. We fought back tears in control of our composer tripping slightly at the raw we couldn't hide. The insight I refused to use could of saved me the love of my life. Instead I hid in our time of need the emotions I felt because I lost a child and couldn't deal with the consequences that my actions brought me. I realize now that I hid my real self from that moment on. The fears and sarrow that I had felt before were paled by light pulled to the depths of this black hole in my heart. I tore myself apart and threw the vulnerable parts to the bottom of my soul. Inadvertently cutting off myself emotionally from everyone around me. I weep at the relationships I missed out on. I just swallowed my aderals and drowned myself in work. Telling myself that success at my job is what my wife needed. More pay, more things, more happiness. The whole time I was snubbing those around me in brash strokes. I look back on a version of myself as a scout tilling and planting a yard for an old lady and compare that to a man who wouldn't open the door for his wife. What did I think I was doing? On the way home each day after long nights at work, I'd drown my stress in a couple cigarettes, deep breaths of sweet death, just to get home and hide my life in a bowl of pot. Letting the white clouds engulf me in the sparkling mess I didn't want to face. Stripping myself from the crutches was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember following a co-worker all the way to his car for a cigarette, after I vowed to never buy another. After that my resolve was strengthened and I stopped getting high. Little did I know the darkness just layers beneath the skin that clawed itself to Alcohol. In gulps I drowned out my sanity and made way for demons within. I write as if this was the first time, and I wish so badly this was the last. The demon downed a bottled of aderal, trying to finally wipe this disgust from the face of the earth. At the same moment failing completely and letting another demon in. The birth of "Paranoid K.C." My drunken rampage was the beginning of the end. I accused her of cheating losely based on texts I can't remember, forever ending the trust we shared, and losing the security that I would be there for her by trying to kill myself. Those were the moments my acts smeared the hallow ground that was our first home. The place my wife so beautifully asked me to marry her. The hearts still hang in my room. The socks I wore wrapped in the elastic that she wore in her hair still lays hidden. Secret relics to the religion of our past. Three days straight I was awake after swallowing that bottle. The first I lied awake jumping at every sound within our house thinking that someone was breaking in. The second was bad, the cars that drove by were people attacking. The whole world a nightmare. I had a class at work that day, regrettably I attended. I knew full well my eyes were dialated like two endless holes gaping into my black soul. In one long gaze with eyes dramatically pronounced the teacher acknowledged he noticed without alerting the rest of the class. Or was that just, "Paranoid K.C."? I felt such shame. The third night, we drove all night while the imaginary people followed ready to attack us. From that moment on, they stopped giving me the aderal. Thats when I realized the addiction it had become. Picking up the pieces of our life we made best of the waste I had left. We moved again not able to stand the terrible memories I, K.C., had created. We moved and bought a third of my parents house desperate for a third chance. This was our new hope. Our fresh start and it was looking good. We'd well mended from our wounds and the foundations of trust were in the horizon. In flippant disregard to who and what I am, we celebrated our new found haven. The Alcohol poured forth and we partied at our new found luck unaware of what was comming. Two nights in a row I let the demons back again in three bottles of bitter bases. I remember nothing, so Alyssa filled me in. Not only that I hurt Alyssa but was verbally abusive. Yelling and telling her that I never trusted her. Making fresh wounds of old scars. Finalizing her grabbing enough confidence to let me go. She left because I was selfish, and I have to live with that everyday. She says its her fault to, but that's something I can't believe from a faithful wife who stuck with me through all that. I feel like I have brain washed her without either of us knowing. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE!!!!

Lets analyze
When did the symptoms start?

When did it start
Inflammation of the heart
Swelling of the lungs
Dryness of the throat
Sweating of the palms
Shortness
of
breath

How did the caring
commence?

Gradually
The way the waves slowly
Dull shards of glass into
Sand?
Or all of a sudden
The way that wave can drown
A man?

When did the symptoms begin?