I wish we could go back to over 3 or 4 yrs ago.....the beginning of summer....right after Michael Jackson died. The year was 2010. I was going to go to the art gallery in Beverly Hills that was displaying Michael jacksons personal items. I was on facebook watching all these Hoax videos and was becoming one to think maybe, just maybe he did fake his death. Then I saw in one of the videos that was showing the names of prescriptions that Michael Jackson would use over the years to obtain his meds. SOOOOOO I went on face book and was looking up the names.....(like mj is really going to use one of those if he did infact fake his death and start talking to me..) One of the names was Soule Shawn. I typed it in and a photo of Michael Jackson popped up but it wasn't the normal photo...it was a dark pic with a figure and you could tell it was Mj cus u could see the curl hanging down from the tip of the fedora. I clicked on the name and it said it was a private acct and u had to request the person to see if they wanted to let you on to their page and basically into their life. I clicked it and didn't think anything of it. A day or two later I went to go see what was going on with my buds and co workers and it said my friend request was accepted. I was all excited. The person wasn't on right then and I was so hoping it would be Mj....I left a message saying that I was grateful that he accepted it.....and did what I was on there to do and left. The next day I was on and it said I had a message. I clicked on it and it was from the person...I was all excited. all it said was a response to my message...it said and I wont ever forget it......."my pleasure". I was typing a response to his and was also saying that my friend and I were going to see mjs stuff on display and I made the comment of how I wish I had lots of money cus id want to buy some of his personal stuff......just then an instant thing popped up(I didn't even know u could talk like that to people that way on there) and it said "hello, how are u?" I got so nervous but answered.. "im fine and you?" We exchanged words for like an hour until he said he had to go. I was really interested in talking to him and seeing if he was infact Mj. He told me that I shouldn't waste my money on buying things of mjs cus I cant take it with me when I 'go' and I should cherish the memories I made and make and not be into materialistic artifacts. SO I didn't go see the display of things. Because the person was right , and I knew if I went I would blow all my money on a matchbook for like $400.00 or something really stupid. I couldn't wait until the next time we'd have a chance to talk cus I was bored and it was summer and I like to talk so I was really intrigued by my newly found friend. (more later)
Days come and go so fast and still I find myself mostly alone
yet, I always know you'll be there when I come home
that's really all I can ask
spontaneity and our gummy bear flask
best friends and you don't know the whole truth
that strangely makes me more comfortable around you
don't tread lightly
or think about my struggle nightly
feeling alone again
strange version of where this darkness began
now that you're far away
even our flask couldn't stay
it's been 20 days since you left me here
can't believe I have to wait a whole year
cause I need a best friend
to stop me from diving into the deep end
you always keep me on pace
suddenly feeling like I should start a high speed chase
so I can feel the adrenaline pumping hard
madness overcomes my body left scarred
feel myself pushing people away
don't want them to see me this way
gazing at the face of danger
turning myself into a stranger
I don't have anyone to keep me in line anymore
to ask me who I'm living for
you come back and I'll elude to my scandalous nights
recklessly leaping from great heights
cause when you walk too far alone
it's so easy to keep your secrets your own
when the sex and drugs consume me
I'll be a fucked up kind of free
that's what I want right now
when there's no one to hold me down
days come and go so fast and I still find myself mostly alone
can't wait till you come home
I missed your birthday that was last year
what got in the way was more than a tear
even though we have been far apart
now is the time to make a new start
I long for your touch and dream of your smile
and to share your days for a very long while
I guess we can take it day by day
I am hoping you're feeling in the same way
my love for you I carry still
I offer my heart, do what you will
They danced on the steps
Of the first methodist church,
Not caring who watched or
How their young feet hurt.
When the clouds rolled over
The sun and the wind ceased
To be breathing, they
Stopped their tom foolery and
Accepted that life sometimes is still.
They walked to the water.
There they saw the ships bound
Across the waves like rabbits
Or horses through golden tinted field.
They were scared for the sailor's,
The sailor's never knowing they
Were thinking of them at all.
After the water, leaving the sailor's
On their waves, they wandered to
The fishermen's docks, where
Crooked poles and wavering hulls
Stood erect and set pointed to the sun.
These were the men of patience
And respect, feeling death and life
Around them in dualistic harmony.
Because they held no lure or pole,
They watched the masters work as
Masters usually do. The sun trickled
Through thin white cloud and the
Wind pushed the twos hair over brow.
The masters were discontent
In their catch and their day. Their frowns
Showed their failure and they wished
That the cold winter weather
Would soon pass them and go away.
The two thinking of two different things,
Then conversed on where they should
Go to next. One said the tower, where she
Had never been before, and the other said
The park, where he had been many times.
Their differences were their love and
Their love was what kept them entwined.
Just then, in the heat of silent argument, a
Master pulled up hard on his bamboo like rod.
"A catch," the man screamed in his native tongue,
"I've got a catch here! Won't you see! Won't you see!"
The two scurried over to where the master
Stood, their eyes peeled to the end of his line. And
As the man reeled and reeled and reeled, he
Soon did reveal a battered tin can and a weathered old boot.
The master plopped the two on the crooked
Wooden dock, cursing to the God in his mind.
The two picked up the boot and the can and said,
"Thank you" and ran up the salty concrete strand.
As they reached their bus stop, they realized
What they'd done and started to laugh at all
Of their fun. The two giggled and cackled,
Screamed and roared, until the two could no longer
Take anymore. After a minute or two, the sky
Straightened out, turning full blue, so the birds
In the sky who soared and cooed, showed they
Really had no rules they were forced to uphold.
The two agreed for home. When their
Bus appeared, they both felt the same, seeing that
Living together was a much better game.
Tomorrow would be another start, just like
Today was another part of a puzzle never
To be finished, only taken to heart.
Doors slide open, you walk out in slow motion.
Just another day,
Trying to find a way
To make the pain subside
But you're broken inside
Trying to find a place to hide, but no need.
You're invisible. In your mind, you live life unseen.
Why does it hurt?
Why does it feel as if your shirt's too tight at the collar?
Struggling to breath.
Struggling to leave.
This space inside your heart.
Trying to forget. Undecided. Confused. Lost. Regret?
People fly by, trying to get by
Pushing their way through
Pushing right past you
Right by you
Right through you.
Fighting back to hold those tears
Trying not to show those fears.
Why? How? Does it have to be this way?
Why is there nothing left to say?
These thoughts float around in your mind and
Your life becomes simply... Grey.
Make a left around the corner,
Brush your hair aside,
Now you can't hide
Maybe it's time to start over...
Maybe it's time to let go...
Not everyone is angry
Not everyone is horrible
Not everyone is mean.
While you tried to go unseen, I saw you.
I saw you.
I felt what you were, heard what you thought, tasted what you craved
You're beauty so rare, so unique, so breath-taking, so mind-boggling, so heart-wrenching.
Did you think the world is blind?
Do you think for one second that you can stay out of my mind?! What mind..?
I lost that when I saw you.
And with my mind, my heart went too.
And crazy dreams I started chasing...
How did you expect to go unnoticed, when you're just so damn amazing?
Like black on white.
Like dark on light.
With strength and might you snatched my heart
Without realization of the cost.
Could it be that you're just a part of my imagination
Or is this just my hopes flying too high?
It can't be, not I. This isn't like me.
Why can't I see anyone but you?
You carry on through life
People pushing past you, flying by
And you think you're unnoticed.
Well how can this be?
Because the thing YOU didn't notice
Is that the one going unnoticed
Just so happens to be me.
Where to begin
How to start
All I have to do is
Take a breath. Go.
Say what you need to say
Highlight your main points
Oversee any changes,
Under and over with vocabulary
Let it flow through you
Definitely. Divide. Daft. Difference.
I think this is... I think.
Where do they lurk? Where can I find it?
Rather a difficult chore, it seems
I can hardly take it! No more!
Take me away! I almost... Just a little. I just can't....
Have you even gotten to your room at night and just start crying?
Not necessarily because you're sad,
But more because you're worn out and tired.
Tired of the drama.
The day to day bullshit.
One tear turns to two then three then four.
Before you know it you find yourself clenching a pillow to your chest begging
But the voices in your head they don't listen.
They keep spilling out words and attacking
forcing themselves to be heard
And my heart,
Oh my weary heart.
It begins to pound deep in my chest.
PLEASE GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY. I NEED SOME REST
But the do not seize, they just keep attacking as they please.
So I find myself rocking on the floor.
Head clamped between my hands.
maybe if I cover my ears they'll leave
But who am I kidding.
I can't hide.
I can't sleep.
I can't get away from the monster inside of me.
Those forts of hate
Were all so strong
But I couldn't reach out to her
Or crack her pride
And I cried
And I begged god to bring her back to me
And I died every night she wasn't in the lords hands
Then one faithful morning
I came to her and said
"Either you follow The Lord or I will have to leave you"
And she said "well then leave "
Then I said ".... No"
Then she replied "what?"
Then I said with all my faith unleashed " if you won't follow The Lord then neither will I because I love you..."
And then she said "no I will follow him just don't change yourself for me"
I said " I have to... Because.. I can't lose you again"
And she said with a tearful smile "now you never have to"
And that's how I got my wife to start believing in Christ
I literally put everything on the line
And all my faith broke through
It all broke through her pride
And I thank The Lord everyday
That it did
And I love him for it
Because I knew she was and always has been my wife
To live is to suffer
To die is in vein
Every facet of our lives
Etched with forever pain
Quenching our endless thirsts
Crying for relief
Not knowing how to cope with this
Endlessly stricken with grief
If only we knew that the key
Was to embrace it without question
Holding onto the pain we feel
The answer has always been in our possession
Stop up the well behind your eyes
Mend the holes in your heart
Smile to the pain inside
That is how to start
Give pain a chance
Learn to hold it tight
For once, you are able to,
Your joy can shine bright
As the mask slips off,
The truth begins to show.
A new feeling emerges,
One you have always known.
A feeling buried deep inside
Once was lost is now found
Now the love flows freely
Joy and peace are abound
So now you know the true path
The way to shed your pain
You realize that without agony,
You have no joy to gain.
There is no joy without suffering.
I feel very hopeless,
I feel the strength oozing out of me,
Pooling up on my bathroom floor- staring up mockingly.
I feel the vibrations of your voice, loud & clear,
They always know where to hit me, just like a spear.
I feel as if I do not belong anywhere I go,
I'm a laughing stock & guess who's the main attraction at this wicked show?
I feel my "loved ones" quickly drifting apart,
I was your rock but reality has crushed me down with a mighty start.
I feel the non believing eyes boring down,
None of you care as deeply as you claim, you'd rather I swallow my misery & hurriedly drown.
I feel you changing your mind about me,
I'm not the person you cleverly made me want to be.
I feel the stomps of your feet though I am thousands of miles far,
You make yourself believe you provided the necessary with a house & a car.
I feel the love I have for you slowly disintegrating,
It's funny how it's your world that is now changing.
I feel myself going crazy, completely insane,
& you're the only one who can carry that blame.
I feel the way this is going to end,
So let me get the blade, my old friend.