For thirty-three years I have been
the person for the abuse, power, and
long-suffering coming from others.
For thirty-three years, I've been ****** up.
My love may have seem real, but
to others love was surreal to fantasy.
I am *******-
the trail of the inevitable battles
over my head-
from uncle to brothers to
an angry *** grandfather who
took my dignity in the grave with him.
Yet, this uncle still walks freely
through the doors and walkways,
and up and down hills-
I am *******.
What justice I seek- only
a hush for repentance
and forgiveness- but I been
through the gates of hell-
from entrance to another,
his tool goes wild, and I am
forced to kick the teeth out of
his mouth-
And when growing and showing up
to the faces of the universe,
I have lived the fear of rejection and hate-
all I have experienced was rejection and hate.
There is no one who understands-
the story of my life.
The assaults of ***, physical abuse, and
tyranny I have was the demon I want no more.
The guilt of my mind-
the obedience of such gross fantasies
and the tears I share of lost
friendships have made an angry face.
But for thirty-three years nothing has
worked for me- there has to be a new path:
I had to seek repentance and forgiveness,
for hatred had to dispel from the love I
had for others.
This angry face had been exchanged
for a phat face-
the face of love, peace, and understanding;
it was the inspiration of a friend whom I
am now confused.
I am confused of dispelling love for hate
when I been living with fear.
Rejection and hate was my life-
and it became a demon in my life.
This person was drawn to my life to love me-
not love me physically,
but the love that shows my life
living in fantasy.
I was blamed to be a predator-
a reputation ruined by third party wanna-be's.
My fear was confirmed when rejection
called my name in the name of evil,
and hatred became what my friend used.
This was the person I never shared my
problems, because of his rejection.
Why was he a part of my life?
What brought us together?
I am not the **** in the closet-
I am the hetro living in the dark.
I had nowhere to go, and I
trusted that this could be discussed.
And here I thought I was weak.
I have been through so much
that it hurt me to see my best friend go.
I became angry faced-
the loss of friendship over
my actions, now blamed for
harassment and stalking when
I see surveillance in the eyes
of my life.
Why do I have to learn this lesson?
Who do I learn with?
Where is my understanding?
Why do they not understand?
I am none of the things the
universe declares me; and yet
no light they cannot see in me.
Why did you fake me?
Why do you block me of my
freedom to say my story?
What is your story?
What love do you have if
someone sniped me?
I changed my view on love,
because the hate I've been
misjudged on for thirty-three years.
This ******* society is so messed up;
I have to live according to a
controlling and confused society.
You are like the rest-
put an act on, in front of friends,
and then when trouble comes
or the annoying person is
around, your on your way
to the hermit station.
I do not understand you;
I was not able to find
peace within you; and
I am confused about your love.
In fact, the only confirmation
I got was when someone else
said I tricked them until a
business gig that was never paid.
And when I was blamed for lying,
I knew you people only put me out.
The most hateful thing to do is to lie
about one thing to save your reputation
to ruin others.
The reality is that you place angry faces
on those you love, but do not
understand agape for your own fantasies
are stuck elsewhere.
I am still trying to put the pieces together,
but I do know where the missing pieces are-
they are connected to you-
Until you understand the agape love-
we will both be missing love and peace
for each other in disguised of hatred.
You only hide me to forget me,
but it is the Heavenly hosts who destined us.
I now seek spiritual guidance;
I need to forget you;
I need to understand why I should;
And while I wish you begin to
understand, I realize that this, too
only a fantasy.
I only ask that someone take away
this rejection and hatred from me.
I fear that I will not see my
friend, again-
but who wants someone in their
life who is not understanding,
always faking me in front of others
than hiding me inside a closet-
abusing power over love?
I only know rejection and pain,
who wants to introduce me to
the Happy Face?
It is music which I found you;
It was the creative mind-
when you turned to the left side,
your subconscious has taken away
the right brain empathy,
which was taken for me.
Only hope is what is left;
The hope for new
found agape love and peace.
Let me allow my story-
let me allow my understanding;
let me allow you to tell me.
This poem could be quite graphic,due to the intended message of abuse, obsession, assault, and the fact that I lost friends who gave me more pain. The idea of this poem is to allow people the opportunity to feel free to express their situation, and to let others who been through this know that I am feeling their pain, too.
