I never thought I'd have to see her like this so soon. So young. So cold.
I should have listened to her. I should have talked to her more. Seen her more. She always asked me why I seemed so distant from her, I always got frustrated and denied it.
Now she's the distant one.
We would argue often. About communication. Our feelings. Her feelings. She had a very hard life. A violent alcoholic father. She grew up untainted by her surroundings, but scarred. Chronic Anxiety and Depression. She would cry often, and get mad and angry for sometimes no reason. She said she didn't know why it happened; it just did, and that I couldn't understand. That made me angry. Even though she was right; I really couldn't.
I haven't had an easy life in the past few years, but it doesn't compare to hers. I didn't know what is was like to be as depressed as she was. To be as anxious as she was. She would always check up on me, because she always worried about me. I myself, just took it and never did it for her.
What a mistake.
I remember my 17th birthday. She was more excited than I was, and couldn't wait for me to finally see what she had done for me. She was adorable when she talked about it. I spent the day with her and she made me a homemade card themed my favorite video game, and a Key Lime pie from scratch. I love Key Lime pie.
How I wish we could make it together, one last time.
A couple days after my birthday, a package she ordered came and she was ecstatic for me to finally have it. They were custom made genuine dog tags. They had my information on one tag, and a personalized message from her on the other. Her message read, "KNOWING YOU HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND LOVING YOU HAS MADE MY WORLD." I wear them everywhere, even to today.
But when her birthday came around, I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. She was really upset, and I felt guilty when she mentioned it, so I never did get her anything; I felt it was too late.
Whenever she was happy, she shined brighter than the sun. She smiled and laughed and was goofy. She would make up little songs about how much she loved me, and she would do anything for me. Now, I can only imagine how she felt when I left for the night, not doing anything for her.
I knew she had had problems even before she met me. I knew she was chronically sad. I knew she had always been a rock, but had slowly started to erode and needed someone.
Why was I so selfish!?
I notice her mother is crying. Hysterically. They were so close. Her mom was so nice, always inviting me over and cooking for me even when they didn't have much food. Now, she looks like an empty husk of what she used to be. Crumpled on the floor, covered in her own tears, mourning the loss of her world.
Her younger brother sits with their dad, hugging and crying on each other, as well as the rest of her family. You can almost smell the saltiness in the air from all of the tears.
I've cried as much as I can. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn't want to believe she was gone. But eventually I screamed, bawled and raged at my loss. She was the only thing that mattered to me.
Now I stand here, silent and empty. My mind is numb, and all I can do is stare at her. Eyes closed, chest still, but still so beautiful. I had to battle with myself to even come and deal with seeing her like this. I finally move my stiff hand towards her curly hair and stroke it, and slowly move my hand to her shoulder. I imagine her opening her eyes and smiling at me with one of her beaming smiles. But I know it won't happen, and that's when the tears come.
I'll never see her smile, feel her lips against mine, hug her small body again. I can never hear her sweet voice again, telling me "I love you." With a glow in her eyes.
Why didn't I show her how much she meant to me? Why couldn't I swallow my pride and be a little more caring and thoughtful for her the way she never failed to be for me? Why? I'm sobbing now. I collapse to my knees and rest my hand over hers. She's freezing. I rub her hands instinctively as if it will warm them up, but it doesn't.
I just want her to wake up. I feel as if it's my fault she's in eternal silence now. Apart of the world beyond, when I want her so desperately to be back here with me. I don't want her to leave me. I feel as if I can't live without her, she was the only one I'd ever truly loved, but in the end I failed her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I should have shown her more instead of using only my words!
I slowly stand up still covered in my tears, and stare at her sleeping body. I watch as one drips down onto her expressionless face. I use my thumb to gently wipe my tear away, just as I used to wipe hers. Now all I can do is think about what could have been, what I could have done, and what will never be.
"I'll miss you." I whispering through my sore choked throat, and kiss her cold forehead.
"I love you."
Today you finally did it
You took the knife and pierced my heart
You've done your damage
You say you care about me
You say that you love me
If you loved me you wouldn't be hurting me
If you cared about me you wouldn't have abandoned me when I needed you
If you cared about anything that has to do with me
You wouldn't have broken me
You have done it, Hun.
You have finally broken me
But guess what, Hun?
I'm not going to be crying or down
I'll be smiling and prancing around
Because I know that it is time to go and to never come back
I have people here who will appreciate me
I'll learn from you
You are my mistake
"My birthday is in 5 days :3 I get excited like a kid ((:"
"You are like the sun light streaking through my window of life every morning, reminding me how blessed I am.... "
"My vocabulary linguistics can't fathom let alone transcend into expression the intense profound passion driven emotions I feel for you. It's called love, with a pinch of deep passion <3"
"The intensity of the feeling, the warmth in my stomach every time I say I love you, the passion of my heart ... It's like a very new and different, special feeling.. "
"I know you are smiling, you were smiling reading what I had to say and that's exactly how I know you look the most beautiful - smiling <3"
"I was at the hospital today, the doctor said I'd be fine. Don't ask for what or why, please."
"Best of luck........"
All the stuff you used to say to me. Everything.
I have them all imprinted on my mind,
in that secret corner that I dedicated as the space for you.
It's all there, everything.
From the first word you said to me,
till the last word.
They're all there, spinning around in my mind.
I woke up this morning with a tear stained face.
It seems like that's the only way I find myself
when I'm all alone or when I wake up these days,
With a tear stained face.
This morning, I washed away the tear stains and put on a big smile.
Pretended that I was okay. That nothing was bothering me.
What they say is true,
"the happiest of them are the ones who cry themselves to sleep."
You should talk to my pillow some time.
It'll tell you the truth.
That you're all I think about when I'm asleep.
You're always on my mind.
You've given me too much to remember, I can't forget you now.
It's too hard. I take this as punishment for letting you go.
9th December 2013 now.
At this exact moment, you're no longer 16.
15 more days, and I'll be as old as you were just 15 days before.
You're One year older than me.
I'm One year younger than you.
Wait for me to catch up please.
This race with time is driving me crazy now.
It's moving too fast.
I'm tripping too much.
I'm falling too hard.
It's getting harder to get up every day.
But I wont stop.
No matter what, I'll keep running.
'Cause I live with a hope that you'll come back some day.
They say you wont. That I'm being stupid. But deep in my heart,
I know you will come back. I really do.
Prove them wrong, my love. Come back.
And we'll knucklebump one more time and start off from right where we left,
Cause after you get here, nothing will be wrong again.
Till you get back, I'll just settle down by wishing you a very happy birthday [on here].
consistency is hard to come by
he stands stoically there
but when the girl fights back, he'll intervene
dissociating, illusory life
smiling as she lay down to sleep at night
knowing she can use her imagination to reassure, surely, sure
that this isn't really her life
what a silly dream i had today...lasted about 17 hours
you're the only one I look to for advice
for when I am low.
I can go forward and I do know which way i'm facing,
but i'm scared.
will I ever get there?
If you were here today, you'd help me so
like you've helped all the poor souls,
through your songs that will never die.
they shout out your name all the time.
and will do for eternity
as you never leave a persons mind.
and if you were still here today,
the world would be smiling
as we'd share the same air and share the same dreams.
you're not the only one.
You gave me a tea bag
And it dried up on the shelf
There's exactly four burns on my hand
One for every time I wanted you to notice
Another six for the times
You weren't there at all
I love you, I do
But you'll never understand
This side to me
she was soaking in the crimson red bath
and it wasn’t water
it wasn’t champagne either
rewinding to the day
he went running in the wood with his son
laughing, joking they were
the sky turns rouge
just like the color of her cheek
blushing from the heat of the oven
waiting for them at home
It all happened so fast
If his mind is like the black box on the aeroplane
then they found
a flash of an animal
startled by his car headlights
frozen to the spot
then what once lucid became the color of her hair
snow white’s jet-black.
fast forward to the day
two old couples sitting side by side
no words were uttered
it’s the most beautiful time of the year
outside was a celebration of color
lights flickering yellow
Christmas trees viridescence
the child’s cherry colored pom pom
but all that got a shade brighter
thanks to heaps and heaps of snow
not ivory but transparent
like those droplets
running from the corner of the dad’s eyes.
I did not wake like you did;
With the nausea
Of too much alcohol
Fuzzing up your head
And the feeling that
Something was wrong
Clinging to you like
bad taste to the tongue
No no, my morning
Felt like the blurred
Shapes dancing in
A thousand colours
On your ceiling,
And the euphoric feeling
As a patient on morphine
When pain Finally slips off
And the whistle
Of the breeze heard
From under the tree
By one sat amongst
The fallen leaves
Anyway, I think it was about
Three; We were on a train
and it was winding languidly
Through the dull new day
When it hit me just how much
my jaw hurt,
I honestly could not say
Just how much
It hurt from smiling.
As I wake up on a cold park bench
With pebbles being thrown at me
My clothes are torn and I smell a stench
Of alcohol reeking from me
As I rub my icy blue hands
Over my hungover face and dark eyes
I wince as I try to stand
I double over and muffle a cry
What is she doing?
I hear the dirty whispers of passer-byes
With sideway glances and pursed lips
As if I was deaf and blind
To my worn out clothes and rips
When's the time?
Asked the barista at 9 a.m.
"Living on the streets for months"
"Come on, you don't give a damn"
And I know he's smiling with smug triumph
What can I do?
I heard an old lady say from the corner shop
I smiled: "maybe a time machine would do
Or a job or a home or for the prices to drop
But you're too kind, I don't want to bother you"
So what is there to do
And what is the point
Of questions I can't answer
And people that disappoint?
Look at me, drunk and homeless
Who here did I not anger?
And look at them, fulfilled and blessed
Who's the obvious winner?
Could you ever shamelessly answer?
How can it be that whatever wrong we do,
You always forgive and find the silver-lining.
The things you do, we cannot repay,
So we spend our days just trying.
Possessor of unconditional love,
The world will bow down to you,
Out of respect and loyalty.
In a way, we're saying...we love you too
That smile of yours is infectious,
Somehow we can never stay mad.
I'll do what I can to make sure
No one will ever make you sad.
Keep smiling because the world will smile back at you,
You know that I only speak what is true.
Madame, you come from God in heaven,
Everything will start and end with you.