My droopy eyelids ache as if I saw the sight of the sun,
Walking silently, but swiftly; motionlessly into her arms
I hear the fragile air passing through her lungs
I feel the delicate pulse of her neck
The fragile but weak heartbeat; beating down the seconds
I thought I felt nothing
Thinking it would only satisfy my cravings
as her life slowly became mine I dared not to look
But her faint smile overwhelmed me
The sweet sanguine fluid flowing down her body
Onto my lips
The only time I feel alive again is in this moment
Until my cravings are gone and the despair numbs me once more
I can see through her eyes
Her vision distorts me from her sight
Not knowing who she is or why she let me gaze upon
Her image, but it's one image I will never forget
An image I won't want to lose
A second more and she subsides
A second less and she subsists
For each second I felt her neck
The first time I felt my heart
And for each pulse I felt
The more human I became.
I shouldn't miss you but I do
It’s too late
I miss all the ways you used to pull me in
Windows down, music blaring
The best of us
I was your best friend
Those where the best days
I shouldn't miss you but I do
And it’s too late
As I sit here looking out
At the cold winters rain
I can’t get your voice and your laugh out of my head
My mind can’t think straight
Your green eyes seared into my brain
You skin and hands, I loved them
Because I loved you
You said id always be your best friend
Shows how naive I was to believe you
I shouldn't miss you but I am
I was a disaster abandoned
I wasn't sure I would live
It’s been three years now
I’m pretty sure I got over you
But why is it so hard to not remember
All of the things we did
Places we’d been
I wish I could wipe you out of my memory
Because that’s what you did with me
Any one could see
Only if they knew the difference
Of how you used to be
When I was with you.
I miss the way we’d laugh
Cry and carry on about how are parents are so bad
Drive around because we had nothing better to do
But that was fine because
We had fun no matter what we would do
So I hope you miss the smile on my face
They way id play with your hair when you where tired
On a rainy day
I hope you miss the way I would say "I love you!”
And how we thought
Forever and Always
No one would have thought it would end at all
Because of how we used play
Like children, I was in love
But never knew it
Till it was too late
Sadness is a stone
washed over with tears,
rubbed over and over,
until it is so smooth you have no reason to keep it.
Most take their stones
and make a path over water,
trading their small ones for larger ones,
realizing the weight does not make a difference
in how they strike.
You carry many stones
of your own volition,
you are bruised all over,
your stones attached to your feet,
your hands filled with shards.
I cannot help you so I take mine
You smile and tell me not to worry,
but I cannot help thinking you will walk too far
without putting any stones down.
I will watch you sink,
scouring an edged rock the size of my heart
until it is guiltless and placid
and my hands are bleeding.
Can't we just pretend it's love?
'Cause for now
It would be
Damn near perfect
To have you making me coffee
In the morning
You hate the taste
To have you wrap yourself around me
Even though it's a Tuesday
And we have chores
To hold your hand
And massage its callouses
And to make you smile
I know you want it too
So please let's pretend it's love?
Basking in the safe, smooth, heat
of her love
I am transported to soft clouds bouncing gracefully into green mountains
plush foam stuffed animals fall wistfully from pastel skies
and we spin, hand in hand…smiling
swollen heart nearly bursting with joy
radiating heat and light onto those around me
filling children with unbridled ecstasy as if ice cream waterfalls
fell into cotton candy pools
elation encompasses me with the realization that this love in not unrequited
but, is instead returned with the same vigor and fervor
experienced by triumphant athletes or politicians
winning glazed with success
and her smile attracts my eyes and I feel warm
and her scent stirs my loins
her existence embodies my desires and I weep
overcome and underserving
just a man, and more, just a human
but enough for her
perfect for her
we share an embrace
feeling it pass between us
Today I will make a difference
A clean slate
A new start
I'll clear those cobwebs
From my mind
Dust those scars
Around my heart
I'll switch on my new thoughts
Wear my smile
Try my best
To help others
In the hope
I do things right
Taking this opportunity
Putting all the past behind
My~mind ~my heart ~
With he )
Who said )
("All who seek shall find")
The kid whose mom always prefaced his introduction with "he's a little shy". He wasn't shy, he was careful, careful from an early age to speak only the most particular of words after seeing how it was a careless choice of words that tore his parents apart. This was the kid who could hear his father yelling and his mother crying but lacked the courage to leave his post at the bottom of the stairs and give his mom a hug. He knew that was all she really needed.
He knew from an early age all he required for a sound nights sleep was a hug and kiss from his dad. This is the kid who would stay up, wordless, into the night wondering if he was safe. As the evening waned and the hours passed he'd never think that his dad forgot. Daddy never forgets. It became his mantra and as he fell into a deep meditative state he would have the same dream as he ever had on those hug less nights. Waking up the next morning he could always recall that warm blanket of a hug because after all, daddy never forgets..
Be the kid who held his hand over his heart during the morning pledge but never volunteered to say it over the speakers because he hated the sound of his own voice. His teacher would bring it up at parent teacher night but his mom always stood up for him "he's just shy". Upon returning home they would ask how his day was and he would smile, shrug, and fall into them, simply awaiting that embrace.
Be the kid who, when his parents finally divorced, never asked them what happened. He never asked them because what if his words had the same effect? Words were lava and if you fell into them you would die. So instead you choose life. On walks home from school, hopping from stone to stone, you never squished an ant or trashed a nest, you cried for the first time when your dog died because nothing ever loved you like he did. He never said a word yet he understood you better than anyone ever did and the thought of coming home and not seeing him basking in the sunlight under his favorite spot in the living room made you bawl.
That night you would have a dream about heaven, place where you could visit in your sleep, a place where upon opening ones mouth sunbeams burst forth hot enough to bask in but never enough to burn.
Be the kid whose most anxious night was spent at that first middle school dance. Boys and girls dancing and the compulsion within him to do the same was palpable. Sure he could have danced alone but He didn't want to dance alone. He wanted to dance with that little girl sitting down by the Coke machine. The one with the frilly dress down to her knees, red band in her hair, and bangs that begged the question "where do i get me one of those. You should be this kid because he actually paid attention when his parents were watching their old movies. You would walk up to that girl and without a word look down into her eyes and for a moment forget why it is that you walked over, but when you finally came too you'd remember that scene from that old black and white movie and put your hand out just like Humphrey bugarr did - at least you think that was his name.
Be this kid because while everyone else was awkwardly moving and swaying like branches in the wind you knew how to hold someone. You knew how to have a conversation without words and this night you two were writing novels. What song was playing? No clue, she'll get mad at you one day for not remembering and you'll be surprised when it was something as stupid as 'I want it that way'.
This is the kid whose favorite nights were spent in her car after driving you home. This is the same kid who when she told him she loved him all he could think was "how can I see you so well when the porch light isn't even on?” She says again, hey - you silly goose, did you hear me? I said I love you. Be this kid because you weren't stupid like everyone else and said "I think I love you too". You grabbed her face and kissed her and for that moment both your worlds stood still. Stagnant in that pregnant pause, just before you broke, you’d catch her gaze and simply smile, warm as heaven.
Be this kid because you would never have a problem with people not liking you. You were far too observant to fall into that trap. Everyone hated the bullies and just called them jerks. The class clown was entertaining but everyone said he was dumb. The girls in the lunchroom seemed never to have anything nice to say about Jennifer and Lindsey and you couldn't even finish your lunch because you just wanted to slam your hands on the table and yell "no Sam, he doesn't like you. Maybe you should actually let him talk instead of complaining about how you don't like his friends. Next time you see him don't beg him for his jacket because, fuck, it’s really cold at the skating rink in December. He told you he was taking you to the rinks, why didn't you bring your own damn jacket?
But you would never actually say that, because people would label you judgmental. Rather, remain in peace as the quiet kid because no one could ever put a label on you with any certainty. Sure they could say you were mean, more likely they would say you're weird, but you had loyal friends. Friends who upon hearing that would ask "Really? He's weird? Why is he weird hmm?” Their rebuttal was always "I mean...I dunno, he just really weird, I guess". You would never give them an actual reason to hate you. The meanest things they could ever say about you would be opinion. Opinions are like really big tits. Full and generally well rounded, but in the end it was the real stuff you were after.
Be the quiet kid because your silence would show strength. When she breaks up with you through oceans and sands miles away over the phone you won't say a word. She won't be able to see the look of devastation in your eyes and she'll feel terrible for doing it. She would tell her friends that you were so strong. "He didn't yell he, he didn't argue, he didn't ask me if there was another guy, he didn't even cry". Yeah. You cried. But she would never know how much.
Be the quiet kid who always meets someone else. The quiet kid who will draw in strangers because they can feel his energy, they're figuratively and literally moved by it. They sit down next to you across the bench and introduce themselves with a perfectly innocent "whatcha reading?” Which you think is a dumb question because the words “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime” were clearly printed in large yellow text on both the front and back covers. Simple trivialities.
Be the quiet kid because the quiet kid will become a quiet man, a quiet man who people could always turn to as their rock. You are stable, you are certain, and you always display your emotions because how else would you speak?
Be the quiet kid because the quiet man will have quiet children, and their children will be quiet and the children after them will be quiet too. Be the quiet kid because you and all your quiet children will never forget to give your kids their goodnight hug.
How do you stop crying inside
Pretend everything okay
when it's not
Put on a brave face
in other words a mask
People ask how are you
You force a smile and say fine.
Fine when you are crumbing inside
And everything seems bleak
You cannot see the sunny side of things.
When there is no hope
and you feel like
What do you hold on too.
Of course that is okay
You have good days
and you have your bad days
Who on earth encourages you
When you feel so low
For many have a faith in God
Others it is there family
or it may be there friends
But what is you do not have
Well that's were you come in
when your out strolling in the park
with your dog
Remember to smile or say hello
You just might help someone
on there way...
"Dear Diary" I wrote at the top of the page. I've turned to these wretched pages because I have no one else to turn to.
I have been wanting to runaway for sometime now. I have an estranged sense of nostalgia towards places I haven't even been to.
Did you know that you shattered my heart? That a shard of organ lacerated my ribcage? & so I've concluded...
That perhaps one day, when I'm 22, I will cut my hair short and runaway to new york and try to find a big sweet apple they've always talked about.
I will disregard my birth name and I will end up telling everyone I meet that my name is Aphrodite, but I am not greek nor am I a lover. I'll write poetry. The good poetry and the bad poetry. I'll write poetry the way you left me, blank eyed and confusing. And if I fall in love again, let him be just like you.
Laugh as sentimental as 100yr old harpist.
Smile as transfixing as a dim star, on a moonless night
Eye's as beautiful as the sun..
But just as the sun, I never could stare to long.
In icy dreams of the present’s past
Holed up in eternity
Surrounded by the wisest fools
Younger than I
Older than Time, so I’ve been told
Floating back through wisps of memory
Drenched in nostalgic gleam
I pick up pieces of naive me
And smile for the love of innocence -
The childlike warmth of Ancient New
Like watching clouds dance over Naked Sun
Ah yes. And so roads converge, again and again,
twisting infinitely through the cosmos, the heavens,
manifesting encounters with the personified void
In angelic form, dancing, beads, hair like silk
In desert exotic, caves of rustic sunset come dawning night
In solitude plane, contemplation erases nervousness
In tunnel of depth, going deeper and deeper and deeper,
In glowing brilliance, magnifying illumination of nothingness,
In transcendent beauty of body and mind,
In the arms, in the embrace, of the Universal Womb of All Life,
There exists no thought, no worry, no noise, no pollution,
Like the waterfalls
Or the ocean tides
Flow away on dreams and believe in anything