As the sands of time
Slowly slither, silently on
As you try to grab a hold
It siphons through your fingertips
The harder you squeeze
The faster the flow
But when you open your hand
Spread your fingers wide
a small pile settles in the palm

When you hold on
It suffocates suddenly, simply still
But loosen your grip
And life flourishes as you will
Change is the only constant
Always remember the simple truth, that  
people are in your life for three reasons:
For a reason
for a season
or for a lifetime

Each one as important as the other
but none so important that you can't live without
each one just a lesson learnt
So be grateful for each moment well spent
Because after all...
All we ever seem to do is say goodbye

Little did I know, that one day,
Oh you, dark stranger would whisk me away,
Away from a world, I once took for granted.
Depriving me of the things that I valued,
Most dearly..Most devoutly...

O, dark stranger!
Why, O why...
Did you inevitably have to make me appreciate,
The fact that life is precious and far too short,
And that I could die tomorrow..?

Just what satisfaction do you get,
In making me cherish,
Every minute that He gives us?
In bereaving me of,
The gift of laughter..that is priceless?

Before you attacked me in the shadows,
I had not a clue that
This life was a treasure chest,
Rich in diamonds and gemstones of all sorts,
Or perhaps that it will be snuffed out and finished.

Unbeknownst to me,
Precisely how vulnerable and elusive,
For the misconduct of a handful of cells,
Could change my life so profoundly,
That happiness plays like a sad note.

Bounded to my bed,
Never shall I forget how you pinned me down.
Shut off in the small world of my own,
Unable to help, to meet or to work with
Break out, be of importance, perform marvels for God almighty.

You ponder how people can rejuvenate,
Or gather close to you.
Sympathy, inspiration, foodstuffs together with prayer,
Refreshing menu from the small yard,
Encompassed by care and attention.

What potency lay within me,
Reserve of power
Just been released just as much as I require,
To acquire in the battle,
Against you, dark stranger.

My grade school
burned down
twice.
Once in the 1930's
then again  in
the 50's.
They rebuilt,
there were two
large black and white
framed photographs
of the school houses
before both fires
hanging in the
main hallway.
At some point in
the reconstruction
someone had decided
on two boys
restrooms.
The one at ground level
was always clean.
There were small white
tiles and fresh blue paint.
It always smelled like
pine cleaner,
never ran out of
papertowels.
There was always
sweet smelling
liquid soap in the
shinny silver dispensers.
There were doors with
shinny silver
locks on the stalls.
It was a timeless
space,
prestine and somehow
preserved.
Free and unscathed
by the ugliness of
the world.
Then there was the other
one.
The basement  restroom
was below ground.
There were windows
with wire cages over them.
Their view allowed
a look at the scabbed knees
of the children
who ran about the
hot black top of
the playground.
There were no doors on
the stalls,
yellow stains beneath
every leaky
urnial.
Smears of rust around the
faucets ,
a coarse hand soap
in the often broken
dispensers.
More fit for prisoners
than students.
It smelled like
piss and was always
cold.
I don't know why
one was always cleaner
than the other.
Maybe it was an
unwritten janitor
law.
Maybe they seen it
as somehow lower
than the other.
I always chose the
basement restroom.
It just seemed more
natural to me,
it made me feel strong,
made it all more real.
Now after so many
hardships I can't help
but look back and
remember.
often while high or drunk.
Then ponder the question.
"Have I always been
meant to live in a dirty,
harsh environment,
even way back then?"

I'm still hung up
like:
I’m a shirt on a hanger
emotions on my sleeve
seems everything tailored
excuse me
if I’m brief
or I’m sounding like a boxer but my curiosity
leads to me being awkward
so,
miss;
see.
I’m begging for your pardon
or at least a small chance to be a tulip in your
garden
a chance to be a stand out from all the grass that
gets you bothered or a chance at second glance the
solution to your problem

Today I walked into Barnes and Noble to buy my summer reading book which just so happens to be super thick and it's 1930s science fiction (kill me now!) Anyways, while we're there, out of curiosity, I asked if they had any John Green books (because everywhere else, they're either sold out or on hold) and they did. The lady brought me to a table. A few of my friends had recommended his works. Scanning the table of books, unsure of what to chose, a guy walks up to me. He looks about my age, maybe a year or so older. He's pretty cute, which is quite the pleasant surprise because usually guys don't talk to me. He says, pointing to The Fault in Our Stars, "I couldn't help but kind of overhear you talking, but I read this and it was amazing." He points at Looking for Alaska. "My girlfriend read this... said it was pretty good." So I say thanks and something awkward like 'I'll have to check it out,' and get The Fault in Our Stars. This small gesture has restored my hope in our generation. The guys in my school are mostly arrogant airheads with no taste in music, in my opinion, anyway. In addition to this experience with a stranger, today, while at a shopping center, I saw a girl wearing a 5 Seconds of Summer shirt, as I had mine on, too. I complimented her and she smiled and said, "Thanks, you too." This small gesture has also restored my hope in our generation. Today I learned that not everyone sucks and that makes me really happy. I guess that if you put yourself out there, ever so slightly, in the right places, you might learn things or make new friends.  What if I'd talked to the girl about 5SOS? Or asked the guy about other books he's read? There are so many opportunities every single day to improve the quality of our lives and we pass them up, because they're things that are thought of as small, but can have huge impacts. I believe that if each and everyone of us tried, just a little bit, to talk to  strangers, the world would be a better place. Not everyone wants to hurt you. I'm not saying to invite some random person  into your house, but to talk to people with common interests, or compliment someone on their shirt. Little things like that, as they did to me, can make someone's day. I walk to my mom with a pile of books. She turns to me and says, "Since when did cute boys talk to you at bookstores?"

i know what newton tells us

i know countries and continents and cities

i know the planets and their moons

but i did not know the galaxy of my body the planets that are my organs or the nebula of my mind
until you showed me

you taught me and showed me and led me with course hands and eyes deeper than any space i have ever traveled.  you caught me in your gravity when you showed me ribosomes and platelets and when you traced my veins like they were a map you needed to follow without even knowing where it would take you. you told me the cosmos are forever but the body dies and that is far more beautiful than any atmosphere or supernova. i want to chart the stars on your skin with my mouth and i want to show you the taste of an atom and i want to teach you what overexposure to your radiation does to me but you are already laughing and telling me that something as small as you does not deserve the attention of the universe.

when i said i wish i had never met you

i told the truth

the universe was easier to comprehend

when it was only dead stars

instead of the way you look at me

In tightly guarded dreams,
I wisked away from you.
A seed once planted,
But never bloomed.

Blue eyes, and my nose,
Your cheeks, and chin,
Bright eyed beauty,
With your stubborness within.

The pink bare skin,
And squinted eyes,
Sniffly nose,
And smell devine,

Fitted mitts over scrunchy fingers,
Gentle rocking putting me to sleep,
Swaddled tightly in my arms,
Listening to my heart beat,

I lay you next to mom(once my love now graduated)
A small kiss while I lay you down,
But only slightly stirring,
When my gruffly face gives you a frown,

I stare completely bewildered,
At my passion for my wife,
The greatest gift she's givin me,
Is the gift of life.

Her beauty simply beaming,
From her sleeping state,
I know I have to kiss her
Before she lies awake.

Instead we are just strangers,
Locked together by a vow,
A question you once asked,
But doesn't matter now.

I never stop loving you,
I never stopped wanting to make it work,
I just need your honesty,
I just need you to be for sure,

Talk to me if you need things,
Like sparks or flames or fire,
Let me be your confidant,
For each and every one of your desires,

You need not search for beauty,
Because you possess it all,
I wish that I could show you,
But you wont here my call,

Please give this a chance,
Its not worth it to throw it all away,
I can help heal your wounded heart,
I can help you want to stay,

Not everything was bad,
Not everything was tired,
Just open up to me,
And we can feel inspired,

I love you Lyss,
Your mean more to me then anything,
I'd pack my bags right now,
If you want to leave.

Hear me please,
Don't just ignore this,
I love you Lyss.

What a sad plea for broken dreams and a child that I lost. I know now that I for sure want kids!

Once again I find myself in the same place as the last time she left me. Even less friends and even fewer reasons to live. I've gone in one large circle but now with far less and more responsibility. She's cost me dearly and my heart aches at her thought. I would have died to save her, and gone through hell to make her happy. I guess, where do I go from here, is the question I need to answer? I know, "its not stopping til its over." I feel so juvenile in my pleas. Life is so out of control, in one giant sweep knocking me over and scraping my knees, just to see if I will break. I'm surrounded by her, and she's left me in this waste. She still says she loves me, but who could love a wraith? The essence of our exsistence lies with me. Weeping quite sadly at distant memories. The small such simple things, shopping at the Smiths in South Jordan, the pipes we smoked, the wines we drank, ring like hallow prayers to the tragedies we faced. The loss of our child, the parents divorce, the parents who hurt me, the addictions we nursed. When sickness and pain were cruel companions, we grabbed tightly to each other, now I'm grabbing at nothing. I'm grasping to words like they will save me... I love you Alyssa.