What if I told you
you are wanted
I have seen many openly contemplate
to take your own life
you have all heard this
many who contemplate suicide
forget that they are loved
forget that they are wanted
by others on his god-forsaken world
It is a deadly thing to forget
don't let it get out of your
the anthem of the lonely
is the subtle ticking of a clock
a bomb preparing to explode
a cola can gathering pressure
a planet with crumbling plates
i am lonely sometimes
i know what true desolation is like
it is a slow aching
i am subject to quick fits of rage
i rarely fall in love
but when i do i am completely and ultimately committed and lost to it
in hope that i have finally found a truly close friend
we learn to be let down
we learn to cope
we are the strongest
those of us that are not destroyed early on
the thin white and pink
scars are not a solution
i have seen that
i drain the emotions through
i drain the emotions through
Lorde music and
your small sonnets
are a curious sensation
i feel that burning in the back of my
head, as my hands touch the keyboard to
try to express my appreciation for your work
most responses are terminated
your voice is loud
and your clothing is louder
your writing is poetry
and your poetry is art
i detest you
yet i feel a need to
you seem worthwhile
you remind me a little of myself
the part that never speaks
and that frightens me
i feel as if you will get to know me
better than i know myself
i could never meet a trespasser
of that caliber
and that potential
It seems I'm incapable,
Of being fully aware.
Today I was outside,
Lightest of clothing,
Despite the arctic front.
Ive bared colder,
But my hands
Went just a little numb.
And I loved every cold,
When I'm obsessing of my,
Inner nightmare made of pain,
Im numb to all else.
When Im lost,
Hopelessly in every detail,
Of this massive world,
For just a small while,
My emotions are blank.
A dull empty slate.
Most of my nights,
Moments of waking,
It all rushes and hits me.
But I turn my head,
Shut my eyes,
And wish it away again.
When that doesn't work,
I settle for what nothing,
Or even blaring pain,
That I deem worth finding.
The word escape,
Is my ever eluding fantasy.
Just another animal at the zoo.
To die caged,
Or be set free.
Until fate makes its decision,
Of which it will be,
I still have the cold to keep me.
While part is seemingly at a standstill,
The other part of my brain rages its war.
Physically or emotionally,
No two sides will see each other
On the same side of peace.
I saw him laying there
still, so very still
I thought he was dead
already passed through
to the other side
Then his chest rose
struggling for breath
his eyes winced
legs pulling up into his chest
feet flailing and twitching
I could feel
the pain that ran through
his fragile, still body
cold, small, and grey
and I stood back from his bedside
my eyes still focused
on his shaking frame
Death hung heavy in the air that day
I could smell it on his skin
God was waiting
to take him home
but still he held on,
breathing and stopping
breathing and stopping
Life is strange sometimes
made even stranger by the reality
of opening oneself
to the never ending abyss
to the ever after when the rainbow has passed
I'll be seeing you,
on the other side
I am crying because these tears are the words I will not say.
I sob because leaking out of my eyeballs is every goddamn sentence I held inside while we were fighting.
All I keep iron lipped locked up lest I explode everything with the velocity of feeling,
of pure gas fire explosions of all these secrets I keep bouncing around the inside of this concrete skin.
And just for a moment,
I don't want to apologize to anyone about
what chemical reactions are taking place in my twisted brain.
I don't want to "work things out" or "talk it through"
or yell or scream or vent to people because no one knows what to say or do except hugging
but I'm all alone in this dark room, dehydrating myself and curling into a ball small enough to fit in your chanel purse,
And I don't want you to wrap your stiff arms around me.
That's when I don't want anything more than just to collapse,
to slide into pieces and fold them all on top of each other until I can absorb into something simpler,
something that doesn't have heavy feet sentencing her to a lifetime of traveling these warped roads-
or maybe someone who can deal with the world without turning all of it into a poem,
a girl who doesn't have to fake forgiveness for rides to practice and isn't forced to worry about crossing lines and homework or turn signals or disappointing adults and landing standing tucks and being sharp at football games or homecoming dates and not pissing off my stupid "friends"-
Along with all the other everyday irrelevance that won't mean anything in 25 years.
What do I even care, anyway?
Does anyone actually care?
Isn't it all just bullshit?
But as my phone rings and rings unanswered and my doorbell stays silent
I must come to the conclusion that I am just another human being having the same damn emotions as everyone else and that, in fact,
My friends don't want to hear once again about that fight my mom and I have been waging on and off for about 3 years and how it literally drains my will to live and worms holes in my mental health.
I must not be that girl who pities herself-
the one who lets her watery-gray sadness spill over the sides and splash into other people's laps, bringing down lighthearted conversations on the quad about homecoming dresses
For God's sake, Gabrielle
keep your shit to yourself.
Splash your face with water, spray a little febreze, fetch your plastic bags and fake smiles.
No one likes a bad smell.
Thoughts gathered on my walk in the woods.. I was typing in key words on my phone so that I can later write about what thoughts came to me while out walking..
It was getting a bit cloudly so I took the creek path home.. But before I was able to hit the path I saw her in the water.. At least what look to be like a woman waring a strange silver suit..
She was slender and seem to be very beautiful.. She held out a small orb in front of her and if by magic it seem to turn into some form of container.. She then scooped up some water and held it over her head.. 3 metal circles then spun around her and lit up very brightly spinning faster and faster with no sound..
A very bright flash then occured and they were all gone.. I suppose I have something to write about now! wow!!!!!!!!
I knew her as the new kid
who liked music that screamed
but who sang in the choir
like a songbird on steroids.
I saw her in the hallways,
tall, but somehow so small
like a puff of air
might just topple her.
I saw her clothes get darker,
her sleeves get longer,
and her eyes retreat into her skull
because hunger drew them back in.
I heard her voice grow soft
in the choir she loved more than life,
and suddenly her lark's lilting melody
was no longer ringing in my ears.
I heard her sigh more than laugh
and I saw the stars in her eyes
get devoured by the dark,
that all consuming black inside her.
I felt the razor bite her skin
to let some of the darkness out
or maybe is was more like
she was trying to let some sunlight in.
I felt her pain
on that night where she sat on an unmade bed
with her hands around her neck
and tried to mute her beautiful voice.
I know her today as my friend
who still listens to screaming music
but sings songs of joy and love
louder than anyone else.
It’s hard to believe
when you’re so small
and so brand new
that one day
after all you’ve been through
and you’ve managed to stay alive
after years of wanting to die
you’d end up looking back
someone you loved
and how it hurt
you can’t recall
not one damn thing about them
and all that came
were tons of strays
not much to say
until one day
she made you feel
and so brand new
those years seem worth the wait
regardless of the pain
We are curled up on that old maroon couch
It’s ratty and old but it’s always been our spot,
Even when we were small it was
We’ve been talking for hours but it feels like minutes
Your teaching me about your car and I give you advice
We are so happy like this.
Yet in the back of my mind I feel the time slipping away
But you look at the clock and you ask me to stay just a little longer
But my dad said to be home by nine.
I start to feel nervous and your hands gently shake
We have so much to say but we never have enough time
Our words run together just so we can feel closer for these last few minutes
My chest begins to feel tight with the words I don’t have the strength to say out loud
And in a spare moment of silence my words
I love you.
Yeah, I said it. I love you, it’s there.
You look at me clueless
Almost like you didn’t notice
Then I see your ears go red the way they do when your
And I know you heard me
Words hanging in the open I know you feel my fear
I remember months before when you said the same thing
But my fear controlled me and instead excuses broke free
I’m not ready.
I’m not right for you.
Why would you love me?
You pulled back
Then you hid from me
What might have seemed like a week to you
Were really years for me.
The next time I saw you she was clinging to your arm
I couldn’t believe it
I was shocked
But I hid my feelings and covered them up with a smile
Then everything was normal again
Except for her
Yeah I said it. I love you. It’s there.
I get it now. I understand
It’s insane and irrational
But I now stand where you stood.
I’m feeling what you felt.
How did this happen to calm
But there is this wedge that slides between us
You used to be by me constantly
Strength in our bond
But she walks in and flips her hair
I don’t stand a chance
And your place next to me stands unfilled
She makes me feel out of place
With her dirty looks and glares
I’m not your competition
Or at least so I thought
She’s young and she’s pretty
Sometimes she’s what I’m not
But I’ve been there when you’ve needed me
That’s not something that she’s got
Yeah I said it. I love you. Its there
I hate the fact I haven’t said
The words that I can’t bear
Remember just last week
When you whispered in my ear
You said I’m yours, just yours
I help you when others cant
You understand me when I don’t understand myself
But then I blushed and pulled away
Why did I?
But then you talked about her
And I couldn’t help but feel sad
For a moment I had you back
For a moment things were back to normal.
We still have our moments
Though they are few and far between
You gave me your jacket
We’ve gazed at stars at night
But I come back to reality
And we are sitting on the couch
The time still ticks away
Its time for me to leave
I have to say goodnight
I’d rather stay for hours, or until the suns first light
But we both get up, still shaking
And we quietly say good night
I leave the house I’m on my way
But I know I lost the fight
So, yeah. I said it.
But only in my head.
Ill always wish I said it out loud
Until I find my strength
I love you.
The small but ample cottage tucked in among the trees with large trees like bedposts.
A small hum of excitement stirs the air. The ocean kissed sea air moves past the cottage searching for just a peak at her.
But not tonight, the windows drawn tight, and still sweating from the warmth there by the muted figures in the flames.
Just a glimpse of her edges out from the corner of my eye.
And only she warms me in a way, that even now the figures in the flames seem less willing to speak her name.
With her heat comes a light, and with her light the words are more clear and the beauty of season more evident.
She is a muted flame edging out in the corner of my eye.
Kissing me quietly as she drifts off in to cozy corners of my mind.
Two shadows cast down a winding trail under a sleepy moon's gaze
Like waking from a night of slumbering under heavy winter blankets, plumes of smoke rise from small brick beds
The shadows sway and dance under the last breaths of sun slipping into the night
When I hold on to her like the last days of summer, but she is like the end of Autumn
When red and gold love letters fill the trees
When the last red ribbons of a sunset caress her face
In her eyes I see the low hung stars of an autumn sky
In her kiss the last sonnet of a season's end
In her arms the warmth of a fire set to welcome the first winter night