I am anger with a beard
The shot in the night you didn't hear
Tearing through your child's mind
I'm the lonely rapist just behind you
Taking it all as I slide inside you
I'm the devil in disguise
With glowing crimson eyes
I'm the priest of no faith
Nothing left to replace
I'm the darkness you call home
As your last call echos
I'm the razor your afraid to lose
Tearing you open to live inside you
I'm the parasite deep inside
That infests your sleep
I'm the bastard you never loved
Killing himself to psalms
I'm the violent man in blue
Beating you black and blue
I'm the car in the incoming lane
When you hit black ice and can't sustain
I'm the doctor you run to
When your ready to be euthanized
Sing me to sleep,
hide my eyes and
shield my ears.
Sing me to sleep,
rip open my scars
and tell me the truth:
am I still beautiful?
Suddenly, without expectation.
There he was.
Friendly, jolly little fella that many called Santa.
Standing within the room with various presents.
Next to him was two little elves.
Two little people barely shorter than him.
One a female.
One a male.
Helping out the jolly little fella.
They didn't see me pretending to sleep.
Seeing the sight of Santa has always been a dream of a child.
Just to imagine him took over my imagination.
All the stories told to different in opinions.
But many was exactly like I remember.
Except, one of the person looked like Mom or Dad.
I never heard of them in any Santa stories
So, I dose off to sleep after my dream came true.
I have seen Santa like I never knew.
He was joyful.
He was kind.
And magical too.
Cause I imagine in my sleep that he rose through the Chimney unto the roof.
So when people question, if he's real?
I'm living proof.
That all kids parents, are Santa too.
Some just refuses to tell you.
You mustn't take the blame.
Don’t you ever feel ashamed.
I will never be the same.
Let me go, I never felt oh so cold.
I’ve never been so alone.
I cant see, so just take my hand and lead.
Why cant I love you.
I just miss you.
Why cant I sleep when your not next to me.
I just feel so restless.
I’m just so breathless.
You took my heart and fixed it.
Now you just ripped it.
I want you back.
It will never last.
You just took everything.
If you thought.
You were the everything.
Forever must I rest.
To you this was our last goodbye.
Now I'm forever crying.
I love you, but do you feel so much pain within.
I hope you love me too, for I am damned.
How could god forsake me, I’ve chosen the demon.
I’m planning my demise.
I’m sorry for my treason.
For what I did, the chains are binding.
Deaths grip is hurting me.
Don’t you DARE leave me!
You have loved.
You have punished.
You have killed.
All innocence left is corrupted.
Like a murky gas and its fumes.
Nothing is left.
Just the lust I still have for you.
For whatever I do.
Just know I still love you.
And that I still want you.
And that I will still die for you.
And still wait for you.
It will hurt when I love you.
And when I want you.
And when I die for you.
And it will hurt when I have to wait for you.
sometime after five
the windows over the bar lit up
with the colors of the sun. they were shattered
with axes while thick black smoke poured
out over broken glass.
we watched like premature boys at a strip club.
streams of water turned to ice on the pavement
while flames gave up lives but burned the rest.
sometime the next morning,
we woke up in a haze on an unfamiliar couch,
turned on the news and the woman
in a business suit with a television smile
said, a young
in the bottom
of a gorge
after a tiring
four hour search.
things like that don't happen to people you know.
while we dreamt
of flames in our sleep.
things like that do happen to people you know.
a single set of footprints marked a trail in the snow,
danced all the way to the edge with tip toes grazing over.
she was a flawless feather floating while everything else,
even the falling water, remained silent.
delicately drifting down, she sang herself to sleep,
not where people go to grieve but where people go to dream.
I need special radiation to restore my power
It (the radiation) comes from TV
There’s radiation in concrete
I have to wear special shoes
Nobody has any faces anymore
Every time I cross the street
It causes at least two people to explode
People are reading my thoughts
I can tell because they get in their cars and drive away
Once they get five miles away
They can control my mind for
Five out of every twenty-seven seconds
Sometimes they make me scream
Or sometimes fall asleep
When I’m sleeping someone replaces my clothes with new ones that are the same but dirtier
It’s usually the same guy
One guy waits behind the toilets and saves my poo then sneaks up when I’m asleep and puts it back in my Butt
Sometimes he leaves it in the pants that they will put on me that night
I often sleep on the loading bay of the Circuit City between 3:13 and 5:21 a.m.
This is the time when dump-trucks are powerless against mind rays from space
And the dormant TVs
Feed on the evil mind beams
That scream in my ear
I usually can’t tell what they are saying except when they tell me to stomp rats to death and then eat them
One time I ate my toes instead but they grew back and I just had to eat more rats to make up for it
I wish you would leave me alone
Why won’t you let me think?!
each giant held its hands to my shoulders
On the darkest night of the year
I found that I could see my breath.
I wept for the coming light.
On the wet banks of a muddy lake
I found that my feet had become cold.
I swam in the murky waves.
Through the slowest dawn, where the sun came down
I found that my eyes had not quite closed.
I lay awake and listened.
Through the neverending stillness, as frost crept in
I found that I was only a brief measure, a tentative line.
I waited for someone who had left.
With the tangle of legs and toes
I found that I could be safe in the forest of cotton.
I twitched not alone as I laid.
With the blood and the seething flesh
I found that I could draw the map I wanted to see.
I wandered though I knew the way.
In the peeling papers, burnt and torn
I found that neither ink nor words survive.
I read the lines over in my mind.
In the dreaming wakefulness where I sat for days
I found that I could build a higher flame.
I burned in the curling heat.
I found that I would never sleep, and each giant, living or not
Held its hands to my shoulders, weighted.
Perception, keep it far from me it means nothing…
The chemical imbalance…
distorts, rearranges, changes, and manipulates what’s real.
Sleep, slumber my long lost friend, we once spent countless nights journeying the deep depths of my conscience and subconscious mind,
to places of pure ecstasy
Now we meet only when the black outs come
I guess there aren’t dreams when you die.
I take in more death.
I dig deeper into nothing to try and find something.
Nothing is all I find,
there is something there
the white canvas is blank,
but I see…
I touch enlightenment as I soar through space,
my white canvas has become stars,
Life is all perception
keep perception far from me it means nothing
just pass me the death. Inhalation.
The sweet death fills my lungs, and takes hold of my soul.
My perception is a layer of my intelligence.
I can cease to perceive and still exist.
I hear vibrations at moving frequencies that can not be quantified,
I visualize images that can’t be personified,
I smell the aura and aroma of pure existence,
I feel the texture of objects beneath my flesh,
and I taste life on the tip of my tongue,
the taste of loss,
peace, and enlightenment.
I am living, but I am dead. Inhalation. I breathe in death.
I breathe it all the way to my soul.
My body shutters.
Time fades in and out.
I no longer perceive I only exist.
It's 2am in December and my windows are all open.
Trying to remember what it's like to feel..
I'd smoke another Newport, but I've smoked so many
that it hurts to inhale normal air,
especially the crisp winter air
that's pouring into my apartment,
sleep seems futile..
There's an empty bottle of cheap pinot lying next to me,
a half-finished PBR, from the thirty I bought myself
and I haven't thought of you in a while.
My mind wanders to that alleyway in the heart of Columbus,
dark and deserted,
the sounds of lovers off in the distance,
my boyfriend calling my name, searching
but I can't hear him.
I can only hear you...
You see love, I haven't thought of you,
haven't let myself back to that place
because I met a nice boy,
who told me nice things,
asked nicely if he could touch me, in nice places
before he did so,
and it was nice...
So I waited and he waited,
took things slowly for once,
convinced him it was worth it,
that I, was worth it,
so when he told me, it was beautiful
and I told him right back.
it was beautiful,
"I love you"...
And don't you dare question me, love
for I love him,
because he thinks I'm wonderful,
hasn't seen the scary parts that I'd showed you,
doesn't believe I'm as broken as I say,
He tells me I'm perfect...
that night in Columbus, Ohio still haunts me,
the night you rode a bus for sixteen hours to get to,
that moment we're screaming at each other,
I'm telling you that I hate you, and I know you've never cared
why are you even here? I HATE you...!
You kiss me.
Like your sole purpose in life... was to kiss me.
Like you'd been waiting forever..
You kiss me
like you were created by God
for the final moment
where your lips would dance with mine,
and fireworks would fly
from your fingertips
as they brushed across my cheeks,
turning tears into vapor,
unspoken truths into song,
longing into love,
you kissed me.
Kissed me, and saved me from being stone..
That night, you told me everything I'd ever longed for you to tell me.
Told me about your terrifying family,
and the reasons you were better off being alone.
I wept into your arms as you told me you loved me,
that you had given me every single thing you could,
how you were sorry it wasn't enough.
And I told you all the sad things I'd lived through,
all the boys who never learned my name,
all the nights I'd never had a home,
the day I wished I was dead..
And you stroked my hair, told me not to cry,
wiped the tears from my cheeks,
while I told you that all you had to do was ask,
that I'd come back for you.
All you had to do was tell me to come back, for you.
And that night,
in that tiny apartment, 700 miles from home
you made love to me,
kissed me softly,
whispered sweet nothings until I fell asleep on your chest...
You became home, my love,
You were my home.
The next day,
you got on a Greyhound bus back to where you came from.
Didn't look back.
And I went back to that little apartment,
never looked back down that alleyway,
and once more,
Lydia is quiet
going down the slope
by Arrol House
Benedict says nothing
he thinks it best
to let her brood
until she’s ready
he's seen it
in the films before
where the female
opposite the cowboy
has her moods
or quiet times
and the cowboy
lets her get on with it
while he rides off
into the sunset
to fight the bad guys
or have a shot
of Red Eye
in the bar in the town
watching the dancers
on the makeshift stage
he gives Lydia
a side on gaze
her straight hair
her dress is creased
and the cardigan
has a hole
in the elbow
they walk up
towards Draper Road
by the blocks of flats
were rowing last night
something to do
or the lack of it
I could gather
through the bedroom door
lying in the dark
seeing the thin line
from the other room
the old man hates
his best suits
and brown shoes
saw something odd
Lydia says suddenly
looking at Benedict
odd? what was odd?
her thin hands
the nails chewed
my big sister
and her man friend
your sister's always odd
she made me sleep
in the tiny cot bed
which I haven't done
for years as its
too small for me really
she made me sleep there
so she and her man friend
could sleep there
he's been turned out
of his digs
as he calls them
and Mum didn't like
the idea but Dad
in his usual drunken state
said O let him stay
a few days
until he gets himself
so there am I
stuck in the cot bed
over the ends
just about room for me
except my backside
when I turn over
than a cold backside
after the lights were out
and she thought
I was asleep
I heard this noise
like squashy sound
and I lay there
with my eyes open
at the dark shapes
these odd sounds
and the giggles
and snorts and such
Benedict gazes at her
her thin lips
like the goldfish
he had which fell
into the sink
out of the fish bowl
and its tiny mouth
upon the wet
then the bed springs
were going gong gong
as if they were dead
and I never got
to sleep in the end
what with them
and the cold
on my backside
and the trains
the railway bridge
and the shunting
of coal wagons
so you're tired
that’s why you
were quiet just now
thought I'd done
when I first met you
outside your flat
and you came out
with a face
and they walk along
to the Penny shop
where he treats her
to a penny pop drink
fruit salad sweets
and they stand
by the penny
ball game machine
on the wall
and watch some kid
press the buttons
and the ball
until it disappears
in a slot
and Lydia thinks
sipping her drink
are an odd lot.