She kisses me with cream
and lemon yellow
making me pucker up
that are like doorknobs
covered with red velvet
driving me crazy
for birthday cake that I don't need to taste
just light all the candles
and blow me away.
Wishing for things I don't think
I am allowed to tell you
and even if I could
I'm not sure I would
because her body is my church.
that's not what I mean but it's the closest my tongue will get
She plants kisses with rosewater
green seeds across my landscape
and confessions are
Forgive me mama,
I have sinned.
with gifts of limbs
from a better half
the pagan's god
Because this kind of man
with this kind of woman
made them weep for symmetry
how permanent every one of our moments
Ah, Nikolaas, my love for him is not the same, as my love for thee;
My love for thee was once, and may still be, sweeter, purer, more elegant, and free;
But still, how unfortunate! imprisoned in mockery, and liberated not-by destiny;
It still hath to come and go; it cannot stay cheerfully-about thee forever, and within my company.
And but tonight-shall Amsterdam still be cold?
But to cold temper thou shalt remain unheeded; thou shalt be tough, and bold;
Sadly I am definite about having another nightmare, meanwhile, here;
For thy voice and longings shall be too far; with presumptions and poems, I cannot hear.
Sleep, my loveliest, sleep; for unlike thine, none other temper, or love-is in some ways too fragrant, and sweet;
All of which shall neither tempt me to flirt, nor hasten me to meet;
My love for thee is still undoubted, defined, and unhesitant;
Like all t'is summer weather around; 'tis both imminent, and pleasant.
My love for thee, back then, was but one youthful-and reeking of temporal vitality;
But now 'tis different-for fathom I now-the distinction between sincerity, and affectation.
Ah, Nikolaas, how once we strolled about roads, and nearby spheres-in living vivacity;
With sweets amongst our tongues-wouldst we attend every song, and laugh at an excessively pretentious lamentation.
Again-we wouldst stop in front of every farm of lavender;
As though they wanted to know, and couldst but contribute their breaths, and make our love better.
We were both in blooming youth, and still prevailed on-to keep our chastity;
And t'is we obeyed gladly, and by each ot'er, days passed and every second went even lovelier.
But in one minute thou wert but all gone away;
Leaving me astray; leaving me to utter dismay.
I had no more felicity in me-for all was but, in my mind, a dream of thee;
And every step was thus felt like an irretrievable path of agony.
Ah, yon agony I loathe! The very agony I wanted but to slaughter, to redeem-and to bury!
For at t'at time I had known not the beauty of souls, and poetry;
I thought but the world was wholly insipid and arrogant;
T'at was so far as I had seen, so far as I was concerned.
I hath now, seen thy image-from more a lawful angle-and lucidity;
And duly seen more of which-and all start to fall into place-and more indolent, clarity;
All is fair now, though nothing was once as fair;
And now with peace, I want to be friends; I want to be paired.
Perhaps thou couldst once more be part of my tale;
But beforehand, I entreat thee to see, and listen to it;
A tale t'at once sent into my heart great distrust and sadness, and made it pale;
But from which now my heart hath found a way out, and even satisfactorily flirted with it,
For every tale, the more I approach it, is as genuine as thee;
And in t'is way-and t'is way only, I want thee to witness me, I want thee to see me.
I still twitch with tender madness at every figure, and image-I hath privately, of thine;
They are still so captivatingly clear-and a most fabulous treasure to my mind.
My love for thee might hath now ended; and shall from now on-be dead forever;
It hath been buried as a piece of unimportance, and a dear old, obsolete wonder;
And thus worry not, for in my mind it hath become a shadow, and ceased to exist;
I hath made thee resign, I hath made thee drift rapidly away, and desist.
Ah, but again, I shall deny everything I hath said-'fore betraying myself once more;
Or leading myself into the winds of painful gravity, or dismissive cold tremor;
For nothing couldst stray me so well as having thee not by my side;
An image of having thee just faraway-amidst the fierceness of morns, and the very tightness of nights.
And for seconds-t'ese pains shall want to bury me away, want to make me shout;
And shout thy very name indeed; thy very own aggravated silence, and sins out loud;
Ah, for all t'ese shadows about are too vehement-but eagerly eerie;
Like bursts of outspread vigilance, misunderstood but lasting forever, like eternity.
'Twas thy own mistake-and thus thou ought'a blame anyone not;
Thou wert the one to storm away; thou wert the one who cut our story short.
Thou wert the one who took whole leave, of the kind entity-of my precious time and space;
And for nothingness thou obediently set out; leaving all we had built, to abundant waste.
Thou disappeared all too quickly-and wert never seen again;
Thou disappeared like a column of smoke, to whom t'is virtual world is partial;
And none of thy story, since when-hath stayed nor thoughtfully remained;
Nor any threads of thy voice were left behind, to stir and ring, about yon hall.
Thou gaily sailed back into thy proud former motherland;
Ah, and the stirring noises of thy meticulous Amsterdam;
Invariably as a man of royalty, in thy old arduous way back again;
Amongst the holiness of thy mortality; 'twixt the demure hesitations, of thy royal charms.
And thou art strange! For once thou mocked and regarded royalty as bestial;
But again, to which itself, as credulous, and soulless victim, thou couldst serenely fall;
Thus thou hath perpetually been loyal not, to thy own pride, and neatly sworn words;
Thou art forever divided in his dilemma; and the unforgiving sweat, of thy frightening two worlds.
Indeed thy godlike eyes once pierced me-and touched my very fleshly happiness;
But with a glory in which I couldst not rejoice; at which I couldst not blush with tenderness.
Thy charms, although didst once burn and throttle me with a ripe vitality;
Still wert not smooth-and ever offered to cuddle me more gallantly; nor kiss my boiling lips, more softly.
Every one of t'ese remembrances shall make me hate thee more;
But thou thyself hath made more forgiving, and excellent-like never before;
'Ah, sweet,' thou wouldst again protested-last night, 'Who in t'is very life wouldst make no sin?'
'Forgiveth every sinned soul thereof; for 'tis unfaithful, for 'tis all inherently mean.'
'Aye, aye,' and thou wouldst assent to my subsequent query,
'I hath changed forever-not for nothingness, but for eternitie.'
'To me love o' gold is now but nothing as succulent',
'I shall offer elegantly myself to not be of any more torment, but as a loyal friend.'
'I shall calleth my former self mad; and be endued with nothing but truths, of rifles and hate;'
'But now I shall attempt to be obedient; and naughty not-towards my fate.'
'Ah, let me amendst thereof-my initial nights, my impetuous mistakes,'
'Let me amendst what was once not dignified; what was once said as false, and fake.'
'So t'at whenst autumn once more findeth its lapse, and in its very grandness arrive,'
'I hopeth thy wealth of love shall hath been restored, and all shall be alive,'
'For nothing hath I attempted to achieve, and for nothing else I hath struggled to strive;'
'But only to propose for thy affection; and thy willingness to be my saluted wife.'
And t'is small confession didst, didst tear my dear heart into pieces!
But canst I say-it was ceremoniously established once more-into settlements of wishes;
I was soon enlivened, and no longer blurred by tumult, nor discourteous-hesitation;
Ah, thee, so sweetly thou hath consoled, and removed from me-the sanctity of any livid strands of my dejection.
For in vain I thought-had I struggled, to solicit merely affection-and genuinity from thee;
For in vain I deemed-thou couldst neither appreciate me-nor thy coral-like eyes, couldst see;
And t'is peril I perched myself in was indeed dangerous to my night and day;
For it robbed me of my mirth; and shrank insolently my pride and conscience, stuffing my wholeness into dismay.
But thou hath now released me from any further embarkation of mineth sorrow;
Thou who hath pleased me yesterday; and shall no more be distant-tomorrow;
Thou who couldst brighten my hours by jokes so fine-and at times, ridiculous;
Thou who canst but, from now on, as satisfactory, irredeemable, and virtuous.
Ah, Nikolaas, farther I shall be no more to calleth thee mad; or render thee insidious;
Thou shall urge me to forget everything, as hating souls is not right, and perilous;
Thou remindeth me of forgiving's glorious, and profound elegance;
And again 'tis the holiest deed we ought to do; the most blessed, and by God-most desired contrivance.
Oh, my sweet, perhaps thou hath sinned about; but amongst the blessed, thou might still be the most blessed;
For nothing else but gratitude and innocence are now seen-in thy chest;
Even when I chastised thee-and called thee but an impediment;
Thou still forgave me, and turned myself back again into elastic merriment.
Thou art now pure-and not by any means meek, but cruel-like thy old self is;
For unlike 'tis now, it couldst never be satisfied, nor satiated, nor pleased;
'Twas far too immersed in his pursuit of bloodied silver, and gold;
And to love it had grown blind, and its greedy woes, healthily too bold.
And just like its bloodied silver-it might be but the evil blood itself;
For it valued, and still doth-every piece with madness, and insatiable hunger;
Its works taint his senses, and hastened thee to want more-of what thou couldst procure-and have,
But it realised not that as time passed by, it made thee but grew worse-and in the most virtuous of truth, no better.
But thou bore it like a piece of godlike, stainless ivory;
Thou showered, and endured it with love; and blessed it with well-established vanity.
Now it hath been purified, and subdued-and any more teaches thee not-how to be impatient, nor imprudent;
As how it prattled only, over crude, limitless delights; and the want of reckless impediments.
Thou nurtured it, and exhorted it to discover love-all day and night;
And now love in whose soul hath been accordingly sought, and found;
And led thee to absorb life like a delicate butterfly-and raiseth thy light;
The light thou hath now secured and refined within me; and duly left me safe, and sound.
Thou hath restored me fully, and made me feel but all charmed, awesome, and way more heavenly;
Thou hath toughened my pride and love; and whispered the loving words he hath never spoken to me.
Ah, I hope thou art now blessed and safely pampered in thy cold, mischievous Amsterdam;
Amsterdam which as thou hath professed-is as windy, and oft' makes thy fingers grow wildly numb.
Amsterdam which is sick with superior lamentations, and fame;
But never adorned with exact, or at least-honest means of scrutiny;
For in every home exists nothing but bursts of madness, and flames;
And in which thereof, lives 'twixt nothing-but meaningless grandeur, and a poorest harmony.
Amsterdam which once placed thee in pallid, dire, and terrible horror;
Amsterdam which gave thy spines thrills of disgust, and infamous tremor;
But from which thou wert once failed, fatefully, neither to flee, nor escape;
Nor out of whose stupor, been able to worm thy way out, or put which, into shape.
But I am sure out of which thou art now delightful-and irresistibly fine;
For t'ere is no more suspicion in thy chest-and all of which hath gone safely to rest;
All in thy very own peace-and the courteous abode of our finest poetry;
Which lulls thee always to sleep-and confer on thee forever, degrees of a warmest, pleasantry.
Ah, Nikolaas-as thou hath always been, a child of night, but born within daylight;
Poor-poor child as well, of the moon, whose life hath been betrayed but by dullness, and fright.
Ah, Nikolaas-but should hath it been otherwise-wouldst thou be able to see thine light?
And be my son of gladness, be my prince of all the more peaceful days; and ratified nights.
And should it be like which-couldst I be the one; the very one idyll-to restore thy grandeur?
As thou art now, everything might be too blasphemous, and in every way obscure;
But perhaps-I couldst turn every of thine nightmare away, and maketh thee secure;
Perhaps I couldst make thee safe and glad and sleep soundly; perfectly ensured.
Ah, Nikolaas! For thy delight is pure-and exceptionally pure, pure, and pure!
And thy innocence is why I shall craft thee again in my mind, and adore thee;
For thy absurdity is as shy, and the same as thy purity;
But in thy hands royalty is unstained, flawless, and just too sure.
For in tales of eternal kingdoms-thou shalt be the dignified king himself;
Thou shalt be blessed with all godly finery, and jewels-which thou thyself deserve;
And not any other tyrant in t'ese worlds-who mock ot'er souls and pretend to be brave;
But trapped within t'eir own discordant souls, and wonders of deceit and curses of reserve.
Oh, sweet-sweet Nikolaas! Please then, help my poetry-and define t'is heart of me!
Listen to its heartbeat-and tellest me, if it might still love thee;
Like how it wants to stretch about, and perhaps touch the moonlight;
The moonlight that does look and seem to far, but means still as much-to our very night.
Ah! Look, my darling-as the moonlight shall smile again, to our resumed story;
If our story is, in unseen future, ever truly resumed-and thus shall cure everything;
As well t'is unperturbed, and still adorably-longing feeling;
The feeling that once grew into remorse-as soon as thou stomped about, and faraway left me.
Again love shall be, in thy purest heart-reincarnated,
For 'tis the only single being t'at is wondrous-and inexhaustible,
To our souls, 'tis but the only salvation-and which is utterly edible,
To console and praise our desperate beings-t'at were once left adrift, and unheartily, infuriated.
Love shall be the cure to all due breathlessness, and trepidations;
Love shall be infallible, and on top of all, indefatigable;
And love shall be our new invite-to the recklessness of our exhausted temptations;
Once more, shall love be our merit, which is sacred and unalterable; and thus unresentful, and infallible.
Love shall fill us once more to the brim-and make our souls eloquent;
Love be the key to a life so full-and lakes of passion so ardent;
Enabling our souls to flit about and lay united hands on every possible distinction;
Which to society is perhaps not free; and barrier as they be, to the gaiety of our destination.
Thus on the rings of union again-shall our dainty hearts feast;
As though the entire world hath torn into a beast;
But above all, they shan't have any more regrets, nor hate;
Or even frets, for every fit of satisfaction hath been reached; and all thus, hath been repaid.
Thus t'is might be thee; t'at after all-shall be worthy of my every single respect;
As once thou once opened my eyes-and show me everything t'at t'is very world might lack.
Whilst thou wert striving to be admirable and strong; t'is world was but too prone and weak;
And whilst have thy words and poetry; everyone was just perhaps too innocent-and had no clue, about what to utter, what to speak.
Thou might just be the very merit I hath prayed for, and always loved;
Thou might hath lifted, and relieved me prettily; like the stars very well doth the moon above.
And among your lips, lie your sweet kisses t'at made me live;
A miracle he still possesses not; a specialty he might be predestined not-to give.
Thou might be the song I hath always wanted to written;
But sadly torn in one day of storm; and thus be secretly left forgotten;
Ah, Nikolaas, but who is to say t'at love is not at all virile, easily deceived, and languid?
For any soul saying t'at might be too delirious, or perhaps very much customary, and insipid.
And in such darkness of death; thou shalt always be the tongue to whom I promise;
One with whom I shall entrust the very care of my poetry; and ot'er words of mouth;
One I shall remember, one I once so frightfully adored, and desired to kiss;
One whose name I wouldst celebrate; as I still shall-and pronounce every day, triumphantly and aggressively, out loud.
For thy name still rings within me with craze, but patterned accusation, of enjoyment;
For thy art still fits me into bliss, and hopeful expectations of one bewitching kiss;
Ah, having thee in my imagination canst turn me idle, and my cordial soul-indolent;
A picture so naughty it snares my whole mind-more than everything, even more than his.
Oh, Nikolaas, and perhaps so thereafter, I shall love, and praise thee once more-like I doth my poetry;
For as how my poetry is, thou art rooted in me already; and thus breathe within me.
Thou art somehow a vein in my blood, and although fictitious still-in my everyday bliss;
Thou art worth more than any other love may be, and higher, than he is.
For unlike thee, he is abstract-and neither attentive nor in any way, sanguine;
Only on his own thematic worlds-and he is immersed-and shows himself to be keen;
But nicely-he shall never be thee, as thou shalt never be like him;
And he too, liveth not my life like thou hath done-he wandereth my lands, but unlike thee-sometimes I tend, and only attend to him-in my moonlit dreams.
Ah, and unlike him, my whole being is still vagued, and shrouded in thee;
For thou art, in many senses, my mirrored self on thy own;
And thus every bead of thy suffering is sewn onto me;
I shall bear and shoulder t'em, as enduring-and painstakingly, as mine alone.
But unlike him-thou shalt not be dejected by tears, nor midnight frost;
Amidst which thou shalt still be rich, and might never be lost;
On mornings he shall be about; but t'eir tenderness maketh him run fast;
But thy dreams shall stay; and satiate me-as though they are dreaming forever-and their life, shall gratefully last.
Ah, sweet Nikolaas, and thus my love for thee is like this sweet summer foliage;
'Tis civil and friendly-but as well, timeless, and perhaps-hath no age;
But I am afraid-t'at my love for him is just like the fear its greenness contains;
When autumn arrives it all shall be gone, and not even one frail streak, shall remain.
"Forgive me, Father,
For I have sinned"
Is what my father should have said
If he had been religious
Or able to admit
That he was a horrible man
At the end
Settling in the old armchair,
smiling gently at my guest.
Sipping malt, easing deeper,
after dinner rest.
It's time to tell a story,
a chronicle of jest.
A funny one, listen well,
laugh and be impressed!
Met my vicar the other day,
stopped him for a chat.
‘How are you vicar, keeping well?’
I always ask him that!
He always say's,
‘Thank you my son,
God bless your sentiment,
God bless you, your wife and kids.
I see you are intent
in getting quickly to the pub.
It is my aim as well.
I need a drink quite badly,
tho' my way be straight to hell!
The trouble is, I'm forced to walk,
instead of cycling over.
My poor feet are killing me.
causing me to suffer.’
‘Someone stole my bicycle,
my old sentimental pride.
The parish has a thief or two,
it wounds me deep inside.
What can I do, I ask myself,
just how to find the thief?
I'm at my wits end,
my trouble's rotting my belief.’
‘Don’t worry vicar’, I piped up.
‘I have a bright idea.
Wait until next Sunday.
Make your sermon strong and clear.
Preach the Ten Commandments.
"thou shalt not steal; its wrong!
God will judge all sinners,
retribution hard and long!
Watch the congregation.
Be sure look straight into their eyes.
Spot who looks uncomfortable,
whose temperature’s too high.
That will give away your thief,
their conscience in a mess.’
‘I'll give it a try’ the vicar said:
’lets drink to my success.’
A week went by and once again;
on my way to get a drink.
The vicar passes on his old bike.
‘What am I to think?
‘I see you were successful then,
your sermon did the trick?’.
‘Yes’ he said. ‘I preached the Ten Commandments,
fiery, full and strong.
Made sure I told them "thou shalt not"
Taught them right from wrong!
But when I got to where its wrong
“to covet thy neighbours’ wife”.
I knew I was more sinner than sinned against.
Oh sorry, sorry life!
Nothing certain, nothing sure;
so please don't take the Michael.
At last I knew where I had left,
my old and trusty cycle.’
And I've got lust rushing through my veins;
But I'm always alone.
And seeking that tender kiss
is like clawing blood from stone.
your weak and withered hands
shrivel when they're stretched towards me;
leaving me to think of my physical weakness;
my visible insecurities
douse the burning fire within your soul;
You have sinned my son,
But with no God,
There is no sin at all.
I was famished
As my curves started to grow
Knobby knees and a little pot belly
Breasts that had started to bloom
Like a seed that turned to a rose
Hair grew in places underneath
Men started to turn there heads
My dresses were getting awfully short
But momma could not afford any more
My round backside boys started to notice
I felt awkard and unaware
Menses spilled over into my panties
Sitting in church thinking of how I sinned
Deep into the night
My fingers would find me
Digging desperately at this tiny spot
Over and over all the time
My salvia wetting the tips of my fingers
As I dip inside
Trying to hush my moans
Yet they escape
I wish I could taste my own
Squeezing my thighs
I was taught this is wrong
But this thrist is something I need
This obsession is the only thing I have
Into the dark with quiet thoughts and a carnal need
God, are you there
or are you listening from behind my own eyes?
Watching, waiting for me to sin
and shame myself.
Do you hear me?
I have sinned.
Do you have it to do
to strike me down, to burn me?
Or are you too lazy.
Or are you a hypocrite.
Or am I merely screaming into a mirror.
If that is the case
I will be an Old Testament God
one who devoured Sodom and Gomorrah
and who will drown herself
her sinning form
(Please don't get me wrong
I love God with all my heart
I add this, for this poem
has a rather alarming start.)
This is for the prats
This is for the pricks
For those damn self-righteous christians
who always act like dicks.
While it is true that atheists
Need Jesus in their life
you try 'n' shove it down their throat once more
I'll stab you with a knife.
And while it is true
I think it's bad being gay
I'd rather be with my gay friend
than with you any day.
While it is true that
Non-believers go to Hell
One more word and I'll be tempted
to send you there as well.
Jesus came not to condemn
says John 3:17
So for once try to show His love
instead of being mean.
everyone has fallen short
each one of us has sinned
it's obvious that you think
that with you that never happened
Yes, they are wrong,
I agree, it's true,
But don't you even dare
act like there's nothing wrong with you.
Red and blues flashing, the electrons in a game of TRON dashing.
Forgive me not for i haven't sinned, it is your lack of congealing that keeps you trapped within.
An omnipresent empire built of circuitry and solder.
Please leave me be for I am not waste, refuse, master or martyr.
what has my skin ever done to you?
has it sinned or lied or driven you mad?
it does to me, but to you?
what has my skin ever done to you?
besides existing in this world where the beholder is shot by firing squad and his eye spooned out for all to see, what?
we were wed in the summer some sixteen years ago, my skin and i,
those years of discontent.
i filed all the papers
but i think they got lost in the post.
still i sit here sewed into swatches of white
writing down this question:
what has my skin ever done to you?