Silence
My insane mind was silent for once
I felt heat, extreme heat
I looked up and stumbled
Looks like the sun is back
The light was bright
it sent me back
into my corner in the darkness
my place
my home
a place, where I can be alone
Into the light
that's where the danger is
the madness
and the craziness.
The darkness is me
it's in me
this is my home
I can't leave
I'm in a hole
dug by my own lover.
He left me here
and now it's become a cold tunnel.
He put me here so I wouldn't know
but down here I'm dying slow.
He told me it was out of love
but he lied because he is incapable of love.
The sunlight burns through me
even though I can not see
I am blinded by madness
surrounded by silence.
I'm going crazy
the world is closing in.
I can not breathe
can't you see?
A pilgrimage to Thy feet someday I hope to make
where I no longer will be, except as dust, for my sake
to please You and seek Your pleasure to date
when knowing You are really my best mate.
If You appear to be hard on me I will know
there's something more You wish me to forego.
You have a habit of working in unfathomable ways
mind boggling to those who attempt such displays
as knowing Your will when Your whim's holding sway
revealing their ignorance and causing some dismay.
You have and use the capacity of a universal mind
staggering to the imagination leaving it far behind,
being the subtlest of the subtle and pervading all planes
throughout the three worlds You're the One who entertains.
Whether in apparent joy or sorrow remaining always the same
established in reality and far beyond the opposites' game.
You're the perfect mirror reflecting what and where we are;
as being unrealistic and caught in illusion, not going very far.
When we recognise our situation and let You take us by the hand,
with all faith and humility, we can reach that place where You stand.
Outwardly You appear to have a most unassuming stature
yet inwardly possessing spiritual wealth of an infinite nature.
You radiate divine love to all who come before You;
in Thy presence it's like drowning and melting into
a supremely blissful existence beyond any worldly experience.
An intense yet somewhat cooling fire of love, in all conscience
like an inner awakening and emerging into a fathomless being,
all around as inseparable parts of an infinite ocean and seeing
that there is nothing else to behold in formless eternity
which is really our true nature and immaculate reality.
You have indicated that You're the One many seek but so few find
and that You are the Ancient One; being The Only One of a kind.
This time around though You have come not to teach but to awaken
and by remaining silent, through Your silence, the world will be shaken.
Perhaps like an oncoming storm where lightning is seen before thunder
Your glory will manifest regardless of what is going on down under.
Eventually ushering in the New Humanity of which You have spoken
and uttering One Word, everywhere resounding, Your silence is broken.
Revealing Your greatest manifestation as You long ago stated
thence Your Final Declaration will thus never be outdated.
.......
Continued in Part 2.........
If now is a prediction of the future than i hope to exit now and explore other realms of options and opportunities to better map my future in order to achieve happiness or at least a sense of stability I need a stronghold or a fortress of some sort to protect my insecurities and help mask my Great Depression which consist of a decline of love and joy which has become a treat instead of a meal my moments of temporary happiness is so few and far between that I see no silver lining in my unfortunate situation called life one of my hopes is that I disappear into a world of nothing to sit in a room of no emotions and no stress nor noise just utter silence as if I reached in my head and set missiles on a mission of mass destruction of my mind and a goal of freeing my trapped thoughts I hope to achieve something greater in this room something beyond anything I've ever felt something related to peace.
When Thy Song flows through me
everything's as it should really be
One does not have much choice
when all one hears is Thy voice
In the silence of my inner mind
You come whispering like a chime
Thy Song of Love is a Divine melody
lifting me up to where I ought to be
Now and then I feel Thy presence in my heart
letting me know that we are never really apart
You dispel my ignorance with Thy light
making all before me seem very bright
It would be a shame if I didn't pay any heed
because it's a fact of life I am always in need.
___________
Take your time
and mine
and from these moments
form one day
one hour
of solitude for us to share...
let nothing here
intrude
break not this gentle silence
with wasteful
words
fill up each pause with tender looks
a lovers touch
a lingering kiss
just take your time
and mine
to enjoy these perfect
moments.
my eyes are shut tight
tears locked inside by a little green pill
meant to suppress the "bad thoughts"
I haven't thrown up in ten years
the contents of my stomach churn, unable to be free
nausea, induced by your secrets
I want to let them out
my contraband emotions
but I cannot
they'll ravage my insides
growing, a cancer
until they steal the last breath
from my chapped lips
for now I'll escape to the shower
with water burning the skin off my back
clean my body with broken nails
scrub myself raw
reopen old wounds
with a fluffy pink loofah
and when the water runs cold
I'll turn it off
lie on the floor of the tub
let the cold tile rattle my teeth
and I'll stay there in silence
until the faucet stops dripping
A fire ignites
Inside my very fucking self
Pain unjulates
From each nucleus
Of every single living cell
Out through my tattered bones,
To my skin
That burns to the touch
My sinews
Feel severed
The pressure from each step
Shoots electricity up through my spine
The release of each step
Throbs with each heartbeat
I can feel my blood
Rush through my veins
And even that
Steals my breath
My tread
Breaks tempo
With a limp
I drag my throbbing feet
Weighted by exhaustion
And hours of constant
Vibrating hurt
The doctors say it's in the neurons
Of my brain.
They misinterpret
Touch as pain
So I live in constant
Chaos
Wondering if there will ever be a day
Where my cells will silence
And I will find some relief
I am a fighter.
I will not go quietly.
You will hear my voice.
if I weren't on these meds
I might've cried
felt every time I said the wrong thing
or didn't say anything at all
roll off my face
and stain my laptop
with a tinge of mascara
if my esophagus weren't opposed to vomiting
I probably would've met my lunch again
would've been left heaving
gasping over a blue ceramic bowl
mourning my plethora
of mistakes
if I'd been home alone
I might even have screamed
howled
cursed your name
cursed my name
anything to get it out
of my clogged-up system
but I am on these meds
I haven't thrown up in ten years
and my mother sits on the couch across from me
so, instead, I'll escape to the shower
clean my body with broken nails
scrub my skin raw
reopen old wounds with a fluffy pink loofah
and when the water runs cold
I'll turn it off
lie on the floor of the tub
let the cold tile rattle my teeth
and I'll stay there in silence
until the faucet stops dripping
