I see your words
but they swim past my eyes
and dart past meaning,
a fleeting fish from the abyss
of a mind.
A mind that has alway been kind,
That has always been softly spoken,
a mind awoken from a slumber of slurs,
and artificial words,
that created artificial worlds.
Yet even when our worlds collapse,
You insist on the playful insult,
and the teasing tone we take,
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
But we don’t care,
You scream out a name unknown as I whisper,
“This is unfair.”
And we hear your silence like the echo of a drum
with its constant ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum
of emptiness, and loneliness and lowliness
along with every bad emotion that has ever been felt
by a teenager going through her faze of
hatred and self inflicted torture of the mind.
But through the dark of universes,
I hear your speech,
with words that shoot past my ears like stars
leaving a trail of chalky stardust
and dusty letters
to be unremembered by.
Galaxies glide by in this suspended time
and I realize that the words on your lips are not ours,
I am the number one sun
You are my two ; the moon.
We are love incarnate
Within one another,
We have set Our separate fires in each other,
But then combined them and
Allowed them to burn together
as Us and
You are Her and
We can find harmony in
Our silence eventually
Because knowing You are breathing On the other end of the receiver is a
Comforting feeling and
Even then I know
We share part of each other
While We are both just sitting and Listening and
We are two corresponding links in the chain.
Cuffed together like holding hands.
Coupled as consecutive arrows
Stuck in Our quivering hearts.
Held by Our bond and
Tethered by Our trust and
Attached by Our adoration.
Connected by a
Constant comfort cable
Two souls smiling in succession
Alone in silence
un-kissed lips beg affection
my tears stream slowly
She has this heart—broken, compared with mine.
It seemed so irreparable like it’ll never be fine.
But I too, have this wounded and jaded heart,
It's not just bent—it is torn apart.
She’d forced happiness and embraced it all,
So she continuously drop and deeply fall.
While I, allowed sadness to eat the parts of me,
And help it imprison me then it didn't let me free.
She somehow had realized the clues of climbing up,
Like all it was, was just a coffee poured in a cup.
Whereas I, was just sitting in the seashore—unmoved,
While seeing the waves, crash in a sorrowful groove.
At a snap—she’d already escaped from the abyss she’d fall into,
And walked straightly, laughing at the things that once made her blue.
She’d passed through the corners once full of dreadful silence,
And now, she’s already enjoying sadness’s absence.
While I remained still—hopeless while looking up at the moon,
I thought that all this bruises will heal one day, very soon.
But I am just always up to dreams and wishful thinking,
For not anymore, can I destroy sadness’s building.
You whom I could not save
Listen to me.
Try to understand this simple speech as I would be ashamed of another.
I swear, there is in me no wizardry of words.
I speak to you with silence like a cloud or a tree.
What strengthened me, for you was lethal.
You mixed up farewell to an epoch with the beginning of a new one,
Inspiration of hatred with lyrical beauty;
Blind force with accomplished shape.
Here is a valley of shallow Polish rivers. And an immense bridge
Going into white fog. Here is a broken city;
And the wind throws the screams of gulls on your grave
When I am talking with you.
What is poetry which does not save
Nations or people?
A connivance with official lies,
A song of drunkards whose throats will be cut in a moment,
Readings for sophomore girls.
That I wanted good poetry without knowing it,
That I discovered, late, its salutary aim,
In this and only this I find salvation.
They used to pour millet on graves or poppy seeds
To feed the dead who would come disguised as birds.
I put this book here for you, who once lived
So that you should visit us no more.
- by Czeslaw Milosz
st, 13 dec 13
Copyright © 1988 by Czeslaw Milosz Royalties, Inc.
Used by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
Source: The Collected Poems: 1931-1987 (The Ecco Press, 1988)
First month, first seat change. we were on opposite sides, no interaction. I relish this, i am not a
BOLD or EXTROVERTED person
some might say I am shy or introverted
now that the time has come, I am not ready to change seats,
to take the chance of sitting closer, forced interaction,
I am nervous,
but am calmed with the thought that chances are, we'll be seated even farther apart,
I was wrong.
our elbows will brush, our knees will touch, our gazes will meet.
I hear the words coming out of the teachers mouth,
but am stunned into silence ,
my whole being shaken,
our names are called,
our seats given.
To some, this may seem silly, immature, an overreaction.
For them, this may be true, in this situation calm, collected, thinking: this is no big deal.
But with dread curdling in your stomach as you snap to,
stumbling to your seat,
this is an earthquake shaking the earth, a volcano spitting ashes,
a panic attack waiting to happen.
and it pounces.
seated, trying not to squirm, to shake, to jerk;
wondering what he's thinking, trying not to stare.
he thinks you don't see,
the glances he shoots the short foot between you,
thinks your engrossed in the teacher, the clock, the pencil
any thing but him.
But your any thing but engrossed, you see every shake, gaze,
fell every brush of the hand.
Finally, this long hour is over, the mixture of excitement and torture has come to an end.
As is to be expected, on your way still in has gaze, you trip, you stumble, your face cherry red;
embarrassed, but thankful,
that he doesn't have a class with an even more abundant chance of embarrassment.
over the day,
you forget the way he gazes,
his shy way
different from the others,
the way he's taller,
in a way that makes you feel safe, flushed, happy, even if their is no chance of him being yours.
But then lunch comes,
you sit down,
ready to devour food that can only fill your stomach, not your soul as much as you wish it would, or
but looking across,
you spot him, watching you,
his gaze surpassing the walls of people, as much as a shy person wouldn't like,
is it coincidence that he found the one gap with a view of me?
is he staring at me?
what to do?
with all this questing running your mind,
your appetite flee's,
and so do I,
to my safe haven within the books.
tomorrow, the nervousness has subsided, its over, your over, its done.
but then, on the way to first period,
our paths cross,
You know that this is not over, not done,
the time has come for class to begin.
I've tried to forget, to overcome this nervousness, but I've been defeated,
ground to a fine powder of nerves by a crush.
our knees bounce in anticipation,
our pencils tap,
our feet twitch.
time to share the book,
the dreaded closeness.
Finally it happens,
the brush of the elbows.
we both feel it,
the sparks that glow blue,
the cheeks that grow red.
we have been given a gift, a chance,
to overcome shyness,
to create something wonderful.
but to take that chance, to accept this gift means time, courage.
and every day until then,
this tension will be relieved
and i will be a nervous wreck.
We started on opposite sides,
but fate pulled us together, forced a chance.
now we sit close, still tense, still wired,
but strangely happy,
Don't piss off a writer.
Her thoughts will be validated upon paper,
her eyes will cry tears of ink that sink into the pages forming words never quite forgotten,
your past together will be an anthem to young girls who suffer in the same,
when she spits out her blood soaked poetry the guilt will drive you insane.
Don't. Piss off a poet
Because at three thirty in the morning she will write an angry piece about how perfect your eyes looked when the rain splattered your windshield, how your kind words melted the barricade, and when you were safely inside you lit a match, just to see how many things would catch
Dont break a poets heart,
it will not break her pen and when she sends the message across the web of how you hurt her,
the sound will resonate across the night clubs and everyone will know you shattered her like good china, smashed underfoot by a mad man, tension she couldn't bare, and drunk text messages unsent about how much she cares.
We, were an unfinished painting the artist got bored with, A Mona Lisa on an etch sketch,
you curled yourself around me and tucked yourself underneath my tongue,
you said when I smiled your limbs came undone, and you fell in love with me every time I sung to you,
well maybe I should have sung louder, because my message is now falling on deaf ears,
I want to hear the words, I need you, I want to see you, I miss you.
Instead I'm glued to my screen trying not to send you hate mail so obscene,
I never meant to get this attached to you, and maybe that's why you're running away.
If I asked you to stay would you bother? Or just run faster?
I promised myself I wouldn't write a poem about you, because if I did that I would have to open my mouth,
and I'm scared now that you've jumped out, and have found safety in another girls arms, how did I not realize this would cause me harm, I never wanted to fall for you.
Don't make empty promises, to poets.
We will never forget, because we produce the highest form of lies known to man, I can make words in languages you'll never understand, but with a flick of my hand and the right stance I could make you fall in love with me after the second glance. So don't try to lie to a writer, buddy I've been there. You think hearing "I hate you." hurts wait until you wake up to.
"Your eyes make mine want to bleed, your voice crackles up my spine, and shake me to the core. Every time you look at me I think of how many different ways I could feed your organs to starving children in Africa. Your pancreas I'd send to Guam, your heart to Ethiopia. Lead you into the depths of hell and keep you locked up. In case I wanted to play with you later, no. I'm not bitter, what makes you say that."
Or better yet, imagine waking up to silence. I cannot speak for my words are numb to the bubble of hatred in my centre. If I let it escape I will never stop screaming, I've been meaning to tell you that I could never regret anything we've done together.
Everything is put into a sharper perspective at night,
Have you ever noticed the deafening loudness of the eery silence?
You start to comprehend a few things, but not quite,
You want to rebel, create a sort of defiance.
Just in time the others come out, they want to dance.
They ask you to join & promise to make you feel very alive.
You start to move, they watch you prance,
Their stares are a bit unsettling but, you abide.
You can hear your heart beat, or lack thereof,
You can feel your lungs constricting from the smoke.
You're getting carried away.. where's the sheriff?
Where's the ambulance? You're starting to choke!
Your thoughts swirl, your sight is nonexistent,
Your body crashes, you can't hear a sound.
"Don't worry, you'll be okay!" Oh, what an optimistic,
You wish you were okay, you wish you'd be found.
The others have left, you're alone now,
There's nothing around you, nothing but stars.
You were expecting the time of your life, a big wow,
Silly you, thought you knew, nothing good ever happens in The Dark.
You took my hand and lead me down
to the deepest depths of my soul
You showed me who I really am
And the things I'm capable of
You forced me to see
Just how hard I could fight
To silence your demons
That hold me so tight
I fight to stay focused
I fight to stay calm
I fight to keep myself sane
I fight to trust people, including myself
And I fight to forget your name
I'll never forget the day I found out
That everything you said was a lie
I'll never forget the feeling I had
Of wanting to curl up and die
The childish games you played with my heart
Left it a broken mess
I fight to forget you ever existed
And release the pain from my chest
I fight to be trusting
I fight to be fair
I fight to forget the pain
I fight for the chance to let myself feel
And I fight to forget your name
Help me to see
Why you did this to me
What about me led you here
I don't understand,
Forgiveness be damned,
Why you worked for all my tears
Maybe some day you'll meet a sweet girl
And she'll make you feel happy and whole
I hope, if you do, she rips your heart out
And shows you the depths of your soul
Then you'll see why the battle I fight
Is a painful and exhausting ordeal
You'll see how numb the pain can make you
And you'll fight just to be able to feel
You'll fight to feel normal
You'll fight to stay calm
You'll fight to keep yourself sane
You'll fight to know why this happened to you
And you'll fight to forget her name
Clench my hand in a fist
Take a blade and slice my wrist
A cut for all the things i never got,
A cut for all i was never taught
once in hopes to escape
Another for that word called rape
I cut to relieve the pain
And i cut to remain sane
i bleed to not cry
I cut cause i don't know if i wanna die
My wish is to be heard
Treasure all my words
I cut in silence
I cut in violence
A secret never shown
In public or at home
Actions speak louder than words