I lost cuntrol when I was nine years old.
Mother took my hand off my crotch yet left my brother to the confinement of his cock;
Girls good, boys bad, and oh no sweetheart your beauty is your only power.
And I’d blush; not in the way she’d hoped through the sweep of a brush but rather when my teacher left her hand lingering on my back as she bent over to tick the formula of the female form and cross out what the chimes of the church commanded.
I looked at the curve of the x she used to mark the spot and sighed.
Teach me. Teach me your ways so I can breathe in the sweet blossom of your hair as I rest in the bossom of your heart, its smells like lavender. Lavender.
Lavender sweet dreams honey and I will see you there tonight.
It was then I began my perpetual low earth orbit from dream to dream and departed from what mother said that day when I asked the question that makes mothers quake as they smooth out the creases in their dresses and tuck their unravelled hair behind bitten ears.
Making love. We made love only to make you, darling.
Mother smiled sweetly and turned her back on me as her mind traced back to that morning when she made mad passionate love with the milkman when daddy wasn’t looking. I am still waiting for my little sister.
If practice makes me perfect then meet man, mother.
I used his rocket to launch myself into space where I spelt her name out in the stars and jumped over the moon to Venus. I felt the warmth from her skin like the sun that keeps me alive. Alive. Alive.
Warm me, darling, just with the nestle in my vessel in my veins in my sugar coated spaceship.
We found sticks and made smores and we floated together, with my hand tracing your V in that three-dimensional galaxy between your legs we fell in love. No void existed between our celestial bodies as gravity pulled me into your arms.
He came as I came back from space thinking of nothing but the soft shape of her hips and the trail of her spine that led me back to earth.
There’s man with his grey socks still on his feet, dark matter on the sheets and a wrapper on the floor.
Rubbish I thought, but in the sky…
That night my mother asked me why I am smiling.
I said I have become an astronaut in orbit with a woman who I love in space.
She cried shes lost it.
I smiled, nodded yes, I've lost it to her.
I lost cuntrol when the earth, heavens and waters fell in love and sailed and soured as we danced on the tree tops of your garden, with waves crashing beneath us leaving salt shimmering particles like diamonds on your feet.
You were my alphabet soup that filled me with too many words, the thrill of the prize at the bottom of the cereal packet and the noble intentions of stopping the Titanic from sinking with the touch of button.
We had love at first sight like David and Jonathen, Ruth and Naomi who boarded the ark as my back arched in passionate throws below deck, as Noa held Emzaras hand smiling.
Adding a letter to her name on Transgender Tuesdays was just an afterthought.
Opening her drawers to pack up her boxers and bind her breasts Noa smiled as the clock cocked Tuesday.
She entered her escapism; what the Bible calls a natural disaster, I just call natural.
I lost cuntrol when I re-arranged the stars like pick and mix, so I could always find my way back to you. When you said I love you I wondered whether I’d had too many dolly mixtures and where jelly babies came from.
Sugar rimmed your lips like salt on a martini and left me drunk with desire as I licked around your edges. You slipped a haribo ring on my finger and I gave you my loveheart.
I lost cuntrol one day when my lover Alice said eat me. She showed me Dinah who hide beneath her skirt and I followed curiously.
I didn’t ask her to say please but that’s another story.
After her lesson I was told the Sputnik satellite was man-made and I laughed.
Oh no, women have been launching rockets with complete cuntrol between their legs for years, leaving the earths atmosphere and dreaming of everything else but dirty Dick’s dick.
During countdown they think of shopping lists, whether they’ve burnt off enough calories for wine with their girlfriends, and sometimes, sometimes, of her.
Do good girls go gay?
In space, my mother said, in space.
There used to be a cat
my neighborhood until
one stormy night It had to hide.
It looked for a home and
it looked for a home but
it had to live on the side.
The cat meowed and meowed
under a car,
But no one heard since she was far.
After the rain had slowed down,
On the kitties face was a frown.
She kept looking around
to make sure there was no car,
And now shes up in the sky
disguised as a star.
I Met God This Morning.
He Was Sitting At A Bus Stop. I Sat Down Beside Him. I Was Convinced He Was Was Part Of Some Devine Intervention, Thinking If He Could Find Silence So Close To The Street, He'd Finally Be Able To Say He'd Seen A Miracle.
But I Wasn't So Sure i Had Seen Anything Because I Wasn't Raised On A Diet Of Bread And Wine, Oh Excuse Me, Body And Blood, Wasn't Cannibalized By The Holy Spirt. Now Don't Get Me Wrong, I'm Not The Sanctimonious Sacrilegious Type. But I've Placed My Hand, To Enough HeartBeats To Know We're Placed Here For A Reason.
And Then I Met Him Again, In A Convenience Store On The Corner Of Locust. He Kissed The Palm Of My Hand, And Told Me To Pray More Often.
But I Wasn't Prone To Midnight Awakenings, My Tongue Didn't Speak The Same Language The Almighty Savior Did. Everyone Called Him Father, But I Was Told We Were Better Off Without Daddy Around. Hadn't Learned The Right Hymns, My Lungs Not Strong Enough To Hold A Breath Deep Enough For The Two Of Us.
And Then I Saw Him Again. Working A 100 Hour Week, On No Sleep. This Time He Was A Single Mother Of Three, Whose Hands Had Stitched More Wounds Then They Could Care To Count. They Didn't Call It An Emergency Room, For Nothing. Two Hundred Thousand Dollars In Debt Over School Loans, And Still Had The Capacity To Smile. Thats How I Knew It Was Him.
I Wasn't Baptized In Anything Except For Maybe Hell Fire And Brimstone, Seven Shades Of Sin, Out Of Wedlock, With No Shot Gun Wedding Procession. I Didn't Have A Pastor To Preach Me Into Submission. Wasn't Thumbing Any Bibles, No Prequel To My Older Than New Testament. They Called It Faith, But I Wasn't Prepared To Walk Down Any Pitch Black Hallways In Hopes Of A Light Switch.
And Then We, He And I, Crossed Paths, For What Seemed Like Should Have Been The Last Time, He Was Quiet And Collected This Time. Made Weak From His Seventh Round Of Chemotherapy. His Body Was Decaying Around Him. His Spirt Was Practically Screaming To Be Let Out Of The Cage That Was His Ribs. He Passed Me A Note, & All It Said Was “I'll Remember You.”
No One Ever Fed Me A Concoction Of Deity, And Diet. Religion Wasn't A Silver Spoon In My Mouth. Afterlife Sounded Like A Bad Daytime Soap Opera.
But I Know The Creator. She Left Hearts On Notes In New York City Subway Stations. She Tattooed Your Name Onto The Bottom Of Her Foot, So Wherever They Took Her, You'd Be There Too. She Wore Her Heart On Her Sleeve, And Thats Why She Forgot It In So Many Places. She Was Obsessed With Shorelines, And Sunshine. And Shes Convinced We're All Natural Disasters, Happening Naturally, Falling Into Each Other, Against One Another, Like Dry Lightening Storms, Recklessly Stupid, And Always Too Young.
I Know God.
He Was Holding The Umbrella, And Told Me That No One Can Tell The Difference Between Tears And Rain Drops Anyway. He Was There The Day I Almost Drowned, He Pulled Me Out Of The Lake, And Held My Hand Until My Mother Came.
So Maybe I Wasn't The Church Pew Type, Hadn't Spent Hours At Sunday Service, Passing Around Empty Collection Plates, While Plates Else Where In The World Sat Empty. Didn't Know Scripture Like The Back Of My Hand, Two Freckles, Like Constellations, And Five Knuckles Hungry To Be Broken,
But I Know God.
I Know Him Like An Old Friend.
He Kisses My Forehead, When The Monsters Inside The Contours Of My Skull Got Too Loud.
He Holds My Skeleton, In The Early Hours Of The Morning, When I Was Desperate To Leave It Behind.
I Think Some People Might Have Called All Of These A Religious Experience.
But All I Know Is He Was There When I Was Born.
In The Room.
And I Swear His Voice Was The First One I Heard.
I love the way she makes me feel when im sitting
alone with her.
I love how she puts her legs on me like im some kind of
I love how she looks at me when im not looking, like shes
watching the same way
Im watching her
I love the way I can never tell what she is
thinking like she's
keeping me from some great truth
It keeps me going.
I Love how the mere thought of her drives my eyes open,
in sleep or just plain thinking
Most the time I've got a smile on me
I love how she drives my emotions insane like from the pits of hell to
the lights and beauty of hell.
I love how i never know if she cares or not. That keeps
I love that we have a very finite end.
It makes every breath on soft skin shared,
every kiss between our lips,
so much more important than anything that matters.
I love how you've changed me forever
I love how I dont know for bad or worse
I love how nothing els matters when im talking or thinking
I love how sometimes it feels as if we started at nothing and we have
come to nothing.
I love how neither of us knows love for another
And many more, as they say;
"Nothing with a good beginning, has a bad end.
Lungs are full of sludge and it's getting harder to breathe. Tripped in quicksand and its all the way past my sleeve as I sink lower and take at last look at what is surrounding me. My body is being crushed and I just want someone to set me free.
Recollect each memory held dear to me and wondering in my last moments what mark on humanity I've chosen to leave.
Sand consuming my torso. The one she held onto while we kissed and wiggling to much so quickly I start to sink.
The sand at level with my back as I recall the times she left a scratch because she could never see me without leaving a mark or keeping my body intact.
Sand up to my neck while I refer to the burgundy erupted blood vessels that with her lips shes disturbed and because of it I can only hear her moans and not words.
Sand up to my lips and happiness enters my forsaken body as I recall that hers were the last ones I kissed.
Sand now over my head and in our moment of death we refer to the past and learn to love each moment in time. Safe to say that in my moment of death she was the only one on my mind.
So I always said I would'nt "date" a girl I work with
when I say "date" I mean have sex with.
"dates" are not real nomore
"dates" are only leading to both of you gettin a feel to have sex anyways
so why not just have sex and then go out on "dates" that way all the bullshit
get in your pants lines are already out of the way
and the real questions can start.
But I'm craving to have this girl
I'm chewing on the side of my cheek
and the blood is soaking into my mouth
and I just want her so bad.
Shes from Sudan
so She's so dark, tall,pretty.
I asked her out one night on the city
and we walked around and ate icecream
it was a nice "date"
it was even better
when I heard her screams in my apartment
later on that night.
I went over to your house, your smile was corny
I didn't like it, it was creeping me out.
You said lets go inside, I said okay.
you made me do your fucking puzzle. I finished it and you hung it on your door, as if proud of yourself( because it was on the inside)
I suggested we go fishing, you nuged with your lazy shoulders.
/sigh we should really go swimming. You said okay. I go straight ot hte back of wades house like we always do, I laugh at his stupid cat skittles. shes mean to everyone.
you walk though a nieghbers yard you fall twice. Then you let out a "FUCK! " I ask if youre okay you said yes and threw something to the ground.
after a few minutes of thinking about what you threw, i started questioning why you cursed so loudly, youre only 14 why are you cursing, thats just gross.
I look over and you're smoking a cigg. Thats gross. and stupid. you're killing yourself before you even get the chance to live. i pictured you and old lady with a tank and 6 cartons of ciggs gripped in your arms and a mouth full of ciggs. I get chills.
you offer me one, and i say no and walk back to where i was fishing, after a few minutes of getting over the fact of your gross habbi, and I keep thinking of him. I get pissed off and drop the pole and sit. You come over and offer again. I accept. I smoke it all the way to the butt. ( why do they call it a butt. Is it because your kissing ass by buying this product you know will kill you?) I can feel myself calming down. I feel like im relying on it. In a way i am. but i dont want to. I throw the butt in the water and feel ashamed for the rest of the day.
I never came back over, but i hope you can see why. Its nothing personal, you're just gross.
I'm just done with all this shit. FUKING DONE. All I ever do is look out for her and her family and all I get from her own mother is disrespect and humility and talking behind my back to the girl of my dreams??? Wtf??? Why the fuck would I stay and take this shit?? Dad.. If u can hear me wtf is going on. This is ridiculous and I can't take it. Her mother is tearing my heart outta my chest. I know I said to not let parents get in the way but fuck. This is retarded and I can't believe I'm still here yet trying to fix everything when idk if its going to work. Why would I do what I do and treat everyone so good? For this to happen to someone like me? Like this could happen to my dad 3 months ago with his. Passing... Why??? This worlds a fucked up place. Aeriel doesn't know it and all I do is try to show her what I've been through and tell her yet nothing really clicks until its too late. Apparently im a liar when Shes talking to my bitch ex that SHE SAW WAS LIEING to me just 2 FUCKING DAYS AGO. Doesnt believe her true love???Everything's too late. My dads passing... My uncle being how he has to my girlfriend, my girlfriend Aeriel being how she is, and her fucking witch mother. Can't stand her. Treat her daughter like gold and I get dumpstered on by her knowing I can't retaliate or it's over between her daughter and I. That piece of shit old bitchy witch. Wouldn't tell my girlfriend, my life, that her moms as bad as she is but not even I would try to say some of the things I'm thinking. I'm done. The only little piece of me staying... Is my true love for this girl...
We sat around staring at cars drving by
and I grabbed your hand and told you to never run away
but this was a promise that we both know you would shatter and break.
So I watch the break lights hit on a Hinda Civic
and I grasp your thigh and say baby you make me love sick
all I ever wanted was a girl like you thick in the ass but skinny in the arms.
She looks into my eyes and tells me that Im a stand up guy
and she would never try and hurt me
but I know shes Fly so one day She Will Fly Away.
But for the day were inlove and thats enough for me
......I have to stop thinkin like that
she wont go away
if I keep opening the doors for her.
Damn she just told me to go down
so I dove down and wrapped her legs around my neck
her legs were cuttin off the circulation to my brain
so I went even more insane.
the trick is to breathe out your nose
kinda like blowin a Deedridoo or inhaling into a bong.
But if you do it right
she'll be dancin on your ding dong
playing with your balls like some ping pong
and takin it to the head like her teachers were cheech and chong.
I remember her saying Oh God
I told her To pray to the Good Book
she did So I gave her some good dick
told her after we finish shes gonna get up and cook
she said Oh Jay I'll do anything you say
if you keep eatin that pussy
and I said
All Damn Day