My thoughts came upon the subject of the term "consolation" and the situations that call for it.
How in the worst moments of our lives, we listen to people who aren't even responsible for how we feel, tell us that they are sorry. Everyones had this said to them at one awful moment in their life or another, and that phrase just isn't what we want to hear. Or even what we need to hear. Yet, its actually worse to hear nothing, so we accept it. But theres more ways to console someone. Most people have been near the burst of tears, or all ready crying, when someone tries to comfort them physically some way. And thats when we tend to lose complete control. It can be aggravating, but the worse option is for someone you care about to see you in that state and just walk away. So we accept it. On the receiving end its not always understood why we are getting this attention, and if we are honest, we don't always feel as though we deserve it.
So why do we say that we are sorry? Because, its the best we can do. It's all we know to say. Why do we offer a gentle hand, or a sheltering hug? This is what I struggle to make since of, I mean, how I grew up, at an early age it was just what I was supposed to do. So instead of trying to come up with an explanation on a large scale for countless people, I suppose I will say what it is I want someone to know in the situation without verbalizing it all in a moment when conversation isn't exactly wanted.
That they are safe, that despite all the chaos in their life, in that moment they are safe. To know that someone cares, someone is on their side. When our world is falling apart the worst thing we could feel is that we are alone, so most importantly, I want them to know that I am there.
I haven't the slightest clue how I got on the topic, but here I am, trying to make sense of this etiquette that I continue to encounter.
Find the words to say
Let the tears rain
Let them pour down your face
And wash your pain away
The sun will come out
I need something to believe in today
Jealousy is a cruel thing
A green monster who loves to play
The thought of it stings
Didn't notice the fear overcoming me
Now my sanity is going under me
I know what you like to drink to
The bottles blue
Yeah, you love the taste of Bombay
Theres a bottom to that bottle
And your already halfway
I won't lose if life's a game
I'll gamble it till I have no more blood to pay
I promised myself I'll make the pain go away
Look her in the eyes
With my own war veiled eyes
Look her in the eyes
Try not to shy away.
Come back to me
Don't leave me
Don't let this
monster, this darkness
boy fitting into the cracking skin of a girl
take me over
Look her in the eyes
Try not to look away
Look and see
All the hidden rejection, the hurt, the longing, the numbness
That you made her feel
Look her in the eyes
Try not to say sorry
You were meant to destroy your adoptive mother
And be abandoned by your biological one
Look her in the eyes
Try not to
My beating heart
Put on the clothes
Maybe it's today
Put on the makeup
The day he'll notice
At the bus stop
At the school
I'm over this
Two more periods
Walking to the classroom
Play it cool
See his face
A smile on mine
Period is almost over
Get ready to run
Pray he waits
See him standing
Feel I'm the only one
Say our goodbyes
I wish there was more time
He walks away
I wish you were mine
Day goes on
It's all a blur
Out time on my mind
Trying to sleep
I wish you were mine.
But not today.
you can act like you hate me and never speak to me again.... but we both know that this wont be the end.
You can go on with your life living each day but you wont get the thought of me out of your head and forever there is where I will stay.
You can fight what you feel and turn it into dislike... but you and I both know what you will say wont be right.
I have always been about to feel certain things about you and I know how I feel and its the same way I do.
for what ever reason you wont allow yourself to feel it ... so let the ache hurt so bad that you finally accept it.
You will think of me after your with each and every chick...cus deep down you know where u should be you fucking prick.
I will let you go but I wanted you to know that your going to still think about me.... and that's how it will be until you can see that all you need in life is to trust in me.
I haven't gone beyond the skin
Beyond the bones I've settled in
And when I stir within myself
I search for what can make me well
The water's gone and so I thirst
My state of mind is getting worse
Fatigue has plagued my body full
A weariness I never knew
I want to say a lot of things
Before my voice no longer sings
I move again, my lips in queue
The notes are gone and I am too
I heard a story
about an old pine tree
somewhere by the sea
singing a lullaby
and if the waves
that come ashore
listen to the song
the sea falls asleep
some say that
under the moonlight
the old pine tree
and that at night
when all is asleep
gather to listen
"My birthday is in 5 days :3 I get excited like a kid ((:"
"You are like the sun light streaking through my window of life every morning, reminding me how blessed I am.... "
"My vocabulary linguistics can't fathom let alone transcend into expression the intense profound passion driven emotions I feel for you. It's called love, with a pinch of deep passion <3"
"The intensity of the feeling, the warmth in my stomach every time I say I love you, the passion of my heart ... It's like a very new and different, special feeling.. "
"I know you are smiling, you were smiling reading what I had to say and that's exactly how I know you look the most beautiful - smiling <3"
"I was at the hospital today, the doctor said I'd be fine. Don't ask for what or why, please."
"Best of luck........"
All the stuff you used to say to me. Everything.
I have them all imprinted on my mind,
in that secret corner that I dedicated as the space for you.
It's all there, everything.
From the first word you said to me,
till the last word.
They're all there, spinning around in my mind.
I woke up this morning with a tear stained face.
It seems like that's the only way I find myself
when I'm all alone or when I wake up these days,
With a tear stained face.
This morning, I washed away the tear stains and put on a big smile.
Pretended that I was okay. That nothing was bothering me.
What they say is true,
"the happiest of them are the ones who cry themselves to sleep."
You should talk to my pillow some time.
It'll tell you the truth.
That you're all I think about when I'm asleep.
You're always on my mind.
You've given me too much to remember, I can't forget you now.
It's too hard. I take this as punishment for letting you go.
9th December 2013 now.
At this exact moment, you're no longer 16.
15 more days, and I'll be as old as you were just 15 days before.
You're One year older than me.
I'm One year younger than you.
Wait for me to catch up please.
This race with time is driving me crazy now.
It's moving too fast.
I'm tripping too much.
I'm falling too hard.
It's getting harder to get up every day.
But I wont stop.
No matter what, I'll keep running.
'Cause I live with a hope that you'll come back some day.
They say you wont. That I'm being stupid. But deep in my heart,
I know you will come back. I really do.
Prove them wrong, my love. Come back.
And we'll knucklebump one more time and start off from right where we left,
Cause after you get here, nothing will be wrong again.
Till you get back, I'll just settle down by wishing you a very happy birthday [on here].
Sometimes I forget that you
cannot absorb as much
as you like to say you can.
I forget that you are human, and not more,
not the impassive statue that you
would like to be.
I have seen you
in your weak points and I
have helped you through
some bad days and I
your true form.
Forgive me, I
am so full of words tonight that
I overflowed and nearly
drowned you, even as you stood
ready to try and help me safely swim
the dangerous currents
of my own disintegrating being.
Forgive me, I
would mop up these streams and
plug up these holes and even
divert rivers in the tradition of Heracles
to clean out the accumulated grunge
of everything I have dumped on you.
I would let my mind
stop burbling and my words run dry
if only you will
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and tease
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn’t have to bother with me, I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both and had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt like I was the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out and put her in to get her GED
Soon she was out within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
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