I had a dream
To live in the mountains,
With a dog,
A black border collie to be exact,
Become an author,
Write a book
But still
Hang out in that mountain.

I had a dream,
That one day
I'd go on a road trip,
Just me and my best buds,
Snapping photos,
Chatting,
Just living a life
with no worries at all.

I had a dream
That I'd grow up happy
Don't care about the money,
Don't care about the stress,
Just happiness.

I had a dream,
And you?

You crushed it with a
All your
Might.

The author?
That's never gonna happen
Because you're gonna spend
Seven years studying
Architecture
Designing buildings,
Being all techy,
You won't have time for your
Stupid little dog,
Or your mountains,
None of that would

Exist.

Your road trip?
You'll be spending time on the road
In congestions
Towards the city,
Where you'll go to work
Where you'll suffer
For the rest of your life.

Until
You
Die.

Your worst idea
Is growing up being
Happy.

Happiness is when you finally become
Successful,
But that ain't never gonna happen to you,
Success isn't for lazy pigs
Who cause parents to split apart,
Who ruin lives,
Who dream of stupid dreams
Like living on mountains
With a dog.

You're gonna stay this way,
Forever,
Perhaps be my little servant one day.
You wanna talk about dreams?
Well my dream
Is to
See
You
Suffer.

I have one last dream,
It still lives on
It grows bigger and bigger
Every night.
It's the only one left,
That I still hold onto
Dearly:
To save someone
From a car accident,
I pray it's soon,
I pray it's now.

Then finally,
I'll prove you wrong,
And I'll finally die

Happy.

Is it a love story, or just a tragedy?
Is the tragedy how completely incompetent you are?
How sad a story for someone to be so broken,
that they are no longer a person.
A person would never hurt another like that.
A true human being would never treat someone like that.
I am mean, because you are cruel.
I am finished, because you were too weak and gave up too many times.
Do not blame me for your mistakes,
do not blame me for walking.
Too much of a coward to read what you have done.

Giving up your humanity was your choice,

it was never mine.
My choice is to let you, the heartless soul that I tried to help so many times.
Who left me alone, left me and ignored me at every turn.
My choice is to live while you die.
My choice is to smile,
You just want me to remain in the hell you created for me.
While you smile,
I refuse to give anymore of myself for someone
who never once saw my life for how horrendous you have made it.
Never tried to fix it
Never gave up the things that broke it.

You were my everything,
and you took yourself away and made yourself nothing.
You ignored everything and expected me to ruin myself,
while you carried on.
I am done,
I am finished.
You are not who I loved in the first place,
you are no longer you.
I am not holding onto to who you were,
when you never would.

Do this, do that
a reward you'll get-
-in appreciation, they said,
but exhaustion they forgot.

Do this, do that,
that'll help your grades
this year they said.
from good to bad.

Don't play, don't play
mug up your books they said
future will be fun they said,
the biggest lie our life has had.

I won't study, I said,
You'll ruin yourself, they said,
Do what you want-
- it's your life, they said,
and I think it was well said.

I do so hope you're not as lost as I,
My young, beloved warrior.
Why that tear bedims your eye,
As you charge forth to your death

I hope you know what you're fighting for,
My passionate, silly lover boy
Why you chose to end your life before
Any of it had even started

I want to know why, naive, young man
You went and left me here alone,
To sit and wonder how I can
Bring you back to me

But every time you hear that name,
I see you burn with anger,
I see your heart burst into flame
With a passion I'll never understand

I don't know what it did to you,
That one inglorious monster,
Of the pain you feel I have no clue
Or of the terrors which came after

So come back to me once more my love,
Don't let it ruin all you care for
And I will help you rise above
The anger and the pain

I really don’t care about Valentine’s Day. I mean unless you have someone special to share it with it’s mostly just another day of over romancing couples dancing around in their perfect little harmony. Mostly, I just treat it like another day, school, library, and then swim in its exact perfect order. My own little symphony of life and Valentine’s Day is just something that might interrupt it. I’m not saying I dread it, just it depends on if you’re single or in a relationship. Personally, I’m fine being single, it’s just that Valentine’s Day when you see all the lovers and swoons, well, you feel a little lonely. I mean most of my friends have somebody and I’m fine with that, but everywhere when their “somebody” is around I feel and little intrusive and odd. As a plus though, I never have to worry about a date on Valentine’s Day and if by a miracle I get one it’s going to be with someone I feel comfortable around, so I really don’t have to stress it. On down side though, is so many couples end in tragedy do to the internet. People say and do things there you’d never expect and that can effect a relationship badly. He might like the wrong picture or she might talk to the wrong guy. Plus, with internet dating you never really know who you’re really “in love” with. It’s so easy to lie on the internet, how can you know the person is who they say they are? Also, money can ruin a relationship. What if he didn’t get you anything or you got him something cheap? See, these are all perfectly logical reasons of how easy single is. Sometimes though, you miss the love in your heart, head, and body, the feel of a warm embrace, and the strength that comes from something as easy as a held hand. Love is just a overproduced emotion that can be real or fake. Oh well though, I’m not the only one who must feel this way. Is anyone out there that has the same thoughts and feelings?

She says "Just try to smile"
Like when we ran to Ohio
And the midwest welcomed
you and I

I said "Girl, I'm not all that sure"
If optimism really works
Cause Happiness and I
never saw eye to eye

And we would argue
about who's cuter
when they're angry
when they're not
and when this whole world falls to ruin
You are all I've got

They say that time doesn't exist
But it's impossible to prove it
how funny is it now
that it's the same thing for my heart

let's go to the start
tell you how I met your mother
and how we spent the next five years
not dating on another

crying in her basement
she thought that hope was lost
and that smile that was stolen
really had a cost

Baby, you are priceless
no one should put you in the corner
or the discount rack of life
these little lies I told her

Were nothing but the truth
though that seems relative to you
but the only thing I'm sure of
is the things I never knew

Don't say it's true

Just one more month till I can see you
and then we're not alone
until then just know I'm waiting
and feeling oh so comatose

Hurled, entwined, the eyes go black,

Steel sarcophagus, demons stare back,

A glimpse so foul, of the abyss,

My life, it ends, possibility is missed,

The blood, gooey warm, and slick,

Lubrication of foulest finery and sick,

Glass shattering in mindless trance,

Thrown in the air to land on our back,

Twisted, cruelly formed, we look in oblivion,

Nothing sacred, it fits my life's ruin,

"Take me now Azrael, for I fear you not,"

Death will allow me to find peace and rot,

Worried, fearful, the gore too much,

Too little for my hands to touch,

Scalp displayed, upon landing safe,

I cry out, calming and wait,

The blood drips down upon my hand,

The pale skin turns sanguine, I find it hard to stand,

Entombed in metal, a twisted turn of fate,

She leaps to thought, I caress her cheek,

"Safe, be still, I'm here" I repeat.

I relocate my shoulder, a sickening pop

stomach turning pain, the faint I stop.

I wrench the door, and run around,

I rip hers open and rip casing to the ground,

Too shocked to cry, I gaze upon the wound,

I assess it as severe, although life is imbued,

_

CALL FOR HELP

I scream like the Devil.

My wrath for nothing but fear of loss

Drives my fury for her safety lost,

I hold a bandage to her head, and wait the eternal wait,

Speaking comforting lies, hoping they were true, and damning my own fate,

I hold her close and kiss her cheek,

I wipe the blood from my lips and realize I am weak.

"God, I'd give my life for her to heal"

Maybe it's a nightmare, this cannot be real.

-

In safety's arms, I still cry out,

I'M FINE, SEE TO HER, in doubt,

I leave my bed to wander the halls,

Searching for my name be called,

To be exhaled through the lips of a love,

To find my heart flutter, the wings of a dove,

The sight of her stabbed my eyes,

"Something so precious...", myself I despised.

I fought my way to her, and was almost placed in arrest,

I returned calm, I'm no help in duress,

I stand by her side and kiss her hand,

As my heart died, she smiled, I could stand.

i.
my first idol was gene kelly
i wanted to tip my hat to frilly women
creases in my trousers so sharp
they could be used as weapons
i would smell like cedar
shaving cream
cigarette smoke
dank alleyways where bruises are bestowed
and everyone has a second
stomach-down on an orange shag carpet
chin in hands
til my elbows were rubbed raw
watching a gender i could never perform
pressed into the seams of a slate-blue suit

ii.
my grandmother equates food and love
but won't try anything green
or tomatoes
or bell peppers
or brown bread
or breakfast
but grandma, the waffles
the frozen cinnamon ones
you had to wait long excruciating moments for
drenched in syrup, not even the real stuff
and cookies after lunch
and ice cream for dessert
and white bread
with a wink, a "shh don't tell"
to this day i cannot eat
without the long fingers of guilt
counting my ribs like beads

iii.
there is a house
rising out of the backyard of my grandparent's house
it is one story taller
and fifty years newer
it stands on my grandmother's rose bushes
it stands on her pansies
her snapdragons
the beauty bark paths
and the small trinkets that defined their edges
i bet you can't even see
the patch of grass where grandpa parked his truck
for twenty years and plants grew
all sparse and yellow and shriveled
that house is built on top of the three or four trees
we played in, thought were a forest
the hundreds of pinecones
some as big as my head
some as small as my thumb
once i drove past this malignant mansion
and wanted to throw fists at it
to challenge it
i waited for a long time
waiting for it to grow while it thought i wasn't looking
for it to engulf my grandparent's house
which suddenly seemed tiny and brown in comparison
the next time i am there
i expect i will tiptoe
and wait for my child-self to appear
so we can warn each other
of the coming ruin