Is back and it's not good
They gave me prop 36
Like I knew they would
They give it to you so you fail
And then they get to put you in jail
I asked for a live-in place
And they just laughed in my face
If I could do this on my own
I wouldn't be like this
And they know
But they rather you be in the
System to make them some green
That don't care if you die
Or even OD
I was so ready to do it right
Now I am livid
And of course
Better grab some while you can.
Remember when you said "no, you ain't my man?"
Years from now you'll be alone,
and I'll be writing novels, my talent full grown.
A single tear from your eye will fall,
but don't even bother wasting time making a call.
You made a decision, now you gotta live by it,
and they'll be paying me to speak, tv and shit.
Someday, your boyfriend will by a book,
he'll read you one line from it and you'll know its me without even a look.
You have a man, he's on your arm,
when you see my name on the shelves, I'll be long gone.
You'll realize what you had,
but you threw it all away, you must've been mad.
Someday, you'll see that it's all true,
no need to debate, I'm the best at what I do.
You might be thinking "damn, this boy's arrogant"
but you gotta fake it 'till you make it and then a little more.
But for now, I'll sell my shit to buy drugs
and when I'm all out of shit I'll start stealing
and when I've stolen everything, I'll start earn it.
And when I've earned the highest accolades
I'll just smile
because I told you so,
and you told him he was the one.
Someday you'll cry because there won't be a sunrise,
and you'll realize the mistake you've made.
I may be a loser junkie right now,
but the next bump will be last
just like the one I blew five minutes ago
just like the first time I ever tried it a high school bathroom
just like every bump in between.
Consider me a circle
With a single piece that's gone
Rolling through my life
To try and figure out what's wrong
I continue moving
to fill my missing part
Though I am denied
I just try to find my heart
It's harder than I think
Finding pieces big and small
I'm running out of options
I think I've tried them all
And then I find the one
It seems to fit just right
And for the life of me
I just hold on so tight
But it starts to crumble
a pile on the floor
I spend a second looking
Before rolling towards the door
And then after a while
It all happens again
I find another perfect piece
My heart is on the mend
But this one isn't tight enough
It slips right from my grasp
And now my piece is gone again
Remaining in the past
And though this may be difficult
To roll with such a hole
I keep looking for my missing piece
With hope filling my soul
they're all liars
calling me perfect
it's all lies
I see right through them
so I'll scratch
and cut at my skin
to prove I'm worthless
they'll see how I feel
Why did you want me?
I'm the solution to your loneliness?
Are you only using me because no one else wants you?
Love is too much of a dangerous game to play
I can never roll the dice the right way
I always lose at something I once wanted to win
I never get the mark
I know you don't want to look at me
My weird nose
My fat body
I'm a creature no one will ever want
I don't have the appeal
I don't have the personality
I never liked the right bands
I never sang the right song
Something about me was always out of tune
My guitar always breaks
One by one
The strings start to fall
Everything starts to fade
And takes my memory away
Just leave me be
No one ever love me please
Phone a ringing,
first time since yesterday as the day was a gleaming,
my life isn't straight,
and I don't want to wait,
but keeping me here isn't a house,
its a girl that laughs like a mouse,
wishing to take it all away,
I choke and say,
goodbye and hang it up,
bags a packed and cant burn no fire,
I'm a terrible liar,
when I say goodbye,
because how can one be good,
the word is used and misunderstood,
you called in a time of need,
and I was to tired to say what was right,
phone a ring, first time since yesterday,
when all you wanted me to say,
was fuck them, and you are the one that makes me ok.
Glimmers of hope,
You give me a lot.
And whenever i see you,
My forehead gets hot.
I get weak in the knees.
I could just die.
But then we get to talking,
And I get lost in your eyes.
A forbidden feeling
I indulge in too much.
A flickering light,
Thats hot to the touch.
Those relationships stink.
But ours is quite different
Well what do you think?
Thats the thing.
We can never talk about this.
For our relationship,
Remember that word,
It means I still have a chance.
And that needs to be heard.
Now my head is a mess.
But you won't know.
Your lounging in the warmth,
And I'm shivvering in the snow.
I want a conclusion,
Is it a happy ending?
So do you like me or not?
Can we quit the pretending?
But i can't ask you this.
Ive said this before.
Im going on and on,
Im becoming a bore.
But theres so many questions,
As i lie in my bed,
"Did i say the right thing?
What goes in your head?
What goes in your head?
What goes in your head..."
Now you all know,
What goes on in MY head,
Now i can sleep,
Knowing this has been said.
-Part 3, December 9th-
My True love.
She entered my life at random, miscellaneously speaking with her about her beauty, injecting more flirtation, as is my way.
Then one day I started to stress. The woman I was trying to court, the one with the gorgeous name too beautiful to be spoken, I was falling for her. Far too quickly. And I needed to let her know, I needed to advance the relationship.
I was panicking. I don’t know why, but, I chose a girl at random, the most beautiful I could see at the time, and I began to ask her advice. I wanted to know from a beautiful woman’s perspective what I should do.
She, Belle, told me I should just walk straight up to her and kiss her right on the face. The thought of it made me turn red with embarrassment. It was such a bold move, could it work?
I asked if she was serious, and sure enough she was. This (at the time) blonde woman I chose at random was telling me to march right up the this girl I was head-over-heels for, and kiss her.
I never did. But for some reason, I fell in love with Jami Belle. I still feel guilty for leaving the gorgeous name behind, but, this woman, was something more.
She sent me a preposterous photo of her making this awfully crude face akin to a duck. And my heart melted. This drop dead beautiful girl I don’t even know just exposed herself in one of the most vulnerable poses I’ve ever seen. I loved her. I wanted her. And I told her.
I didn’t pull my usual bullshit and just, try to manipulate her into being in a relationship with me. I told her “I’m falling for you, Jami.”
The next couple weeks were spent wooing her. Constant messaging. Exchanging of truths and flirtations. Then one day, I was sitting in a park, surrounded by amazing music, perfect weather, and I told her “I’m sitting here, surrounded by beautiful people, and I can only think of you.”
I think that’s when she fell for me. Thank god. My chest exploded every night thereafter.
The next two months were spent in love. Complete love. Kissing and snogging and exchanging the most sacred of ourselves to each other. Promises. Embraces. Comfort. True love.
She was in my dreams, almost every night. I loved remembering those dreams. She was my everything.
We had some bumps, who doesn’t? She left me for a bit, we kissed and made up. She told me she couldn’t be rid of me. I melted.
-Note here, This isn’t some shitty teen drama. This may legitimately be the rest of my life.-
Time passed, we were good again. I told her, I asked her “Will you marry me someday?” She made sure I heard her yes.
I ended up with some jewelry for her, A red beaded bracelet and a ring of steel woven like a Celtic knot. I suppose It was a planned promise ring.
He and I... Started to go downhill. As the temperatures dropped, so did both of our emotions. We both seeped slowly into depression and neither knew what to do.
She lives many many miles away. Some nights I lay awake thinking that if she were just a little closer, it could have been better, but no. We both seeped lower.
I couldn’t get her my gifts. She couldn’t get me hers.
We slowed talking. Soon neither of us had anything to say.
She began to ignore me. I can’t blame her; life was terrible, and nothing could be said.
I was terrified of her. She could break my heart, my will, my name and my power at any given moment; through ignoring me, or responding curtly. I was horrified of what we had become.
This didn’t feel like the true love it once was.
Eventually I became convinced that our love was dead. I was in shambles. I cried a little every day thinking of it, deciding if it were true.
Then an influential figure of mine got me to begin speaking on the subject. Soon, I poured every detail I cared to tell to him, about how I felt, was feeling and all of it. I cried so hard, I don’t know how to describe. I was hysterical. This was the worst I’d ever felt. And it was my fault. I was deciding to end it (with the major influence of this figure I was speaking with). He told me he was shocked, not thinking I was that deeply in love. Me said how he hadn’t felt a heartbreak, a TRUE heartbreak like this until he was in his 20s. I was only 16.
I poured the water. I decided.
It must be dead. She didn’t love me anymore.
I needed closure. I wrote to her, telling her things I shouldn’t have. Absolutes about our relationship, our present, and our future. I spoke to her of her strength, her perfection, how she will always be wanted and loved. It was impossible not to.
And I walked away. I tried to grow. I tried to learn.
I put bandages on my wounds. They began to heal. And scar. Scar deeply.
I got to the point where I could finally flirt with girls again. They jumped on that train and took much of a liking to me. It was nice to feel the attention again, but every time I did, I could really only remember the compliments and sayings and kisses Jami gave to me.
I was still in love.
I was trapped in a purgatory. I had said goodbye, forever; but my heart screamed for her.
Then the astounding happened. She texted me. “Marshall?”
I began to pour water from my eyes and sob silently. “Jami, I need you,” I screamed to myself.
It was slow. There were a lot of revelations between both of us. Truths, some great, others... destroying, obliterating. But she was back. She loved me.
I loved her.
Always, and forever.
The most gorgeous, the most perfect woman in the world. Mine.
Let me start by saying one thing,
That two words cannot possibly express,
Thank you for being my best friend.
Thank you for being there,
Thank you for coming into my life,
At just the right moment.
There has been some days,
Where everything is going wrong,
And I'm tired,
And 1000% done with life,
And ready to leave,
And then you say "hey".
My day instantly gets better,
And I dont feel so bad.
You made me promise,
Promise to not hurt myself,
And within one day,
I broke that promise.
I dont deserve to have a person like you,
To call my best friend.
But for some reason,
You stick by my side.
I cant say that enough times...
I love you..