This is my final goodbye to you. And I'm so sorry. I know I said that you would always have me. I know I promised that I would be waiting right here for you to come back to me. But outside, as the seasons passes countlessly, the air chilled me to the bone and the wind howled into my ears, shaking and beating my body into havoc. I'm not retreating; I'm moving forward.
Maybe I waited so long because I'm used to the abuse. It's all I have ever loved. And up till now, I believed it was all I deserved. I grew up never knowing love and so I ended up searching for it in all the wrong places. I'm afraid you're another misguided destination. But I don't really mean that. I guess. We were somewhat good for each other. If we hadn't met, neither of us would be in existence today. I still remember how you convinced me there is a reason to live on my 17th birthday. I was the one, despite your anger and will, that saved you from the damage you inflicted on yourself.
It's rather upsetting how clearly I can remember all of the good memories. How you were so truly in love with me before you even knew it. You treated me like the most beautiful and fascinating girl and for once in my life, I believed it. I really believed it. I miss it all. The nights that we stayed up, endlessly asking each other questions because we wanted to know every little detail. At 4 a.m. you apologized for keeping me up on a school night and I told you that I would much rather talk to you than sleep. And by your reaction, I knew you were not used to that and so tried from there on to make you feel as special as you truly are. Our first date, exploring downtown, you never let go of my hand. I had boyfriends before but...they never held my hand in public. And I thought that was the loveliest thing. And when you kissed me for the first time, or rather every time, every atom of my body electrified. The early mornings, under covers, you touched my skin so gently....But ever before we knew each other, when we just gazed at each other across campfires and crowded rooms, I knew I wasn't through with you. However, I'm afraid that time has arrived. I knew this time would eventually come, but nothing could have prepared me.
The happy moments may exist in distant memories, but this overwhelming pain, hatred, sadness, and desperation is constant proof of the reckless and apathetic wreckage you have inflicted. How you chose every single thing over me. Over us. Our relationship was such a joke. You will never love anything more than those damn chemicals in that fucking needle. I could never be close to you because that blonde cum covered bitch was between us from the start. And in the end, you acted as if this relationship was too much effort for you.
When you said goodbye, I knew it wasn't for the last time. We always find our way back to each other. But I have to close the door. I can't allow you to enter my life again. Although I love you to the ends of the earth, I have to start loving myself. No matter how difficult that may be. I'm sorry.
Te amo, mi novio.
I never really let myself look back at it,
you know, since I transformed into this person,
since my heart relearned its beat,
and my eyes regained their sight,
and my mouth relearned a speech that could stand up for
the brain that's had to muster every ounce of confusion,
every spec of pain,
every seed of anger,
and release it until the look in my tearless and fearless eyes
gained light again.
I never wanted to lose you.
I just had to if I wanted to come back from the dead,
from the grave I made in my hollow bed,
formed with baby green sheets and a pillow for my headstone.
That was your choice.
I just walked away from a world that would never care.
Sometimes... I just really hate when you're the inspiration behind
the fingertips clicking on the keyboard,
when you're the reason why I let myself bleed into a poem,
when you're the motive in a desperate attempt for me to have something for myself.
And then I remember... that's how I escape the way I'd wrap
around your conniving little finger until it turned to blade.
I always find it interesting to see how fleeting my existence can be.
It's like a game, isn't it?
The drunken texts, the awkwardly un-awkward hugs, the hellos and goodbyes
that turn into absolutely nothing.
It's funny how I'm the one who can be normal.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do is accept that you aren't you,
that almost everything you do is a charade,
you parade about wanting pity and remorse,
you love the sadness as much as you hate it,
you hate the deception as much as you crave it,
and I simply cannot do that.
Maybe I haven't fully accepted it yet.
I wonder when I'll be visible again.
It was strange almost as strange as Thanksgiving with Justin Bieber at his grandmother's house.
Yes I'm sure that wasn't the only thing getting stuffed that year.
Who doesn't enjoy being serenaded by their grandson as he's naked with his pick in one hand and
his dick in the other as he stands butt ball naked in the kitchen.
Thanks Canada your like a dirty girlfriend who instead of giving a great blowjob gave us herpes What do I expect from a country that also gave us maple syrup and call me maybe.
I know we just met and this sounds crazy but your countries music sucks so never call us okay.
I was alone in the Pub as usual hell what do you expect from a site that has a showcase yet has no more groups from which half of the showcases are named after .
Yeah the owner has that true modern day logic like having a music channel that only shows
reality show whores and knocked up bitches who complain about paying the bills yet are employed by the network yeah common sense it really is lost on stupid people.
I was having like half of a case when a hamster who shall remain unnamed due to she would
harm me if I spoke the name of which is not to be spoken of walked through the door.
Gonz set me up with a cold one I really need it.
Really hamster I never pegged you as a necrophilia kind of gal but to each his own
good thing I got the paper let me just check the obituaries and make some calls
You want something fresh off the highway or you more into cold cuts?
I know I'm going to hell but honestly did you expect good taste in reading this shit ?
Are you fucking nuts?
The agitated little hamster asked as she looked at me with anger and possible rape in her eye's.
Look I can always hope good thing I forgot my whistle.
Just give me a cold beer you pervert and that joke was tasteless really have you no respect for anything?
I looked at the hamster after handing her the beer and thought deeply and hard pulling my mental hair at the same time even though I don't have any don't ask.
It's my job to make tasteless jokes and be a pervert what you think the time clock on the walls for?
Um employees ?
Well yeah it used to be until they whole health care shit I swear I give my workers one meal a week and provide a perfectly good basement for them now I got to give them health care duh
if I paid my bills what would I drink with ?
My customer who remains anonymous to protect the safety of my balls.
Looked at me in disgust uh oh looks like I might be getting a spanking as well.
You really keep those poor people locked in the basement ?
Duh person I cant say your name there not real people there here illegally.
How can you say that I should call the cops on you .
The hamster was turning red and from the threat of calling in the fuzz I knew she must be
serious yet still I knew deep down she was just playing hard to get with her threats and restraining orders but enough with the foreplay hamsters.
Look I really don't see what the big deal is ?
You have people trapped in your basement like some dirt bag smuggler.
Now you hold on a minute hamster how dare you insult me I said in my grown up voice
I know I can act like a grown up shocking isn't it?
I was about to tell this hamster just what I really thought of people who take advantage of people
who just want a better life and exploit others and really preach some of that moral shit that sounds real good yet isn't what I think cause I'm truly a ruthless bastard.
When I stopped and saw the clock oh shit hold that thought I almost forgot to feed the basement people.
I reached under the bar and grabbed four cartons of cigarettes and a case of wine.
What in the hell you only give those poor people booze and cigarettes ?
Well duh there French what else would they want?
Just then a voice came up from the dungeon I mean basement of the pub gonzo more wine
you American swine I hate you yet still I applaud your efforts in destroying that vile
man child Selena Gomez .
Ahh you got love the French sure that strange little man may stay drunk on a girl drink and smoke like a chimney but even he hates shit pop music as much as me.
My one and only reader slash customer slash person I enjoy annoying sat in shock.
You are so fucked up .
I looked as I took my seat behind the bar that no longer exists because some people
who shouldn't be allowed out of there cage run the site into the like button ground.
Yes hamster I'm a little ruff around the edges but when you get to know me.
You realize behind all the insults and perverted bad humor .
I'm well I'm far worse than you could ever imagine.
We sat there swapping stories the drinks flowed the French man in the basement yelled
something in that strange language he spoke once I couldn't understand cause I
don't speak German.
It was a true night to remember except for the part I forgot duh!
It was growing closer and closer to closing time I mixed us both a good strong drink
yet with a soft side and heart of gold like a awesome hooker or that man tranny Kim Kardashian .
Well I guess better head out Gonz.
Aren't you feeling like your going to pass out .
Um no why ?
Dammit its really getting bad when you cant trust a good street dealer to quality
The hamster was headed out the door but before she left she turned and said.
Oh yeah and you might need to grab a pillow.
And then everything went black but not like in the NBA .
No indeed I was out like Charlie sheen after a really good coke binge when he used to be cool.
I awoke upon the floor alone cold and hurting in a area far more strange than fifty one
dammit man whya alien would travel across the galaxy only to corn hole rednecks and poetic madmen is beyond me but enough about what some owners of websites do in there off time.
Upon the bar sat the only cure for my troubles a double shot of good blended whiskey.
Next to it a note on a bar napkin .
Dear Gonz next time remember to remember which drink you spiked you dumbass .
I had to laugh and sit really funny the seat was a bit uncomfortable get your heads out of the gutter
children your almost as bad as me.
Until next time kids remember .
Good humor bad humor its just fucking a joke to begin with so lighten the fuck up.
Cheers and stay crazy.
And remember if it offends nobody forced you to read it to begin with.
Drinks on me cheers.
Christmas was the one day when the guns died away...
There were soldiers from both sides,
But we all spoke the same language on Christmas.
December 24th, 11:50 pm
10 precious minutes until Christmas.
I can hear gunshots BOOMING and BANGING on all sides around me...
The sky, even though it is supposed to be dark, is red with bloody gunsmoke.
Men from both sides are on the ground,
Merely bleeding to death.
I have been instructed to not help them.
They're just gooks after all...
They don't live, breathe, and bleed just like you and me.
December 24th, 11:59 pm
The guns are more heated than ever.
My adrenaline is racing.
The crisp, frigid air is kicking my ass right now.
The tears that I have shed are now frozen to my face.
My legs are burning,
But I cannot stop running.
December 25th, 12:00 am
Guns cease to fire...?
"Why have they stopped firing?"
I shout to my neighbor.
He just grins, like the little boy he truly is, and simply responds,
I cannot contain my joy.
All over the battlefield,
Men hoot and holler with joy and glee.
The guns and insults stop.
In their place,
Men sing praise to the God they often curse,
And remember Rudolph, Frosty, and the other childish characters who used to make them innocently smile.
December 25th, 12:10 am
Every man who hasn't fallen yet has found a place to rest their head for the night.
We temporarily become friends with our enemies.
My buddy pulls out a flask from his sack,
And he spreads a little "Christmas Cheer" around the trench.
December 25th, 12:00 pm
We take the time to sleep...
We take the time to quietly talk about our girls back home...
About the families that we've left behind...
About the food, activities, and places we miss most...
We make the most of every small, yet precious, moment that goes without a shot or kill.
December 26th, 12:01 am
We remember that we're supposed to kill each other,
So that's exactly what we do.
Christmas is the only time to be friends...
Any other day is a day to kill.
Christmas is a universal language.
Evidently everyone can understand it...
I guess it's just mutual that we take the time to NOT kill each other.
Oh, why can't everyday be like Christmas?
Through the midnight branches he stares with golden eyes, watching, waiting, hoping. Fingers and lips curl in anticipation; the running game. "You flee, I'll hide. You wait, and I'll catch you." A ruby cloaked girl awakes from the trauma of her past with heavy breath and even heavier heart. A yellow gaze haunts her every night and in the moonlit corners of the room come sinister whispers, "All the better to see you with, my dear." Complex thoughts intrude on sleep, marring any thoughts of quiet rest and ghostless dreams. She searches the lines in her palms for answers, but all she can remember are the cries of her ancestors, a knife, and his gilded, silver smile.
Sometimes while I'm driving and I see that one light, in that one room, in that one house, I scream. I'm in the car and I just scream. At the top of my lungs. And then I cry. Not for what's there, but for what was once there. Or at least what I thought was once there.
But after I'm done, and I'm finally home, I know that it won't make a difference to anyone else in the world because sometimes no one cares, and that's alright.
And too many times I have been looking for that one rough hand to hold mine back.
A hand similar to my own, but decided a long time ago to keep his fingers tightly wound into a fist.
I think he's scared to look at it himself.
You can read too many things in a person's hand, he thinks.
He's touched too many people, he doesn't want to see them all over this fingers.
He can't even remember most of their names.
All he knows is that when he does find them traced into the lines of his palm,
he will be able to smell each of them individually, and then, all at once.
"Let me help you. Open your hands to me, let me feel you feeling me."
But whenever he did let me take a hold of his hand, I only ever felt the strangeness you feel when you're in a room where you know everyone's name and where they were born, but not the way they smell or if they feel lonely the morning after.
You can only grasp at someone for so long before the neglect draws itself into your palms
And it's only then that you realize they don't care all that much, and it's not alright.
Your hand is much warmer than mine. Your fingers are not hesitant.
You speak, and sometimes I don't pay mind to your words, but just the way your tongue wraps itself around the sounds that come out of your mouth, and nothing has ever sounded so tender.
I like that when I look at you, you are always there.
People who are vacant scare the shit out of me.
And when you asked me how I took my coffee, I wanted to drink every single cup of coffee from then one with you.
Your hair grows more and more every time I see you. I measure our time apart from the hair on your face. And every time I see you, there is more and more to like. It is all so new and lovely. I reach out and you reach back. I reach out and rub myself on all the parts of you that have changed since I've seen you last. I rub myself on all the parts of you that I have grown accustomed to. And I rub myself on all the parts that I have only ever experienced with you.
You have begun to write things on my hands.
They are soft and safe.
They smell like you, and I want them to.
And the morning after, there is no loneliness.
Her vision haunts me.
I think about her incessantly,
remember the tender-moments
quite distinctly, when
innocence lied beneath me.
Our odors permeated the room,
everything spun in a magical mystery,
sweet sweaty lovers intertwined in climax,
we just never could get enough of each other.
Her vision still haunts me.
My sisters are an hour fifteen late
And I've been shopping for coats so long
That I'm starting to measure the worth of my weight in their wool
I feel your rejection surround me when the XL doesn't fit just right
So I throw it back on the hanger and try not to look at myself in the dressing room light
I sit down on the bench half defeated
I found a grey one I like
Fits me perfect and I look good
Until I turn to the side
But I'll take it cause its classy and nice
I can feel their stares on me as they walk by
So I stop looking at my phone long enough to catch their eye
Let them know their judgement hasn't gone unseen
Cause I can sense what they're thinking
Or maybe call it paranoia
But when your co worker calls you beautiful
And the lady waiting on her paint
Pulls a card out her purse and says, "Beautiful but not healthy. I can help you lose weight"
And you stand there with your mouth gaped
Because this was the icing on top of your shit cake
Cause this week your man cheated on you
But showed no remorse
And a stranger woman saw you
As a product to endorse
And it took fifteen coats
Just to feel alright
After pulling at your fat in the fluorescent light
And the woman picking out the flannel pants
Made you think of last Christmas, placing them in his hands
And the music above your head
Held no holiday cheer
Just another reminder that you're ending this year... alone
And you forget to remember he has a new home
And you spent a split second wondering if he wished he were here
And you know why he doesn't when you look in the mirror
So I pick myself up
With my coat in my arms
Walk behind my sisters having a conversation of their own
I'm mostly invisible but that's the way we've grown
Laugh a few times, lay thick on the charm
Because they don't have time for shit weeks or broken hearts
When somehow holding it together feels a lot like falling apart.
Remember your neighbourhood in the late afternoon sun
Your body small, mind innocent
Every image a wonder, visages of beautiful naivety
The earth was a different place
All you owned were a box full of toys and a smile on your face
Love wasn't your hunt and conquest
Adventure could only quench that thirst
Wonderful, everything was
Freedom in childhood
its been two long years since you were released
but know in my heart i could never blaime you in the least
we were a tourchured family to never find love
but this is what either dreams or hate can be made of
even when i saw your eyes roll back and the blood on the knife with your marijuana pipe so black from the residue packed
you cut till your arms were just red
then smoked enough to leave a teenage stoner in bed
i dont blaime you for either, you were hurt and you needa cope
but was tradeing the love of your fucking son worth that toke
you were my mother, supposed to hold and love me
but i found myself being yelled at thinking im just unlucky
still i guess i could of looked for love from my father
but he was to busy showing love to his two daughters
i was to dumb, couldnt sing a song, to him i ddnt belong
so you ignored my exsistance for many long years till it braught me to tears
but where are we now after i lived a long 18 years
dad look your oldest daughter left and your youngest you only hear hate underneath the tone of her breath
so i guess im all you have left to bail you out this mess you left
so now to watch over these two as if they were as delicate as children, they have only me to watch over them as my mom bleeds and my dad cant breath the weight of debt needs to be repaid i dont know what else but you will regret how you treated me when im gone one day
momma maybye i just want you to stop with the drugs
looking everywhere just trying to find a buzz
till you look at your son amd forgot who he was
tired of goin to bed everynight to never sleep
keeping one eye open in case i have to call n emt
nearly watched you die remember that moment and i still fuckin cry
so i lay with a knife to my throat livin a lie knowing i jus wanna die
so this is my last birthday song remember when i saw love in your eyes now im jus tryin to get by