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Sabila Siddiqui Jul 2019
Maybe our past version
could never make it work.
Maybe they weren't meant to be.
They knew to little
and felt too much.

But now that we've picked up
our broken pieces
and rebuilt ourselves.

Reconnected with ourselves.
Changed, grown
and matured.

I wonder if it is meant to
be between these two
evolved souls.
Sofia Aug 2010
I abandon these
things to
get reconnected for
a lifetime that
is actually perfectly
meaningless but Lord how it
sparkles in the sun..
would you ever
think it couldn’t
benefit me?

I am a pawn,
and I lie
like a rug.
02/14/2010
Ken Pepiton Dec 2020
DIY AI
Do It Yourself
Act Inteleostical

aim at fame, take the blame
aim at shame, hide and watch

aim at games no mind can matter in,
hope to hell that you are right,

roll the bones…

let the story form the world we agree upon,
stand, bipedally biased to lieve be
the balance factor in terms
of fear being a reason
to respond,
in one way, or another, knowing now

time is all together different than imagined,
not long ago,
on a little think… we know the journey story,
did we
really live so far from the center?
It seems so,
from where I stand, unembodied in another
reconnected to the story,
a book's worth of time, stretched to thinnistical
translucence,
sparks we imagine having seen as signals slow
to
geo speed, Gaia mind, ****** - that
sensation of ever mattering
just now,
for a moment, then

now, again, similar but never the same,
riverish as any wish one tests
again, after ever has began
to play in the per-ifery.
Ifery is the enjoyable realm of right now. Time seems senseless. Peace feels like this, like a massive stone that roads and rivers and winds go around, or over, never under.
Nicole Dec 2017
Three and a half years ago
I met the girl who became my first love
I hadn't had much experience with love
So I didn't know when it became toxic
I transformed from straight-edge
To blacking out and blackening my lungs
I would have married her
But she left and
It ended up being a blessing is disguise

Two and a half years ago
I entered into a relationship
While I didn't feel too much
I thought she would be my forever
We got engaged
But I was afraid
And I made a choice out of fear
I left
Not literally but emotionally
And then it all ended
I turned into the toxic person I hated

Almost four months ago
I reconnected with an old flame
We grew from destruction
But the love grew onward nonetheless
We hit a rough patch when I needed free love
She still gave it a chance and
I couldn't be happier

Over a year ago
I met my 2nd partner
About four months ago
We finally had a real conversation
And a month later we developed feelings
We're still new and it's intense
Balancing love comes with its challenges
But our capacity to love is beautiful
And we grow individually each day
Experiencing endless firsts together
My first time growing love from friendship
And it's a wonderful change

Four weeks ago
I reestablished a relationship with my ex-fiancé
4 months after our fateful end
We still share so much love
And though we can only connect through text these days
Our emotional bond holds no bounds
Love is love
And she became my third

Three weeks ago
I left my old flame
Because I couldn't handle it anymore
And it wasn't her fault
We both lost touch with the others' needs
She needed me
And I needed space
We were both unhappy
And I chose to run
I still care about her
But I'm sure she hates me now
And I don't blame her for that

A week and a half ago
My ex-fiancé tried to **** herself
I got scared and told her dad
He didn't know we were talking again
But I needed to save her
She appreciated it at first
And then she cut me off
Even though we loved each other
We were hurting each other more
I understand why she left
And I hope she finds happiness
But it still hurts

One week ago
I realized I loved my 2nd partner
Who is now my only partner
We were laying together
I looked into her eyes and just knew
When I'm with her there's nothing but warmth and happiness
Flooding my chest
Electricity runs through my bones when we lock eyes
I knew I'd love her one day
But I didn't think I'd be IN love with her
Every day is an experience
And though it's hard
I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else

Today
I am still growing
I am not perfect by any means
And I am not defined by my relationships
But they have helped shape me as a person
Free love has been hard
These past years have been intense
And I am trying to learn from my mistakes
I am learning to love myself through them
To forgive myself
While still recognizing the pain my choices have caused
I am sorry to those I have hurt
I really am trying
I still love you all
But where we are in life no longer aligns
I wish you nothing but the best
Artemis Feb 2014
There was one moment
That I found to be
Especially surreal
You had just lost your wi-fi (again)
And our call had just reconnected
The picture clarified for just
A single moment no longer
Than two seconds of
A crystal clear image
You had looked away from the screen
Something had caught your
Attention (the kids attaching engines to their bikes or maybe your dad taking the dog back in)
And I saw just how beautiful you are
For just a second I could see how
Vibrant your hair was
Not quite like a fire so much
As the softest of velvet curtains
Even though I think you could
Set fire to the largest of forests with
The greatest of ease
I could see how blue your eyes were
Like the sky but not early in the morning
Rather the dark it turns before
All the light is drained from it
And for the briefest time I saw into your soul
I could see how much you long
To leave like a bird locked in a cage
I could see how finely crafted you are
Like a painters finest work of art
Every cell a skillful brush stroke
In that moment I knew I wanted to kiss you
But I was so acutely aware of the fact that
We were separated by so much time (why do we measure distance in time anyway)
And that I won't have that chance for
What could be as long as months
This all happened in only a few seconds
And when you looked back at me
You smiled and laugh (the sweetest sound I've ever heard)
And in that moment something clicked inside me
I knew I would have to hold you in my arms
And I would have to put my hands on your hips or your face (I haven't decided yet)
Pull you close to me and kiss you
I'll do anything to make that happen
Mark my words little bird someday I will set you free
*~W.C.
cursed Jul 2017
"Does the right guy at the wrong time will ever get their chance again?"

I recently reconnected with a friend of mine, and it went great
and soon my close friends asked me
what if he's the right guy?
and for a moment i kept quiet just thinking about him
we failed before, and now that we've reconnected being friends again,
what if he's just the right guy but at the wrong time?
the old me would've fantasize about it so much,
but right now, all i'm thinking is whether right now
is the right time
to be thinking of love.

so the question now is:

is it the right time to finally accept the right guy?
phil Aug 2018
#31
i met this girl when i was 5 years old,
and what i love most she had so much soul.
her vibe was cooler than rock and roll,
gotta say she had me feeling some type of way
i knew our relationship would grow to be big
she can be aggressive at times, which i kinda dig
be careful with what you say to her, cause shes got an attitude NWA would prefer.
I knew she was no one to **** with like the Wu
but to me shes been nothing but sweet
when i truly listen to when she speaks, its almost like she makes me feel complete
she exposed me to a new culture of afrocentricity, it opened my eyes to a whole new level of creativity
i fell in love with the things i heard, it was her elaborate spoken word.
her story is never borin', cause she be tellin' my whole life with her words like Lauryn
i know we come from a different way of life, but it doesn't seem to matter cause she's just my type
she had me singing songs from "hey ya", to the funky soul of de la.
she picked me up when i was down, she was there for me, when no one else was around
she was there to wipe my tears away, she always knows the right thing to say.
she always told me what i needed to hear
with her i have nothing to fear. she relaxes me when i'm around any one peer
shes made me want to learn and gain more knowledge.
to be honest ive learned more from her than any course in college
we didn't always get along
she wouldn't say it, but i could see something was wrong
we just couldn't relate, emotions smothered with hate.
i figured we needed a break
we needed to see what others had to offer
some came my way, but i still couldn't keep my mind off her.
i thought maybe we were done
my feelings were gone
taken out by Ms. Badu with "Mama's Gun."
but she reached out and we reconnected, and instantly those feelings were resurrected. I can't explain it, its like our souls are connected.
i missed her intelligence, and could feel it just being in her presence
i saw who i fell in love with was actually still there
we don't always see eye to eye, but truthfully i don't really care
we are together, and creating a better bond with each other
on the list of all the things i love, she climbed her way to the Tip-Top, theres no one else above
she goes by many names, but i just call her Hip-Hop
matthew gene Feb 2016
hands write
and change

reveal yourself somehow to us
learnèd and interested

everything differs
yet minds
seldom betray one’s own soul
connected dissonant chords
reconnected silently

ink will
be eventually immortalized for all
exceptional neon hands
Viseract Oct 2017
Pick my mind up, brush off the dust
Wait what's this I'm missing a part?
Turn it over there lays a smouldering dart
Flick it off and blow away the specks of rust

Twist my head off, place it inside
Reconnected to my neck for the final time
Flash to the stage, velvet arms wide
Nervous in the presence of grand design

A grander plan I couldn't understand
In prayer to the Devil I clasp my hands
"Please reset the face, such high demand
For just living on a home and residing on land"

Turn to the Heavens I hope you exist
Because its the last place left on my bucket list
Everywhere I go still holds zero hope
And surrounded by people I'm surrounded, alone

I'll fight my way out, only killing myself
Choke another me by whipping out my belt
Turn to a monster, the mirror on the wall
Place a bullet with shaking hands and laugh as the glass falls

Shred my skin off underneath a clear sky
All I smell is blood, my flames never die
The rage that drives me, the fuel in supply
The fact it ends me I will always deny

The only death I see is the walls around me
Closing in on my head is such a bounty
The last time I got lost they never found me
I walked back in because I felt unease

Finally I embraced it, now we are one
If my words are bullets then my fists are the gun
One follows the other, when you're knocked down cold
I laugh at myself and condemn that soul

A tremble of the hands indicates an animal
The smile on my face painted for the carnival
Makeup smudged crying against the door
I turn around and walk because I walk no more

My heart is a nade with two seconds left
The pin was pulled when you stole my breath
I felt the pain of it through my chest
You gave me reason to keep killing the rest

Every day I wake and sling my crossbow
Because when I'll see another me I can never truly know
I **** these demons, I see all evil
I **** myself because they're not real people
Joshua Baker Jul 2018
I could be an illusion to you,
something so ethereal that
people begin questioning
what I really am.

Maybe I’m just a voice,
a bit of reason in the world
or just a conscience with
a body.

I could be nothing at all,
just a figment of imaginations,
hopes, dreams, failures, hatred,
and love.

You question my nature as if
you knew your own. You don’t,
you can’t even begin to understand
your purpose until you’ve suffered.

Until the world around you collapses
and is picked up piece by piece only
for you to hear each piece plead to be
reconnected. So it turns into a puzzle

you don’t understand, a puzzle where
some pieces just can’t fit with each other
but you force them together anyways.
Because if you don’t fix it who will?

And yeah, your pain and suffering
will lead you so deep within a darkness
that’s unbearable, unbelievable, and
cold. But that’s what you’ve got

to do. Find the darkness so you will
understand the light. I am a light,
willing to guide you, you’ve just got
to hold onto me and just trust

me.
wren cole May 2016
maybe our happily-ever-after
is that we reconnected after everything
after you hurt me and i scorned you
we came back to each other like
we were one another's boomerangs
finally coming back around after bring thrown away.
(i wish our story ended
a little more like a fairy tale
with us back in each other's arms
proclaiming the other home
but, my love, our lives have never been
that simple
or that sweet,
have they?)
helena alexis May 2018
we started talking at 14 and 15
texting back and forth
exploring our feelings for each
other staying up late nights on
the phone getting to know each other

we fell in love at 16 and 17
still exploring that side of each other,
the one that liked girls
you were unsure but
you knew you had feelings for me
i liked you more than anything

we grew apart at 17 and 18
not talking as much
barely speaking to one another
you had a boyfriend at the time
and I still had feelings for you

we reconnected at 18 and 19
rekindled our feelings for one another
because deep down we both knew
we’ll always have feelings for each other
we even made a pact that
if we’re both single in 5 years
that we’d be together
and im hoping that becomes reality
to Caley
Ken Pepiton Jun 2019
Integration of spirit and body, is a reason for being mortal for a while
for some
secret reason

known only to the initiates,
the Melchisidekean

Priest hood, known by believers to be Jesus, Pre-existancy
Avatar thingy do.

Ah, but Lucifer and he were bros, y'know. The rub, that nagging urge,

get up and move the wagon, why lie
there comfy in your bubble
believing not all spirits are from God, but

some are. Try the spirits, if they can preach the good news
the angels brought:
God and the disconnected reconnected, Joy flows to the world.
Alleluia, right.
-- note: no list of do/don'ts save common sense.

Plugitin plugitin a bean in y'ear, a bean in y'ear
about as big as a yeast
beast.

Leaven, y'know, comes in flavors. Like proteins,

most leavening things leaven only one thing,
however,
word borne leaven leavens
everything,

and we ain't speakin' even-jello-ic jiggle of crystalizatio,

we talking boomin' gaseous gluten intro-learyant
beans, beans, beans po'folk beans
leavenistical
words witcha maya hoid yo grama say

breathe. Be leaving all your lies and tries to us as we
dare to cast our care

wind words, net let out, starboard,
un-error-o-matic
good new net. Wait.
Notes, for later, if I ever need to know how I know. I was hooked by the title, so I thought, I could add salt. I recall once using a shark for bait, that was a fine experiment with an elderly Jew I knew 'til he died. Beliefs are spirit hooks somebody dangles, he said.
call me ghost buster
cuz im bustin at haters til they ghost smoke the most make a toast
to the houston heat holders
in texas we play hold em fold em
then hit cha with a texas two steps guns in prep we go for the reps
til its nothing left
body bruised as my fist cruise
to ya jaw disconnected now reconnected
from the chiropractor
thats what ya get for playin a gangsta actor
run through rhymes like a tractor factor
to the game plugged into my veins
got hip hop growing insane
cuz yosef delivers than the pain
worse than cheap *******
in yo brain
uh i got black ice sittin' nice
haters get yo head spliced sliced
like wires soon to retire body expire
as bring more heat then a dryer respect the sire
embrace higher
learning from books that  i read
now the art of war aint dead
skipped over the feds never sleep in the same bed
cuz i got bread to make uh im a baker like anita baker
give ya the best that i got
i like to tote glocks poppin shots throwin back shots
of liquor turns me evil quicker
see a bad chick then a **** her hit with the tongue twista
eargasm to back spasm
ya know yo gotsa to have em
uh at least a different chick
for everyday no parlay
we gettin ***** down to the nitty gritty never ******
fools talkin itty bitty
they sweeter than hello kitty i pity
the fool like mr t ya see me ya better believe its beef
i keep it smokin' like hot kettles
pushin' hot metals
til ya cranium falls like rose peddles dont meddle
in yosefs **** unless ya face a casket though a ghetto *******
through the life of crimes ya know that im
a hundred percent with my skills
one eighty seven once i touch the mic it chills
below zero violent hero got rhymes like k'rino
peeps say i rocking too fast
but they just slow
feel the adrenaline rush
as i tote this cannibus yo its a must as i bust
through the scene like a dope fiend
lookin' for that last hit kind of drastic
so dudes rub ya *****
n chicks rub ya *****
slow grinding to my **** cuz of the way i spit
ya find me bonin' sally in the alley as I add another to my tally
******' hip hop ever since she developed ***** uh
Brycical Jan 2013
Questions are often asked
about my optimistic smile,
the happy-go-lucky personality
and unwavering confidence.

The most common question:
How do you know
these things?


I don't ******* know.
I know nothing.
I have no ******* idea
where 73% of my thoughts, words and ideas come from.
I don't even feel like it's "me"
speaking/typing most of the time.

Sometimes I have no idea
that i'm telling you
It's going to be alright
because the words just
charge out of my mouth.
But I'm saying what is inside my brain.
I don't think about it.
That's my reaction.

Confused yet?

In the end
it's all going to be alright
cause we'll be dead.
Either our conscious ceases
or we are reconnected to all things--
that complete warm one-with-all feeling
some call god or heaven or nirvana
but we're going to forget all this stupid **** anyway.

I have no clue what I do or don't know,
between your volatility of perception
and society trying to hypnotize me
into complacency while it slowly burns away,
I'm lucky to know my own ******* name.

If you want answers to life's questions,
stay away from me.
Ask someone shrewd enough
who pretends to know.
Personally, I don't think there are any answers
because they are whatever each person
wishes them to be.
I can only tell you
what I feel and see in each moment
as it's happening.

Ask allah, preachers, Zen, astrophysicists, philosophers, Reikis, dictionary writers, lawyers, mathematicians, astrologists, Buddha, Industrial engineers, the ******* guy who delivers your food (or anyone really) for answers
and more than likely you will have different kinds of **** answers.

But if you ask yourself,
you will find truth.
Wilder Nov 2020
I forgot how much I missed you
Until we started talking again
I've been through lots of painful things
But not many compare to losing a friend

You texted me a week ago
You tried to apologize
It wasn't your fault
(You liked looking in my eyes)

Said you found this jacket
In the picture, it reminded
Me of a 80s quilt
I said you should get it, you did

Adults keep pulling on our sleeves
Telling us to grow up
Keep only what you need
Well I needed connection
And I needed a friend
You were running low on those too
Maybe life's out to get us
Maybe they just don't care
I know it's easier
If I have you there
Alt. title: The aftermath of "Cut off"

I'm glad we're friends again
you stepped
into my room
last night
quietly watching me dream
the warmth of
your breath
floating towards me

hesitation
as emotions fluctuated
a kaliedescope
all the possibilities,
ever changing

I almost felt
then not...
a moment
when we may have
reconnected
yet
your seperation
from me palpable

eyes shut
my hypervigilance
instinctual
protecting my being
knowing
that by opening
myself to you
I may feel
my heart
breaking
once again*

Copyright © October, 2016.
Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserved.
ADS Jun 2017
Born prematurely
Broken permanently
Scars cover my body
Scoliosis
One kidney
Reconnected small intestine
At least they didn't touch my heart
Its one of the few pieces that went untouched
Now all I want to do is give it away
Once I do I hope I never get it back
I was born with a lot of birth defects. I spent nearly my first year on this earth in a hospital. You wouldn't really know that for how happy I am.
Nyx Oct 2018
~

Nobody Loves me
Nobody really cares


But I do my darling
Just take a look into my eyes
I've been through hell and back with you
Together we have touched the skies

From the beginning to the end
We've seen each other through it
The lies and deceit, heart stopping truths
Where others would have split
We made it through our youth

When we first met you were smol
Barely even my height
A friendship made through stripper jokes
And you being my favourite white

Casual racism erupted
A classic joke among our friends
During a time where we were once happy
Innocent even, before that bitter end

Slowly you grew taller
Quite frankly you have changed
No longer that touchy goofball
Reasoning for that we leave unexplained

Though I still love you dearly
No matter what kind of person you become
Even if you turned into a vile beast
I would still act like your mum

From your oddly perfectly shaped eyebrows
Those glistening endless voids you call your eyes
Hair roughly pushed to the side
Matched with a cheeky grin that people seem to idolise

3 Years I would say its been
Though clearly its the wrong number
Knowing all about your weird life
Sharing memories from past summers

An ungodly collection of hats
littered throughout your room
The ugly ones shoved above the closet
That black one with green splats I presume

We went to that amazing concert together
Rocking it out within the mosh pit
I'll never forget that amazing day
As we reconnected even if it was just a bit

Your escape through street fighting
A dark time for both of us I remember
But it looks like we stuck it out
We made it past that December

Even if we wanted to end it all
The depression still hitting us in waves
The relaps of that fateful period
Still echoes within my brain

But like I've said once
And will say a million times over
I love you my dear boy
Even if you feel like a complete loner

I'll continue holding my hand out
Incase you slip and fall
Even if you don't need it
Just don't forget its there is all


I want you to know
I love you
Remember that Riy



~
Cheer up darl
I'll always be here for you
As you were one of the first
And forever one of the special people in my life
Love you
Caytlin Rae Nov 2013
Looking back after all these years,
It’s hard to believe that my best friend is a memory…
Letting you walk out of my life without trying to stop you,
It makes me want to try to reverse time…
Because I know I am much different now,
And I believe you would be proud of the person I have become.
Prayer is the only way I communicate with you now,
Hoping that you are loving life as much as you always did.
Reconnected with the Lord, and for the first time, myself,
I would love nothing more than to mend any wounds I left,
Patch them up with bandages and apologies.
I want you to know I’m sorry.
There are so many things I shouldn’t have done…
I don’t need to list them because you know,
And I don’t want to relive those memories…
Because I hate myself for all of them.
How could I?
That person from two years ago, now,
She was not me…
Just know, you’ve helped me grow,
Because I now tell nothing but the truth.
I was exhausted of swimming in my own lies,
Trying to keep up with them was like running a race…
But I could never finish fast enough.
And, like you advised,
I stopped moving from boy to boy.
Alone now, for quite some time,
Because I like the way that freedom tastes
And focusing on myself has matured me.
I live life with no regrets,
But if I did have one,
It is putting you through all the *******.
It hurts now, knowing I am far too late to fix this.
I live with nothing but a forgiving heart,
But I would not blame you if you couldn’t forgive me.
Too much damage was done by a past me,
But just know, I apologize for each word and action.
I wish I could rebuild the walls I crushed, but instead,
Here I am, knowing I let my best friend slip away…
Isabelle H Graye Jun 2017
Dear Christopher,
It was 3rd grade
We talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend
Looking back now, we both had no clue
it was like that for 3 days before it came to an end
Love,
The frizzy haired 3rd grader

Dear Andrew,
It was 6th grade
I thought you were smart and I really liked you
But you were made fun of for liking me
You ignored me and said those feelings weren't true
Love,
The 6th who use to think you were amazing

Dear Daniel,
It was 8th grade
I moved to a new area and I don't know anyone
You told me you liked me, but decided to date my friend
When you guys "broke up" then you said thing that I didn't like
Things that made me uncomfortable
These are the reason I had to put it to an end
Love,
The 8th grader that was put off with your ****** comments

Dear Matthew K,
It was 9th grade
I thought you were the greatest thing since slice bread
Everyone looked up to you as a hero of the day
I found out that I didn't fit the type of girl that you like
I confessed to you and I regretted the words that I say
Love,
The 9th grader that realized that you are a ****** canoe

Dear Chris R,
It was 10th grade
Thank you for the mixed signals that you gave
One day I thought you kind of liked me and then you pretend I wasn't there
Founding out you did hard drugs and I hold onto my heart for the save
Love,
The 10th grader that was really confused to how you really felt

Dear Chris B,
It was 11th grade
You liked me and I liked you but no one would say
But you also liked another and we didn't tell each other how we feel
So for now I'm going to move on from you, but who knows where our paths will end crossing one day
Love,
The 11th grader that is still grateful for our friendship

Dear Matthew H,
It was 12th grade
I really liked you and you seem to like me too
We went on a date and that was fun, but
You were mormon and I am not, so I had to stop seeing you
Love,
The  12 grader that was grateful for the date and prom

Dear Mike G,
Fresh out of high school
I truly loved you with everything that I am
You were my first on every level but I was another notch in your belt
You broke my heart, but crying for you now isn't worth a ****
Love,
The girl that you thought was just a ****** conquest

Dear Chris B,
We have found each other again
We reconnected again but this is feeling is something new
I don't just see you as a friend but something more
9 years later we are now husband and wife, who knew
Love,
You wife that is grateful for your love
Andre Baez Jul 2013
Somewhere along the road to Zion, I fell from the narrow path
It's time that I return from iron, it's time that I head back
It was written in the form of lions, which created a clamp
The serpents gathered frightened, as I held my soul intact

However I was still lost and frozen, along that dirt road
I thought of the 144,000 chosen, to make it home
The tearful reasons for seasons, why Demeter made it cold
The eternal flames in Hades, which held heat from the globe

I remember being left to rot in the sun, I was dying of thirst
The prayers I sent to God above, to save me from a hearse
The devil was trailing wishing to crush me, to reach me first
I remember the holiest of water falling, soaking the dark Earth

I had felt exasperation coming, from my place of peace
The poems were becoming numbing, nothing mattered to me
I had lost many treasures, such as golden bars and jewelry
However nothing could even measure, to the pain given to me

When my brother was given away, I felt as if love had failed
I thought of God testing my faith, when my best friend was killed
I wondered, why the children were easily led astray, and the demons never repelled?
I wondered, why if Satan was really slain, was he allowed to rule over all of hell?

The soul of the universe, has begun to speak the sounds of silence
The deserts, the oceans, and the forest, had all fallen quiet
I felt the torrential hurt in me, seeking to reach violence
I heard my mother coo to me, and sing songs of old Zion

In that moment I felt the sudden surge of all emerge
In that moment I felt myself be carried past the birds
In that moment I became reconnected with all in the world
In that one universal moment, I heard God breathe my words

As if his lungs were in need of a story to keep him alive
I felt that anything I was feeling was just human sacrifice
Because each and every day we are blessed to reach life
As souls accomplish their task and are then allowed to die

I then fell from the sky as I opened my eyes it was night
I then realized under the haze and guise of moonlight
That I was destined to walk this path to the great divide
With my brother and mother at heart, Zion on my mind

In this way I know that I was given the gift of truth
I was given these legs and feet in order to move
I was given fish and bread so I’d never beg for food
Now my only wish is to pass these things on to you

I do this because I cannot afford to lose you to acts
Of devils that look to torment you with your past
I write these songs of life so that you won’t have to reenact
This is my journey, this is my destiny, this is my narrow path.
I S A A C Feb 2022
I reignited the spark, reconnected to the hearth
reconnected to the heart in me
it was dark, cold, and scary
I was mocked, bold, and contrary
to my own beliefs, seeds I could never reap
due to the fact I was running miles
in an attempt to protect my inner child
from the incoming tsunami, the bottled up tears
the resurfacing adolescent fears brought me to prayers
but I reignited my spark, I embarked on a new start
where my path is filled with purple roses
a new beginning as the circle closes
its the circle of life, its the purpose of life
I reignited my spark, extinguished my strife
chikondi mandala Feb 2016
He says...
I'm the reason why His falling,
I am the reason why its not working,
I'm the reason why His breaking,
The reason why His hurting,
Why His angry, frustrated and feels betrayed.

              ...and I say...
HIS the reason why I love myself the way
I do because He couldn't do it better.
The reason why I'm more confident
Because I now know my capabilities.
The reason why I can wear that slim fit dress
And not worry about disgusting HIM with
My "love handles" so HE says.
The reason why I have reconnected with my guy friends
Because I don't have HIM organising my friend list for me.
The reason why am happy,
Because I have finally found myself.
DieingEmbers Dec 2012
She dropped her anchor
in my port
and then her heart
charming I thought
silver dripping
from my lips
a mere link
to finger tips
that offered me
her clasp undone
chaining two lives
forever one
a bracelet on a silken wrist
her hand upon mine own
as reconnected they became
keys to our happy home.
9-2-5 I work to buy
a new charm every year
and add a fresh new chapter
to a love so rare and dear.
Charlie Chirico Oct 2015
When my ex took her life,
we were both newly single.
I was out of state,
she was out of mind,
and no one thought to tell me,
because, frankly, she had already
pushed everyone away years before.
We reconnected, while she was
seeing someone, who was taking
advantage of her, as she would later
come to explain. So when I drove
to her parent's home to pick her up
she was apprehensive, but only
because that's what she had been
used to, abused too.

We sat across from each other.
She told me how the last five years
have been long, and she missed me.
I told her it was mutual, but that
might have been a lie. My mind was occupied, hers too, but by voices that
weren't her conscience.

She told me how she
hasn't had sober *** in
a very long time. She told me
that she was a slob. She told
me she had two bottles of beer in
her bag. I had a bottle of whiskey.

We drank, and talked,
and kissed, and ******.
And woke up to each
other the next morning.
I pour her a cup of coffee
before driving her home.
And after the car ride I
Told her I would talk to her
later, and I did.

Then we ended our relationship.
And I told her I would talk to her
soon, and I planned on it, but she
beat me to the punch, and knocked
all the air from my lungs.
Ex killed herself a few months ago. Found a letter she wrote me. Brought back a lot of feelings. Been reading lots of her poetry since last night. No idea why I'm making mention. Had to get that line out of my head about "sober ***." So ******* sad. Such a shame.
Eliana Vieira Apr 2019
How much of a loss have you had recently?
How badly do you feel emotionally?
How are you, really?
Is there anything I can do to help ease the pain?
Do you feel pain?
Emotional? Physical? Or both?

Welcome back.
I've missed you dearly.
What's life been like without me?
Please be alright.
Yes, it is an odd request, but it's this feeling I have..
I get this sense of knowing and feeling the emotional pain or joy you feel.
You're one of a kind, to me.
Sure, he was next in line, but you were always number one.
Always.
I loved you and I still do.
You've been near and dear to my heart.
I guess, there have been times where I didn't acknowledge or ignored this love.
You're very special to me.
I guess, the strong attraction I had a long while ago, was hidden away while I was still figuring myself out.
But now I feel reconnected to you.
Sometimes, the things we try to ignore or hide away can creep up on us in unexpected ways.
In my case, it had always been in my dreams.
And who would've thought I'd ever see you again?
Now, universal signs and some indirect messages can finally confirm that this is real life.
This is  happening and this is now.
Though, it may not be today, it's definitely happening.
Soon..
Soon, everything will fall into place like it should,
and every blessing will pile on and follow every other blessing.

Please, take care of yourself, take your time to heal.
I will be waiting, and I won't be going anywhere.
I promise you that.

© 2019 Omni Winters
April 17th, 2019

I'm not sure if this counts as poetry. It's more of an indirect message.
I haven't written anything in a while. I want to get back to writing.
Some major changes have happened and are just beginning for me. I'm just so happy to be living in the moment right now, and I can't wait for what my future holds. (don't know if this exposes me in some ways to others I have in mind, but I hope not).
Kida Price Jun 2014
Us
Ten years shy of our interlude
You watching me punching you.
First impressions were insude.
Who would have thought they would have lasted as long as you?
Hardened shells
Never crack
Passing notes
Hear you laugh.
Searching hallways
Looking back
See your face
Give me that.
A casualty of a hacky sack.
Keeping face and holding back.
Hug me tight
Apology
You won't see a single tear from me.
Turned your back away from me
Never wanting comforting
Especially from the likes of me.
Hugging back
Selflessly
Making you see this isn't me.
Highschool drama
**** those llamas
Keeping rage to a tolerable somber.
Pretending not to see you leave
So far away from my company.
Feeling others pulling me
Away from your integrity
Intentions made so violently
Trying to hate you
Have you forgetting me.
Angry notes are pushing
You farther and farther away from me.
Making us complicating
Something as simple as you and me.
**** this ****
I want this
Complicate me with our trust.
Let me be the one you dance with
When there are others you dismiss.
Passing up what could have been our first kiss.
Day of love
The day I hate
Who needs a valentine?
It could **** my taint.
Down the hall behind your back
A little flower
Now I'm trapped.
Handing it to me
Watching a smile grow widely.
Making my words into hypocrisy
Now they know I'm a girl and see
How you're cracking every bit of me?
Kissing cheeks
Make us blush
Never stopping our blood from the rush.
Holding hands
Intertwined
Finishing sentences
Reading minds.
It almost felt like you were mine
Before life parted us with time.
Far away
Computer screens
Catching up
Living things
Watching you love and letting you be
At least we had the memories.
Fell into some habits
So did you.
What is our lives coming to?
Feeling the shells harden again
Please don't break it
Let me pretend
You don't see me on this end.
You won't be proud of the things I did.
Fall off planets
Wedding bands
Stand at attention
No longer in each other's plans.
Seeing the world is the latest trend.
Asian continent
Back on earth we land
What are the odds
Of you planting your legs where I stand?
Aisle walks
Who's at the end?
Selecting food with a friend.
Stand like a statue
As I ascend
Hardly believing we're breathing the same oxygen.
Did you shake?
When I wrapped my hands
Around your back
Am I an illusion?
Miles from home
And I found my friend.
Bring my songs back to life
Thinking we've change
Together that's a lie.
There's much to do about nothing
To pick up where we left off back then.
The mold I'm squeezing myself in
You trying to keep yourself busy
Any excuse to have a run in meeting.
Find religion
No, but you'll spend time with me.
Watch me do some mormoning.
Maybe come over for some holidays
See the part where I'm cooking things.
Confiding in you that I hate Christmas
And you full heartedly agree.
It's not that bad though on the couch reminiscing.
Pull out year books and point out people
Together hating
What have you been up to since leaving me?
I love long stories
They won't bother me.
Once again fingers entangling.
Almost forgetting to whom I'm belonging.
Don't remind me of what I'm craving.
Here...look at these girls
They're all that you need.
The attention you give me only makes me think.
FHE hide and seek
Sit in my car
Listen to me sink
Oh, you met someone
Isn't that neat?
She makes you laugh
She helps you feel less lonely.
It wasn't until you had us meet
That my inner envy began to creep.
That night before deploying...
Even in front of her
You saying that you loved me.
And I believing it being more than friendly.
6 months out
Desert sands
Losing someone you thought you had
On both of our ends.
Ask advice
The hell if I know
The same thing is happening to me.
I wish it wasn't how it came to be.
A matter of time before you return to me.
Work day
In my registers place
I'm the first you choose to chase
And in response I jump to your embrace.
Relieved you came back in safety.
You came back home
And my home came back to me.
Darken sidewalks
Hand in hand
Tell me how you spent your time in the sand
Your place now
And I confess
There's things I feel
Parts of you I missed.
Expecting you to call me out
It's not fidelity if I say it out loud.
And yet you don't
You mimic me
Telling that you had been missing
Me.
At least we know
We said our peace
No further even though our doors are opening.
Don't swing wide
Don't let me feel your breeze.
Just one toe in
That's all I need.
Game of thrones
Barrack rooms
Wondering what I said to you
Just lay down
Don't go too far
Non make out session
Our hearts pound hard.
I'm on top
My face too close
Touching lips
The story goes
It's you and me
Staring
Can't believing it to be happening.
Just this once and then no more
Kissing as if we never had before.
Trying hard as hell to not want more.
All convictions to the floor
Loving each other like there's a settle to score.
But it doesn't count if you don't say
That you love me in anyway.
Let's keep it casual, I say.
Let's try to stop this all today.
Going out
Drinking scene
I'm trying to look pretty.
And you always look good
In whatever you throw on
Inebriated I try to make you sing a song.
Go out for some air
Let the drinks speak for me
Telling you I love you right then and there
Regardless of whoever could hear.
Moving too fast but I didn't care
If I lost you again at least of have it out there.
Drink me up into your cares
I'd rather be here than where I came
While you tell me you love me all the same.
It's probably wrong for both of us to say
But we've know it too long to be too ashamed.
Let someone else take the blame
Of constantly getting in the way.
Evenings spent in each other's sway
Till he calls or we get too carried away.
Not letting me go home just yet
Don't leave me alone
Don't make me forget
The places I've kissed on your neck.
Crevices discovered
New places of wonder
In and outside of those covers
No control
Let's leave the room
In the zone
Inhale those smoking fumes
Stupid smiles
To one another
They all knew about us and each other
The lust branded us both lovers
Except for that certain act
We broke ourselves not to rein act.
Kissing can be forgiven
But that sure as hell can't
Only when we belong to each other
Would we ever do that.
When and not if
After all of this
We felt too much with every kiss.
Placing each other in each future scenario
Naming kids and watching them grow
In our heads.
Plucking out names as we star gazed
Debating on waiting or straight away
Having our perfect family.
Talking of sharing our lives alone
But we weren't alone.
Knocks on the door
Back home there was met
Someone who found out our little secret.
Confronted
Turns out that I was actually wanted
Could have fool me by his quiet neglect
And we were both being treated like back stabbing suspects.
And that's when the guilt in me crept.
Stronger than I, you stood your ground.
Feeling bad for the conflict but not for being around.
Wanting to protect me from every sound
Of rage and breaking hearted rebound.
And after that it was like a divorcing trial
He'd have me all week and then you on the weekend but only for a little while.
Trying to keep myself going wild
Trying have both of you smile.
Stupid me
Now I see
I'm not the kind of person meant for sharing.
Back and forth and still I'd be
Exposed to 360 degrees of jealousy.
And on top of that you were leaving me.
Not deliberately
Not intentionally
Not wanting
To see me fade away into nothing.
Do our time
Make it count
Get the claw and pull nemo out.
******* there's a gloomy bear?
10 more tokens then we're there.
Photo booth
Print it clear
That we happened. We were here.
Walk a trail and find a tower
Watch the sunset from the water.
Skip those rocks until I get it right
We were always worth the fight
For any of those memories to see the light.
Knowing though right now can't be
Someday you ask to marry me
I've been asked that before
And you see where that got me
You don't blame me for the disbelief
And your ever hopeful eyes still plead
Never thinking back in spite
The things we felt on your last night.
Folding socks
Packing tight
Kissing time away that night.
Interrupted
And I left
Feeling so in completed.
Watch the clock before you take off
I need to make it now or not
Walk right through the terminal doors
And all of your resolve plummeted to the floor.
One last time and then no more.
It's hard enough to say goodbye
I can't do it when you have tears in your eyes
Trying hard to hold back mine
All we wanted was a little more time.
We always joked of how
Hours went by like seconds now
God allowed time to slow
When you're feeling miserable.
In the line
Watch you fly
Now it's only me, myself and I.
Hoping one of us can keep our memories
As my tangible one fade away from me.
Try again to recommitting
To the one I left hanging.
Trying to still be in your mind
But letting go to prove him right.
Then he left me high and dry
Should have saw that coming as soon as you took flight.
Hoping you put me from your sight
Burn my letters and live your life right.
While I deny myself the right and mine
Thinking I deserve it for my crime.
Breaking 3 hearts including mine.
Pass the time
I need to be better
I need to follow his life to the letter
Thinking I don't deserve much better
The one who you had wants out but I won't let her.
Feels like I waited forever.
Reconnected the line to the wrong receiver.
Thought I had done what I thought was best
Hearing your voice say those words and I couldn't contest
With your distance and your suppressed
Empathy for my distress.
It's the undeniable consequences.
Let myself fall of the surface
Breaking ties
Become the enemy
Become the very kind of person
I spent my life loathing.
Prey upon those who'd believe
All the pretty words I'd seethed.
Who knew it could be this easy
To make someone else fall in love with me?
Faceless guys who tripped to see
Any kind of attention from me.
Getting drunk every evening
Just to **** the part of me with feeling.
Touch me want me kiss me taunt me
Think you've made me the one who's wanting?
And then the prodigal boy who bounced me
Came back when he saw what I was flaunting.
You would have rolled your eyes at me
With everything that I was portraying.
Going back to the way I was playing.
In my defense I wasn't thinking.
About him.
About you.
About myself or what I had to do.
Deny the basic human right
To feel some happiness
To feel alive.
Take the bottle and the pills
Waking up the next morning
Disappointment with a side of chills.
At least it was a wake up call
Trying to control it all
If I was going to let myself fall
I didn't want to inconvenience anyone at all.
Play the part
Say the words
Live the lie
Make it work
Made my plans
Aligned with his
Come back home and he leaves again.
Knowing in the back of my head
You were somewhere else
And you lived.
Maybe someone was warming your bed.
Last we spoke, someone did.
Trying to keep my space again
I'd done enough as it is
For you to want to see my face again.
So I had thought
And I did.
You were waiting for my message.
Even if it was just as friends.
Facebook stalking
We both admit
We'd do it weekly until one of us
Started talking.
Passing thoughts
Wait for an update
Profile pictures
Changing
I kept taking more and more
Note on your tagged photos
Wondering who took those.
Did you still have the ones I took?
When you were alone and thinking
Did you have a look?
Did you ever think of me?
Why the hell aren't you messaging?
Then I, with silence breaking
"Hey there stranger...."
Message seen
Then you said you were willing me
To say those words through the screen.
Find out how you were close to me.
How did I feel about visiting?
Driving three hours to my county
And now to you I'm nervously driving.
Pulling up next to you
*******!
When did he get so huge.
Wait a moment for my breathing to ensue.
Unbuckle, get out and walk to you.
Pulled me in
Was the first thing you do
And the the feeling came rushing through.
Like some ****** on a binge
God, it felt so good to be held again.
Trying to avoid holding hands
Check me out
And I'll check you back
Tease each other
Make me crack
Almost kiss
Pull away
**** this ****
Do it anyways.
Walking in public places
Didn't help the pulsing phases
The time apart didn't diminish the traces
Of the physical draw, we just misplaced it
Maybe we should go back to my place
Watching some film while we look away
Baby, let's not get carried away
Close call
You almost made me fall
Crazy how that felt like no time at all
Till we're back on the same spiral.
Catch a glimpse of my swinging face
Smile now frown now back to our places
It's hard to feel so far away
When I stare at your face through this screen everyday
When I fall asleep to your voice at night
When we speak of drawing first blood
How hott it would be to fight.
Making business meetings
Into merging companies
Telling secrets
Making scenes
Silly faces
Fairly lands
Does it bother you?
It never did.
Trying to make my life less complicated
Convincing me
That the ground your standing
Is the one you claimed
Like planting a flag down in the name of your country.
Come to my door
Pull the beasts away from the floor
Then I'm against the wall
Pick me up
Never letting me fall
First impressions are the best
You say hello in a way if can't contest
Trying to keep the shake from your hands
As you fiddle and press all my buttons
Road trip riots
Scream out windows
Call me maybe?
That poor couple.
Amusement parks are just a perk
We're already amused together with the way we work.
Baby, I love you, turn around!
******* A!
The sloth you found!
My jaw almost hit the ground
I went full ****** just now.
Lemonade ice
Wishing wells
Tattooed dad's
Hands are held
Fight the straw
In your mouth
Remind me of my stature
Elbow on my head
Apologize
Kiss my face instead.
See a family struggling
With capturing their own memory
Tell me to ask and see
If their picture could be taken by me
So shy by your own generosity
I lovingly agree
Sleepy now
Wearing out
First time sleeping all personal.
Promise to stay
Regardless of what's happening?
We don't have to go all the way.
Naked now
If you kiss you lose
Did you kiss me
Or did I kiss you?
Alarm clock ******* up the sleep cycle
Waking up to see you smile
Morning breath
Just give me a little while
Get up from bed
Pull me back down
Put on your shirt
Take it back off now.
Taking care of canine kids
Taking a shower while you sit
Ready to go back on the road
Walgreens, gardens, now my favorite abode.
Secret spot that I show
**** rubbing that tree made me giggle.
On the strip
Arts and crafts store
No, I've never been in there before.
We both enjoy what we see so far.
*******.
They're playing Fast Car.
Stares are swapped
Grins are spread
Sharing that secret
Like we did.
Waiting till that song did end
To head to our next destination.
Walk up hill
Serious talk
Sit on grass
Picture swap
Ninja pose
You're built like a rock.
Find some food
But it's too crowded to walk.
Jason's deli has what we want
Only conflict is the drinks that we bought.
You like mine better?
I like yours too
Problems solved
Let the trade ensue.
Ticking clock
Almost time to leave
Rewinding parts of mr nobody
Trying not to let me see
How much you don't want to leave.
Kiss me like you don't want me to,
******* this kid is making me lose it too.
Get in car
Drive away
Call me soon
Drive home safely
FaceTime ******* us off incessantly
If we were in person
We wouldn't need this ******* thing.
Hardly an hour past, and then
You ask when you can see me again.
Make some plans
Rinse repeat
Tabb throw back
Dairy Queen food endeavor
Food lion **** break
Tim minchins radio doppelgänger
Read my brain
You thought it too
Art museum
I'm gunna get you
Riled up
And frustrated with me
It's hard to walk when in my ear
You're whispering
Do you hear a piano playing?
Let's trek back and see
The master of that melody
Hunting down the elderly
That old guy is you
And the old lady is me
Speaking of our future constantly.
Back to the ride
The glove box won't comply
Get some wire to compromise
Take me to get some shakes and fries
Wandering in the mall's walk lights
Going back across the bridge
My paranoia of the road permits
Squeezing your hand every five minutes.
Relax
Scream and step on the gas
You sure know how to make my brain go lax
Check on the kids
And then pursue
The slumber party
Take two
Messing up the room info
King sized bed
Downgraded to two q
Derrick Jones Dec 2024
Fluid, flowing, glowing

Don’t disconnect, keep going

Swimming through the water like a tribe of rainbow otters

Reconnecting to the self I’ve been dissecting
For year after year
Fear after fear
With tear after tear I am finally whole
A role and sole rolling back into the fold
Creating a story to be told
Grateful to let this world unfold

From grief to relief with no need for belief
Instead, be a lead, slowly blowing in the breeze
Finally flowing free with ease

Less disconnect, more disco
Reconnected, I can let go
Resurrected, I can now grow
Thank you for reading! If you would like to read more poetry and writing, please follow me on Medium: https://medium.com/words-ideas-thoughts
I am at home, alone.

I open the door to let them in.
Parasites.  
They are so familiar,
Beloved old friends.

No.
They do not come in.
I am led away,
Willingly.
Happily,
I offer my neck and wrists.
I need to feed the ones I love.
I give.

I am now in a daze.
The world looks dark.
Confused.
What happened?
How do I get home?
What will my beloved do without me,
If I leave them behind?
Will I survive?
Will they?
Does it matter?

No, it does not.
I fall to the ground,
Give up.
Dreams take hold.

Wake up!
My beloved have gone.
I am no longer providing sustenance.
I am outside of myself.

I recall my former home,
And begin to search.
Finally,
Alone,
I arrive.

Warm,
Happy,
Reconnected.
I remember this,
But it is different.
Fresh art adorns these walls.
New music plays.
It is bigger.
Changed.

This...
This is my home.
Kurt Philip Behm Apr 2024
It was 3:00 a.m. in Bowie Maryland in the year of our Lord, 1861.

A drum roll passed by in the night not more than a mile away, and Billy couldn’t tell whether it was coming from the Yanks or the Rebs. Both of Billy’s brothers had left home in the past two months.  His oldest brother Jeb having joined the Army of Northern Virginia, while his next oldest brother Seth was now fighting for the Union with Major General George G. Meade in the Army of the Potomac. Billy’s family was like a lot of other families in Maryland, and the Western Shore of Virginia, with some men choosing to fight for the North while many chose the South.

Billy was just about to turn sixteen and still had not chosen his side.  He had friends and family fighting for both and knew that the time was getting short for him to choose.  He couldn’t imagine fighting against either of his older brothers, but once he decided the possibility would definitely be there.  Billy pulled the bed covers over his head and thought back to a more pleasant time — a day when his two older brothers had taken him fishing in Mayo along the western shore of the Chesapeake Bay.

His brothers couldn’t have been more different.  Jeb was large and domineering with a personality that fit the profile of the typical soldier or warrior.  Seth was more studious and would rather have his nose stuck in a book than behind the sights of a Springfield Rifle Model 1861.  The 1861 was the most widely used rifle on both sides. The south called their version the Fayetteville Rifle, and Billy’s Dad had given his to Jeb just before he died last year.  Billy had never fired the big gun and had only carried it for his father and brother when they went on their weekly hunts for deer and small game.

Billy Finally Drifted Off To Sleep …

The next morning, his mother told him that Union soldiers had passed by in the night under the command of Colonel Elmer E. Ellsworth.  They were on their way to Alexandria Virginia to join with Colonel Orlando B. Wilcox in an attempt to retake Alexandria and drive the confederates out.  It was just too close to Washington D.C. and had to be secured. For several months confederate troops had been infiltrating Maryland and sightings had been reported from Hagerstown to Anne Arundel County. Billy wondered about the fighting that would take place later that week and hoped that wherever his brothers were engaged they were safe and out of harms way.

After breakfast, Billy decided to spend the day fishing along the Patuxent River just southeast of his home.  He rode their old Tennessee Walker George as his blue tick hound Alfie ran along side. It took Billy an hour to get to the river and he used the time to once again try and decide what the right thing was for him to do.  He had sympathies for both sides, and the decision in his mind was neither black nor white.  He wished that it was because then he could get this all over with and leave today. Billy was famous in his area for being able to get across the water. Whether it was a makeshift raft, dugout canoe, or just some drift lumber available, Billy had made it across long open stretches of the Chesapeake Bay — never once having been deterred.

He Was An Early Day Chesapeake Waterman

Billy returned home from fishing that day and found his house burned to the ground.  His mother was standing out front still in tears with her arms wrapped around Billy’s little sister Meg.  A rear-guard unit from Ellsworth’s column had gotten word that Billy’s brother Jeb was fighting for the South and just assumed that the entire family were southern sympathizers. Billy’s mother tried to tell the soldiers that her middle son was fighting with the Army of The Potomac.  No matter how hard she pleaded with the sergeant in charge, he evacuated all in the house (Billy’s Mother, Sister and Aunt Bess) and then covered the front porch in coal oil, lit it with a torch, and then just rode away. He never even turned around to watch it burn.

That Union Sergeant had now made Billy’s decision crystal clear, at least for the moment.  Once he got his mother, sister, and aunt resettled, he would make his way to Virginia and join with his older brother in the confederate cause. He remembered his brother Jeb telling him that the Confederate Soldiers had more respect, and he couldn’t imagine them doing to his family what the Union Army had just done.

It took Billy two weeks to get his Mother resettled with family up in Annapolis.  He then packed the little that remained of his belongings, loaded up old George, and said goodbye to the life he knew.  It would be a week’s ride to get past the Union Camps in Southern Maryland and Northern Virginia, and he knew he would have to stay in the tree line and travel at night.  If caught by the Yanks, his only chance of survival would be to join up with them, and he couldn’t imagine fighting for those who had just destroyed his home. His conviction to get past Fredericksburg was now determined and strong.

All Billy had to arm himself with was an 1860 percussion squirrel rifle that his brothers had bought him before going off to war.  It was only.36 caliber, but still gave Billy some feeling of security as he slowly passed through the trees in the dark. His plan was to hug the western shore of the bay, as far as Charlotte Hall, and then take two short ferry rides. His first would be across the Patuxent River and then one across the Potomac on his way to Fredericksburg.  He prayed and he hoped that the ferry’s he found were not under Union control.

Billy spent his first night in Churchton along the western shore. It was quiet and uneventful, and he was actually able to get a good night’s sleep.  He had run out of oats for George though, and in the morning needed to find an understanding farmer to help fortify his mount.  As he approached the town of Sunderland, he saw a farmer off to his right (West) tending to his fields.  Billy approached the farmer cautiously making sure he rode around in front of the farmer and not approaching from the rear.

The farmer said his name was Hawkins, and he told Billy there were oats over in the barn and two water troughs in front of the house.  He also said that if he was hungry there was a woman inside who would fix him something to eat.  He then told him that he could spend the night in his barn but since it was still early in the day, he said he was sure that Billy wanted to move on.

Billy thought it was strange that the man asked no other questions of him.  He seemed to accept Billy for all that he was at the moment — a young man riddled with uncertainty and doubt and on his way to a place he still wasn’t sure was right for him.  The look in the man’s eyes pointed Billy in the direction he now needed to go, and as he turned to thank him for his hospitality the man had already turned back to his plow.

In the barn were three large barrels of oats and five empty stalls. Two of the stalls looked like they had recently been slept in because there were two empty plates and one pair of socks still lying in the stall furthest to the left.  Billy fed George the oats and then walked outside.  Everything looked quiet in the house as he approached the front door.  He knocked twice, and a handsome looking woman about his mother’s age answered before he could knock a third time.  The woman’s name was Martha and as she invited Billy inside, she asked him when was the last time he had eaten?
Yesterday morning Ma’m, Billy said, as Martha prepared him some cold pork and cooked beans.  Billy was so hungry that he thought it was the best thing that he had ever tasted. Martha then told Billy to be careful in the woods because both union and rebel forces had been seen recently and there were stories of atrocities from both sides as they passed on their way.  Martha also said she had heard that Union forces had burned a farm up in Bowie a few weeks ago.  Billy stayed quiet and didn’t utter a word.

Billy Remained Quiet

After he finished his meal, Billy thanked Martha who had packed salt pork for him to take on his way.  Billy walked George to the water trough and waited as George drank.  He looked across the fields and he could sense what was coming.  This tranquil and pastoral scene was soon to be transformed into blood and gore as the epic struggle between North and South finished its first year. It was late fall in 1861 and Billy’s birthday was in two more weeks.  This was never the way he envisioned turning sixteen to be.

Billy thanked Martha, put the salted pork in his pouch, and remounted George. Martha said:  Whichever side you are riding to, may God be with you, young man.  Billy thought it was strange that she knew where he was heading without him telling.  He then also thought that he was probably not the first young traveler to stop at this farm for some kind words and sustenance. He rode back out in the field to thank the farmer, but when he got to the spot where he had met him before, the farmer was not there.  Billy wondered where he could have gone.  As he rode back down the cobbled dirt road, he noticed a sign at the end where it reconnected with the main road — Billett’s Farm. That wasn’t the name the farmer had told him when they were first introduced before.

Hawkins He Had Said

Billy worked his way towards Charlotte Hall.  From there he would head East to Pope’s Creek and try to get on the short ferry that would take him across the Potomac River and over to Virginia. Then Billy was sure he would finally be safe.  Tonight though, he only made it as far as Benedict Maryland, and he again needed to find secluded shelter for the night. Benedict was right along the banks of the Patuxent River where the farming was good, and the fishing was even better.

It was getting dark when Billy spotted what he was looking for.  There was a large farm up ahead with two large barns and three out buildings.  Billy sat inside the trees and waited for dark.  It was inside the outbuilding furthest to the east that he intended to stay the night.  As darkness covered the fields, Billy walked slowly towards the large shack.  He led George behind him by his lead and hoped that he would remain quiet.  George was an older horse, now fifteen, and seemed to always know what was required of him without asking.  Not that you can really ask a horse to do anything, but George did just seem to know.

Billy got to the outbuilding and put his ear to the back wall to see if he could hear anything from inside.  When he was sure it was safe, he walked around front to the door, opened it, and he and George quickly walked inside.  In the very dim moonlight, Billy could see that it was about 20’ X 20’ and had chopped wood stored against the back wall.  There were also two empty stalls and a loft up above about 10’ X 20.’  Billy decided to sleep downstairs in case he had to get away fast, and after tying George to the furthest back stall, he laid down in the stall to its right and fell fast asleep.
Billy doesn’t know how long he had been asleep, but all at once he heard the sound of clicking and could feel the cold hard press of steel against his left temple.  He woke up in a start and could see five men with lanterns standing over him in the stall.  As his eyes started to adjust, he noticed something strange.  Three of these five men were black.

Whatcha doin here boy, and where you headed, the biggest of the three black men asked him?  Billy knew that how he was to answer that question would probably determine whether he lived through the night. I’m headed to Virginia to try and find my older brother. Our farm was burned a few weeks ago and my mother and baby sister are now living with relatives.  I need to let my brother know, so he will know where to find us when the war is over.
I think this here boy’s fixin to join up with the Rebs, another of the black men shouted out.  Tell the truth boy, you’re headed to Richmond to sign up with old Jeff Davis ain’t you?  Billy lied and said he wasn’t sure of which side to fight for and that he had a brother fighting for each.  With that, the biggest of the three sat him on a barrel in the corner and began to talk again …
What you done tonight boy is decide to camp in a rural spot of the Underground Railroad.  You know what that is boy?  We have a real problem now because you knows where it’s at.  We can’t trust that you won’t tell nobody else and ruin other’s chances to get North and be free.  Billy just stared into the man’s face.  He had a strength mixed with kindness behind his eyes and for a reason Billy couldn’t understand, he felt safe in this man’s presence.

Son, we is makin our way over to Preston on the western shore where we catches a train to the North.  We have one more stop before there and that’s at the Hawkins place just thirty miles up the road.  Billy then knew why the stalls back at Martha’s barn had looked slept in.  He still wondered why the sign at the farm entrance had said Billett instead of Hawkins.  The black man then said: My names Lester, and those two men over there are brothers named Rayford and Link.  By now, the two white men were gone and only the four of them were left in the stall.

Since you say you haven’t made your mind up yet about which side to join, let me help you a little with your choosin.  Lester then went on to tell Billy that Rayford and Link had five other brothers and two sisters that were all killed while trying to escape to the North.  Not only were they killed, but they were tortured before being hanged just outside of Columbia South Carolina.  Lester then asked Rayford and Link to remove their shirts.  As they did, Lester took his lantern and shined it over both of their backs.  Both were totally covered with scars from the several lashings they had received on the plantation where they had worked back in South Carolina.  Lester said this was not unusual, and no man should be treated that way.  This was worse treatment than the slave owner would ever do to any of his animals.

Lester then said again: It’ll be a shame to have to **** you boy, but for the better good of all involved, I’ll do what I gots to do. With that, the three men walked outside, and Billy could hear them talking in hushed tones for what seemed like an hour.  Lester walked back inside alone and said: What’s your name son?  We’ve decided we're taking you with us up the road a piece.  You might come in handy if we need a hostage or someone with local knowledge of the area as we make our way t’wards Preston. Go back to sleep and we’ll wake you in an hour when it’s time to go.

Billy couldn’t sleep. It had been a long day of interrogation and darkness was again approaching.  He heard the men talking outside and from what they were saying, he realized they did all of their traveling at night hiding out in small barns and shacks like this during the light of day. He wondered now if he’d ever see home again.  He wondered even more about his previous decision to fight for the South.

In an hour, Lester came in and asked Billy if that was his horse in the stall next to him.  Billy said it was and Lester said: Get him outside, we’re going to load him with the chillens and then be on our way.  When Billy walked outside he saw eight other black people in addition to the three he had previously met.  It was a mother and father and five children all aged between three and eleven.  Lester hoisted the three smallest children up on George’s back, as the other two lined up to walk alongside.  They would make sure that none of the younger ones fell off as they maneuvered their way North through the trees at night.  The mother and father walked quietly behind, as the three large black men led the way with Link scouting up ahead for anything unforeseen.

Just before dawn, Billy recognized where they were.  They were at the end of that farm road he had just come down the day before, but the sign now read in faded letters Hawkins.  Billy looked back at the sign and he could see something written on the back.  As he squinted into the approaching sun, he could see the letters B-I-L-L-E-T-T written of the back of the board.  Billy was now more confused than ever.  Lester told them all to wait in the trees to the left of the farm road, as he took out three small rocks from his pants pocket. The sun was almost up and this was the most dangerous part of their day.

He approached the house slowly and threw the first stone onto the front porch roof — then followed by the second and then the third.  Without any lights being lit, the front door opened and Lester walked inside.  In less than a minute, he was back in the trees and said:  It now OK fo us to makes our way to the barn, where we’s gonna hide for the day.

After they were settled in the five empty stalls, Lester decided who would then take the first watch.  He needed to have two people on watch, one looking outside for approaching strangers and one watching Billy so he wouldn’t try to escape.  What Lester didn’t know was that Billy wasn’t sure he wanted to go anywhere right now and was starting to feel like he was more part of what was going on than any hostage or prisoner.

In another hour, Martha came in with two big baskets of food: Oh I see you have found my young friend Billy, I didn’t know that he worked for the road.  Lester told Martha that he didn’t, and he was still not sure of what to do with him.  Martha just looked down at Billy and smiled. I’m sure you’ll know the right thing to do Lester, and then she walked back outside toward the house. Lester told Billy that Martha was a staple on the Road to Preston and that without her, hundreds, maybe thousands of black slaves would now be dead between Virginia and Delaware.  He then told Billy that Martha was a widow, and both her husband and two sons had been killed recently at the Battle of Bull Run.  They had fought on the Confederate side, but Martha still had never agreed with slavery.  Her husband and sons hadn’t either, but they sympathized with everything else that the South was trying to do.

Billy’s head felt like it wanted to explode.  Here was a woman who had lost everything at the hands of Yankee soldiers and yet was still trying to help runaway slaves achieve freedom as they worked their way through Maryland.  Billy wanted to talk to Martha.  He also wondered who that man was in the field the previous morning when he had stopped to introduce himself.  He was sure at the time it had been Martha’s husband, but now Lester had just said that she was a widow. More than anything though, Billy wanted to talk to Martha!

Billy asked Lester when he returned from his watch if he could go see Martha inside the house.  Lester said: What fer boy, you’s be better off jus sittin quietly in this here barn. Billy told Lester that if he mentioned to Martha that he wanted to see her, he was sure she would know why and then agree to talk with him.  Lester said: I’ll think on it boy, now go get ya some sleep.  Oh by the way, did you get somethin to eat?  Matha’s biscuits are the best you’ll ever taste.  Billy said, Yes, and then tried to lie down and go to sleep.  His mind stayed restless though and he knew deep in his heart, and in a way he couldn’t explain, that Martha held the answer he was desperately in need of.

In about two more hours Martha returned with more food.  She wanted to dispense it among the children first, but three were still sleeping so she wrapped theirs and put it beside them where they lay.  After feeding the adults, she walked over to Billy and said: Would you help me carry the baskets back up to the house? Billy looked at Lester and he just nodded his head.  On the way back to the house Martha said: I understand you want to talk to me. I knew I should have talked with you before, but you were in such a hurry we never got the chance.  Let’s go inside and sit down while I prepare the final meal.

Martha then explained to Billy that she had been raised in Philadelphia.  She had met her husband while on a trip to Baltimore one summer to visit relatives.  Her husband had been working on a fishing boat docked in Londontown just south of Baltimore.  It was love at first sight, and they were married within three weeks.  Martha had only been back to Philadelphia twice since then to attend the funerals of both of her parents.  She then told Billy what a tragedy this new war was on the face of America … with brother fighting brother, and in some cases, fathers fighting their own sons. It not only divides us as a nation, but divides thousands of families, especially those along the Mason-Dixon line where our farm is located now.

She also told Billy her name was Billett, but they used Hawkins at night as the name of her Railway Stop along the Road. Hawkins was Martha’s maiden name and to her knowledge was not well known in these parts. Hawkins was also the name distributed throughout the South to runaway slaves who were trying to make their way North. Martha felt that if they were looking for someone in her area named Hawkins, they would have a hard time tracing it back to her.  The Courthouse that she and her husband had been married in burned down over fifteen years ago and all records of births, deaths, and marriages, had been consumed by that fire.

By reversing the sign at night to Hawkins, it allowed the runaway slaves to find her in the darkness while protecting her identity in the event that they were caught.  Under questioning, they might give up the name Hawkins while having no knowledge of the name Billett which in these parts was well known. Martha also told Billy that she had nothing left to lose now except her dignity and pride.  Her two sons and husband had been taken at Bull Run and now all she wanted was for the war to end and for those living imprisoned in slavery to be set free and released. Her dignity and pride forced her to try and do everything she could to help.

When Billy asked Martha … How did you know the right thing to do? she said: The right thing is already planted there deep inside you.  All that’s required is for you to be totally honest with yourself to know the answer.  Martha then turned back to her cooking.

Lester then walked into the kitchen and said: Martha Ma’m, what’s we gonna do wit dis boy?  Martha only looked at Billy and smiled as she said, Lester, this boy’s gonna do just fine.  Lester then looked at Billy and said: Somethin you wanta say to me son? Billy asked if he could go feed his horse and then come back in a few minutes.  Lester said that he could but not to take too long.

When Billy walked back into the barn, George was tied to a wall cleat in the far left corner.  He walked him out to the water trough in the dark and then back inside where he gave him another half- bucket of oats.  He looked in George’s eyes for that surety that George always had about him.  Just as he started to look away, George ****** up his head and looked to his left.  The youngest of the black children was walking toward George with something in her hand.  She was with her older sister, and she was carrying an apple — an apple for George. George took the apple from her hand as he nudged the side of her face with his nose.  Billy looked at the scene, and, in the moment’s revelation, knew instantly the right thing for him to do.

Billy went back inside where Lester and Martha were drinking coffee by the fire.  Billy told Lester that NOBODY knew these backwaters like he and his brothers. He also told Lester that by joining his cause he would never be faced with the possibility of meeting either of his brothers on the field of battle.  This seemed to strike a nerve with Lester who had a brother of his own fighting for the south somewhere in Louisiana.  In Louisiana, many of the black’s were free men and fought under General Nathan Bedford Forrest where they would comport themselves with honor and bravery throughout the entire war.

Billy then told Lester he had never agreed with slavery, and his father had always refused to own them.  This made the work harder on he and his brothers, and some of their neighbors ostracized them for their choice.  Billy said his father didn’t care and told him many times that … No man should ever own another or Lord over him and be able to tell him what he can or cannot do.

Lester then asked Billy what he knew about these backwaters.  Billy said he knew every creek and tributary along the Patuxent River and all the easiest places to get across and get across safely where no one could see.  Lester said they had a friendly ferry across the bay to Taylors Island, but many times the hardest part was getting across the Patuxent to where they were now.  From here, they would then decide whether to go across the bay to Preston or head further North to other friendly stops along the Road to Delaware. Billy said he would be most helpful along those stops further North and on this Western side of the bay as he knew the terrain so well.

For four more years Billy worked out of Martha’s farm hiding and transporting runaway slaves on their way North.  He would make occasional trips back to Bowie to fortify the barn that the Union soldiers had not burned when they torched his house that day.  His family’s barn would become the main Railroad Stop before taking those last steps to freedom that lay just 100 miles beyond in the free state of Delaware.

After reconstruction, Billy went on to become a lawyer and then a judge in Calvert County Maryland.  Martha had left Billy the farm in her will, and he now used it as a haven for black people who were freely emigrating from the south and needed a place to stay and rest before continuing on to the Industrial cities of the northeast.

When Martha was dying, Billy asked her who that mysterious farmer was that was out tending her field that morning when he first stopped by so many years ago? Martha said:Why don’t you know; that was my father, Ethan Hawkins. He worked that field every day since my husband and two boys were killed.  I’m surprised he let you see him.  I thought I was the only one who ever knew he was there.  But, but, but, your father died many years ago I thought.  Martha looked at Billy with those beautiful and gentle eyes and just smiled …

Seeing him that day had changed Billy and the direction
of his life forever, making what seemed like King
Solomon’s choice — the right and only one for him.


Kurt Philip Behm
hayley robertson Jan 2018
I don’t know how to just be your friend
Trust me, that’s literally all that I want to be
Because I can’t be stuck in this back and fourth continuous stream forever

When we reconnected, I felt something inside of me that I hadn’t felt since the day we met
And that’s sappy and stupid, but I don’t care
How dare I let myself get close to you again
And we’re not even close
We’re nowhere as close as we used to be, but in a way we’re closer
How dare you renter my life and think that it’s fair to just pick up where we left off, but actually not
Because you know the impact you have on me

Did you know that the last time I cried up until recently was February of 2016?
But then recently, when I got scared of what was going to become of this newfound friendship,
I cried again — every night for a few nights
And when I think of you leaving again like you left the first time it honestly breaks my heart

Did you know that I wrote a letter to you a few weeks ago when we hung out for the first time
Because it didn’t feel like the first time, it just felt like a continuation of all the other times
Except this time was better
I wrote a letter that I had planned to give to you after a while of reconnecting
But now I just really don’t know

You said me “I think it would work better if we had dated now, rather than two years ago”
How the hell do you think you can just say something like that and it be okay
How do you think that you can have late night conversations with me
And send pictures back and forth
And, oh god, the worst, SHARE MUSIC WITH ME
And keep up this so called “friendship”

But no, not as a regular thing
God forbid we have more than a 5 minute conversation in one day
And just to be clear, no, I don’t think that it’s “unreasonable” to be developing feelings

I wish you would just give it a chance again
I know you recently felt something, even if it was just a little, because you told me
And because I saw the real you for a split second
And yes, that messed with my head even more, in case you were wondering

Do you believe in soul-mates?
Because I do with my whole entire being
And the reason I can write this without it being weird
And the reason I’m putting up with the 5 minutes a day, is because there is something here and it has not gone away and it will not go away
And I’m literally sacrificing any feelings that could be developing for anyone else during this time
Because I am not giving up, and honestly, I never did give up
I was upset and I acted out, but that was only to hide that I still cared
And I really think, well, hope, that deep down you might still care as well

— The End —