I could try every possible way to justify my sadness to you.
But it still wouldn't make sense because the only way anyone who doesn't already feel this way can see it is, as
No combination of 26 letters is gonna be able to encompass it.
And I could tell you how I'm feeling
but sad is really mild.
You have no idea how it feels to simply be walking home then suddenly start hating yourself and knowing that
this is it
this is how it is
is gonna change that.
You won't be able to comprehend how much misdirected hate there is everywhere when in actuality it's an individual causing it.
And I know you believe that I'm driving myself into this state because you believe I feel unloved or unappreciated... but it runs so much deeper. So so much deeper.
not feeling safe and comfortable within yourself
looking out of a tiny hole in a box because you're not like the other kids
You see things differently but you try.
You try to fit in.
You try to smile
and be happy
and find joy in the littlest things.
And yet, it isn't real.
It's all forced because you have to try, to feel that way.
For most people it comes naturally.
Trying to explain to you why I feel the way I feel, could end up to be a string of gibberish lined up to sound nice but
at the end of the day it's really simple:
I hate myself
I know I shouldn't and I know
I'm not a killer or a rapist or a
thief... but I hate myself.
And that is it.
well not really… though I told
every grinning green Catholic soul
at my school I did that and more
I did smell the wine on her breath
and watch her fall into the trailer
her gown hitting the floor
before she closed the door
her body as white as the fake snow
spitting onto the set, and
as cold perhaps
I was sixteen and she was fifty one
this was my one and only, her last,
flick, not fling, though I would have
cut off an arm for it to have been so
not the arm she touched
in our one immortal scene together…
her electric hand,
all the blond hairs on my forearm standing at attention
me wondering if the camera caught
their helpless vertical veer
it mattered not, most of the scene
landed not on the screen, but
the cutting room floor, my two lines slashed to one
my 48 seconds with her shaved to 22
I did not cry when I heard she died,
twenty months later, but my lie seem soiled
once she was in the ground
I confessed to Father Ryan
he was silent when
I asked what to tell
the fools who believed
the dying star lay with me
simply because she said,
“Call me Vivien, not Ms Leigh”
That day seemed like any another,
a typical trip down to the barbershop
for my monthly hair-clip.
I’d had been riding my bicycle
for a while, it was no big deal
for a ten-year-old boy.
Mum would give me the money,
just enough to leave a bit of a tip.
Looking back, I never really got
the creeps from Frank ‘till that day.
His voice seemed slower,
deeper, lower, almost guttural.
When he walked by the raised-chair,
he’d brush up against me,
it didn’t feel right.
He left me staring straight ahead,
with him standing at the sink
just behind me.
When he finally spun my seat around,
I was in total shock,
I couldn’t make a peep,
not a single sound,
I felt glued to his perch.
He was standing erect,
his pants bunched down to his knees,
he was jerking a lot,
like there was no tomorrow.
His glazed-eyes met mine,
he was seriously at play,
it was sickening,
I sprang to me feet,
bolted out the front glass door,
hopped on my sting ray,
spun the pedals
like the devil was chasin’ me,
I never looked back.
To this day,
Mum still wonders
why my haircut was free,
why I didn’t have to pay.
She's also curious
as to why
only half my head
I told her Frank
it was the new style,
he gave it to me 'on the house'.
To this day
I cut my own hair,
It isn't a struggle
it isn't miserable
I love for a short while
to be out running about,
Working the muscles,
Checking life and nature out.
Fuels the center.
Enlivens the body, spirit, and brain.
From morning until sleeping
A constant pace throughout the day
In California we work out and embrace fitness
In the golden arms of sun and sand
Where the waves crash with a divine poignancy
Nature and beauty, centering
I used to fly the long coast line
Watching the dolphins in numbers
The surfers floating, talking, surfing
The seagulls alive on the vortices of my wings
And my heart in a palace of peaceful serenity
Move far away...
To the forests, lakes, and rivers
Where weather does rage in all natural forms
Still I embrace all the energy and peace
it is not cold, I'm awake and living
So at home in the elements, all a part of me
Happy in my soul, content...yes. that I am
Funny the perspectives
The mind-sets from Muscle Beach mentalities
To the wilds of Michigan
This is what makes being a traveller
What different worlds, different ways
None of them wrong,
some a little mix
From here and there
The world is a very small place
The world is really so big
i really wish you would have told us
that we were being too loud
instead of just listening to all of the words
you were never supposed to hear
All of these Catholic girls
With their attitudes and high heels
They used to wear skirts
But since then, they've grown wheels
Making there way over to me
Smiling white and talking pretty
What is it that they can't see?
I was raised in whatever with a Christmas tree
I was born in a junkyard
Where the dogs come out to play
They were being taught by nuns
While I sidestepped Him in my own way
They don't teach you that Jesus can't save you
In a school where they take you for what you have
You're really sweet with your mouth
And the way you move your lips
I really want a piece of you
To put my hands on your hips
But I've seen the signs, baby
And they point the other way
But if I'm wrong, then maybe
I'll stay because my heart's made of clay
Now if you'd please give me a moment
Just stay there while I think about this
I have to clear my big head again
Because you've filled it with nonsense
So just excuse me, dear, excuse me, honey
Look the other way while I'm down on myself
Raised in a little house, never much money
And now that I'm older, I don't need no help
So please, please just be on your way
I can't help myself when I'm feeling this way
Something is worrying me,
Something that would at first seem laughably trivial,
but really isn't.
When we meet, as we shortly will,
Should I take you in my arms, like I desperately want to,
Or maintain a careful distance?
So much has happened.
And you say you regret everything, every day,
But I'm not sure I believe you,
And I don't share your regret.
I am scared that you will read the truth
In my embrace,
And that's the real dilemma.
I don't want to lie to you
And I don't want to lose you again.
You took my hand and lead me down
to the deepest depths of my soul
You showed me who I really am
And the things I'm capable of
You forced me to see
Just how hard I could fight
To silence your demons
That hold me so tight
I fight to stay focused
I fight to stay calm
I fight to keep myself sane
I fight to trust people, including myself
And I fight to forget your name
I'll never forget the day I found out
That everything you said was a lie
I'll never forget the feeling I had
Of wanting to curl up and die
The childish games you played with my heart
Left it a broken mess
I fight to forget you ever existed
And release the pain from my chest
I fight to be trusting
I fight to be fair
I fight to forget the pain
I fight for the chance to let myself feel
And I fight to forget your name
Help me to see
Why you did this to me
What about me led you here
I don't understand,
Forgiveness be damned,
Why you worked for all my tears
Maybe some day you'll meet a sweet girl
And she'll make you feel happy and whole
I hope, if you do, she rips your heart out
And shows you the depths of your soul
Then you'll see why the battle I fight
Is a painful and exhausting ordeal
You'll see how numb the pain can make you
And you'll fight just to be able to feel
You'll fight to feel normal
You'll fight to feel calm
You'll fight to keep yourself sane
You'll fight to know why this happened to you
And you'll fight to forget her name
Why do I still want you.
Why am I still possessive.
I just want to be able to know that your mine.
I don't want to be back in a relationship.
I want to be friends...
I want to be able to kiss you.
But I don't want a title.
So I guess,
Friends with mild benefits is what I want.
About once a month...
We either end up kissing,
or falling asleep holding hands.
So I know you would be somewhat okay with it...
But we're not really friends.
I feel like I'm just a make out buddy.
Ad that's not what I want.
I want a friendship with you.
A friends with mild benefits relationship.
We share all the same friends,
But I know you don't consider me as one.
And that's what I want to change.
I miss you.
Being able to talk and hangout with you...
Without the awkwardness.
And without having to watch everything I do!
I love you.
I love the things you say.
I love the things you do.
I love you in every single way.
I love your hair.
I love your smile.
I love how you play fair.
I love how you make me stay a while.
I love your voice.
I love how you love food.
I love the face you make when making a choice.
I love you in any mood.
I love you top to bottom.
I love how you solve a problem.
I love the way you walk.
I love the way you talk.
I love how you write.
I love you, day and night.
I love the way you hold a pen.
I love you more, every now and then.
I love your taste.
I love how our memories don't get erased.
I love how you get me to do anything.
I love your rights, I love your wrongs, I love everything.
I love how you look out the window.
I love how you make sure I don't feel like a zero.
I love how you love Christmas.
I love you, can I get a witness?
I love how you can cook.
I love how you love books.
I love how you love your sister.
I love how you admit to being a sinner.
I love how you're so smart.
I love how you're good at art.
I love how I feel when I look at you.
I love you, I don't know what to do.
I love how you never really get mad.
I love how you smile even when you're sad.
I love the way you dance.
I love the fingers on your hands.
I love you even when you don't reply.
I love how you're always beautiful, even when you cry.
I love how you answer the phone.
I love you more than you will ever know.
I love the fact you're still reading my poem.
I love how my heart is what you've stolen.
I love how you're grinning at how I can't rhyme.
I love you, even if I know you'll never be mine.