I've been screaming, "I'm lost, I'm dead!"
And everything in life seems lost as well,
But I've finally heard the words unsaid.

All the books of the world I've fully read,
But off society's high shelf I fell,
I've been screaming, "I'm lost, I'm dead!"

Never walked the aisle, never did I wed.
Sometimes life really hurts like hell.
But I've finally heard the words unsaid.

My world has felt as black as lead,
I've heard the tolling of the midnight bell.
I've been screaming, "I'm lost, I'm dead!"

But you raised me from my cold death bed,
You held the key to my prison cell,
And I've finally heard the words unsaid.

"You're worth more than you think deep in your head
You're beautiful, You're lovely." To me you tell.
I've been screaming, "I'm lost, I'm dead!"
But I've finally heard the words unsaid.

"It's cool"!? Are you kidding me? Do you know how many times you have lied to me in the past? I have trusted you from day one! All you do is come back and hurt me, then leave and hurt me more! Do you have any idea how many times I have sat down and cried because of you? And "It's cool"? You have got to be kidding me. Just when I thought that I was possibly falling for you. Huh. Life is so fucking ironic isn it? Well Fuck you! Just go! Don't talk to me anymore. Because I'm finished. "It's cool." What the fuck you think this is!? You sound just like him! You and Andrew both think the world is under your feet. Well it's not! I am not your play-thingy. I'm a human being! I cry, I feel pain. And "It's cool"... Well that hurts a lot. I hope you read this and learn from your mistakes. This time I mean goodbye when I say it. "It's cool." No... It's not...

You tell me that I am young
That life has merely licked me, not stung
That I do not understand, that I have not yet lived
Enough to grasp the substance

I have known disease
Slow tears, muted pleas
Pain that nothing could appease
I have known the smell of hospitals for summers
The beeping and slurping of machine in massive numbers

I have spoken to voiceless loved ones,
Loved ones with teethless mouths and twisted tongues
Distorted jaws and wheezing lungs.
We have spoken with little green charts
And broken hearts
From the inability to connect the mouth to the thoughts in the head
And I left without understanding,
What they had said
Because I eventually had to let it go
(I still don't know)

I have spent countless summer nights
In nature’s garb, floating silently in a river
So warm that my limbs, skimming the surface, didn't shiver
Under a clear sky, the stars like paradisiac lights
Without anyone ever finding out
About these wild and primal escapades

I've drank, I've smoked
I have burned my throat
With coarse lemon gin
Until I could no longer feel my skin.

I have been frightened
Yes I have felt fear, like a noose around my throat being tightened
Like a gruesome black crow, perched on my shoulder
I have often awoken affright at night,
Longing, praying, for the morning light
I have felt fear, wild, fierce and turbulent fear
More than anyone will everyone will ever know
By men, by life, by myself
Desolate under the sheets, like a forsaken toy
All by myself

I have seen Paris in the rain
Traveled the French countryside by train
I've woken up to New York window views
And seen New Orleans afternoons, filled with heat and blues.
I've swam the Mexican Baja waters, turquoise and clear
With snakes as sharp as spears

I have known humiliation
Causing my cheeks to turn carnation
A spoon, emptying my insides out
Like a gourd

I have loved
I have known the aching pain of a swelled heart
And the way it can tear you apart
I have gushed torrents upon my pillows and sleeves
Tears running down my chin like guilty thieves
From a lit-up house

I have known death, and grief
The meaning of "never"
Whimpering in the school bathroom
And cold, lonely nights

I have seen the works of Van Gogh, Mondrian, and Miro,
Modigliani, Cezanne, and Frida Kahlo
Of Monet, Gauguin, Matisse, Magritte, and Picasso
I have wandered through hallways of masterpieces
Holding tight to my grandmother's hand
And I have wept shamelessly for joy
Before Degas's La classe de danse

I have been diagnosed
I have undergone computer programs designed to shift my brain, to better it
To get me to be normal, to submit
I have had brain-altering medicine shoved down my throat,
Like stuffing a goose,
To make my brain run a little less loose
And I have submitted and gotten use to my brain being altered.

I have had kisses that were mere trifles
Frivolous, yet fierce and acute like shots from a rifle
Lips of mere flesh, not sweet godly nectar
And gazes that meant everything
That seemed to connect with an invisible yet indestructible string
Iris like distant galaxies and pupils twinkling like black jewels
Eyes that seemed enkindled by some ethereal fuel
Speaking of emotions far too secluded, cryptic and cluttered
To be worded and uttered

I know the way in which violence resides
Not in commotion, brusqueness, nor physical harm
But in silence
In the time that covers pain and secrets
In the slow impossibility of trust
In the way that some secrets become inconceivable to tell, time has so covered them in rust
In that dull, dismal ache
In all that is doomed to remain forever opaque.

I have read, for pleasure,
The works of Balzac, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, and Voltaire
Of Bobin, Gaude, and Baudelaire
Of Flaubert, Hemingway
and good old Bradbury, Ray
Émile Zola,  Primo Levi
Moliere, Rousseau, and Bukowski
I have read, and loved, and understood

I have known insomnia
The way a beach knows the tides
Sleepless nights of convulsive, feverish panic, of clutching my sides,
Of silent hysteria and salty terror.
I know what happens at night, when sweet slumber seems so far away
The worries and woes seem to multiply and swell in hopeless disarray
My lips grow pale, my eye grow sunken
As a time ticks by, tomorrow darkens




I have witnessed horror
In the form of a blue body bag
Being rolled out with a squeaking drag
By two yellow-vested men
With apologetic eyes
That seemed to say "Oh god
We're so sorry you had to see that
Please, please
Go home
And try to forget"

But you are right
I am still just a child
Naive, innocent, and pure
I have known nothing dark or obscure
I have not yet lived.

(this is a spoken word poem, the entirety of which is intended to be read with a single breath.  understanding that we cannot all do this, i have not broken it up into verses or any form at all so that, hopefully, as you stream through it you don't stop - thanks!)


but if you're listening...

just beyond the fog of dreaming in your presence
so connected to the gravity of rainy days in a bed
that i was in so frequently it almost belonged to me
january blew icicles into me punching holes where
all the warmth leaked out weeks ago you once told
me its the people you break that know you the best
somewhere you had kissed me long as if i belonged
spouting your black coffee monologues on street
corners never caring to remove a cigarette from
your mouth like a painting dirty with reality
been waiting all my life just to worry about now
can it just wait can it all go away the rain stains
dance out there like the asphalt has turned to
water breaking my heart to wake from dreams
of you refusing to rise from my place of waiting
straining to hear the echo remnant melody of a
song you never sang pretending  you are here to
make this hole feel a little smaller some authority to
my heart you hold you're out of reach beyond my
senses leaving your imprints like scars suffocating
in your silence the empty quiet periods of my life
you leave and without accepting

...i grieve

She believes in happy things
Invisible beings with fairy wings
Fluttery butterflies make her dance
An endless game of happenstance
Eyes of wonder, transparent soul
The world is cruel but she doesn't know...

She greets me with smiles from ear to ear
To hold her heart I solemnly swear
Gentle touch soothe the soul
In her presence I turn to gold
She holds my restless heart at bay
As she executes her innocent ways...

Her plans get lost in the making
A pouty face when shes faking
Empty cups of invisible tea
Cartoon bandages when she bleeds
Shelves filled with eyes that stare
She loves her tattered teddy bear...

Crayon drawing of sunny skies
She draws me with big wide eyes
Read me a story, she hands me a book
It's past her bedtime but she gives me that look
I tuck her in and read her asleep
And pray my love she'll always keep...

All of the kisses and the closeness seem distant now.
The sweet nothings and the silly laughter are left miles behind me,
like the sunshine of a distant horizon.
I've read my share of endings, and now I can smell them coming.
Tension hangs in the air like humidity,
and one after another, friends turn their backs like leaves before a storm.
The clouds are gathering now, and there is nothing to do but wait
for the first drop to fall like a tear.
But I will not cry today, for I have weathered enough storms.
I knew this was coming.