i want to help you not be afraid
not in a pushy bossy sort of way, (like the others go about it,)
poking and prodding you
when you're hurt
and saying "that's foolish, don't be afraid of that,
that's a stupid thing to do"
but because you're simply so wonderful that i don't want you to ever have to be afraid
I want to be able to hold you
and whisper softly into your ear that everything's alright
and that you don't have to be scared
and to grin at you
and kiss your hair
and for you to just never have to be afraid of anything that is not here and now, nor anything that ever existed in the past. (if you're ever in danger i'll protect you from it with my life)
not anything ever.
(til i'm with you then, i'm with you there,
sweetly buried in your jet black hair
you're no Johanna
but i'll steal you)
i want to fix you
i want to help you never feel broken ever again (this is my damned hero complex and i know it)
(I have never been very mechanically inventive, but i like fixing broken things, i always have to be the hero, be Alice, but in real life it's not like that and one must put away childish things and notions)
i want to help you overcome this
because what did i ever do in some past life to deserve a chance to love a soul as wondrous as yours
Courtney gets scared and i cannot help her from all the way in america
a long time ago some schoolteacher gave her necrophobia from being so horrible when supposedly teaching them about the holocaust, and now she has issues sometimes with things like nazis and gory television and sometimes she gets dreadfully stressed out thinking about death and i don't really know because she doesn't talk about it much but she got triggered the other day and it was scary and i wanted to be there and hold her but i could not and it was awful
this isn't really poetry, this isn't even trying to be poetry, this is just me being sappy and honestly i have no idea
Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd and its gr9 soundtrack is eternally ruining my life here have some halfassed lyrics to Johanna with some of the words changed because i am not even sorry
also nearly directly quoting Memories from Alice: Madness Returns but pfft oh well
I thought by now
I'd be fine
But at times
You creep into
the crevices of my mind
Slowly seeping in
and deepening wounds
You once had stitched
I am in a state
Of feeling inferior
And your false promises
Echo in my brain
That I'll never be the same
the worst part is
I sit patiently waiting
for someone to stitch me up again
While my consciousness
Trys to protect me
I think of honor, and pride
And the clashing of swords
The Heart that beats inside
Master my weapon, an art form
I will protect my land and master,
At the cost of my own life
Arrows and katanas only come faster,
And I'll slip in to the light
The code I've lived by, do or die,
I don't want to hate you as you been through the same, but why? I must know I trusted you. You let me down, Oh how could you there is no where to run or hide please don't give me your "excuses" you have stolen my youth nothing can give it back. IT was your fault and not mine your behavior changed my life forever the pain; I still carry around with me I feel a nothing a nobody my life is in ruins you paid the price! But as for me I feel trapped inside me wishing the abuse would go away but it follows me in my heart and I hold on to the bitterness that's all I have got, you see the pain is within me how can I ever forgive you now. knowing that we will never have a relationship hurts me deeply but I need to protect myself and others from you I hope that you understand the way I feel and just for me I need to let you go..
First thing you said when you saw my name
First thing I thought of was a field of daises
Us runningtowards each other in slow motion
Lullaby tunes whispering on the winds
As petals dance to the rhythm
I guess I have a weird perspective
I never expected that you'd be the one
To make me think love was a funny thing
I never expected that someone miles away
Could stop the demon from rising
I'm glad I'm back
Back to basking in the light of your smile
Watching you glow with the thought of our love
It's not everyday I'm given something perfect to protect
But with you I'm not just the guardian
I'm the creator of the perfect twinkle in your star gazing eyes
Wonder how long it will be till I can kiss you
I hope it's not much longer
Because I'm actually going crazy
With the thought of you at my side
Heaven and Hell wreaking havoc
On the true definition of love
I missed you was the first thing I saw you say
I love you will be the first thing I hear you say
So I better get to running towards you
In this world of daisies
Wilting away as long as I'm not close to you
Gaining life as come closer to touching
The chest that holds two hearts
Hearing the orchestra of love
Play the music that will save my soul
I missed you too
I love you even more
I should have never let you go in the first place
So I'll make it right
When I hold you tight in my arms
Dont blame me if I just stop talking,
Dont blame me if I never speak to you again.
Its not my fault.
I cant stand to look at you anymore.
I'm going away,
There will be no more...
No more of me.
Dont blame me,
If when you try to talk to me,
I turn the other way.
I've been hurt too much,
I'm trying to protect myself.
Each night the little girl builds a fortress of pillows and blankets to protect herself from the irrational fear and the very real nightmares that overtake her in the darkness. She forgot to build that fortress last Friday night...and left the extra pillows on the floor and the bear she sleeps with in a chair. The above facts were brought to my attention the next night as the hus was heading to bed. As typical, he exits the man-cave and stands in the hallway and announces that he is going to bed (as though I'm unable to see him?). Then he says, as he says every night, "Come hold me?"...knowing that I will say, "Sure, I'll be right there." but 'right' really represents several hours... Last night there was a slight deviation to our nightly verbal exchange as he said, "Last night you didn't build your fortress and I don't know what was going on but I woke up at 2:30am and I had like 6 inches of space in the bed because you were so close to me." Hum...I guess I took the "come hold me" phrase seriously on Friday night.
I don't know why the deviation from my normal set up...but I do know that there is this desperate little girl inside of me who longs to be held, but other, more 'grown-up' parts inside of me who know we're supposed to be beyond that now and it will never be - nor will they ever allow that to happen.
I also know that a lot of the time it's difficult for the hus to understand where I am and what's going on with me...I can't even begin to explain it to him when I often don't know myself. So I tend to air on the side of "quietness" in my communication with him too. In other words, I don't often take off the mask in front of him, or ask him for help. Part of me feels bad for him…I recognize that's it's difficult to have a relationship with someone with my history, and I can be more than a handful (understatement...understatement...) and it isn’t easy for anyone to stick with 'us' through the bad times...the really bad times. I get that - and not just with him.
That's why I pull away instead. It's difficult enough for me to deal with all the different and conflicting parts of me - how can I expect anyone else to do it with me? The one who aches for reassurance and care, the one who sabotages any attempts to act like a sophisticated adult with her fears and desperate and confusing needs. The one who aches with the desire to be loved, saved, fixed…on a never-ending search for something to make her feel whole, safe, "unmolested". The sophisticated adult…the professional cold grown woman who hides her insecurity by pretending to be self-confident...some even call her 'stuck-up'. The party girl who can only react to situations with humor and laughter even in the most inappropriate times. The little girl who desperately wants to be held safely by someone who will not hurt her.
How can anyone else get through to all of that? I can't do it and believe me, I've tried.
Today, the sophisticated adult is holding steady at the helm...on 'therapy' day, which typically means she will act as though everything is great with the world, even though inside, everyone else is screaming and suffocating under the weight of the fear...sadness...anger...shame... hopelessness. And it is virtually impossible to break through that exterior because she holds the key to lock others out...particularly the therapist because she needs no one, and that holds double for someone who told the 5 year old to "deal with it" because she is busy...and "make another choice since it's after 10 and the closed sign is out"...after being there way after 10 for the little girl for 2 years.
And then, late tonight, when the wind howls, and the snow begins to fall, and the coldness seeps inside of this body and weaves its way up my spine, the desperation will begin, followed by the crying...then the overwhelming fear and hopelessness that will be unrelenting and she will be inconsolable until she cries herself into a restless sleep and wakes up tomorrow with a migraine and swollen red eyes.
You might be thinking, "Nita, if you KNOW that's what's going to happen then can't you stop it? Can't you make a different choice and let the therapist try to help you?"
I don't know why it all seems so out of my control - I can watch it play out but I cannot intervene or stop it. I wish I could...she won't let me use the key either to unlock the door.
About my power
Its very simple
And very common
We all use it
This powerful tool
Has been weilded by many.
It has the power
To tear countries apart,
Bring about peace
And put into place
Laws to protect
Us and the future
I can write with it
And hurt everyone around me
I have done it
Many times over
Now the final bit of power
I weild from it
Will be my own undoing.
So be careful
With this power
Protect and use it wisely
This pen can create
Which will you choose?
Forever isn't long when I'm with you
I've never felt the same way about a guy
Maybe with us it might be true
I see you and I suddenly get butterflies
I tried my hardest to find someone
who didn't go around
and just date some girls for fun
maybe I just wanted
a guy who would like me for me
not break my heart,
it seems that guy is you.
You're the perfect one it seems.
Protect me, keep me safe,
I know it will be
Forever, and always
got these little emotions
never gonna leave my heart
never gonna leave my heart
In my heart I have a secret wish,
But it's not for me, it's for you.
That one day you'd finally find a man who'd
Protect you with all of his heart and all of his soul.
A man that would swear never to leave you,
A man that would be willing to die for you,
A man that would love you with all of his heart and
Heal that little hole of yours, bringing you
I hope you find a man that would love you
As much as I do, and that you'd be
Until then, you have me.
You will always have me
Because I'll always be here for you.