The light that has been gone
Is not the light that we actually need
For it is the light that shall be present
In every home
So each family will come in one
To pray without cease,
To hope for the best and
To battle against life’s tests.
You are something I'm not sure about
like why leaves sometimes fall and sometimes float
or waves sometimes break and sometimes don't.
The sound of us trickles in the streams I pass.
It's in the steady beat of feet and concrete
and it's the quiet refusal of moss to make a single sound as two feet pound.
But another pair might make a sound? Wake the ground? If I churn out rhymes will you get in line?
I'm a single set of feet
crassly attached to a fog and wind and atmosphere of you.
For you are as present as the hawks that circle and the fog that rests
and equally hard to touch.
-Part 3, December 9th-
My True love.
She entered my life at random, miscellaneously speaking with her about her beauty, injecting more flirtation, as is my way.
Then one day I started to stress. The woman I was trying to court, the one with the gorgeous name too beautiful to be spoken, I was falling for her. Far too quickly. And I needed to let her know, I needed to advance the relationship.
I was panicking. I don’t know why, but, I chose a girl at random, the most beautiful I could see at the time, and I began to ask her advice. I wanted to know from a beautiful woman’s perspective what I should do.
She, Belle, told me I should just walk straight up to her and kiss her right on the face. The thought of it made me turn red with embarrassment. It was such a bold move, could it work?
I asked if she was serious, and sure enough she was. This (at the time) blonde woman I chose at random was telling me to march right up the this girl I was head-over-heels for, and kiss her.
I never did. But for some reason, I fell in love with Jami Belle. I still feel guilty for leaving the gorgeous name behind, but, this woman, was something more.
She sent me a preposterous photo of her making this awfully crude face akin to a duck. And my heart melted. This drop dead beautiful girl I don’t even know just exposed herself in one of the most vulnerable poses I’ve ever seen. I loved her. I wanted her. And I told her.
I didn’t pull my usual bullshit and just, try to manipulate her into being in a relationship with me. I told her “I’m falling for you, Jami.”
The next couple weeks were spent wooing her. Constant messaging. Exchanging of truths and flirtations. Then one day, I was sitting in a park, surrounded by amazing music, perfect weather, and I told her “I’m sitting here, surrounded by beautiful people, and I can only think of you.”
I think that’s when she fell for me. Thank god. My chest exploded every night thereafter.
The next two months were spent in love. Complete love. Kissing and snogging and exchanging the most sacred of ourselves to each other. Promises. Embraces. Comfort. True love.
She was in my dreams, almost every night. I loved remembering those dreams. She was my everything.
We had some bumps, who doesn’t? She left me for a bit, we kissed and made up. She told me she couldn’t be rid of me. I melted.
-Note here, This isn’t some shitty teen drama. This may legitimately be the rest of my life.-
Time passed, we were good again. I told her, I asked her “Will you marry me someday?” She made sure I heard her yes.
I ended up with some jewelry for her, A red beaded bracelet and a ring of steel woven like a Celtic knot. I suppose It was a planned promise ring.
He and I... Started to go downhill. As the temperatures dropped, so did both of our emotions. We both seeped slowly into depression and neither knew what to do.
She lives many many miles away. Some nights I lay awake thinking that if she were just a little closer, it could have been better, but no. We both seeped lower.
I couldn’t get her my gifts. She couldn’t get me hers.
We slowed talking. Soon neither of us had anything to say.
She began to ignore me. I can’t blame her; life was terrible, and nothing could be said.
I was terrified of her. She could break my heart, my will, my name and my power at any given moment; through ignoring me, or responding curtly. I was horrified of what we had become.
This didn’t feel like the tru love it once was.
Eventually I became convinced that our love was dead. I was in shambles. I cried a little every day thinking of it, deciding if it were true.
Then an influential figure of mine got me to begin speaking on the subject. Soon, I poured every detail I cared to tell to him, about how I felt, was feeling and all of it. I cried so hard, I don’t know how to describe. I was hysterical. This was the worst I’d ever felt. And it was my fault. I was deciding to end it (with the major influence of this figure I was speaking with). He told me he was shocked, not thinking I was that deeply in love. Me said how he hadn’t felt a heartbreak, a TRUE heartbreak like this until he was in his 20s. I was only 16.
I poured the water. I decided.
It must be dead. She didn’t love me anymore.
I needed closure. I wrote to her, telling her things I shouldn’t have. Absolutes about our relationship, our present, and our future. I spoke to her of her strength, her perfection, how she will always be wanted and loved. It was impossible not to.
And I walked away. I tried to grow. I tried to learn.
I put bandages on my wounds. They began to heal. And scar. Scar deeply.
I got to the point where I could finally flirt with girls again. They jumped on that train and took much of a liking to me. It was nice to feel the attention again, but every time I did, I could really only remember the compliments and sayings and kisses Jami gave to me.
I was still in love.
I was trapped in a purgatory. I had said goodbye, forever; but my heart screamed for her.
Then the astounding happened. She texted me. “Marshall?”
I began to pour water from my eyes and sob silently. “Jami, I need you,” I screamed to myself.
It was slow. There were a lot of revelations between both of us. Truths, some great, others... destroying, obliterating. But she was back. She loved me.
I loved her.
Always, and forever.
The most gorgeous, the most perfect woman in the world. Mine.
Embrace Mother Infinity
She rides the coming glory train
Smiling at time with the eyes of the earth
Spirit man in the moment feels life, the light wind
Forest thoughts know too
making forever desire a human day in the mind at night
Go on, hand the sun reality, resting in a tree away
Longing self, hearing sea sounds and coming friends
Sings open songs to nature’s material little green dreams warmly fearing death from sleeping people
The good beauty ends with divine words, the wood's triumphant frolic
An old tune burning in acid rain, strong feeling, and wild steps
Telling space to ask big questions
Watching life’s existence in my face grow
Shiny naked breath, holding tongues
Came fate, look at the written story
The Hill-god’s dark power far different from pure laughter
Building river leaves forming paths to the green jungle door
Embracing water, unknown sorrow, and mortal wonder flowing together singing daily heat
Cold filled blades falling unseen from Stranger Kings
Onward, swift summer foot, run quietly, sing me whispers on the ground
as circumstance sees half-shadows
understanding sin, cries launch heavenly, heed the happening of the chorus’s command
The dying kiss speaks the dance leaving untamed air in lungs
Stand and die
The truth a lie, paradoxes falling from the sky
Start, grow, remember the past changes, creating deep waves resulting in new living future ways
Meet broken fingers touching distant doors
Playing among realities, the heart’s winged ride
Standing far from beautiful, we heard emotion merging imagination in the sand
with the awakened child sharing a birth
waiting on love’s hidden muse
The present looking steady, suffering tommorow’s mission
Inner sounds on the streets rushing deeper
Young brother steps blindly, exploding sad magic
His imprisoned capacity rattling skyward
Complex perceptions cunningly bestowed
Reverberating urban inspirations, uplifiting
Confirming the invasion of the flame
Erstwhile, rascals descend constraining alleyways promoting complexity
Hallucinatory messiahs tirade at the signage
The realest zeitgeist universally processed
A seal is broken
A problem arisen
An argument settled
A person belittled
A victor discerned
What will it take for us to understand
That a question answered,
is not always a lesson learned
It does not matter.
I do not matter.
Sun and the Moon do not matter.
Day and Night do not matter.
Truth or Lie do not matter.
Do not matter.
After a night of new faces, warm hands and, countless mason jars over flowing with cheap wine; they settled down as soon as standing up became too difficult. His words went away with the smoke from the fire, the stars fell to their feet that night and, arms embraced the body of a lost soul. Adolescence and state boarders piled inside the dorm room along with, spoon fed youth. Friday night turned into saturday morning a new day under the same sky. Hollow hands come with a hollow heart. Shaky words and unwilling eyes, yet yearning to be wanted the way he once wanted her, when the snow flakes fell out of place on the noses of unprepared lovers. But winter shed its layers and new years bring new seasons and, new reasons not to love them. And new ages never bring guaranteed maturity; but time will let you know that not all hands aren't meant for holding. But she still hasn't learned that loose lovers don't make up for half written papers and, bright blue veins begging the body of rest. She keeps telling herself that happiness is a key that everyone is continuously hiding from her. She hasn't told a soul the full extent of what she's actually seen, or how her skin has been ripped open time and time again; and they refuse to be her friends. And if you ever play a game of connect the dots it always lead back to him. Isolation is just another excuse for an unknown absence she cannot control. She watches candle lit lovers kiss in the moonlight. Her shadow always reminds her how ordinary she is; but started putting her thoughts into containers and puts lids on lessons that mean the most. Like how she knows that kisses are not apologies and, even if he is still present she knows she no longer swims around inside his head anymore, simply because he is lost inside of it and, that's okay. And if words are the only thing that currently keep her company, its much better than the false hope she used to patch up her jacket with. Because those patches will tear again anyhow. And as lost she may be, she still finds herself envying the solitude that sits above the mountain tops, she cannot reach.
- it's not healthy for my heart to run miles on a few drops of water.
2. you make my mind and body curious.
3. my eyes are sleepless from unanswered questions.
4. i love incorrectly.
5. i want to build my home in the unsurveyed land of your heart.
6. i can't crown an adjective with your name.
7. you are too blind to see the effects of your spell.
8. confusion and comfort don't seem as different anymore.
9. i don't know if i'm just lonely.
10. you simultaneously incite my captivation and confusion.
11. you can stifle my anger.
12. i miss something that was never mine.
13. you take me out of the present.
14. you are a stain that I cannot remove.
15. i'm surprised that I still trip for you when we cross paths.
16. i poured my heart out to you, i'm unsure if you accepted it.
17. my mother says she adores you.
18. since you give me no answer, my imagination makes answers for you.
19. i fear that you are turning into my tattered safety blanket.
20. you are running within every inch of my skin.
21. you called me lovely.
22. i take things personally nowadays.
23. i wear my heart on two sleeves because it has made a space for you.
24. i am wandering around an abandoned refugee camp for my sustenance.
I can picture my future clearly,
Every crack and warp in the floor boards,
I can see where I’m going to be and where I’m going to go
A ghost of a lover passes through every image
But is never there long enough to make an indent in the mattress;
A fragrance of false hope and dried tears fills my nose
Stains of coffee spilled over every book left on the kitchen counter
I constantly paced back in forth in the middle of the night
Wondering when you’d come home
Whoever you are
Where ever you are
And I wonder now
In the present
Who is that ghost wandering in my future?
love like just know time feel way pain world heart think eyes day oh night away things words say need left thoughts mind life sun want good inside body lost new true damn light make head beautiful stop free hands right small hard loves today little fuck morning thought sweet moment times bed tell dreams long white truth thing song really skin slowly start deep woods silence lies look better lay sleep realize fall sky memories far gone green breath held room dark doesn't hold dream run thank end past dead open begin knew tears yeah hear cause air blood earth self beauty real days finally care big cool north 10w turn walk lips kiss dawn remember sound making hair fingers felt door water woman black outside large she's let's tiny window face bit speak play slow god teeth smell wish heard rain tired silver great bring wants low there's won't soul got tongue live arms red house close girl years letting note music universe man soon clean trees wood thinks post stolen you've gray clouds home ones hot soft wet hate desire warm trying mom comes longer sea thinking darkness hand shore leaves broken glow fool second knows rock read cold stare feels took father sing bag release crazy stone mouth wake forever dust watch came wanted stand help use place needs brings suppose believe laugh shit seen having ways leave weight perfect stars drive miss higher high ocean feeling memory makes present view page bear wash loss snow hell aware constant magic