it is entirely your fault.
You lied and deceived,
too afraid of your own feelings
to step up and say what you wanted to say.
You undermined our inexistent relationship
with doubt that had no reason of existing
and the ridiculous notion that I would surely break your heart to pieces.
Am I breaking your heart to pieces now?
The real question is, do you have a heart at all?
You pretend to be cold and collected,
but I know the truth.
You like things dark and twisted,
but only because you’re too afraid
of not deserving light and beauty.
If anything, you’re scared.
I was, too, at some point.
We all were, but that is no excuse for what you’ve done...
or more, what you haven’t had the courage to do.
You know me well
and you know I feel no need to cling to things.
If anything, I’m too detached
and you were no exception.
I need you to stay away from me.
I cared about you,
but it is done.
You killed it and I buried it without a single tear.
We weren’t and now we will never be,
for above all I value honesty and courage,
and you, sir, are a liar and a coward.
I bid you a good day
I want to go to places,
where water falls, spilling down
hidden rock faces
while pools of water fill the air
with a heavy mist to lift my cares
high out of reach.
Dip my toes into a clear pond,
submerge hold my breath beyond,
not to test me or to test God,
just stay as long, how odd?
to say so long to, my cares.
Now I know they will find me
returning to easily remind me,
they know where I dreamsleep
they are only cares, they
brought their cousins nightmares.
And all I wanted was a break,
a token of a moment of peace,
not be broken into pieces.
You know, I would like to call this a poem
But really all it feels like is bleeding.
Like the flood that pumped through me is,
And trust me,
When I think of all,
I can't help but cringe.
Because somewhere in the between I lost the pieces of my puzzle,
That I was really looking for.
And that the love that I etched so carefully
Into the lines of your face
Ticked backwards, like a forgotten clock,
At his mention.
For you, I connected constellations in your freckles,
As though there was some kind of system of finding my
Way in this labyrinth that I know so well.
I found oceans of depth in those eyes,
That promised me salvation in happiness
That promised love in loss.
Although I have learned,
That when you explore too deep
It is easy to become lost.
The bleeding isn't a pattern,
There is no rhyme to this reason,
Only treason and tragedy.
So excuse the torrent,
Because I've already drowned in the flood.
Remember when flowers grew in the garden?
These fettered motions are weak displays for persistent dreams under half hearted constraints. I fault for wishes despite obvious claims. Declarations and freedom praise. The cold is constant to bitter bones. Frost covering the mirrors and all the tile stones. I sing for summer in a sombre tone. I draw a stick figure portrait of my self in the frozen dew. Losing the moment just for a few. A sun, a flower, and a smile in rememberance of you. You're dead, your body ashes in the pyre. I watched your soul stripped of flesh licked to pieces by the fire. Now I lose myself in honest work til my will and body expires. The air stirs bites of life to my soul. I'M ALIVE AND LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. The tortures faint while I grow old. The tortures faint as I grow old.
Remnants remain of forgotten restraint, crumbled to pieces like a trail of bread. Remember the faults to keep you safe. Remember the pleasures for future choices. Times like these are meant to test us. The powerful emotions overwhelming the soul, like a gasp of air after immersed in cold water. This love was adrift, swift currents pulled us to oceans. Yet despite losing our touch, any good sailor makes it home after a voyage. New chapters remain laying lost in the wake to be gathered and spent for sweet memories.
She's cleared out and gone. Only a few trinkets remain. I've taken down our pictures, and she took most the books. We could only say I love you and with one last passionate kiss part our ways.
After looking back on the last few years with depth and hind sight. I've realized that I never really took a look at myself and what I was doing to the people around me. The selfish glut is over and the stark reality of the bed I've made is terrifying. I'm slashed deep and wide and my emotions are flowing out and my most guarded feelings are being shared with complete strangers. I've begin to cry infront of far too many people. I met a man today who's wife just left him also and in one look we shared the shame of what we've done to those we adored the most. We fought back tears in control of our composer tripping slightly at the raw we couldn't hide. The insight I refused to use could of saved me the love of my life. Instead I hid in our time of need the emotions I felt because I lost a child and couldn't deal with the consequences that my actions brought me. I realize now that I hid my real self from that moment on. The fears and sarrow that I had felt before were paled by light pulled to the depths of this black hole in my heart. I tore myself apart and threw the vulnerable parts to the bottom of my soul. Inadvertently cutting off myself emotionally from everyone around me. I weep at the relationships I missed out on. I just swallowed my aderals and drowned myself in work. Telling myself that success at my job is what my wife needed. More pay, more things, more happiness. The whole time I was snubbing those around me in brash strokes. I look back on a version of myself as a scout tilling and planting a yard for an old lady and compare that to a man who wouldn't open the door for his wife. What did I think I was doing? On the way home each day after long nights at work, I'd drown my stress in a couple cigarettes, deep breaths of sweet death, just to get home and hide my life in a bowl of pot. Letting the white clouds engulf me in the sparkling mess I didn't want to face. Stripping myself from the crutches was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember following a co-worker all the way to his car for a cigarette, after I vowed to never buy another. After that my resolve was strengthened and I stopped getting high. Little did I know the darkness just layers beneath the skin that clawed itself to Alcohol. In gulps I drowned out my sanity and made way for demons within. I write as if this was the first time, and I wish so badly this was the last. The demon downed a bottled of aderal, trying to finally wipe this disgust from the face of the earth. At the same moment failing completely and letting another demon in. The birth of "Paranoid K.C." My drunken rampage was the beginning of the end. I accused her of cheating losely based on texts I can't remember, forever ending the trust we shared, and losing the security that I would be there for her by trying to kill myself. Those were the moments my acts smeared the hallow ground that was our first home. The place my wife so beautifully asked me to marry her. The hearts still hang in my room. The socks I wore wrapped in the elastic that she wore in her hair still lays hidden. Secret relics to the religion of our past. Three days straight I was awake after swallowing that bottle. The first I lied awake jumping at every sound within our house thinking that someone was breaking in. The second was bad, the cars that drove by were people attacking. The whole world a nightmare. I had a class at work that day, regrettably I attended. I knew full well my eyes were dialated like two endless holes gaping into my black soul. In one long gaze with eyes dramatically pronounced the teacher acknowledged he noticed without alerting the rest of the class. Or was that just, "Paranoid K.C."? I felt such shame. The third night, we drove all night while the imaginary people followed ready to attack us. From that moment on, they stopped giving me the aderal. Thats when I realized the addiction it had become. Picking up the pieces of our life we made best of the waste I had left. We moved again not able to stand the terrible memories I, K.C., had created. We moved and bought a third of my parents house desperate for a third chance. This was our new hope. Our fresh start and it was looking good. We'd well mended from our wounds and the foundations of trust were in the horizon. In flippant disregard to who and what I am, we celebrated our new found haven. The Alcohol poured forth and we partied at our new found luck unaware of what was comming. Two nights in a row I let the demons back again in three bottles of bitter bases. I remember nothing, so Alyssa filled me in. Not only that I hurt Alyssa but was verbally abusive. Yelling and telling her that I never trusted her. Making fresh wounds of old scars. Finalizing her grabbing enough confidence to let me go. She left because I was selfish, and I have to live with that everyday. She says its her fault to, but that's something I can't believe from a faithful wife who stuck with me through all that. I feel like I have brain washed her without either of us knowing. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE!!!!
It's been a long day,all I want to do is to run into your arms and hug you. I need to hold you and let go of the day's weight on my brittle shoulders. I am hoping you missed me and can't wait to be with me too. As soon as I walk into the door your questions start. They cut through my walls and leave me trembling on unsteady legs, my hands protecting my plummeting heart.Who was he? why did he drive me home?
I try to explain but you hear what you want to. You push me further and further away with your hurtful words. I tremble and cower, your harsh blows break the yoke of the world on me. I whimper and beg, It feels so cold out here where you left me when you walked away. I hold the pieces together with my bundle of nerves, frayed at the edges. I am lost.
The floor length mirror
As she threw all her pain at it
It threw back
Cut her skin
The blood reflected
In the pieces
Finally she felt at peace
Laying on the floor
Hoping no one would
Open the door
"No one needs to see
The pain inside of me"
Her anger left her
Like the blood did too
And all she thought about
Was looking at you
She wished you could see
How terrible she could be
It was only an accident
Breaking the mirror
"I didn't really want to go
And now no one will ever know."
No, I was torn naked and bleeding from the mouth of a death star
and woke to find mountains laid bare by the sea.
In the shallows of blood baths and craters, where the crushers of garlic and the harlots all meet
and the stiflers of dreams, dream on (right up my street)
that's where you'll find me.
In the 'Benbow' with pirates and pieces of eight and with cords tied to timepieces
(don't want to be late)
and the show starts at nine
when after drinking two bottles of cheap German wine
Salome appears with a head in her lap
because that's what we do.
(Lost innocents are few and we ain't none of all that)
But the ship sailed at four carrying whalebones to Spain
to tighten the corsets
for those Senoritas
who put me to such shame.
What's in a name that it's spat on the floor
by crimson clad virgins
who won't leave the doorways of bodegas
and Degas paints on.
a song and the night carries me along on a wave of cheap scent
where oft' I have spent a weeks earnings on unsatisfied
In the end someone will send me a typewritten note or a telegram
to let me know just who and what I am
in the 'Benbow' 'til ten and the crows crow at midnight when the lights all go out.
I have often turned within my grave to ponder of the reason why
Upon the date of my birth, you took me to your secret hide
Underneath an aspen tree within the deadest of nights
You took to me like a moth to a ball of flickering light
With the devils own smile plastered upon your face and the slightest of hand
You produced a sanguineous jar of hearts and an ominous jar of black sand
You grasped my hands in your work enured and fairly calloused paws
Looked me in the eyes, and told me to forever leave my pale hands raw
"Never soil your untouched hands, your hands and eyes you shall avert'
"Never bruise, nor ever hurt, nor shall they be ever touched by dirt,
"Never touch a rose, nor touch a bee, as danger is an all you see,
"Close your eyes my little darling, and all of life shall be but a dream."
With the trust of a mothers child, I kept my eyes tightly squeezed
Wished upon the star within the midnight sky, wavering in the breeze
Held my hands up to my chest, hoping the fluttering and staggered slips
Not to be seen by your face within the light of moon as from the sun it dines and sips
Of a heart that had only once been given to me and should have forever stayed mine
But the greed inside all mens' hearts want, and reaches out to grasp a young new 'hind'
With another slight of those calloused hands, you took my life for your own pleasure
And stole what was rightfully derived as mine; a beating heart, you took your leisure
A working mind, once a clock, now fully had come to a skidding stop
You took my bones and my teeth and used them as a fertilizing crop
The very worst thing that you did, you took my pride when you took my skin
Shaved off clean with a diamond edged razor and worn as if you were mockeries twin
Burried underneath that beautiful aspen tree, I've been given the time to remold
But my life had been stolen, the soul forced out before the bells had tolled
In the time it had taken for my pieces to remold, I had realised something then and there;
There were always things that were meant to go untold, but the truth is ringing upon the open air
You wanted more than what was offered and had bitten off all you could chew
But if I'd known back then what I know now, I'd know real good men only come in few