With a rod of iron he ruled.
A cursed teacher.
A bastard king of cruelty.
Only king tyrannical.
And aged dinosaur.
Respect he required.
He cared not.
For egotistical bastard was he.
If you were small in personality.
Your life, he'd make a perfect misery.
In anal expulsion.
His shit would hit the wall.
Along with loaded blackboard rubber.
Papers, they would hit the floor.
As he'd chuck you out the door.
Would chuck his rabid rantings all around the room.
The anally extirpate master of raw doom.
© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)
In retrospect I'd inspect elements that led me to neglect
and I'd tell you you're the best and I'm not perfect
memories I collect of brief moments in secret
Never for the fore, am I cheap or is it my stature you abhor?
I was second in the first place, it left me sore
Sour I grew but I always needed more...
More of you, more of your presence
Searching for myself in you, unfurning your essence
How I enjoyed taking whiffs at your scent
How rich I felt with a few cents
Just near you and your calm excellence
Just to talk to you and say nothing at all
Just that it is you I adore
But I fail to succeed to make you mine
My wits were shy, I should've known it would always be that other guy
I kiss your absence and embrace the thoughts of you... I die. It kills me that even as time flies you cannot rhyme with I
...in this; when I say "I" you should sigh and say: "I am You"
But The demands I cannot provide and so I dive into the sea of opportunity
I calculate the odds of love, I go as an integer hoping for duality
And I find that everybody belongs to everybody but me .. I die.
And live again.
I need you to read the braille
of my body
and tell me
what it means to you.
Because the story
I'm trying to write
is just coming out
and how can there be a purpose to that?
My mother called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD and why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and tease
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed to play
I was always much of the time was alone all day
I lived in a strange house my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
She bought games and toys that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending anytime with me because I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking and she felt angry
She said that her drinking wasn’t my problem and she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit to her or dad doing wrong, everything was always because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls and put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom to empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one and repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would go running down the hall to the toilet bowl to throw up my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to my room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to the dentist, instead he molested me
But no one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
Since I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me for when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat and yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn’t have to bother with me, I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both and had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain weekly for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the days and years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt like I was the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out and put her in to get her GED
Soon she was out within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and acquired no student loan debt
Last may she and I graduated have started a new life and now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
My sister divorced her husband for molesting her children still won't speak to me, told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
"Outside fat snowflakes are falling on slanted roofs"
an end of early times whiskey,
with a name that is too perfect,
is at its last shot,
my last cigarette in hand,
I take my time to enjoy both.
The sun is rising.
My sisters are an hour fifteen late
And I've been shopping for coats so long
That I'm starting to measure the worth of my weight in their wool
I feel your rejection surround me when the XL doesn't fit just right
So I throw it back on the hanger and try not to look at myself in the dressing room light
I sit down on the bench half defeated
I found a grey one I like
Fits me perfect and I look good
Until I turn to the side
But I'll take it cause its classy and nice
I can feel their stares on me as they walk by
So I stop looking at my phone long enough to catch their eye
Let them know their judgement hasn't gone unseen
Cause I can sense what they're thinking
Or maybe call it paranoia
But when your co worker calls you beautiful
And the lady waiting on her paint
Pulls a card out her purse and says, "Beautiful but not healthy. I can help you lose weight"
And you stand there with your mouth gaped
Because this was the icing on top of your shit cake
Cause this week your man cheated on you
But showed no remorse
And a stranger woman saw you
As a product to endorse
And it took fifteen coats
Just to feel alright
After pulling at your fat in the fluorescent light
And the woman picking out the flannel pants
Made you think of last Christmas, placing them in his hands
And the music above your head
Held no holiday cheer
Just another reminder that you're ending this year... alone
And you forget to remember he has a new home
And you spent a split second wondering if he wished he were here
And you know why he doesn't when you look in the mirror
So I pick myself up
With my coat in my arms
Walk behind my sisters having a conversation of their own
I'm mostly invisible but that's the way we've grown
Laugh a few times, lay thick on the charm
Because they don't have time for shit weeks or broken hearts
When somehow holding it together feels a lot like falling apart.
There are parts of our stories that we wish were different
Things we wish we could erase
We get stuck in moments
Over-analyzing our every movement
Trying our hardest to make the memories perfect
Memories turn in to ghosts
That haunt our happiness
And kill our freedom
We try to live in the past
But we can't repeat it
So it never works
And it hurts
Then somehow inside the same story
There is good
There are memories that make us laugh and make us smile
Loving relationships and life changing conversations
Places that we hope to go
And people that we want to meet
Even things as simple as favorite books and songs and films
They are a daily reminder of why we're alive
And we've come to believe that all of it matters
That all of it is significant and
The opposite of small
We've come to believe that you deserve to be around people who make you feel whole
People who laugh and mourn and celebrate with you
People who remind you
You're not alone in this whole big thing called life.
put in your hand and
t u r n t h e k e y)
keepthenightmaresout (dreaming of the things we could do if you were here and we were alone)
givememouthtomouth (dreaming of how you taste and what it sounds like when you m o a n )
ican'tlivewithoutyou (dreaming of the shadows your hair would make on our skin )
takemetoyourhouse (dreaming of the bruises i'd most certainly allow you make on my neck)
take me home (take me away from these people just let me be with you )
you're my faerie queen (you're justlikeanANGEL)
not a queen, a khaleesi
pale and perfect (your skin makes me cry)
and stars (and croon-sing like Amanda Palmer does into her red little ukulele)
don't cut yourself
because you're perfadorableamazingmagical and a million other things
and your blood is precious
(your skin is precious,
you be careful with it
while i wait for you
from far away)
just like your face
and your hair and how you talk to me (how you speak is wonderful even when you get angry about things and swear like a sailor your words sound lovely and your accent is adorable and your voice is perfect i love hearing you speak to me)
about sharja smut fanfics and beautiful finnish people and how you just vaguely say "doing the thing" and dimplegrin at me
because I am usually vague like that
everything I've ever wanted (i've found myself alone alone a l o n e
across a raging sea
it stole the only girl I loved; drowned her deep inside of me)
you're just like a dream
just like a dream
but hey i like writing cute sexy attempts at poetry to keep myself awake in that class.
featuring lyrics from CocoRosie, The Cure, Daughter, and Radiohead, if you look hard enough. i regret that i always have to use other people's lyrics to add to my shit writings.
also additions and revisions only this tired feeling could create
written Nov 8, 2013.
You laid your eyes on me and beamed. Oh gosh I can feel my stomach flutter!
You walked away. I turned away. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me.
Someone is calling someone and suddenly I hear someone calling my name.
That voice, the voice I wanted to hear everyday,
The same voice I dream to have conversations with.
I missed that voice. The voice I used to hear singing me songs.
The voice I used to hear saying my name, sweetly.
That voice that sent shivers through my spine.
The same voice that I hear even when I’m dreaming.
Your voice who told me those two big words, “Trust me.”
I glance back and saw you, nearer. As if you wanted to talk to me.
That hair, your messy hair that goes beyond perfect with your looks.
Those dimples, your five goddamn dimples that will only be visible when you smile.
And yet I’m seeing that smile, as if it was made for me, only for me to see.
Those eyes, those brown smoky eyes that lit up my soul whenever I look at it.
But I instantly pushed those thoughts away. Maybe he’ll going to ask me why I’m here.
“Why are you here?” Watching you. I’m watching you from afar. That’s the truth!
“I just want to talk to her.” To you! It’s you that I want to talk to, always.
⎯ “I need to ask her something.” What’s wrong with my mouth? It says clashing words from what I really wanted to say. It’s like it’s have it’s own life that I can’t control. Or maybe,
I’m just afraid to reveal my feelings in view of the fact that you might not feel the same.
“Oh, I thought you’re wat⎯” you murmur, “never mind. It’s nothing.” You walked away.
And as your body walk off with mine, you brought my heart but never left yours with mine.
Most of the times it confuse me, why are we afraid?
Here we go again… Afraid to say the words worth saying, and not risking anything.
And maybe, I’ll kill that someone who introduce us the phrase, “Prevention is better than cure.”
As it is harder to prevent someone you love, when you know that it’s them who can cure you.
I just don’t know where to start
Its like I love you
But I hate you
I want to be with you
But I know I cant
Yet you’re terrible
You made me so happy
But still wounded me so bad
Why did you do it?
Why’d you end it?
Were you not happy?
Was what I was going through too much for you?
When you were all I had
When you were the only thing keeping me sane
It makes me mad
It makes me sad
It makes me want to scream
How I couldn’t keep
Let me lay in your arms
Let me hear your laugh
Let me feel the way I used to
Just let me be yours
I just wanna go up to you and scream
Let you know how badly
You mutilated my soul
Let you know how
Bruised my heart is
Let you know how
The words you said
Manipulated my mind
I just know looking at you
Ill fall right back into your eyes