3:00 am returned with each rotation of the clock
insomnia far more loyal
then I ever was.
Bed sheets untangled
solitude appeared by the foot of my bed
replacing you with darkness haunting
faint echo of words ignored
trapped on lips
clinging to eye lids
never with a chance to cry
between me and the darkness
that merged in a perfect ratio.
And I'm wise enough to know that whoever said
time heals all wounds
must have been ignorant to the dagger of a love
I couldn't quite return.
And I saw you waiting with flowers
on my front porch every Friday
but my fingers grew restless of accepting the gift
as guilt pounded against my chest.
so I planted my own garden
but each flower still reminded me
of you.
And I'm sorry I'm not any good at making up my mind
or telling the truth
or loving the right people
at the right times
but close your eyes dear
I, like the sleepless nights
will eventually fade.
Struggling in the coldest of rooms. Feeling blue, saddened smiles. Empty. Bloodshot eyes and fractured bones.This is all that's left. Vacant eyes. Black eyes reddened. Everything I touch turns into stone. The whispers in my mind fade away. I kind of feel like, I am meant to be this way. That this loneliness is destiny. This sinking feeling which rushes through my veins , then leaves and trickles down like autumn has met winter and the sun has failed to shine. That the motion of nothing has given more purpose. Fading shadows and life which is breezing through my mind, through dark shadows. How do I cope? When everything goes wrong. Who do I trust? When people do wrong. Longing for purpose but closure is so far away, the hearts of those that are beating are disconnected from the smell of ignorance floating through the air, and consequences of my mind will destruct. I can't focus solely on anything anymore, and I wish I could end everything, every spec of dust which falls over the mountains and rushes down the hills, trickling through the paths of despair. I would end it all. This world has lost all meaning. I have lost track of everything.
His mother abandon him.
Wasn't aware if his father knew of him.
And many questioned, why a child's cried?
He see children's of his age laugh.
But in his eyes you see him depressed.
He pretend to be.
While he far from happy.
And a child cried.
Lingering for his mother's love.
He never knew her.
Mostly made up images of her.
Least when others asked him about her.
And a child cried.
Releasing the hurt he holds inside.
People speculate on his reasons.
Or states he's in need of medication.
But doesn't that says something about all of us.
As a child cried.
While hoping for a life of happiness.
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.
Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.
Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.
But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?
In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.
Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.
So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?
©NDHK
I wonder if people
Realize
how telling me I'm
Strange
is less of an
Insult
and more of a
Compliment
to my odd little
Heart.
©NDHK
people suck, but.... nevermindpeoplesuck
theycluckruckus in the wonderment. they can't trust trust.
they bleak speak. they last week a year from now, but somehow -
know how they don't remember. but they suspect.
and that's a cloud.
bold suns fumble the opaque hail of our hardy Undone.
it shines the less.
we are mammals in the heaven of our ignorance.
but not god's fun.
Welcome to tonight’s show
Allow me to introduce myself.
I go by many names
Some of which, you may know
But those do not need to be mentioned
a howl, a moan, a scream, a summoning
Let’s keep this interesting.
This is the midnight calling
This is the raven cawing
This is the shadow lurking
And the jackals slurping
The demons wailing
While Charon is sailing,
The Acheron
The river
The first
The Eternal song
Of dripping livers
and Thirst
Stop
This is all confusing
And amusing
To some
And many
But to me it is painful
Demeaning
Putrid
Repugnant
Detrimental
Disturbing
And
A subjective simmer of passivity
A pious dose of sheer calamity
Once upon a time
In a land past the desert
Was a neon capped city
Devoid of hope
And shaped by
Casual nihilism
And too much money
A powerful portrait in all its brevity
The display of sweltering people melting against the asphalt
The mucous sunscreen and coarse sand between the toes
And crooked nails
And bleached hair
And coffee stained teeth
And pink nails
And Gucci purses
And Versace dresses
Shutter Shades
Corvettes
$5 lap dances
And promiscuous preteen slaves
To MTV
VH1
Pop sensations
Internet porn
Social networks
Smart phones
Model rock stars
Models
Interviews
Auditions
Mundane seductively
For him
Or she
The nepotistic aficionado
of
Delicious, robust, superb, disdain
Cocaine: Nose Candy
Heroin: Snake venom
After Parties: Gang bang adrenaline
Snuff Film tryouts: Garage studio
LSD: Acid
Plastic: Lips, skins, breasts.
24/7
Hits of E
X-T-C
and
Do you have change for a hundred?
Or a change for a life?
Cites in Dust
Thank Siouxsie and the Banshees; A carnival.
Shout
Tears for Fears, they’re Head over Heels
Love will Tear Us apart
From Joy Division, who claims she’s lost control
Los Angeles
“X”
Exene and Billy Zoom’s Wild Gift.
The perpetual rise of sunset rockers and Neon knights.
Teens crawling through the muck of socialites and incubator nightmares
Civil borders wired by racial slurs and salivating bigotry
Water replaced by blood
Spit interchanged for souls
And fire traded for icy methamphetamine
Warriors and survivors
Poets and dreamers
Shooters and inhalers
Geeks and groupies
Burnouts and Dropouts
Sweet dreams are made of this
Such a show, such a show! Bravo Bravo! Thank you, thanks to all I have time to thank: Martin Sheen, Julius Ceasar, Fender Guitars, Randy Marsh, elbow pads, Chuck Berry, Al Green, X, Joy Division, Tears for Fears, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Less than Zero, Alucard, Humphrey Bogart, Grace Kelly, Daryl Dixon, George Harrison, Brad Pitt, Rooney Mara (Love you), Belstaff, Emma Watson (Love you too), Laure Heriard Dubreuil, Manolo Blahnik, Hannah Murray and Michele Abeles.
So many to mention, so little time. We’ll be back.
wherever you get You from
I saw you first. i wore your worst demise.
a shrewd disguise, the likes of toadstools in a ring of fire.
you're ablaze in my Right Now. you have no future
that a wet kiss can not remedy.
you are in-between
the angles of our descent.
from wherever you're whence... From Whence You Came.
we are strange people.
leaping
from the Brillo pads in the sky
toward the garrulous mundane.
the glorious vice. wherever you get
You From...
I saw saw saw saw saw your Thirst.
i adored the rapturous night night. nightly!
i knew you were wise to your decline, but you lingered...
for Infinity had no End for you, but
your Sanity. And That was forfeit.
when i saw it
gone gone.
and made you less a lasting than a watched ' no more '
you can't save my skin
I am an open book.
Most people choose not to read me.
Some people are frustrated when my
Pages stick together or
The footnotes are too small
But it’s all there
And if you’re hooked from the start
And can’t put me down
To eat
Or sleep
Then I’ll know you really love me
Because you don’t choose to stay
Instead you can’t turn away
And you like it.
Sometimes things seem to good to be true, but it doesn't mean they usually are...
I've gone from having everything to nothing, until 100% turned to 0. I've had an addiction so bad I sold everything until I had nothing , but a DVD starring Robert DeNiro.
I've burnt bridges with almost everyone I know
looking back my path of ash looks like grey and white snow.
Watched people cry, watched people die, If I told you I think they got what they deserved it would be a lie.
I've put needles in my arm trying to erase pain
All it did was kill my pride and usher in shame.
At one point in time when running from the law cause I had commited so much crime, I found myself at a Denny's buying coffee, with nowhere to go, sipping til' the sun came up cause I didn't have another dime.
Never left the cities, but I was off the map for years
my mother tried writing letters, I could barely make out the writing cause the ink was so smeared from her tears
If I was a turtle my shell would have a huge crack
If you met me today, you might say wisdom is something I don't lack
It's only causeI've been to hell and now I'm back
Today my feet are on the ground and things are great
It took being beat, sent to the human pound and almost prison up state
Ten years is the statue of limitations in CA, so for now I'm gonna count my blessin's , close my mouth and keep some confessions. You can look at hard times like bad luck or just take them as one of life's lessons.
Sometimes things seem so bad it makes you wanna quit, but you gotta keep trying and if you really want something, take another stab
reach out and grab it!
If you know the outcome and the consequence of a decision, then it's nobody's fault but yours if you suffer a penalty...
-J.A.M
