you are the pillow i hug
when I sleep at night.
you are the thought that keeps coming on my mind.
you are the music that I used to sing.
you are the best ever among all of these things.
you are the tears that I cry when I am hurt.
Hurt by jealousy, it may sounds absurd.
you are the smile that is painted on my lips.
you are the one who make me dance and move my hips.
you are my sunshine that lights up my life.
my rain that washed away the pain in my life.
i tried to ran away from you.not only once, but more than two
and yet here i am, still stay where I am
I love you babe, with all I am
I remember your smile,
Our long talks in the night.
How even though we were parted by miles,
Somehow it just seemed right.
You made me smile and eased my pain,
So much so I wanted u near.
My desire nearly drove me insane,
We had so much to share.
Yet the distance tore you away,
Now your just a memory.
Oh how I long to say,
Just how much you meant to me.
i wanna go now.my heart is breaking.
i wanna fly now.my hands, are shaking.
i can't move.i can't move.i can't make a single move.
i know, you are not mine.but GOD! i love you so.
i wanna own you.and stay beside you.
but how? tell me, how? so i can smile somehow.
what have you done? what have i done?
why things must be this complicated?
and this, i expected.
but i let me. i let you.i let myself to fall for you.
over and over again.thousand and thousand of times.
four times, i saw your face, in the person of others.
four times, my eyes were deceived, what is that? your power?is it love?
is it my love for you? please set me free. can you?
i know i don't own you, but mutually, you own me.
please, can you just let me be me?i am in pain now, though i smile
i smile, though deep within, i am still hurt. it will kill me.
but better than i am just here, watching you.
I love you. please set me free and please, don't tell me you love me too.
just keep those words.i don't want to hear.
for i know, i will ask for more. and if i do, will you stay with me?
and can you promise, it will only be me
i don't know. i don't wanna know
for you broke my heart once.i now hands up. i now give up.
for i don't know what to expect from you.
i give up now, i give up. i will just continue loving you... away from you.
I got black out drunk at a party and woke up in a room with my pants off and my ex-boyfriend's friend standing over me. I deny ever having recollection of that night to everyone who has confronted me about it. Even to my ex-boyfriend.
I steal pills from my mother who actually needs them. These pills were usually sleeping pills or Xanax. I would take large amounts of them and even chase them with alcohol in hopes of numbing all feelings from my body and hoping I never wake up.
I lie so much to strangers, friends, and family, that my I have convinced myself that my lies are the truth and that these lies will make me a better person in their eyes. In reality, I have no one but myself. And I hate myself.
I stalk my ex-boyfriend on a daily basis. I check his Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter religiously. I also drive 30 minutes to his house just to drive by it and see if his car is parked on the drive way.
I promised my mother that I would never commit suicide. I think about killing myself on a daily basis and secretly hope that someone will just do it for me so I can keep that promise to her.
It takes me an hour to put on makeup because I find myself so repulsive to look at in the mirror that I have to take breaks so I don’t have an anxiety attack and start crying uncontrollably. However, I never leave my room without pounds of make up on my face.
I am failing pretty much all of my college classes and when my father asks me how my grades are, I lie and say that they are fine. He thinks that I am actually trying in the classes, when in reality, I am just trying to survive.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel like I can take on the world. I can go the whole day and convince myself that I am as happy as the people around me. But then I go home to my room at night and fall into a deep depression where I feel like my heart is decaying inside of my chest. I then proceed to hit myself or scratch myself until the pain stops. It does not stop.
I leave my room for long periods of time so my roommate thinks I actually have a life and friends. But I really just take my sisters car and drive it to a mountain and sit there and cry.
One day a random boy who followed me on Instagram and then messaged me on Facebook and we started talking. I did not know him and he lived 45 minutes from me. One day I drove on the highway for my first time ever and went to his house to meet him. We had sex the same day. This continued for about 9 months. I came up with so many excuses of why I was not home so I could see him. We then became boyfriend and girlfriend. I fell in love with this boy. But no one knew about him except a couple of my close friends and sister. We were together for a year and a half. He left me. But I have to hide the fact that I’m broken from my parents because if they know why, I will lose all of their trust since I lied to them and kept him from them for so long. I wish he met them. He was the once secret I never should have kept.
My blood runs hot
Flows easily through my veins
The heat is love
But where there is heat
There is always cold
That cold is hate
My body is made of hate
My blood is made of love
They fight for control
When I talk to her
Love is winning
When I talk to them
Hate is winning
I have no control over them
My heart pumps the love
The world scars the hate
It cuts deep like blade
My hate has endored
so much pain
My love has seeped from my hate
To get to the love
You must cut through the hate
But she reached in the hate
And pulled out the source of the love
She tends to it
From her my hate loses
The love is taking controle
But there will always be a fight
But I'm not worried anymore
I have her
That's the secret weapon
I'm feeling 22.
And yes it's a pretty catchy lyric Taylor Swift.
But I am really feeling 22.
And I am 22.
22 years of living.
Not all 22 years were bliss but for the most part.
I've loved and lost.
Been scarred but also healed.
You learn a lot living 22 years .
Life is calamity & serendipity .
It doesn't make sense.
But that is the ugly truth in a beautiful way.
Every day is calamity in itself but we have to find our serendipity that day.
Life is love .
Life is laughter .
Life is hard times .
Life is pain .
Life is bliss.
And I hope that life gives me many more years to experience so much more.
Im feeling 22.
Are you ?
It is horrible keeping a secret from a loved one as each day passes by,
The depth of the pain runs deeper each time I lie,
As I look into your eyes,
In my head I say, "I Love you and I am sorry."...
I am sorry for the lies that I have to keep spewing to you,
But I know you...I have known you my whole life,
And the facts will cut through your heart like a searing knife.
So I continue to cloud your mind to keep you at ease,
Because it would literally kill me to watch you cry on your knees.
I do it because I love you and you are everything to me.
And I do it because I appreciate everything you have done and given to me.
So I will continue to do things that I know in my heart is not right.
I am not a saint nor a devil, but I will continue to be your bright and shining knight.
I wish there was an easier way to my real life story,
Therefore again I will say, "Mom I love you and I am Sorry."
The Rogue Poet
I see all these beautiful, pretty, perfect girls here.
Writing about lost love and heartbreak.
When I see them..
I wonder who in their right mind would break their hearts.
They write with true pain and sorrow.
And they pray for their knight in shining armor to save them tomorrow.
Some smile in their pictures,
Some hide behind something,
Some hide in their smiles.
They're all diamonds.
Because gold is not enough.
They spend too much time
Watching their heart and dreams get stolen,
Watching their plans get crushed.
Hearing over and over she can't.
Maybe I'm guilty myself
Guilty of taking a life
And pushing and shaping it around
Making the mistake of building myself up so high cause I stupidly believed
it meant taking her and breaking her down.
Maybe it's my time to feel pain.
Maybe it's my time to feel shame.
Maybe that's why I'm alone.
Maybe that's why all I can say is
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
And this is when we
We are our very own
And our depression
Comes from within.
And every second longer
It hurts a little bit more
From your insides.
You feel that familiar ache
In your heart, your sad blood
Pumps it all around your body.
You breathe it in
With each sighing breath
And you cry it out
Until ÿöü gasp for air.
It's the self hate
And it's the loathing,
It's sitting in bed
And not eating at all
Or eating too much.
It's too many imperfections
On your skin
So deep it reaches the inside...
It's no power
And hopeless love
Of a nation
With every word they say
You hear the pain
In our laugh,
You can't see the smile in our eyes.
We are dead and wasted
At the age of youth.
We don't feel the free joy
Or the comfort of strong hands
All we feel is our sick hearts
With something that is
Hate and pity and horror
And everything into one.
It is dangerous.
We the people,
The new people,
The forever youth
With forever words,
And the forever pain.
I'm in pain,
But that's alright.
I'm not giving up,
Not this fight
If I stay,
It'll be just fine,
I will get,
What should be mine.
I'll keep it raw,
Straight from the heart,
Like I always have,
Right from the start
But not so tart,
I taste on my lips,
Each time we part.
I feel it rise,
Deep in my chest,
And I hope,
That It's for the best.
So I take a drag,
And then I give it up,
I blow it to the wind,
As I hope for some luck.