I've been drinking about you a lot lately
Call me a thinkaholic
Avoiding you or the pain
Seems all the same
Drowning in thoughts
Safe once I'm asleep
Blackness replaces dreams
Finally feeling sane
That forced love
A meaningless kiss
Not push to shove
It's fading bliss
Bound to happen
Love without attraction
Liking the distractions
I turn my cheek from you
But you're still falling
I'm just stalling
Withdrawing that pain
For its me to blame
Pulling for love
That's no longer there
The empty stare
Thinking of what's next
My sanity or your happiness
Praying for the past to be the present
To you my reasons weren't relevant
Those rusting emotions
Bound to happen
There for a second
Kisses becoming meaningless
Waiting for my torn heart to mend seamless
But I already moved on
It's so late again.
That time where thoughts won't lie still.
I won't ask you to tell me.
I'm not sure I'd even know the answer myself.
I think though, that I've waited long enough.
Being a spontaneous person that's an achievement.
But I like to think it's worth it.
Not sure if it's a lesson yet learned.
But the reason why.
That's what haunts me.
I'd just like to know.
I can't ask you though.
I'm not sure you could answer if you tried.
Maybe it wouldn't be fair to you.
But what's fair to me?
Keeping distance because you don't want inflict pain.
Or fear maybe.
Pretending was never a skill I excelled with.
I think I'd just like to start on the first page is all.
Take that step forward into new.
Am I asking too much?
I promise you what I have to give would be so much more.
Or should I give up?
Let be and walk away.
Take a chance that you'd come find me when you're ready.
I'm just stuck here.
Stuck with thoughts.
Like thoughts of what could be.
But what do I know?
It's not as if I'd ask you.
Cause it's my heart you could break.
Oh my darling with your milk chocolate eyes,
and a grin of naught but fox-like delight.
How I admit my love, which you despise
Regardless of reason, this earthen brow fights.
A licorice waterfall cascades down
onto two platforms of beauty and mirth.
Existence grows with this pain as your crown.
How can such enchantment be of this earth?
Oh I’d wish all but you a shallow death,
as I weep for sweet, dear…
Step #1: Purchase new eyeballs.
Take the ones you have right now
out of their sockets.
Replace them with new ones that have
not seen the pain you’ve witnessed
so that they don’t form inquisitive looks
when you notice something you don’t like.
Replace them with ones that have not
yet cried all the tears you have cried before.
Replace them with ones that glisten
when spoken to - ones that don’t carry sadness.
Step #2: Create a new smile.
Smooth out the laugh lines around them
so that the world doesn’t know that they
carry the weight of the many smiles you’ve managed to fake.
Rearrange the smile you have
so that they do not drop in the edges
when you are sad.
Make sure that your new smile is not
crooked so that people will not question it.
Step #3: Get rid of your vocal chords.
Tie your vocal chords in a knot.
Double knot it, triple knot it, done.
Make sure that no matter how hard
you try, you cannot untangle them.
This will ensure that you don’t ruin
everything by professing exactly
how you feel about the situation.
Everyone will think you’re up for everything.
Everyone will think that you are great.
Step #4: Don’t keep your heart.
Rip your heart out of your chest.
You don’t need it to feel emotions.
You don’t need it to pump blood
to your cheeks when you’re embarrassed
or to give you away with its rapid beating.
You don’t need it to keep you here.
You do not need it anymore.
days are spinning by and i think this is what remission feels like
i wish i could write
but this is all that i feel.
constantly losing battles is so hard
we play a losing game
i long for the person i used to be
or is this the person i’ve always been?
hold flowers between your fingers and think long and hard about something
something that you want real real real bad
maybe it’ll come true
so full of pain trying to be subtle i should be bleeding
word choice alone
should have given you a clue
and the consistent undertone of raw pure unadulterated angst and bitter humor
that isn’t funny at all.
Adventures In Good Deeds
i helped pick up the trash and i thought about volunteering at a soup kitchen
if only i could find the on switch
5 Hour Energy .
am i decent enough for one word biographies?
do i hold enough presence for silence?
can i afford to not begin my sentences with sorry?
i am barley a person
just a body with good organs
and no license to complain
“ma’am kindly shut the fuck up no one cares.”
that’s what they’ll say to me i’m sure
the thought police
who hate me and i don’t feel anything towards them
because i am nothing but apathy and stupidity
i don’t deserve anything
not joy or bad i don’t deserve either
not because i’m neutral but because i’ve never done anything to feel anything
not that i am undeserving of feeling the bad things
but there has been nothing in my existence to make me feel
spoiled brat woes and hearts sealed with classical silver duct tape
maybe a dash of pepper on a delicious meal that had no need for pepper
on the dot
sunday’s for church where the atheist goes because he fears and dreams
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything,
I don’t take pride in some of the history I bring.
The past can never be undone - that I know.
In my vulnerabilities, I unearthed opportunities so I can grow.
Pain is a pesky part of being human,
Mysteriously embalmed in a gob of trials and afflictions.
With vultures and thieves at my back,
I do lament over some fates I was unwilling to accept.
Then again, mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom,
It builds you to be that better person.
A diamond doesn’t start out polished and shining,
Do have faith in happy endings and silver linings.
So weep not for the daft blunders and forlorn memories,
We are all in this world by a greater decree.
Find hopes in every falls, every scars.
They're hidden quietly in the music of the wind, amidst the beauty of the stars.
but her thighs told me otherwise.
a mask over her demeanor
so no one could realize,
the pain she bestowed
when drowning under water...
her eyes were timed like an
hourglass waiting for time to un-wine
her eyes told a story of grief,
disbelief, and that she needed some relief,
the darkness her eyes beheld,
were like the dark side of the moon.
she never cried, kept a smile on her face,
no one ever knew the secrets she consumed
her wrist had scars,
as deep as the ocean
the blood was running like
the water of a thousand potions.
i can admit i miss your presence,
your beautiful smile,
and how your aura glowed in the darkness.
i wish you never committed suicide that summer morning...
Tell me how to hold you
Tell me how to care
Please, confide in me
Your secrets wont you share?
Don't just walk away
I can see the pain in your eyes
Don't say you're okay
Stop feeding me lies
I see the way they treat you
You walk with your head hung low
You're sweating and you're shaking
You think I don't know?
I want to stop the hurting
I want to end your grief
You're not worthless
Trust in my belief
Your smile dazzles in any lighting
You're always gentle with your touch
You're amazing to me
I hope that's not too much
I want to make you happy
I want to make you dance
I want you to live
And this may be my last chance
Sing with me to the heavens
Let's close our eyes with prayer
And when I wake up tomorrow
I really hope you're there
We kiss and it's rough-- I like it, you see.
It reminds me that all the pain inside
Isn't as bad as I make it seem.
It reminds me I'm still alive, still breathing, you know?
That though my mind is in auto pilot,
My body still lives on.
I just wish I didn't like it so much, then maybe I could stop,
But that something stirring inside me head screams,
"No! You can't quit our drug!"
And you are my drug-- that's exactly what this is.
I've come to crave you like an addict
Does his next fix.
When I'm on you my thoughts are clouded, wrong.
It feels as though I'm flying high--
But only for so long.
Then the high slips away and suddenly I'm free falling.
No parachute, spiralling down--
It's your name I'm calling.
But no one ever said your addictions answer back.
Instead they sit smug and smiling,
Plotting their next attack.