It's a long walk,
the way that women are,
and I've already lost miles
to the races.
Try appealing to a youthful
star, have 'em throw money
to the wayside.
I was howlin'
like some horrid wind.
I was prowlin',
sick of the shit I was sittin' in.
I was a wizard,
I was a blizzard
through your front door.
I try, I try,
I try, I try,
now put me on trial,
you can't fake style!
It's not a mask,
and it's not just a past
but something more.
And I'll be able to tell
just what that is
as soon as I
The above my brow
The ones that we
the delicacies that
you spit at me,
you spit them from your
look at what you've done!
Why so profound?
just act petty,
don't stop me.
Why so profound?
just be pretty instead,
demographics don't stop me.
When he was away
I sent him picture messages
Of me holding signs
He was the only one for me.
That our love was endless.
That one day, we’d have the house, the dog, the stocked wine fridge.
And I doubted it was true
Even as I wrote them.
But it was the fantasy to believe in
That he and I,
Two world-class fuck ups
In our own rights
Fuck this one up.
What once was joy and laughter
And holding hands on public streets
And feeling validated from when he would call me sexy
Lying on bedroom floors
Sobbing to the carpet
Heaving for breath
Wondering how it ever came to this.
I love to hate him.
The scars you see
Are ones he gave me
As I experienced the worst of
We allowed ourselves disillusion
When reality became too tough
When hands that were holding
Felt like squeezing
When air we were breathing
When love we were feeling
I thought about all those signs today
Those signs I put in the “his” box
That he collected when I wasn’t there
Because I didn’t want to see him
And I wonder what he did with them.
If he threw them away
Like he did with us
Or if he has them still
And wants to be reminded
That he still fucks everything up.
I write such pretty words
About the ones I've sort of loved
I used to think I'd be like Joni Mitchell
And love all the beautiful men
With their beautiful voices
And their beautiful souls
I've gotta get me a singer in the park, dancer in the dark
A dirty word thief to mirror my own heart
Funny how life goes exactly how you don't plan it
(and spaceships hang in the sky exactly how bricks don't)
Or if you were prepared for that
It will go according to plan but taste like splenda
Me, I'm riding steady on the latter
Sometimes getting sadder
And barring that time when I was sixteen
All the loving never felt like love
Not all the way
I don't mean to degrade those salty days
I've got a headful of memories that I'd never trade
I don't know what I'm thinking when I say the love I make could be better
Maybe because I've never been made stupid, never really been played
Which is to say that I've never actually gone all the way
Never settled or sacrificed anything I couldn't get back
Most of me is always tucked away
Escaping only in blinding bursts that leave everyone involved a little scared
I don't remember how to temper myself
In relation to anyone else
But I remember every time I've realized that something wasn't what I wanted
I'm damn good at falling out of it
And writing lots of stupid poems about it
I've watched too many people rip each other apart with it
Felt it start to rip at me
Of course I'll never let that happen
I'm the first to advocate divorce
But some days I get really worried that I'm not capable of anything more
It's not that I'm broken
I just have really,
Maybe I'm lying, scared and selfish
Going against my own mind
I know I've felt bliss
Once I felt infinite
But that was a different me, all soft and made of clay
This me, pushing out these particular words, well
I've never been in love
I'm always a little bit in love
We never promise forever and always
but we're always planning for the future
because that's all we can do
to keep us sane
and I feel just a little bit crazy for
thinking about you
and everything we're going to do
all the little moments
and the big ones too.
the gods told me
that while we lay last night
they wound a tiny red ribbon
around our little fingers
a ceaseless pinky promise
stitched into the fabric of our skin
to be tangled and stretched
but never severed
snaking through stars and satellites
for the destined ones
to seek each other
calamity after calamity
tonight our worlds have separated
by time, place and circumstance
but we will meet again
when our shadows find their way out of the dark
Sure goes smooth
Sure does not feel as reckless as it really is
Sure goes fast
Sure can’t take you fast enough
Past these fields and cities, images
That fade in and out of the window’s view like a wafer melts away on your tongue.
Can’t look too closely or you’ll make yourself sick with the speed
Would be better if the train was so fast everything was a blur instead of pictures going by
Like being immersed in the ocean or careening around in the sky.
It feels like a secret
Your favorite secrets, the kind no one tells you and the kind
No one knows
But you who learned them, the ones
Not whispered between cupped fingers,
But seen from in hiding, without acknowledgement.
This late night train
It runs past windows and shakes the legs of bridges
And only a few were awake to see it speed by
Maybe saw your face on the other side of the glass
And thought about this face they would never again know.
There’s a runaway on it
Who looks out the windows and listens to the still air in the car and
With a somber optimism
Tosses to the racing pictures that hound the windows, hungry,
A name and all the strings attached to it.
Love is a perfect gift
For pure and precious hearts
Delicate and tender love
To be cherished …to be cared for..
Now and forever….
Uncountable…. un measurable love is
How deep… how high.. How strong
Do you know?
Unexplainable love is sometimes
A mere thought of someone
brings tears to the eyes..
An image of your loved ones
Brightens up your day
Vivid moments together
Are reflected upon your smiles..
Endless love… endless smiles..
Endless agony…endless pain..
Love is bitter but same time its sweet…
Isn’t love is so queer?
How clever love conquers..
Your brain, your mind,
your body and soul…
Love is tireless, never ending…
Fantastic feelings...in love..
Sometimes You cry but in your heart you smiles..
So often you smiles..same time your heart cries...
See.. how wonderful yet manipulative love is?
A thousand miles is shared…
By just one love… one desire…
My love may not be perfect dear...
But I have Tears in my eyes,
you on my mind,
love in my heart
ocean in between…. can it stop me?
Can it stop you?
from saying….I LOVE YOU?
The hallway seemed to sway with the motion of the tears filling my eyes. I tried to keep going to get to the door, but I collapsed there in the hall. The weight crashing down on me. She was dead. My only love was dead. I’d been with her for six years and we’d been waiting to get married. That was all over now. They had killed her. I laid my head in my hands and let it all go. I fell spiraling down into the darkness at the edge of my consciousness. My very last thoughts echoing in my head as I slipped into this grief coma, they would all pay, they would pay.
The clock on the wall ticked loudly as I made my way to Mr. Jefferson’s office. The hallways were empty, an unusual thing for a Monday morning in a business firm. I tried not to let it get in my head. I had a job to fulfill. If I didn't get this one right the boss would surely wring my neck. She wasn't the most understanding person, and tolerated no mistakes. A dark cherry wood door lay at the end of the long hallway with a silver plate spelling out Mr. Jefferson’s office. All the other doors I had passed had, had similar ones.
I knocked on the door quietly waiting for an invitation inside. I took a deep breath and steady myself. Telling myself I had to do this. There was still no beckoning to come in so I knocked louder, but was only greeted by silence. I opened the door quickly and peered in. Mr. Jefferson laid slumped over his paper work in the messy piles on his desk.
A bullet through his head. Well this was just great now the boss had another reason to chew me out. I closed the door quietly and made my way to the body. Blood spilled from the back of his head and off his shoulders dripping into the puddle on the floor. I took my phone from my pants pocket and called Leo.
“Hey, Leo we got a problem, Jefferson’s already dead. They’re a step ahead of us. What’s my next move?” the line was silent for a minute until he replied, “what was the cause of death?” I looked at the back of Jefferson’s head one more time to make sure that was no other abrasions. “Bullet wound in the back of his head, no sign of struggle either.”
“Alright, I’ll inform the boss. You should probably make your way back to the headquarters. I can tell you now the boss isn't going to be happy.” I sighed I already new that. The bitch had been riding my ass all month now. It wouldn't hurt her to give us all a break once in a while. I closed my phone. I made my way out the door. No doubt someone else would find Jefferson and would immediately go for the video tapes.
Luckily I didn't come here alone, I brought my computer genius along, that could erase us from every tape and cover his tracks. I gave a polite smile to each person I passed and had to fight to walk calm and smoothly out the front doors. Brain already waited inside the car looking anxious. We were both fairly new to the working in the field. Usually the boss assigned me on small assignments. I got inside the drivers side and pulled out right away. “Jefferson was already dead when I got there, bullet wound to the back of the head, what I don’t understand is how no one heard it, or why he didn't struggle,” I told Brian. “Maybe a silencer on the gun? And perhaps his lack of struggle was because there was a gun pointed at his head?” I thought it over. It was possible but that was different from all the others. “They usually cover their tracks better than that though,” I looked over at Brain whose face was crinkled by his deep thoughts. “Maybe they were in a rush?” The wound had looked freshly made. “Perhaps,” I said still mulling it over. “I suppose we’ll just have to wait for the police reports.”
As I had figured Liana was furious. “How is it that four out of seven of the people I've told you to get information from then take out have ended up already dead when you got there?” She spit angrily in my face. Liana was a scary lady but she didn't scare me.
“I don’t know you tell me,” I said and smiled at her. I could feel the audience behind me stop what they were doing and cringe. “Do you think this is funny?” Liana said quietly.
Her face had gone rigid and her fist clenched so tightly at her sides, the knuckles had turned a ghostly white.
I knew which battles to fight and which to surrender. “No, nothing is funny,” I spat out clenching my jaw. I really hated this stupid job. If it wasn't for Liana keeping my brother alive I wouldn't be here. And just as I thought it Liana cheerfully reminded me, “do remember darling, your brothers life lies in my hands. One wrong move and it’s bye bye brother, understood?” Her dark eye’s drilling into mine. The feeling of hatred seeped from my body as it was overflowing inside me now. “Understood,” I growled.
“Good, now get out. I’ll call you when I have your next assignment.” She turned but stopped to look back,
“ and next time do not mess up,” then walked back into her office slamming the door.
I let the breath I had been holding out and left quickly before they all burned holes into me with their heavy glares. I made my way to Kyle’s room. The walls were painted dark blue with small silver stars painted all over. I had painted it for him, he loved the stars. “Kyle?” I said shakily looking down at the boy. His tiny body shaking in pain. He wouldn't eat. The vomiting broke his bones sometimes. His bones stuck through his skin like his skin had only been draped over his frail bones. The tears flowed from my eye’s and down my face. He was only fifteen.
He was so sick, I just wanted him to be okay. Healthy again. The reason I’d signed up to join this place was because they promised to save him. They said as soon as I finished the biggest assignment they would heal him. But I grew more and more doubtful.
Kyle had been infected, by the scientist. A super parasite they’d created. It caused brain disorders, like anorexia. Kyle’s brain was being attacked making him suicidal and making him believe he was anorexic. Making him believe he had to do these things. When it first started he was only depressed. He began cutting himself. When I saw the deep cuts in his arms and on his stomach I asked him about it and his answer had been, “I didn't want to do I just had to“ . At the time I’d misunderstood him.
Now I knew. He literally had been forced by the parasites inside his brain.
His eye’s were closed and I could see the struggle it took for him to intake each breath. His arms, thin ropes, laid at his side. It took a massive amount of energy and strength for him to even turn his head. “I will fix this Kyle, believe in me when I tell you that, I love you.” I kissed his cold forehead and left shutting the door slowly.
I looked over and there it was
Your hair clip
One of those big ones you use
To flop your hair up on your head
I love the way you do that
Natural, a little messy
I'm fun, I'm carefree, why take myself so seriously?
Such a nice contrast to me.
I miss you.
One day i felt, that i've accepted the request,
request of sharing, caring and that i need to connect,
it's not just any connect, like that one on the internet,
it's a request of a big event, from the east to the west,
we're just like the stars in the skies,
some of us are beginning and some of us are dying,
ones are winning and the others are learning,
i'm just really really happy though,
i don't care about tomorrow,
that's how i live without any sorrow,
and i don't live under regrets,
the answer is not by smoking a cigarette,
we're stuck in repeating the alphabet, to be honest,
like a shooting rocket, lost in darkness, not promised,
most of us should stop being dishonest,
that we are the largest, generation of the artists,
we have been blessed,
i just wish we all will end up,
in a relationship like the one between me and my bed,
and if you get misunderstood,
don't be upset, just forget,
and deal with the new set,
you're the best version of yourself, yet,
just do a duet with the old and the new you,
you'll sweat, forget and maybe will even melt,
you need to accept, and suggest,
support yourself one hundred perfect,
respect, and stop being against,
and believe that you are best of the best,
just remind yourself you're imperfectly perfect,
and it's not a threat, you are a result,
of what and who you'll collect,
you are the target,
and the target is you,
If you look in the face of evil,
evil's gonna look right back at you!
- Layth Awwad