Where did the old me go?
The one who didn't cry every night?
The one who never disappointed anyone.
The one who loved everything.
The one who always had a smile?

Everything morning when I open my eyes,
I worry about what's going on?
How am I going to smile,
With the pain I have.

When I look in the mirror.
I see pain.
When I look at my wrist,
I see scares.

No one really see 's my pain.
On one ask where my scares came from.
No one cares.
I'm standing knee deep in pain.

He cast's a long shadow
in the cool morning sun
striding with purpose
the job must be done

Out by the woodshed
quietly does he
make his presence known
by whistling softly

For many years now
he loved what he seen
the good and the bad
and all in between

Over the years
the joy's drained away
making this job seem
harder each day

Dirty long hours
spent oh silently
crouched in the shadow
of the old growth  trees

Waiting for a sign
surely there will be
another visitation
patience is the key

He prepares himself
so stolidly does he
for the visitors
he must receive

Scare them away
any way that he can
keep the homes safe
from raiders of the land

Invaders without conscience
intent on the feed
no malice intended
but will not concede

The problem arose
because of what we
thought was a kind thing
was not to be

Disrupting the law
that nature provides
giving courage to those
by feeding their kind

Soon there becomes
no other way
to deal with the problem
the beast must be slain

So wearily the man
slowly does raise
rifle to shoulder
then he does pray

Pray that his aim's true
quick it will be
no pain for the critter
whatever it may be

Woe be to him
now he sit's silently
crying so softly
alone in the trees

Maybe I should rust out my cords and smile in their disrepair
Chalky, stringy, red and muddy
Old and worn from fights and stories that were never there
Maybe I should pull out my nails
Pink, cut, unkempt and bloody
And smile at bare finger tips free of hair
Maybe I could rip out my eyes
Blue, green reminiscent of Hitler; of blonde hair
Never to see a life that wasn’t composed entirely of lies
Maybe I should crack open my skull and take a reach in there
Reach in, hairless fingers nabbing at a pinky cerebrum
Take out the illusion of having control (as if it was ever in attendance)
Maybe I could cut out all the things I never needed in life
My head hollow and light
My throat hoarse and voiceless
My fingers numb with shields missing
My sockets devoid of jelly
I can finally think, feel, and see 20/20

What a useless pit my stomach is and meaningless behavior to spoon feed these tired bones to chew, to taste, to swallow. I will take it in when the chest's un-clenched and I'm not moments from tasting bile again. Such a perfect soul, she could feed my will. Should I just choose to sit and stare, Or if a fit of courage broke, to ask her if her days been fair.
I am just a common spook. The locals ignore the spirit walking. He is just a harmless ghost. Don't pay attention to his haunting. He's a partial dead, a nearly headless Nick. Waiting for his final blow and for the moment that his peace will show. He doesn't shake the entire time, in fact I often see him crying. Sobbing gently out of reach in the rafters where he's flying. One time I saw him on the roof, as if planning his suicidal jump. I felt I had to let him know, he had no heart that pumps. He closed his eyes and stepped away, hanging in the air. Scaring all the shoppers away in violent cries while we just stood and stared. Only one old gentleman, with gentle eyes and a baritone with soul. Who seemed to try and calm the little guy with the comfort of the old. After that an ambitious youth said, "for a price I can chase the demon out of town." Curious what the boy would try I paid him to try to get him down. He tied a dream catcher to a rope and gave it one big swing, caught the fellow by the kneck then drove him through the streets. I still don't know if he let him go or if the ghost broke free. That is why the soul you see, looks like mangled meat.

The paint on the walls have started to melt
dragging all the the colors I painted, down.
Drooping like my body in this heat.
The weatherman informs me of no change anytime soon.
As the summer creeps up from behind
and kisses my winter body.
Leaving me in a shock of goosebumps.
This feels so un natural
in the heat you made me feel.

My heart jumped at the sound of your voice
and flew at the hope of your sight.
Now it falls like an anchor entering the sea
hitting harder than the sand ever felt.
Everything jumped down
hoping to catch it.

We danced to many serenades
in the colorful ballroom of day dreams.
The queen of the night, you are.

Now the old wallpaper screeches
with high pitched misguides.
I had no intention of them revealing themselves so soon.

Based on a thought
will be the death of me.

Take my hand and come with me.
My sun could light your storm
and your storm would cool my sun.

he is well aware others don't approve
& he only hides it because of this
it certainly doesn't affect him
I've seen
in the empty, greedy eyes
the proud look
of what his old plaything
grew up
  --oh, did she ever grow up--
to be
checking me out
when he thinks
I can't see
& sometimes
when he knows
I can.

I saw you driving in your car today,
I know it's been hard for me to say goodbye,
But it was good to see your beautiful face,
I also want you to know I'm finally moving on.
You muttered something under your breath,
But I couldn't read your face.
Please learn to forgive me,
and let go of any hate.
I wish you the best.
I wish you so many things.
I'm sorry I was so hurt.
And spoiled precious memories with a tainted taste.
I will always cherish all the memories you gave.
You were selfless for so long,
And put off searching for your fate.
Time passes and things get easier to say.
I'm understanding better,
All the reasons you couldn't stay.
Happiness will be found,
In stars, in streets,
In rain, and beach.
You'll find love again and again,
And you'll be stronger every time.
Waking every morning,
With your future on your mind.
I hope pleasures come,
Enough to make you scream.
I hope your energy will come,
Enough to make you dream.
I'm excited to see what women you'll grow to be.
Now, tomorrow, in 20 to 50 years.
I want to know how the lines on your face grow old,
After the things that they will bare.
I am excited to hear of exciting news,
Coming from your wonderful world.
You're ready for it all.
You're taking it all in.
You're better off,
then you've ever been.
I want to know to the men you marry.
If they should work or fade.
I want to see pictures of your children,
When you have them oneday.
I've said and done things that I regret.
Please forgive me on your own time.
So that I can be a part of your life again.
I was blinded by pain, by misery, and by anger.
This is the one month aniversary of the day that you left.
I called you names, I lied, and howled.
I grew crazy by so many thoughts.
I needed time, and still need time.
To calm myself and thoughts.
We talked about taking time,
Waiting to move.
I took that as a promise.
I know that I was wrong.
You're body is yours.
It's none of my business,
and will never be again.
I just need to drop it.
Forgive myself for those sins.
I love you, and part of me always will.
You're so much further ahead of me,
Dealing with how this marriage ended.
I'm trying to recover.
I'm sorry I couldn't do it quicker.

is it just me or do I get worse and worse.

These fettered motions are weak displays for persistent dreams under half hearted constraints. I fault for wishes despite obvious claims. Declarations and freedom praise. The cold is constant to bitter bones. Frost covering the mirrors and all the tile stones. I sing for summer in a sombre tone. I draw a stick figure portrait of my self in the frozen dew. Losing the moment just for a few. A sun, a flower, and a smile in rememberance of you. You're dead, your body ashes in the pyre. I watched your soul stripped of flesh licked to pieces by the fire. Now I lose myself in honest work til my will and body expires. The air stirs bites of life to my soul. I'M ALIVE AND LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. The tortures faint while I grow old. The tortures faint as I grow old.

After looking back on the last few years with depth and hind sight. I've realized that I never really took a look at myself and what I was doing to the people around me. The selfish glut is over and the stark reality of the bed I've made is terrifying. I'm slashed deep and wide and my emotions are flowing out and my most guarded feelings are being shared with complete strangers. I've begin to cry infront of far too many people. I met a man today who's wife just left him also and in one look we shared the shame of what we've done to those we adored the most. We fought back tears in control of our composer tripping slightly at the raw we couldn't hide. The insight I refused to use could of saved me the love of my life. Instead I hid in our time of need the emotions I felt because I lost a child and couldn't deal with the consequences that my actions brought me. I realize now that I hid my real self from that moment on. The fears and sarrow that I had felt before were paled by light pulled to the depths of this black hole in my heart. I tore myself apart and threw the vulnerable parts to the bottom of my soul. Inadvertently cutting off myself emotionally from everyone around me. I weep at the relationships I missed out on. I just swallowed my aderals and drowned myself in work. Telling myself that success at my job is what my wife needed. More pay, more things, more happiness. The whole time I was snubbing those around me in brash strokes. I look back on a version of myself as a scout tilling and planting a yard for an old lady and compare that to a man who wouldn't open the door for his wife. What did I think I was doing? On the way home each day after long nights at work, I'd drown my stress in a couple cigarettes, deep breaths of sweet death, just to get home and hide my life in a bowl of pot. Letting the white clouds engulf me in the sparkling mess I didn't want to face. Stripping myself from the crutches was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I remember following a co-worker all the way to his car for a cigarette, after I vowed to never buy another. After that my resolve was strengthened and I stopped getting high. Little did I know the darkness just layers beneath the skin that clawed itself to Alcohol. In gulps I drowned out my sanity and made way for demons within. I write as if this was the first time, and I wish so badly this was the last. The demon downed a bottled of aderal, trying to finally wipe this disgust from the face of the earth. At the same moment failing completely and letting another demon in. The birth of "Paranoid K.C." My drunken rampage was the beginning of the end. I accused her of cheating losely based on texts I can't remember, forever ending the trust we shared, and losing the security that I would be there for her by trying to kill myself. Those were the moments my acts smeared the hallow ground that was our first home. The place my wife so beautifully asked me to marry her. The hearts still hang in my room. The socks I wore wrapped in the elastic that she wore in her hair still lays hidden. Secret relics to the religion of our past. Three days straight I was awake after swallowing that bottle. The first I lied awake jumping at every sound within our house thinking that someone was breaking in. The second was bad, the cars that drove by were people attacking. The whole world a nightmare. I had a class at work that day, regrettably I attended. I knew full well my eyes were dialated like two endless holes gaping into my black soul. In one long gaze with eyes dramatically pronounced the teacher acknowledged he noticed without alerting the rest of the class. Or was that just, "Paranoid K.C."? I felt such shame. The third night, we drove all night while the imaginary people followed ready to attack us. From that moment on, they stopped giving me the aderal. Thats when I realized the addiction it had become. Picking up the pieces of our life we made best of the waste I had left. We moved again not able to stand the terrible memories I, K.C., had created. We moved and bought a third of my parents house desperate for a third chance. This was our new hope. Our fresh start and it was looking good. We'd well mended from our wounds and the foundations of trust were in the horizon. In flippant disregard to who and what I am, we celebrated our new found haven. The Alcohol poured forth and we partied at our new found luck unaware of what was comming. Two nights in a row I let the demons back again in three bottles of bitter bases. I remember nothing, so Alyssa filled me in. Not only that I hurt Alyssa but was verbally abusive. Yelling and telling her that I never trusted her. Making fresh wounds of old scars. Finalizing her grabbing enough confidence to let me go. She left because I was selfish, and I have to live with that everyday. She says its her fault to, but that's something I can't believe from a faithful wife who stuck with me through all that. I feel like I have brain washed her without either of us knowing. LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE!!!!