Impossible to say yes.
Impossible to say no,
or okay I admit.
Or even - why not forget.
Impossible to think, feel,
understand, negotiate or haggle.
Aporia is a philosophical term
few people know how to deal with.
Do not believe someone
When they say you're okay.
Because you know you're not
and they are only telling you
what you want to hear
so you'll leave them alone
and they can go on with saving themselves.
Do not believe the song
That tells of things getting better.
Because it won't,
It's only there
to be bought from record stored
along with the others
that offer temporary relief.
Tomorrow you'll be sad again.
Do not believe yourself
when you feel cold.
Coldness is non existence.
There is only an absence of warmth.
But believe me when I say
That I am here and I love you;
That not everybody hates you.
Because there is no such thing as hate,
There is only absence of love.
I'm beginning to fade
from your memory
and I don't think
I have a problem
I believed in us,
which was my mistake.
because I learned from it.
Never Again will I say
I love you to someone who
can break my heart into little
sharp and skinny pieces.
N E V E R A G A I N .
I need to draw a picture of what my life will look like if I don't become a doctor so I can see what failure looks like as if I don't see that every time I look in the mirror
All I want is to help people and thats why I shove my face inside chemistry books trying to make myself understand things that I've never been able to understand
Here I am rocking in a rocking chair that isn't moving because I don't know how to make it rock I'm just moving myself
I've always looked in the mirror and hated what I saw but then I looked deeper into the eyes of that person that is me and saw a picture of my future
I wanted to help people
I want to help people
but first I need to help me
OKAY SO I THOUGHT I WAS SMART, YOU KNOW?
so what if I'm not so good at math well that's all there is in chemistry
I need to draw a picture of what failure looks like but I've never really been so good at plotting images across a canvass all I can really do is translate words
I want I need to be a doctor because helping people is my dream
I need to draw a picture of what failure looks like that's why I'm writing this so I can look back and see
So I can read
This is what failure looks like, here see
Look in the mirror you aren't what you wanted to be
Read your words and see
You aren't so good with words either so why do you keep trying
I looked into my eyes and saw the future but now I can't bare to even try to see anything
I'm just writing I'm still writing and I should've stopped a while ago but here I'll stop now I mean
Here this is what failure looks like so
Look in my eyes and see
Waiting on this girl who cant decide.
She gives you mixed signals
Because she displays the signals inside.
Her heart tells her one thing
But her mind says another
She loves you
And you know that
But she cant decide how much.
She wants to hold your hand
And sometimes she'll look at you
With this look
You dont know
She wants you to kiss her
She knows you want to,
You've told her.
But she hasn't told you.
She plays off hard to get
Because she wont give you the okay
She just needs you to kiss her
Out of the blue.
She likes the same bands as you
The same hobbies and obsessions
The same love for food and music and art
Your hearts and minds
They scream at the both of you
she tunes out her heart
And listens to her mind
As you tune out your mind
And listen to your heart
You ask her
Over and over
If she'll be your girl
She always says no
Her heart says yes
So just kiss her
So her heart will drown out her mind
Because her mind only confuses her.
Her own emotions are her worst enemy.
So just kiss me,
Out of the Blue.
At the moment
You feels like you've lost your friends
Without a reason
Without any words
Without goodbye wish
Then you see they're happy without you
They can stand on their shoe without holding you
And you feels just like "It's okay. I'm happy for you"
Because you always put someone else's happiness, their happiness
Over your own
And always keep praying
They'll more happier
my street has been
dark for a while, but
now that there are
lights on every porch,
this neighborhood feels
a lot less empty
and i've been thinking that
maybe it'd be okay now
for you to come
"I can see the life in you."
"It sort of leaks out of places."
Charlotte raises an eyebrow.
Okay, how so?"
Paul clears his throat.
"So you know how people like to
associate love with red, the color?"
"I guess so."
"Well, you just, like, glow red."
"That's called blushing. People do that, you know,
when they're embarrassed."
"No, this is different. It's not on your face."
"Where am I red?"
Paul looks at Charlotte.
He sees her large nose and her pigeon feet
And her brown hair everywhere
And her crooked teeth.
He sees the sunset from the week before on the Oregon coast in her eyes
And the tomato garden her mother used to keep
And the spot of early melanoma he found on her back a year before.
He sees the sneakers with the hole in the toe
That she bought for him and he remembers her words
Red makes you run faster
And he remembers his words to her
So that I can catch you?
Because she's always moving towards something brighter
Than he can force himself to look at.
He sees the door to her townhouse three blocks from his apartment
From his own stoop
Because she took a can of paint to it,
While her landlord wasn't watching.
The empty can sits on his desk full of stubs of Ticonderogas.
Paul looks at Charlotte.
"Well, how am I red?"
"The longer I know you the redder you get."
I will not tell you to not cry, or that you're better than this, or him, damn it.
I will not tell you it isn't worth the tears, or that you'll be fine.
I will not tell you that it'll be okay.
Because right now, at this very moment, none of that matters.
Nothing I do or say is going to make you feel alright. But that's okay.
I want you to go in your room, lay in your bed, and cry.
Cry your eyes out. Cry so hard that your throat becomes dry and you start to choke on the bleeding sadness your heart beats.
Let it out like it's the first time you've ever felt this pain.
And when you're done, done with the pain and heartache, I'll be here. To hug you and to capture the first smile you crack when you're ready to realize, that everything will be okay.
That you, in fact, will be okay.
Ill be here for you.
It's hard to get up
in the morning
He is there
whispering everything will be okay