Okay. So this is how I feel:
Like the loose laces of your sneakers,
I am a lie.
I am something you hide.
A loose end kept quiet,
a monster in your closet,
or under your bed,
yeah, the one we fucked in.
And as I put my pants back on,
I stumble upon,
An old memory
and a feeling gets caught in the cavity of my chest,
Yes, that’s the place where your heart is kept
And I get a sensation, more like a revelation,
that this whole situation
is fucked up.
We used to be in love.
And now I’m just a lie,
and as I lie here in bed with you,
thinking about how I am
gum on the bottom of your shoe…
I make a decision.
To tie the knot for you,
And trip you up.
I stand on bruised shores
And watch you disappear off the crooked horizon
Vaguely waving goodbye.
Is this strength?
I'm quietly letting go of the only thing that keeps me alright.
Letting go of the only one that makes me feel safe.
Why is it so hard to do the right thing?
and like that the siren drowns
Without a song to sing
I hope you're okay, darling.
I hope you will forever be happy.
I want to be there for you
But this all so unfair.
I said previously that I didn't believe
That if you loved something you should let it go.
I now understand what that means.
I love you enough to accept this.
I love you enough to know you know what's best and
I love you enough to not expect you to return.
I wrote the breath out of my lungs.
I guess it's fitting that this life
And what makes it worth living is gone.
I'm trying so hard to be strong.
and like that
The siren drowns without a song
I know that I love to little
I know that I can fake mostly anything
I can hear a song and know the lyrics in a snap
That I cut to feel something
That I'm complicated
I know that I only had sex with you so you'd stay
I know that your never coming back
I know that I'm really sad all the time
I know that I'm scared of being happy
I know that music can make me feel really good and smile and be okay for that 4 min song
I know that I really like what I have going with you
I know that I have a really hard time with sharing and showing my feelings
I know that somedays are really hard for me to be around
I know that when I cry I can't stop and it normally leads into something bad
I know that if I didn't have my mom I wouldn't be here as we speak
I know that I put to much pressure on myself
I know that change is good and I need to start letting it happen
I know that I over think to much
I know that it's really hard to write good things down about myself
I know that I'm trying and that's a start.
Tell me how to hold you
Tell me how to care
Please, confide in me
Your secrets wont you share?
Don't just walk away
I can see the pain in your eyes
Don't say you're okay
Stop feeding me lies
I see the way they treat you
You walk with your head hung low
You're sweating and you're shaking
You think I don't know?
I want to stop the hurting
I want to end your grief
You're not worthless
Trust in my belief
Your smile dazzles in any lighting
You're always gentle with your touch
You're amazing to me
I hope that's not too much
I want to make you happy
I want to make you dance
I want you to live
And this may be my last chance
Sing with me to the heavens
Let's close our eyes with prayer
And when I wake up tomorrow
I really hope you're there
you, my love, are the light of my life, and you - are ruining my writing. lately, when i sit down and try to write, all i can seem to come up with are grossly overused analogies and tired metaphors that have been recycled a thousand different times. all that flows from the end of my pen are flowers and stars and the creases that form in your forehead when you smile and how much i'd like to lose myself in the galaxies of your irises - and it's disgusting. this twilight-esque prose, this juvenile symbolism and puppy-love poetry that pours from me - is not me. i'm no Poe, no Plath, no Kerouac, but i like to think that i'm okay. however, recently the caliber of my writing has been reduced to nothing more than rainy-day romance and child's play. and god, everything rhymes. i feel like i'm sixteen again in the best way. it's because you've stayed, that you are changing everything i thought i knew about love. i catch myself absentmindedly drifting to visions of a shoebox apartment in a city somewhere and furniture shopping and even the B word (babies). that's so unlike me, that is so - amazing because nobody has ever been so serious about me and i think that maybe, baby, someday i'd like to be 80 with you - oh god. you - you are too many poems that all sound the same, but each time i read through them i somehow manage to find something i haven't read before. you are open doors and patient arms with a voice like a lullaby that resonates in the darkest corners of my mind. you are saving grace without condition and a love so deep i could go for a swim in it - and maybe that's why i'm drowning, because all i ever really learned how to do is doggy-paddle. but you are so patient. anyone else would have quit on me by now. the idea of forever has always terrified me, but the promises you make sound so real that i'm beginning to think maybe they are. baby, you, are eyes like soil and words made of rain drops, and every day we grow a little more. i adore you. i am so sorry that my meager words can't do you justice. my ineptitude is criminal, but i'm trying. and i think that i would rather be vomiting these clichés than return to the world of gray i lived in before i met you. i love you. i love you. i love you to the moon and back and every planet in between. you are the sweet to my tea and the leaves to my tree. and every song i've yet to hear but somehow i manage to follow along with. i wanna scream it from the top of a mountain or the middle of a grocery store, about this love that leaves me with butterflies in my belly and fireworks in my heart. baby, i've never been so happy to embrace mediocrity. my prose may be suffering, but my heart is soaring. writer's block has never been more welcome than when it bears your name. so wipe your feet at the door, take off your coat, and please, make yourself at home.
Ady was a troubled kid, but he didn't use to be that way. Now, he almost never smiles and happiness has become an outdated concept to him. For a seventeen year old boy, he was unusual. He sulked in the darkest thoughts of his mind, with his head held down in disdain. He had black hair and dark brown eyes that would always stare at the ground, looking at his every footstep. No solace in his life existed, for he was overwhelmed in his thoughts, lost in a world of nonconformity. He thought of himself as a slave of society, forced to be confined to the strict rules set upon him. His mind, however, adventured to break the chains of bondage, no longer detained to society’s norms.
During school, he was despondent sulking in his own thoughts, while teachers became agitated that he was falling behind. Ady knew what all the answers were, but kept quiet, so his fellow peers wouldn't look at him with repugnance. He felt that he was surrounded by ignorance, only to be comforted by himself. His thoughts teased him, pressuring him to question his every action.
He sat down in the cold seat of his English class and stared blankly at the bare wall in front of him. His headphones were blasting music, but he could still hear the remarks made by his classmates. Instead of paying attention in class, he soon dozed off into his own dark thoughts, once again.
"Why are you here, Ady? What possesses you to keep coming to class? You don't even pay attention!" His thoughts were devouring his mind once again. "Your parents have put so much pressure on you to be just like your brother. Why are you falling behind? Your parents aren't proud of you anymore. Look at you; you are nothing. You're making yourself look like a goddamn disgrace." His thoughts wouldn't stop persecuting him.
Ady whispered to himself quietly, “Please just go away. I don’t want this right now.”
”What do you not want? Me reminding you how much of a failure you are? You should know it by now, how your teachers whisper to each other about how you were such a wonderful student. Now, you are just a disappointment. No one cares about you. Your peers think you’re demented.” Snickered his thoughts, “You are only killing yourself, Ady. Doused with drugs, alcohol, and pills, you have become derelict. Might as well kill yourself now.”
"Will you just stop fucking with me!?" Ady shouted.
Suddenly, his classmates turned around in awe with wide eyes to see Ady sitting in the back. His teacher, Mrs. Beck, stopped reading Huckleberry Finn and stared at him blankly with her jaw dropped in shock. Realizing that he said this out loud, Ady grabbed his textbooks and stormed out the classroom. He sat on the nearest bench in his school’s courtyard, his palms placed upon his forehead, reminiscing on what he had just done. "Now everyone is going to think you're a disgrace and a delirious lunatic." His thoughts boasted. Tears streamed down his face with his face cradled in the palms of his hands. "Oh now Ady, don't be a coward. Why are you crying? Because you can't get rid of your thoughts or that I'm haunting you to the point of timorous suicide?
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Ady asserted, shaking his head.
"Because I am a part of you, you can never get rid of me. I will haunt you till the day you leave this Earth, which might be soon, since you're thinking of killing yourself." His thoughts teased. Ady didn't know how to respond, so he solemnly walked home in the cold November weather, with his thoughts still taunting him.
The next day, Ady returned to the class he absconded yesterday. He walked in right as the bell rang. "You're late again, Ady." Said his teacher, Mrs. Beck. Ady ignored his teacher's remarks and sat in his seat, while his fellow peers whispered about how Ady had boasted out of class yesterday.
"Do you think he's on drugs?" said one of the students.
"I don't know, but I've heard rumors he was placed in that mental institution, Holly Hills." replied another student.
Even though Ady had headphones in, he could still hear what his fellow peers thought of him.
"They're just jealous, Ady. Don't pay any mind to them; they will all pay their do's soon." His thoughts echoed in the cobwebs of his brain, even louder than they were before. Abruptly, Ady felt a slight pinch on his shoulder and saw that it was one of the girl's sitting behind him.
"Ady, are you okay?” exclaimed the young girl, "You ran out yesterday and I was worried about you, I hope you're okay now." The girl's name was Ester; she had hazel eyes that matched the freckles on her cheeks, with long light brown hair. Her lips smiled from cheek to cheek as she gazed into Ady’s eyes. She had known Ady for quite a long time, and had even gone on a couple dates with him, but it didn't turn into anything serious.
"Yeah I'm fine, thanks." said Ady whilst turning back around to face the front of the classroom. Ady knew Ester meant no harm, and that she constantly perturbed about him. But why would anyone care about him, especially her? No one else paid him any attention, except for Ester. Ady didn't know the answers to his questions, but he did find solace that someone cared for him.
3:18 A.M. Tuesday, November 18th
"Ady, wake up. It's me again. Did you hear what your friends said about you? They said you were in a mental institution and that you turn to drugs to help you cope. Are you just going to let them get away with that?" murmured his thoughts.
"They're not my friends, not even acquaintances. Why should I care now what they think of me, they've said rumors about me before." replied Ady.
"You are such an ignorant young boy. They've been doing this ever since you were in Elementary school. They think you're insane, in fact everybody thinks you are. Your parents, friends, teachers, classmates, and even Ester.”
"Shut up you have no idea what you're talking about! “Proclaimed Ady.
"Oh, but I do. You should be locked up in a mental institution, one of those padded rooms, where you can't hurt yourself. Or better yet, hurt other people. You like the idea of pain, don't you? So, why do you only inflict it upon yourself, and not others, you selfish prick!"
"Get out of my head! Get out! Why do you do this to me!? I don't want to hurt anyone!" shouted Ady. He grabbed a syringe full of Heroine from the second drawer of his nightstand and stabbed it into the inside of his elbow; he slowly injected the drug into his blood stream. His dark brown pupils dilated and soon fell from his bed to the carpeted ground, without his thoughts there to torment him.
Ady woke up around noon, and decided to go to school. However, he injected another dose of Heroine to ease his nerves, and hopefully eliminate his intrusive thoughts. He also took another bag, but his one was not full of his usual textbooks. Three G17 Gen4 9mm pistols, two Bear OPS switchblades, and one Desert Eagle semi-automatic pistol. Ady, of course, obtained these weapons illegally, and kept them under his bed in his old guitar case. He wore a dark black coat and a black bandanna over his face, to make sure his identity was not revealed.
When he arrived at Saint Augustine High School, he was immediately noticed by one of the teachers, Mr. Hills. Mr Hills had been Ady’s Advance Placement Chemistry teacher, who he had known for quite a long time.
“Ady,” exclaimed Mr. Hills, “why are you dressed like that? Don’t you need to return to your third period?”
Ady slowly took out one of his 9 millimeters and aimed it at Mr. Hill’s forehead. Once he saw the gun Mr. Hills took off running, but Ady shot him directly in his spinal cord. Mr. Hills fell to the concrete sidewalk, blood escaping his body and painting the ground a crimson color that matched the autumn leaves. The sound of the gunshot was heard throughout the school, causing the emergency bell to start blasting a high pitched ring.
"Wonderful, our presence is known." His thoughts echoed. The school suddenly went into lock down, teachers started locking the doors, turning off the lights, and students frantically hid under their desks. Ady wasn't naive, he knew what was exactly going on. First, the teachers and students had been notified that there was a deranged psycho loose in their school. Second, the police and SWAT team were on their way to stop Ady in his path.
Ady proceeded down the hallways of his school, where all the doors were shut and the classrooms were dark. His footsteps echoed in the hallway, and he could hear the gasping of breath inside the classrooms as he passed them. He slowly strolled to Mrs. Beck's classroom, and jiggled the doorknob just to see if he could get a reaction. He did. With as much force as he attained, he kicked in the door. The students hid under the desks, screaming and terrified they called out "Please, don't hurt us. Please. Please have mercy." Ady smirked at the sight of their terror.
"Why should I be merciful towards you?" Ady claimed. He then took out his semi- automatic pistol from his black book bag and aimed it to the boy closest to him, who was cowering under his desk. His name was Matthew and he was one of the boys that had harassed Ady since he was eight years old. Ady then preceded to the shoot the boy in-between his green eyes. His blood plastered the wall behind him, while his head lay adjacent to the crimson wall. The whole class shrieked, not for the boy, but for who was going to be the next victim.
"The way I see it is you can either be the victim or the culprit.” said Ady, "However, you guys drove me to this, and so I think of you as both." Ady thus opened fired on the whole class. Mrs. Beck, the boy who sat next to him, and the girls who used to flirt with him. As the bullets fired, their blood piercing screams were heard throughout the school. Though, through the midst of chaos, Ester was not injured. She stood as a gleaming symbol of hope, while blood and lifeless bodies covered the tile floor. Her palms in her face, she wept hysterically under one of the desks. What had she just witnessed? Why did Ady not shoot her? Traumatized she looked around at twenty-one lifeless bodies lying around her, and then she looked at Ady. Ady gazed into her eyes and walked away. No emotions. No words. Nothing.
The police and SWAT team surrounded the school, but luckily Ady surrendered. He had gotten what he wanted. Revenge. But, revenge is not a substitute for justice. Ady was now locked up in Cherry Grove mental institution. There, he was alone with his thoughts again. He wanted to escape from everyone who had ever done him wrong. But the one person, who caused Ady to go mentally ill, in which he could never escape, was himself.
support my heavy head
until my brain turns to slime
from thinking too much.
i can't function until i know she's okay.
You should do it, you know
Loose yourself in the blades
No one would notice or care
Don't you have any shame?
Some one would care about her
Don't tell her different
Please don't kill us
Don't leave us
You're worthless, I swear
Death would be easier and simple
Don't you think so, Kaitlyn?
Just a few slices here and there
But you have life to live
And experiences to be had
I promise it will get better soon
I know life is bad
Ha, it will get better
If you pop a few dozen and wait
I promise it will get better soon
If you just stop breathing
No one wants you
Not true! I promise people do
Oh, like who?
Mom, what about mom?
She would live
Bull shit, it would break her
What friends does she have?
Plenty and you know it too
Hah, can hardly call people
Who say they'll be there
But disappear friends
People have lives that don't
Revolve around her
But when she needs them
They never show
How is that friendship?
Words aren't always needed
To show love
I'm done listening to this
Leave me alone I
Need to think
And I can't do that with
You two in my head
Whatever, I'll be back
Okay, but remember
We're always here
Yeah I know
That's the sad part...
Do not worry,
i do not tear at my skin,
i do not raise the razor blade,
i do not watch the blood as it flows down my arms,
Do not worry,
you do not see what i do,
you do not feel what i feel,
you do not share my nightmares,
Do not worry,
for you have not seen my past,
and you do not see my future,
Do not worry
because you do not have my heart,
and nor do you have my soul,
for that is a dark thing full of pain.
Do not worry.
Its nearly 2:30 am
And once again, I dreampt of you
They will always possess me
And I can feel your voice
Giving me chills, flooding me,
And piercing through my black soul,
Full of sorrow and full of despair.
By this, you create a feeling of ecstacy
Swimming through my veins
And shattering my bones
This is why I awake at nearly 2:30 am
Simply just to write songs about you
Simply just to get you off my mind.
Let me takeover your every breath.
Flooding into your lungs,
You are now mine.
Surely until I fade away
Into thin air
And leave nothing but ashes
On the ground.
Spill out everything you're filled with;
Who knows whether your glass is half empty
Or half full
Now its on the ground
And that's okay,
Because I'm on my hands and knees
Cleaning it all up.
You remind me of stain glass windows in a church;
Some see your beauty, on the inside and out,
But they only notice when the sun gleams through your colors and cracks,
Showing off such vivid and lovely colors.
They don't see your beauty. The can't fathom it.
They're the ones who throw rocks at you,
Leaving you shattered into
A million pieces
On the floor,
Not able to be loved,
Not able to be appreciated.
But, while you're that shattered mess
On the floor,
Let it be known
That I am the one
On my knees
With my fingers cut and bleeding
Picking up every shattered or broken
Piece of you
And I will mend you back together
I will make you feel whole
I will make you feel special
Because you are.
Look me in the eyes;
I'm not sure whether they remind me
Of the sound of the rippling waves in the salty ocean on a hot summer day
Or the smell of the smoking flames of a bonfire on a warm july night
They set my soul at ease.
Things are impermanent.
We all know this too well.
Roaring fires turn to embers
Embers turn to ashes
That soon blow away into thin air.
This is why our love is not like fire.
Our love cannot be described.
"Nothing lasts forever"
2013 © O'Brien Devin Brielle