I love you
you never noticed
I wait hoping for a smile
anything to give me hope
do you even see me ?
I smiled at you again today
a small hope to be noticed..
you smiled that sweetest I have ever seen
and hugged the same woman I have seen
I dont like waiting....
but I just have to
If waiting means having you..
Then I will wait till I have you...
I went to school today.
Everyone seemed to walk through me.
My words were unheard by any.
My actions were left unnoticed.
I walked up to you today.
I looked you straight in the eye.
You looked back but you saw through me.
You walked and you went inside of me.
My body dissolved for a second.
It went back to shape.
That is when I noticed I died.
It came to me like a dream.
I really was murdered last night.
The machete that I held went through my heart.
My ghost is still here.
I am meant to finish my time on earth.
I have to get you to notice me and fall in love with me.
How do I do this now that I am dead as well as invisible?
Nothing is impossible I guess.
How many times
Have you driven by
A cross on the side of the road?
How many times
Have you wondered why
God had to take their life?
How many times
Have you thought of their stories?
Of who they left in mourning?
Have you ever wondered
Where they were going?
Have you ever wondered
What they thought of
In their last moment?
Were they lonely?
Were they loved?
Are they down below or up above?
Have you ever noticed?
Those flowers beside the cross?
Have you ever noticed
How many broken hopes and dreams
Are nestled in those leaves?
How many times
Has it ever crossed your mind-
That worn-out cross
And shriveling rose
Could be resting there for you.
I am cold. I am alone. I am empty. It wasn’t always like this. You see-
That one day you brought me a bouquet of flowers but I didn’t even noticed them sitting next to me.
That one day you decided to wrap my hand with the warmth of yours but I wouldn’t return the favor.
That one day you tried to hug me tight and I left you too much slack to hold on to.
That one day you wanted someone to cry with but I didn't spare you a single drop.
That one day you finally told me how you really felt but I wouldn’t listen to your words anymore.
That one day you decided to give me our first real kiss but my heart just wasn't in it.
That one day, was one day too late for me because-
That one day is actually today, and today I am cold. I am alone. I am empty.
But you see it wasn’t always like this . . .
Yesterday I would have shared my entire world if you'd have let me but today, today I am dead.
..............................................................
I've climbed my world of trees today,
Before they had to go their way.
Before the sunlight met the sea,
Each tree I saw called out to me.
The green green tree with boughs of steel
Was pure and utterly ideal.
And I climbed quick as a whippoorwill
Springing from the window seal.
I climbed it grand, and oh, so high-
Through the thrush's song, and a robin's cry.
Through the deepest green that caught the day,
And promised to steal me away.
And I climbed a Monkey Puzzle Tree
As old as half a tree can be.
And it laughed to see me rustle through
Branches old and branches new.
I sailed through leaves as soft as lent,
Where spiral blossoms lept to play
Fragrant little games of chance
Within the haunt of their bouquet.
When the tall, tall, red tree called my name,
The one with pepper blossoms high,
And since no two trees are the same
I followed this one to the sky.
Up through branches bathed in light,
And down through tunnels in the bark,
I climbed this one with all my might,
Through the gray and winding dark.
Until I found my afternoon
Still waiting for me like the day.
I gave the tree a bit of heart
And watched it as it sailed away.
And there, beyond the Tin Tin Tree,
Where apple roses blossomed grand,
I noticed resting on its knee
The finest tree to ever stand.
A hundred, hundred trees in one,
Would be an awful lot of fun
Just to take a branch today
And rest the afternoon away,
But, Oh, I had to climb it high,
As high as God could make a sky.
I had to see the stars that He
With clever skill hid well from me.
I had to touch the setting sun,
Under my after-evening's shroud,
So up I went, through branches, bows,
Crossing leaves that laughed aloud.
Leaves that seemed to know my name,
That weaved their winding whispers through
That starlit flicker of a flame
I tried but could not look into.
I swung from branches tapped by age,
That creaked and echoed such a sigh-
The feathered leaves that rustled calm,
And I so briefly saw my sky.
There I paused and held my own,
My heart like thunder in my chest.
And I watched the quiet of the day
Paint ribbons in a robin's nest
And scatter shades of blue and red
Like waves upon my quiet sea,
And those threaded vines of dragons head
That weaved in through my Shadow Tree.
The morning bowed to afternoon,
As if to nature's sole command,
And shades and shadows drifted by
That secret place I chose to stand.
There were stars that climbed each peasant branch,
Stars that whispered to the breeze
That beat a hymn of ages past,
Known only to the trees.
Will-O'-The-Wisp's sang through the leaves
And danced about the sapwood sprig,
Darting here and pausing there,
Between each shadowed, lively twig,
Where EverNettles bright as dreams
Climbed deep inside the deadwood bark,
And called their young ones earnestly
To the safety of the dark.
And finally spent I caught my breath,
And peeled the spindly leaves away,
And waved my arms into the breeze
That sang the silvered songs of day.
There was a different world below,
A land of hills and river beds,
Of trees as tiny as the grass,
And roads smaller than the finest threads.
I reached out into the velvet sky
To run my fingers through the day,
Where the sandy silk of autumn brushed
The stardust noon had tossed my way.
And I breathed in all the wonder there -
All I could hear and feel and see,
Whatever wonder dared to share
From the branches of my Shadow Tree.
Copyright © 2013 Richard D. Remler
................................................................
"There is always Music amongst the trees in
the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet
to hear it."
~Minnie Aumonier
..............................................................
I was just the intern with burning red cheeks always trying to say
something quirky yet sophisticated
always rocking on the balls of my feet
happy to lick your envelopes
press your stamps against my manilla folders
we were all speaking one day about parents
I brought mine up a lot to signify my determined love for them
and I noticed you had a picture of a young girl on your file cabinet
she was pretty
You spoke of your son and what a fuck up he was
but you didn’t say that you only whispered it with a practiced sighing grin
and to lighten the mood I asked what your daughter was up to
only to have you respond in the most concrete comment with commas after every word
that she was murdered
I would have liked to tell you
because my arms were aching and my mind was straining
and I wanted you to feel better
and I wanted to feel better
I wanted to sneak little letters into your ear at night that spelled out
it’s ok
and
my daughter was murdered too
but my daughter was not
I do not have a daughter
and now neither do you
Is it really you
Or is it just
Me?
You seem
Nicer recently,
More caring
More concerned.
Maybe you've noticed?
Finally
After so long
But me?
I push you away,
Occasionally
Shout,
What is happening.
What have I
Become?
i.
I always offered every part of myself, to you
So when I found out about what she had done,
How she had made you feel
Hurt seeping from your every pore,
I rushed down right away
To be there.
ii.
But in the process, I have realized something
To not put myself first, before you,
Before her,
Is killing me
That is the worst part of it all,
To watch myself continue to give to you,
The things that I no longer have
To watch myself continue to hold you,
When it's all just false comfort
A way for me to feel okay about
the things that have taken place
iii.
I still am trying.
Does that speak volumes,
or am I running around in circles again?
I always wanted to go somewhere with you,
Anywhere but where we remained,
Stagnant,
And you taught me to love,
but in ways that were too late,
In ways that I noticed
Long after the fact
In ways that I could not validate,
Yet you never validated me,
Never any part of me
iv.
I want to know what makes you hurt,
Just like you spilled those dirty secrets to her,
Yet was I never good enough to know?
We shared everything else,
But I realize now that she may have known
you better, within the span of a two week time
I sat on my knees, hands clasped, begging you
You accused me of never asking,
But it doesn't mean I wasn't still thinking,
Wasn't still aching for you to reach out
I shouldn't be the one to pry
I just didn't want be that girl,
Yet she was that girl for you
v.
And look where it got us,
Back to the same place, all over again
Rewind and repeat, and yet
I'll still be here.
how is it that life goes on?
the sun keeps rising and setting,
people continue their busy routines
as if,
nothing has happened.
but today you have stopped loving me,
how can strangers not see it is the end!
of everything...
how is the sorrow in my eyes not enough to make the world stop turning?
how is the immense hole in my stomach not big enough to make the waves stop crashing against the shore?
how can I go on, if no one has even noticed my heart is so completely broken.
how do I eat or sleep, knowing you no longer want me?
how can i go on if no one has even noticed something's wrong.
I have been living in this apartment for 9 months
and there is a pink tree that I never noticed until this morning.
it reminds me of your lips
your tongue
your nipples
it is hidden behind the leafy green of trees that survive the winter
and it only blossoms in Spring
and I am willing to bet
it only blossomed last night while we were kissing.
that tree is our tree, it grew in 4 hours
sunk its roots into the ground when I finally felt your skin again.
grew branches when your long fingers and chalk dust knuckles wrapped themselves around my ribcage.
buds sprouted when we fell into the lost worlds of our eyes
and flowers bloomed with every kiss.
(4 hours is enough to grow a tree when love is the gardener.)
there is a vibrancy to the world today
somehow even grey skies light up the world
and cigarettes taste sweeter
but the cold is still too much
and inside, my apartment is permeated with your smell
I want to bottle it and save it up
snuff for lonely days
because what keeps me going is not marketable
which I sometimes forget, because sometimes in love
you believe that everyone looks at your love the same way you do
an image of Perfection
memories of perfection linger in this house and it feels like
morning will last forever
but I wish that last night had lasted forever,
grown an orchard of pink trees so tall & thick the blossoms
pressed against the windowpane
so when you had to leave the petals would pick you up and carry you home
a hundred and eighty-five miles is a long way to depend on petals
so I'll thread my veins and stitch them together
(because of your love my blood is strong enough) & when you get home
O-positive 98.6 degrees will soak the petals into the ground
and up will sprout a pink tree
so you can look up and think of me
and missing each other might get a little easier
(if) absence makes the heart grow fonder
