I stumbled upon
something I shouldn't have read
memories of last summer
float inside my head
who was that person
who did all those awful things
and hurt the one she loves
I don't recognize the person I was
or the person I am
what happens when
your mind slips inside itself
I'm often alone anymore
it's hard not to
disappear inside myself
I need someone to shake me
wake me from my stupor
someone to bring me back to reality
because it's getting dark in here
                                   ...and I don't know where I am.

Just because you look at me the way in which you do
Is just the.  Fire I require just to see the hard things through.

Just because I look away sometimes when you are near is just the
Little boy in me just loving you my dear.

Just a moment if you please to still my weak and shaky knees
When you hold me close in your caress .my ear pressed gently to your breast. As our breathing slows and senses clear.

Just say that you will always love me.
Need me, trust me hold. me.

In your heart.
In your dreams .
In your world. For
Just forever.
That is all.

My grandma sits shaking in her
Rocking chair, rocking.
Ten minutes ago, she got news that her mother died.
She had seen her earlier that day.

Sometimes things that you can't control
Are the absolute worst. Very rarely are they great.
Sometimes I wish I could take the wishes
From children with their shiny pennies.

Sometimes people cry over loss
And tears just need to fall in episodes of
Trembling, and shaking bones.
Because sometimes being strong is not enough.

Sometimes the rockers on chairs that rock,
They squeak. And maybe it's because
Sometimes those rockers get tired of being strong.
They get tired of being silent.

Sometimes you see things that you
Wish would stop replaying in your head.
Sometimes you hear abstract words
That just never leave the inside of your ears.

Sometimes when people grieve,
They get so wrapped up in who they lose
That sometimes they lose themselves.
My grandmother will not lose herself.

I have always known that
No matter what happens, she will
Always tell me to follow her footsteps and be strong,
I can't imagine being strong if she were gone.

I say
No
Quite often to you.
No, you can't say things like that and expect it to not hurt.
No, you have to think before you act.
No, you don't do those things.
No, because I love you.
I love your voice.
The way you look right when you wake up and just as you fall asleep.
The things you say and the way you're important enough that it can cut me to ribbons.
Your skin.
I don't know.
Its not a sexual thing. I just need you, I love you and want to hold you
I can't explain.
So I say no.
No
I can't tell you that
Its not important
Why those scars look so new
Or that one word makes me start to sob
Or how my face is so bad at listening to my mind.
I love you.
So I'll say it again.
No.

I've been to many bad places
And met even more bad faces
I've gone places no one should go
And I know people no one should know
Yet I do not regret the thing that I have done
Hell most of the time it was all just fun
I'm a stronger person because of all this
I danced through the fire to give the devil a kiss
I'm wise with the knowledge that I now hold
I have seen hell and it is empty and cold
That was not the life I was ment to lead
Those days where life lessons that in the future I will need
God's plan for me we shall soon see
I thank him for my lessons and the person they have made me

forever alone-
even in the midst of my fellows
I am alone-
how I long to know the gentle caress
of your warm hands
how I wish to know the answer to the question:
is every one of my kind as alone as I?

I lay in wait for just a hint of your presence.
This cold and damp room
I have been deposited to
offers no condolences of comfort.
Thankless mortuary of life,
grounding point for unending successions of failure.
Mold grows abundant and varied on every surface,
forever feeding,
forever decaying-
forever reminding- the self defense I practice
is no match for time.

I have surrendered myself to your will
you repay my penance with stoic indifference,
how I curse my fate, to be stuck in this condition
stuck in this form
stuck in this cycle of irrelevance
where my purpose is as obscured as your presence-
I know it is there- I catch glimmers of it,
wafting on fumes of promise
welling up through my limbs-
yet, as I try to focus on its sweetness,  it melts away
and my condition teeters on the realization of the futility of my dreams,
dreams that perhaps there is something in this world I may possess,
something exempt from this foetid destiny of decay.

I pray to you every day- you bestow to me sustenance, delivered
within the few short moments of clarity
when your benevolence washes over my limbs
and that chill is abated, temporarily.  

oh love I need you
I need you
I need you
I need you-oh-
I need you now...

The joy you give me wells up in my core-
it spirals through my body in radiant fumes
arousing within me an electricity
which charges and grows, crackling and rippling through my being-

Your weightless touch
caresses the supple flesh of my newly unfurled limbs
your heat makes my lust ignite
until my rapture bursts and floods fragrantly out of my body
through small delicate folds soft as angel’s lips
burning crimson flames in contrast to the relentless leaden landscape.


Much like my prayers,
these too wither and evaporate back into the rimple of your coat of infinite possibility.
I am left broken, exploited by a purpose
that has been kept hidden from me.
Fate has decreed I must blossom during winter
serving as a beacon to the world around me,
I implore you my beloved,  who will serve as my beacon?
Who will lend vibrance to my dismal soul
when the skies are gray
and the cold lingers ever-present like a blade to the throat?

oh love I need you
I need you
I need you
I need you-oh-
I need you now...

I continue to endure
these seasons of deception.  
The offerings of my flesh, my soul, my intentions
are hung in severe strings
as reminders of the union I may never have
reminders that I will never be as perfect as I know is possible-
that most of my dreams
will miscarry to oblivion and their potentials as realities will slip away as fast as the thoughts that carried them-
slip away as fast as the memory of my existence.

the only thing keeping me from joining you
is me
my form, this body, this anchor to the Earth.
In spite of this forlorn existence, I try to brighten my world-
my offerings are these poems of flesh,
frail and transient
moments of sublimity
apices of material existence
bridges to the divine

Exercises in wishfulness do nothing to change states.
What I truly desire is freedom,
freedom from these roots
freedom from hunger
freedom from wishes
freedom from these interminable winters
freedom from this sadness
freedom from this life

I cannot wait
Till the day
I am gone
Out of here
Completely
Disappeared
And then have
Those people
That were suppose
To be my friends
Randomly think
"Hey I wonder
what Lisa's doing today"
And when
They go to
Call me
I won't pick up
And when they text me
I won't answer
And when they look for me
I won't turn up
And when they need me
Ill be gone
No where
Vanished
Like I was never here
At all
Ever
All those times
Where I pestered
And annoyed
The fuck out of people
To hang out with me
But there was always
Something better to do
Than hang out with
Lisa Smida
So they blew me off
Over and over
Until it killed me
And I had to get the fuck out
I want it to seem like
I was a made up character
In everyone's minds
Like I was just an image
They all happened to create
Simultaneously
And that I never really existed
And all the things that really happened
They were just all made up memories
False memories
Something the brain tells us
Because its what we really want
But it will seem too late
Because Im gone
But really....
It's not too late
Because I was never even there

To wish, to wish,
To dream a dream,
To writhe in nightmares of the obscene,
To ask, to know, to whisper, to scream,
The Waters of Regret, with tears, it teems.
The Night has vanquished the Softening Light,
The mind and heart, as one, in flight,
They try to spread their wings but unfold
Blackened remains of dreams so bold.
Skeletal and frail, they represent
The nothingness, the loss and lament,
They creak as they move in their fragility,
They yearn to wander eternally,
It happens that I do, indeed, readily
disagree fullheartedly,
With Love and its "virility".
Happiness is a virtue, a privilege,
Not a tome, a text, or pledge,
It holds steady in the worst of winds,
A Northern ship in the tides and spins,
The pitch and yaw of each barrage,
Makes one wish for camouflage,
From life, from loss, from all heartache,
All who I know regret me, their mistake.
Be at peace, I'm at peace,
It's the rest I need,
I try and remember when you were happy