The morning started with a shower
Arms braced against the wall in a kind of supplication
Pushing hard so damn hard you want to fall
You let the water wash your  dreams and pain away

The morning started with you leaving
Saying I'm so nice as you walk out the door
I know your tired cause we didn't sleep
I remember your whispered promises that were quickly disposed of

The morning started with you lying next to me
While I played Rilo Kiley
So close I could touch you but I could tell you didn't want to be touched

"Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will help me this time..."

I played it in a moment of honesty
My one true expression as I watched the distance grow between us
I wanted to fuck you again cause I hoped it would mean something
Thank you for teaching me that the third time is the charm and the fourth is for sleeping not fucking
It's hard to find this kind of rejection early in the morning. Thanks for staying open late to accommodate me.

The morning started with me laughing  at you when you said where's the underwear?
Writers can laugh at painful parallels and prophesy true unintentionally but not uneventfully
It doesn't help me not want to fuck you again
So we fuck again for the third time. The last time.
You kiss less when your not drunk

The morning started with some smoke and water and generic Advil
Proscribed to all the fallen like vitamins
You look good naked
Next to me
I wonder what this morning will bring?

This morning started with me inside you the second time
You made me cum inside you like you wanted something that I had to give
Maybe love maybe pain -you did like to be hurt
You didn't remember that I said I want to hurt you less cause I actually like you
I choked you cause you wanted it more than me
I feel like Kriegers robot arm sometimes
Perhaps we could just affix a cock to the arm and I could be replaced
Go on vacation to the city of lost whore sluts
I hear the buffet there is wonderful

The morning started with me inside you
On the kitchen floor
I threw you up against the wall too hard
You fell down so I took you right there
On the linoluem Under flourecent lights
You were so tight and tender and tough
You fucked me desperately like you hadn't been getting enough
Sorry for banging your head up against the fridge

The morning started with you next to me
Both of us drunk
You kissed me right
Out of the many there are few that do it
It's a weakness for me and dangerous to believe in the power of knowing through a kiss
You dry humped me like a dog on speed
It felt good
That and the kissing
I said no
I wouldn't fuck you
Like I said before
You said it had been to long
That you never did this
I said I needed to wait
That I liked you
I didn't want you to be just a fuck
Not just for you
But for me
Sometimes even seasoned whores need to feel special
I said that I'd fall too quick
You can be very persuasive

The morning started with me on the couch with your friend
We had makers and he had Jameson
He called it neat but it had Ice
I didn't say anything
You told him that you knew me for a long time and that i was gay
In retrospect it probably helped that I talked about color and carpets and paintings and poetry
I tried not laugh as we tried to pass of our little deceptive parody
Sure it was successful but what does it really say about me that he'd believe it
Oh the irony of pretending to be gay to get a girl
The things we do
He left after a long soliloquy on decorating and fashion
I think you might be like me and sometimes confuse the facts of your friends and stories with your dreams
I thought your adept practiced and surreptitious deception was endearing
I wanted to kiss you all night so I was glad he left
After he was gone I told you in the bathroom that I wanted to kiss you all night and you dropped your pants and peed in front me
You looked at me like no big deal and said what I don't care
I really starting liking you then

The morning started at the bar the night before
You sat down and smiled and flirted with me
You told me I would have to wait a year and a half to fuck you
As we drank way too much and both grew more beautiful and gracious with every ounce of liquid forgetfulness

The morning started the night before at your work when I hit on you cause you were laughing and smiling and had a little halo

The morning started like any other morning
With lies and  rejection and sweetness and passion and loneliness
If I knew I was going to be used like this
I would have used a condom
Not to just protect against the std's but to protect from intimacy
I hope I won't fail on both counts
A little worried
That's why I write this story

Azrael Always James
© Copyright 2013

I'm so jealous of you, Jack;
I wish I could feel that.
I wish I could feel all those things that you feel.

I know I told you that I don't like wishes.
But I wish it so fucking bad.

It's so fucking empty.
So. Fucking. Empty.

I can hear every heartbeat echoing inside me.
I swear,
My heart is getting sick
and tired
of hearing the sound of it's own voice.

It is pleading for silence now,
I'm certain.
Pleading.

Is there any way to stop it?

I wish that I could tell you all of this.
Because then you might know me better,
You might understand me more.

But then again, you might misunderstand too,
You might feel hurt.
(Oh, nevernevernever do I ever want to hurt you)

THERE IS JUST NO WAY TO EXPLAIN.

Nononono.
But it does not mean that I don't care,
I promise.
It is not that I don't love you.
It just means that
I love differently.
I think.

(And I always, always think you are amazing.
I really, really do.)

But I couldn't ever really explain it.
I could never really explain.

Nonononononono.

It's
It's
It's
It's this empty bit.
An incompleteness.
You cannot fill it with a piece of jigsaw.
It is not just a space, the empty bit.
It does not consist of nothing,
It is not made up of air,

The empty bit is something solid,
Like steel
or stronger.
A wedge
between us,
Protruding from my own body.
A barrier to everything.

I don't know whether it makes me safer,
or more vulnerable.
But I do know
that it seems it will just always, always be between us.

Oh,
I hate it, hate it.
Trying, trying.
It torments me.
I go crazy,
I go insane.
Trying and trying to get it, to feel it.
I reach out, but there's a wall there.
Why is there a wall, Jack?

Why is there a fucking wall?

Jack, I need you.

I think you're lovely
I know you don't feel like you are
but I really wish you could see through my perspective
because I catch the glimmer in your eyes
when you see your nephew running towards you
or the grin that widens across your face when you get to help someone who is in need
even though you might not have much to give
I think you're lovely because I get to witness all the little parts of you
that define who you are
Such as the way you constantly tap your pencil when you're trying to focus
or when you involuntarily bounce your leg rapidly up and down
the way your lips move when you talk
and the way you hold me tighly against you when it's time to go
but most of all
I think you're lovely
because you make me feel lovely too

I want to test the structural durability of my body
See the strength of my skin
Bite and break my bones
Shed and finger paint with my blood
At least then I could finally make a mess
My OCD clean up everything mentality
Thrown to the wind blowing and
Yet again bending backwards
With a cut throat slit neck decision
A split second mind numbing category
Of guess which allegory I'll use next
A fixed gear fear with one pedal
Driving the next one ahead of the other
Unable to feel the free wheel coast through life I desire
So I say I again
I need to know how strong I am

beauticians say
that we shouldn't sleep in our make up
but one day we'll be sleeping forever
and then
morticians will say
makeup is what we need
for our eternal sleep

Nowadays, we all have everything
Laptops, handphones, cameras, science, technology
But what we don't use
Is our own human body
That God created
Isn't that pitiful?
A waste of time
I just want to point out that
we are all human kinds human beings
who also need to socialize with others
do other things
talk with others
play with others
balance everything between your socializing,
laptops, handphones, cameras, science, technology
To those people who still think
laptops, handphones, cameras, science, technology
are the priorities in your life
and you can't live without them then
stop reading this.
Thank You.
Goodnight.

"The next speech to be given
Is one we need to hear
I'd like to call on William
Who has overcome his fear
William, please come forward
And take your place with me
And children, listen closely
As we let dear William be...."
William then ventured forth
From the back where he sat
He was dressed in a long jacket
And a worn out stove top hat
Before he started talking
More instructions were delivered
"Don't laugh, or talk or clap people...."
While at the front William shivered...
The class went deadly quiet
And William went to speak
No one could quite hear him
His voice was soft and meek
"Four Thcore and Theven yearth ago
Our fatherth brought forth
Upon thith continent
A new nathion, conthieved in liberty.."
William finished speaking
The class just sat there dumb
No one knew this William
From where had this one come
Each year in school since JK
Willaim rarely said a word
And if he ever answered
No one really heard
But today...today he was a hero
Standing proud in his black hat
He had stunned them into silence
Knocked them dead just where they sat
He practiced with the teacher
Every afternoon at home
He worked on words in secret
When he was sitting all alone
The Gettysburg Address
Never, sounded quite as great
As when recited by young William
This young man in grade eight
He had broken his long silence
As the year came to an close
By reciting Old Abe Lincoln
In his black and borrowed clothes
He'd defeated all his demons
Showed his lisp just who was king
Now he ventured into high school
And the worst that it could bring
The bell went off, class was dismissed
The silence was now burst
The children stood to exit
And they let William leave class first

I feel the need to
write it
but I can't seem to
find the words
to articulate
the heaviness
that holds me in place
and keeps me
forever
from moving forward.