It's the silent sound of years in pain
Shedding tiny translucent tears the world can't see
When hope is a dream within a dream
I can't discern the difference...
...between bitterness and me
Blurring the lines of reality and rationalization
There's no hope in bleak grey sky
Lonliness a monument to the ruins of civilization
I can't recall abandoning hope...
...let alone ask why
Ambulatory motions of existence
Cynical functions of persistence
Analyze. Explain. Define.
Live. Love. Die.
Perfunctory day to day living
Hand to mouth every moment existing
Losing myself to routine rote repetition
Clouding the emptiness of internal division
I was afraid of nothing...
I had nothing to lose...
...until I found you
you may have
wandered your way
into my late night cabs
and the quiet confines of my mind
in the back's of buses-
but rest assured
the weather's only getting warmer
and i soar over the east river
with the windows down
pull the hurricane hair from my mouth
with the fingers that grazed you wine-drunk
(assured my heart an infallible compass,
blessed our love an under-dog's triumph)
but know the music's loud,
and i wear my smirk like a god given right
while the goosebumps
of you
slowly smooth.
i am wearing a kimono,
this sheer, garish, floral shred of fabric that wafts about my frame.
the cafe people snip at it with their eyes full of sharp edges.
ive been here all day
the view is terrible,
the music
is like the sound of a snail in seasalt.
little
crackles
of wet flesh hot and retreating, no, burning.
but i am so tired I cant move.
maybe it isn't so bad,
maybe I am just being difficult...
everything,
even the kiss colored leaves that
toss themselves down the boulevard,
seem shrill to me.
all i can
think about
is what you said to me last night
"a pretty face is a loaded gun"
tearing holes into me with your angry eyes.
you know
the line itself is crap,
a splinter in this thigh,
it is snapping, that line, under all the meaning
i gave it in my drunken storm.
i walk along that line,
as though it is stretched between sky scrapers,
high above like a tightrope.
today all the great buildings that surround, give me perspective on my size,
and they hiss
as great, hollow objects seem to do sometimes.
now that iam awake
i see that it doesn't make sense
when you said it
you were swimming in a gin bath and
playing the poet with a shredded heart
but iam trying to give you credit
and find something other then an image
-image of my body
with a heavy, black barrel protruding from my throat
and a tantalizing trigger, curling like a tongue taunting you
to pull it
and blow your fucking skull apart-
you were just trying to offend me thats what i see.
dont blame this face, you are just angry.
goddamm the music here sounds like nails!
that man over there with the sloppylips looks like he might disintegrate
in worse shape then me I think,
I hope.
anyways i was saying dont blame this face
thats right i say iam beautiful,
you said it first though.
though you only said it, in search of the trigger.
christ,
we all need to get up and go,
this place is like a horse's mouth
lets all get up and walk out together in a thread of gorgeous bodies who just
wont take it anymore. lets go.
forget it. wait
what was i saying?
A deep breath, at least an attempt
Drawing air into my lungs; painful to say the least
Short shallow breaths relieving the horrible pain
That last kick, missing the block, threw myself off balance
My own damn fault
Deserving of the next kick, left side of my open rib cage
Stupidity is always punished
A sickening crack, an intense pain
Constant reminder to keep my guard up
Fight the urge to vomit
Left arm numb from pain
If I stopped, stayed down too long; he would end it
“Told you to watch that kick Johnny Johnny”
Shook myself hard, working up the urge to keep going
Hell, I’d done this many times before
Eyes swollen shut and ringed with dried blood
His nose, broken; the unnatural angle it tilted, granted mine was too.
My left arm hung limp by my side
I swung again, hard right, for the widening cut above his eye
But so did he
Same hard right, sent me back into the dirt
He fell too.
Blur in my left eye, mere pooling blood
One person among the crowd
A girl
My age, dark hair
It was brown or black?
A tank top and jean shorts
Stood watching the fight shaking her head
Her coy smile
“Boys will be boys”
Only to muster a smile back
A toothy stupid grin
My mouth and teeth rather bloody and red
I wanted to just look at her
But time would not allow
Staggering forward again
Wanted this to end
Wanted to wash my face
Fix the pain that was tearing my ribs,
Most importantly
I wanted to know who she was.
Both fists back up
Swung slow, left hook
Left my ribs wide open
Brought his leg around again
Harder than the first
Grunting in pain and barring my teeth
Anger kept me on my feet
Left arm down fast a
Trapping his leg against my side
My right fist onto his knee
A satisfying crack
A blood curdling yell
He sobbed
Gasping for breath
Through tears he put his fists back up
My shoulder then planted hard into his stomach
Slammed into hard concrete below
He grasped my back until his met concrete
Only good fist ready to finish the fight
Last punch down I stopped.
Anything more would have been cruel
“Damn John you look like hell!”
“Hey man,” I stopped him grabbing his arm, “who was that girl in the tank top, behind you earlier?”
He started to laugh. “Don’t concern yourself with that my friend, she’s too high class company for a guy like you.”
It hit him hard
and he was left dizzy and reeling
from the collision between his ears
and Penny's mouth
Still laid up in bed
she had been there for almost a year
a year since something else
hit her hard
Every day Kyle had visited
and waited for her to wake up
and the doctors warned that may never happen
but here she was
What were her first words when she woke up?
"Kyle," she asked.
Her voice was quiet
almost deleted by the hum of a dozen machines that had watched her as diligently as her husband had
but to Kyle, they were the bells on their wedding day
"Kyle," she asked, as he grasped her had tightly
the hand that, for the first time in a year, held his back,
"Where's the baby?"
it took until this summer
to realize that you are a liar.
walking up the stairs you avert your eyes
so you won't watch my hips
steady
slow
recently untouchable.
I watch you out of the corner of my eye
looking sideways at the floor
and fidgeting with your hair.
seated at a careful distance away from me in my armchair
and pacing around the room.
and then I see the bruises on your neck
again .
this is the last time I crumble before you
now is the time that I scream at two a.m. with open windows
now is the time for you to fuck off
so I say so
anger tightening the corners of your mouth
and pushing the lids of your eyes out so they bulge
you look like a fool
and you are.
it just took me until this summer to realize.
Slamming doors
banging doors
running about
the house
Yes, children make
noise.....but please
have some respect
For others ...
it's becoming quite
annoying .....
A habit every-time
it's the worst noise ever ......
Oh no not again
My head is beginning to burst...
Please just make it stop!!!
I cant think .......
I long for just a little bit
of piece and quiet....
I shouldn't of opened my mouth
fog transforms
careful wanderers into wild wanton beasts
kindergartners follow them right off the ledge
clutching lunch pails & daddy’s ideas
about class warfare
prices of coal, oil, other things doomed for obsolescence
& how not to love
just lie there without saying anything at all
& watch it all crumble back into squalling baby dinosaurs
it’s midnight & I’m with you
you’re learning about economics
hyperbole & statistics
the way my freckles move depending on my frown
& how not to trust
simply put
never bet on anything that talks
push your pencil close & mark me
my psychoses already knows what owns me
watch the pupils turn in the eyelids
hear me name the other thing that torments
move closer & pretend I called for you
cover my mouth with those utilitarian hands
remind me who I’m whipped by
take the throat
remind me who I stay by
& who I’m slain by
now
grab the blunt end & point the sharp one here
wipe the crust from your eyes
wake up! wake up!
God needs you.
The words keep
pouring out of my
mouth and flowing
so carelessly
from the tip of
the pen
and my deepest
thoughts
fabricated in
blackened ink
and I'm sorry
for it feels like my mind
could explode
soon
Sickly sweet and
disgustingly obscene
to be in love with
somebody
when you know you
really shouldn't
The taste of your lips
sugary and sweetened
but then
an underlying
taste of near-death
and fear
The taste of my heart
collapsing
and failing against
your mouth
pressing harder against
you and pulling you
close
I can taste it now
so clearly
the flavour of my
coming death and
the sting of falling
in love with
you
I can never have
you
and it was nothing
more than a candied
dream, and it can never
really be
But you tasted so alluring
and the feel of
your hands in my hair
sends shivers down
my fragile bones
and I miss that night
