Under the weight of this dawning light,
there is nothing left but a hollow soul.
I gave everything I had for a glimpse of the future,
a taste of the place we will soon call home.
Lovers and friends have withered away.
Tormented with life I stay the same the wrinkles of age have left me untouched.
Signatures in blood will leave your veins dry.
All the vibrant colors and shades that fill in the cryptic grey are left meaningless
when walking down desolated roads.
These grains of sand fall motionless, tormenting time and the reapers call,
trapped in shadows and lost in the essence of sanity.
Overwhelmed with desire for the crimson flow, I’m alone in this world a wanderer.
As the autumn leaves blow a youth in the mirror and a corpse deep down inside,
a glimpse of the future and a withering past tormented with a life,
that will always last.
I am afraid.
I am afraid because I am here
And I want to walk away
But instead I am right here.
I sit here.
Do I sit here?
I think I'm doing it
Just to see how long I can.
It's like holding your fingers over a burning candle
To see how long you can stand the heat
Before your skin blisters
And you pull away, defeated.
I sit still.
I always sit still when it hurts.
I think stillness
Started a few years ago.
When I first hit the ground
I was afraid to breathe.
It was like I had been dropped from a high bridge onto a concrete sidewalk
And I knew
Knew beyond any doubt
That things were broken.
Things inside were very very broken.
Things were splintered and punctured,
And if I moved, even to draw a breath,
I would bleed out right there.
I think that's when the stillness started.
And now whenever I am hurt
Whenever something hits me
I go still as stone
Except for shaking hands
That flutter, fragile and white, until I clasp them tight together.
The world moves around me
But I stay still as death
Not even daring to breathe
As if I will be found
As if I will tear apart into a million shreds of wasted paper
And drift to the floor.
I stay so still my muscles ache.
I never cry.
I can't cry.
I just sit there and feel how peculiar the sense of damage is.
How odd it is to be full of explosions and debris whipping around inside
An utterly motionless body.
And part of me, even as I feel
With how much I know I'd die if my body betrayed my anguish in real injury
Part of me looks on from above,
With a detached analysis
Of this and that
Of just where I feel this blow
And this stabbing pain,
Of just how each moment changes me.
I freeze like ice outside
And burn like hell inside.
It is the most curious sensation in the world
And I hate it so much I would die to escape it.
And yet when it comes upon me
I do nothing
Nothing at all.
I say nothing.
I turn to stone, part by part,
Like I'm being submerged in drying cement
And finally my lungs
The top of my head
Until all that is left
Are my eyes
I am paralyzed
And I look out on a world in motion
Moments before I was a part of the rhythm like a heartbeat
But that was moments ago,
And we all know how much can change in just a moment.
When I am stone
You can come at me with a chisel
And I will say nothing.
Bang bang bang
And little chunks come off
A shard of my cheek
A finger at the joint
The swell of my collarbone,
They crumble when struck
But I can't move an inch.
I sit still.
I always sit still.
My stillness is the waiting.
It is the wish
It is the craving
Hot and metallic
To do something
To slice away how much I hate my own helplessness.
It is knowing that there is a relief
Besides just being saved.
There is a way to save myself
From this chaos inside
A way to feel better
My stillness is the resistance
The longing and the "No, I can't."
The firm denial
Cold as ice
Hard as granite.
Is it strong to let the world dismantle you by the inch
When you know you could get there first?
Is it strong to sit and take take take
And do nothing whatsoever?
Is a statue strong
Or is it just
Whispers from a forgotten dream seem to swirl as the morning mist disturbed by a fleeting doe causes hurricane images across the panorama
Sun flecked water droplets fracture light sending prisms spinning around drab and worn flower printed wall paper
Dust, motionless hovers just in the line of sight creating a wash to blur and mental images take control of the projector while the audience pauses and holds it breath
Back alley sex
First grade recital
First rectal exam (licensed and private)
Her soft lips
Moaning fills the theater as her face once again becomes the only picture: in the sun, on the beach, eating a sandwich, cutting her toenails
It works every time he thought to himself as he refocused on the dawn breaking around him
Rays shining though fog induce mild hallucinations as inner demons look for ethereal access
And he thinks to himself, “She always quieted the voices.”
When my hand passes along your breast
—Your swooning tremors translated—
Done and quiet and motionless
Our appetites full and sated.
Nothing, no passion beats
Nor does heart sing of a bond
Mere means to untied ends
Cursed, that, to never go beyond.
Laying there, as you quake with delight
No feelings that burst
Try as I might
But, jewelry feigned and worn so prettily
Though you are not the first.
Wander oh, Wanderer
Through fields of cut-and-dry
And ponder oh, Ponderer
What it means, her and I.
Feelings professed in autumnal halls’ rain
True Heart’s contents gifted
Turned bed-pleasures again.
Is this then Love?
My mattress stained?
Is this then Love?
To entreat desires again?
My tongues are sincere, motivating that art
Painted with blood
Strained right from my heart.
But, perhaps, mine is a bad art
So prudish, so straight
Where her brushstrokes are cherished
Not the brilliance of her paint
Perhaps, then, I’m chasing
To find Love and love
Is what Lust is for,
So, then I lay empty
With misty dreams and starry eyes
My loving hands not deferred
But outright denied.
How can we, in what sense,
In Love’s definition confide?
To prove it’s only a metaphor:
Not literally applied.
In the light of the new morning,
He opens his eyes,
The Devil gets his warning,
And the heavens start to cry.
She utters a quick prayer
To always keep him safe
The Devil weeps in despair,
And a smile warps his face.
He was always quiet,
He was always kind,
At a young age the Devil tried to find,
But his mother’s prayer always declined.
One day she began to cough red,
The same day she breathed,
And the same breath she bled.
He clenched her on the bed,
She said her finals words and fled
The heavens began to dread,
The day the Devil would enter his head.
She looks beautiful walking down the aisle,
He greets her on the stand with a smile,
The priest begins the trial,
On Sunday the heavens sleep a while,
The Devil creeps out of denial.
She watches her son from above,
A tear rolls down her cheek,
She hears the Devil speak,
She tries to warn him,
But the heavens silence her screech.
The clock ticks,
He looks into its eyes,
His heart stops,
And the heavens start to cry.
He kisses her on the lips,
He cries his tears of wine,
The Devil feels fine,
Such an act must be sign.
He runs his fingers across the blade,
He looks into its eyes
He remembers his mother’s prayer
And his conscience begins to cry,
The tears of heaven begin to dry,
Like cancer it spreads across his mind,
While he begs the Devil to make him blind.
He looks all around,
His mind is deranged,
The Devil knew this was bound,
The heavens start to change.
He looks down at what could have been
He looks down at his biggest sin
The Devil only laughs,
While his world no longer spins
She comes home and it feels colder inside,
The man she loved has died,
And the Devil has taken his side.
She sees herself in the pool of red,
She sees it motionless on the bed,
She screams her scream of silent pain,
As the Devil slowly opens her vein
The wind is swooshing outside,
His heart is the Devil and his conscience is the Eye,
He gets up, weak with age,
The Devil cries his tears of sage.
His life is slipping away,
He goes and lies down in his grave,
He covers himself in his own pain,
The heavens begin to obey,
All in all, in the Devil’s cave.
I was stuck. I was stuck in every way a person can interpret that word. My body was stif and slack at the same time. Although I knew subtly where I was, I didn't know which way to walk, which way to face my body. I stood in a hallway, strings of people flowing around me like ocean currents. My head couldn't seem to comprehend what was happening. I stood motionless, the only thing I could feel was the rising panic coursing through my veins. I couldn't hear and my vision became blurry and everything moved slow. I could hear my heart, pounding slow and slower. I realized I had exhaled completely and tried to take a breath in, an choked. I couldn't breathe. And that's when I panicked. I felt you, I felt you next to me and in that moment you meant safety. So I tried to turn to you and you must've understood because the pain was reflected back onto your face. I was choking and my lungs wouldn't open, I needed to cry and I needed to scream but I couldn't move and everything was slowly closing in. Out of the suffocating silence I could vaguely hear my name being called, over and over. Each time increasing in volume and anxiety. Suddenly the voice had hands and they were clasped around my shoulders squeezing me. I stared blindly forward, mouth slightly open, trying to find words in the abyss of my brain and willing myself to take a breath. The only thing I could see were two blue gray eyes. They were wide and sincere. I blinked and slowly opened my eyes, I thought that if I just closed my eyes again I might find some relief. The only thing that kept me here, that kept me from crashing into the soft white void that threatened to collapse around me were those two beautiful, beautiful eyes. And all of a sudden I gasped, "I can't breathe." The eyes softened for a split second of relief and hardened into a determined stare. With one magnificent crash everything that I knew and every usual human sense, plus a few, returned to me. I could feel my own weight again, and man did I feel heavy. I knew I couldn't breathe and that I was moving very fast. I could feel rough hands on my body, one on my shoulder and one on my waist, red bricks were blurred to my left and suddenly I was sitting on the floor, cross legged, confused on how I had gotten there, facing the two blue eyes. Nothing felt right, but I could breathe again, I could hear his voice and I could hear mine, I understood what I was saying and what he was saying and he was telling me he loved me and that it would be okay and please bel, please, please, please open your mouth and take another breath. He was holding my hand so tight, and brushing hair off my face and I could barely get air to my lungs but I was still breathing and he was here, right here in front of me and I was somehow still alive.
Charlotte wrapped in silver tone.
Sprinkled flashing lights.
As others passed her by.
She's static in a noisy place.
In a half light of electric illumination.
She was beautiful.
A lady of elegance.
Wanted to go and see her nearer.
View her beauty close.
Want to touch her.
She was immense.
Never felt like this about a female form.
Who is the beautiful silver angel.
She is a carriage on an aged steam train.
Parked at the station.
Labelled with her name.
© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)
Trying to be happy
But i cant
the tears roll down my cheek
As i think about my Mums death
I struggle to cope
The loneliness looms
Like a dark shadow of fear
The fear takes me drives me insane
It makes me sick to the core of my being
The sunset is not clear
It has stretchered me to the limit
Early the sun rises
But my face hides
beneath the sheets
All has been exposed
causing me to face shame
To much heartache
to much pain broken down
The grief it's just to much
On the ground she's lays
Limp like a rag doll
So still she lies motionless
So still frozen
She's gone for good
One capable homicide.
you ruin me
and I'm a busted drum
unable to make a beat
or even a distant hum
you devastate me
and I'm a broken girl
no longer cute or sweet
just tiny motionless world
and I stop fast
without a doubt
I'm hopelessly tethered to you
like a lost child
in a crowded mall
it's painfully wild
and I can't seem to hear you call
you ruin me
and I'm completely useless
unable to hear, sing, or see
or even make a movement
you devastate me
and I'm trapped inside myself
unable to even bleed
as I sit upon a lone, dusty shelf
My teeth are clenched tight today
Cause they cant believe what my mouths gotta say
Words slip the gaps caused by plaque
Uttering facts I cant retract
My motionless body lays
Cause it cant believe what has become of my fate