My last words should I die tomorrow how I wish.

I'm just tired of feeling so hurt and lonely. The pain is far too much to handle. Depression is something I've struggle with for many years now. My many reasons to live were my family, my friends, but most of all my love. Even with those amazing people in my life the depression always hid underneath. Coming out to Barre its ugly teeth when I was intoxicated or vulnerable. I hurt the women I love most in this world. I can't stand to live with that. I'm tired of the many tears. I'm tired of the heart ache. I'm tired of ruining the good things in my life. Please remember me for the goodness in me and not my evil deeds. Rest assured I'm at peace now. I was rarely at peace alive. I hope everyone's dreams of an afterlife were true. I'd love to see those pearly gates or if what I did sends me to hell so be it. Maybe we are apart of gelatinous cube, one of my favorite ideas. If it wasn't I wouldn't have married it. I will never be entirely sure why you left me Alyssa but I love you and I want you to move on with your life. I was a destructive character in yours and everyone else's life. As you know, you're far better off without me. I made some big changes trying to clean up my act but instead it all just came crashing down. I'm glad I died still married to you and that cause that is how I would choose to go. Having had a loving wife who cared for me deeply. I'm wrapped in your favorite blanket, my head resting on a pillow that still smells like you. In one of my favorite places. Its a frequent of ours when we were stupid kids and we'd sneak out together. Little did I know she was my future wife. I just knew that I adored you. I'm holding the book of poetry you wrote me. I'd like to be barried with it unless Alyssa wants it. She can have anything she wants. You always were a sucker for a poet and I hate that you fell for cheap words when I would of bled right infront of you. You'll find a man with far less flaws and he'll sweep you off your feet. He'll treat you well and wont taint the memories like I did. When you broke up with me the first time. I cried harder then I had ever cried over a girl. You've found another poet in your life. This time when he dies or breaks your heart I wont be there to take you back. You were always my dream girl. My sweet love. My love was my name for you because you embodied every wish I ever sent to the universe. I just had some issues that we couldn't fix. So just hate me and move on. I know this will only push you further into the arms of another man. You were already there when you left though. I also want everyone to know that I want Alyssa to have all my belongings. She knows me better then anyone and she can burn it if she wants. I want her to have my life insurance money also. Please buy yourself something nice. I'm in the same place, in the same car looking over the beautiful lake remembering my perfect moments. When I still made you happy. I remember getting you to fall for me. I will never forget that unique connection we shared. We had so much in common. Our playful nature. The books we loved. The music we adored. How I fell inlove with your brothers. How I had to convince you Jacob was the greatest guy in the world and pushing you to make amends with Gille. I always tried to push you to better yourself and situations. I was off mark sometimes but Gille's your best friend now. You've come to realize how Jacob is an endless friend, a companion til the end. You were blind to so many gifts you were givin from birth. If there was any gift I could have givin you. It was to make you realize what you have. So go find someone better then me, don't ever settle for less then perfect or I'll haunt your sex life. They built a statue of us and put it on a mountain top. I want you to know I was endlessly lusting over you. When you thought the passion died. It was because I forgot what to do. I just needed a little guidance.

Yesterday brought me Tomorrow;
Tomorrow lacking Nothing-
Nothing and everything...

Why is the concept of being forgotten so paralyzingly terrifying to me?
Before the expanse of time,
none of us stand a chance of being remembered.
We will be swallowed up,
only be known as a statistic, a point of reference.
The thoughts we think are paramount
Quail before the laughing face of Time.
God will remember me,
so why do I care about what those on earth think?
Why do I care what people think?
What kind of sick bastards are we that we derive pleasure from others' pain?
Schadenfreude is alive and well
Unlike you and I
Why don't I throw up my hands
And succumb to the ravages of an indifferent Time
And an indifferent society
Why not let them win
Who values a game which is purposely weighted to one side
If not those who have waged something dear upon the outcome
The Ender inside me rejects the faulty system.

Why do I persevere for a "humanity"
which will never improve
In fact,
the more we evolve and know and comprehend,
The more apt we are to be heartless
Because why do we need a heart when we have a brain, Tinman?

Why do we care what we look like
Our bodies are merely
borrowed from the earth
And in the blink of eternity's eye
what we call ours
will belong to another

Why do we live in a world overflowing with bodies
And entirely lacking with people

Why can we satisfy any part of ourselves
by draping on borrowed emotions
Why is the false more alluring than the truth?
Show me an honest person
And I will show you an attractive one.

I am not you
you are not me
And we will never be
The same
Despite the pervading effort of our society
I will not be assimilated.

If we let people in,
They wouldn't hate
So why are we terrified of doing that
Is it because,
If everyone is in,
No one is
And in ceases to exist?

Why do we feel the urge to gloat about things we did not earn

Why does 1
Make more money than 2
Because his nose is straighter,
His hair is curly rather than straight,
Because 1 spends an eighth of his time in the gym
While the less attractive 2 spends 7/8 of his time
Screaming inside
At a society which has cut off its own ears that it can't won't hear.

Why are random genes a judge of worth
While character is a word so overplayed
It folded its hand long ago

Why is the face of a beautiful liar
Infinitely preferable
To that of a plain truthteller
Infinite whys
And a world which whispers
     Cradle me with your honeyed lies
     Assurances of past lullabies
     How do I trust what the mockingbird cries
     When even it runs from the skies
Why do so many see ourselves as bound and controlled by manipulated strings
When those strings are nothing but ropes with which we can escape

Why do we live on top of one another
Without deigning to know our prisonmate
Without so much as a spared thought
For the dead flailing beneath us

Why do I hold dearest to my heart
Past injustices
Counting them as the tiny, insidious proofs
That I am a good person
Because good does not exist without the bad
Relativity is the grip keeping us from sliding
Down.
Away.

Why is it that words spoken can never be taken back?
Simple. We can never reclaim what was never ours.
You think you are original in your menial thoughts
What have you done but regurgitate the thoughts of your predecessors?
Rearranging the same letters
To form the same tiresome conclusions.
We are the worst type of plagiarists.

Why is the only thing propelling you a sense of duty
Why are you devoutly loyal to objects rather than the people who happen to hold them

Why

Why do we invent reasons to hate one another
We take solace in the loopholes which justify our hatred
That we may not be like the "monsters" we condemn

Why are "we" and "they"
Not just markers of distance?
Why must they be very real, ubiquitous mentalities?

Why are somber topics the common stuff of jokes
Because we have grown numb enough to empathy
To shun it in favour of a laugh?

Why is suffering so prevalent
When we have an excess of affluence
Are such extremes what define us as a race?

Why is a white lamb the symbol of pristine innocence
When innocence is slaughtered day after day?
Why are sharks abhorred creatures even though
Our vicious attacks
Far outnumber theirs
Do we idealize them that we may have a reason
An excuse
To assert our dominance over yet one more
To feel the joy of crushing them underfoot
Why do we focus on certain images
When the true image of our society
Is the person who occurs each day,
Who breaks
The answer is because we know
that we
Are at fault.

Why when confronted about the tiniest aspect of ourselves
We rear our heads in defense
Backing up against the corner of idiocy
The walls built upon the truths we have fabricated
Why are the swirling armor of falsities so comforting
And when pierced
We rebel
With every bit of the person we have built
Lashing out as does a dog chained its entire life
But even a dog
Which is after all "just an animal"
Is not fool enough to delude itself into loving its chain.

No one warns you.
No one gives you a way to piece it all together.
No one gives you a sign to help you navigate what is ahead.
They don't tell you that you might expect worse than you could ever imagine.
The squalor.
The smell of piss.
On the person, on the floor, on the chair.
The kitchen becomes used as a toilet because there is no way the alcoholic can get upstairs.
The piss sticks to the skin.
Dries on the clothes.
No knickers.
No bra.
No sense of pride.

From a high flying career.
Travels the world.
Makes money.
Has ambition.
The manicured nails.
Pedicured toes.
The superbly fitted outfit.
Hair fixed by a stylist.

No one prepares you for the day that is ripped away.

You believe that it couldn't possibly happen.
And then slowly, it creeps up on you.
You mop the floor, buy in food, wash the clothes, clean the kitchen...
You try and pour the booze away.
You approach the tumbler praying it is filled with juice, like the alcoholic said.
You take a smell, red wine.
And then you see the bottles hidden behind the sofa.
1 litre or 2 litre bottles of whiskey.

It is on the alcoholics breath.
It seeps out of the alcoholics skin.
You retch at how strong the smell is.

You sit in A&E whilst the alcoholic sleeps off the booze.
They wake. Blame you for being here.
When in fact they called 999 after they take a fall to the floor and are so intoxicated they cannot get up.
You are driving down the road, you see the police.
Check.
Ambulance.
Shit.
You pray it is any house but the alcoholics.
You think this is it this time.
Death has a smell.

You find the alcoholic, sat on the floor, covered in their own piss and faeces.
You cannot stomach the putrid smell.
The heart races, you go white, the police man catches your fall.
You explain who you are.
Daughter?
No.
Relative?
Yes.
Niece.

The police man is lovely and actually shows more understanding than anyone "professional" has over these circumstances.
He advices you go to the hospital.
He will take you.

He advices you this because most alcoholics, sober up and walk out.
He doesn't think she should come home.
I agree.

I sit and continue to be spoken to as dirt.
I tell the doctor I will wait in the waiting room.
A half hour passes.
The come the tears, the sobs.

The alcoholic is discharged.
No one seems to understand this is a disease.
A mental disorder.

The doctors speak to you like shit.
Like it is you who is drunk and stinking of piss in her A&E.
Even when you cry she says there is nothing she can do.

"If I could wave a magic wand."
Well, fuck you.
Fuck you and your magic wand.
Your a waste of fucking space.
Of course I keep all this locked in.

I cannot take the alcoholic home.
I can't bear it.

The alcoholic dresses in her clothes that were taken off her as they stank of piss.
They have dried and the stench is hideous.
So much so you almost vomit on the doctors feet.

Once the alcoholic is dressed.
No kickers.
No bra.

I escort the alcoholic out.
The alcoholic asks reception for a taxi.

The alcoholic leaves in a cab.

An hour later the alcoholic calls.
The house has been broken into.
Things are missing.

No the police broke it down when you couldn't answer it.
And no, you left it in such a state because you are always too pissed to know otherwise.

Alcoholism isn't just about the addict.
It is about the mess one leaves behind.
The broken heart of a loved one.
A young woman, weeping in the waiting room after being yelled at for bringing the alcoholic to hospital.

Alcoholism is bitter.
It is twisted.
It leads only to hell.
It leaves a mud slide in its wake.

Alcoholism kills.
It kills the head, the heart and the soul.

An alcoholic almost killed me.

Welcome to the dawn of a new age,
open up the book and turn the page,
Be amazed by what you see, it's only the evolution of humanity
Who has the answers?
Lets ask the question,
it's as if no one is even paying attention.
Is it money? Which was created by man,
it does separate people, now are you starting to understand?
It's a trap, set by death, it wont stop,
till we breath our last breath,
That's right! Not even death is free, is money the mother of poverty?
overpopulation, segregation, a messed up nation, usually leads to mass anialation,
wartime, many battles rage on ,
Is it about hatred? Or is it a politicians song?
Time and space,
are they our final frontiers?
bombs explode and people run in fear,
a culture wiped out, to the future they are unknown,
will aliens from space ever invade our home?
Will we pledge allegiance to their flag?
Whatever may wave, whatever they have,
science there's the fiction and the fact,
but sometimes it is hard to believe all that,
Who will do it? Who will find the answers?
Prophets fall but not from cancers,
Who will stand up? Who will be the one?
To bring about change without firing a gun?
Every generation builds off the back of the last,
Sacrifices made but ignored,dooms us to repeat the past..

Greed! Greed! Greed!

The hammer cracks down his back
like a gavel. Spilling his metal guts-
shrapnel of silvery money
lighting up a boy's face
with consumerist gluttony.

At dream's end he is made whole again.
Returning in one piece on the straw floor.

The day is made
to fatten to grunt to situate the mud
with this drooling nose.
These devilish feet propping
my pink-tumored body,
my poor head, it thinks
and thinks and thinks...

What incantations
at midnight
will rise above
my sizzling blood,
churning in a witch’s mix-
a cauldron full-up
with animal carcasses?
With severed eyes and tongues
to curse and rot the world?

It is no more comforting
appearing in the morning,
crackling in a pan!
The corpulent preacher
muttering the Lord's Prayer
over my greasy, meaty slivers.
Brewing me
in stomach acids
alongside eggs, and a cup of orange juice.

These eulogies will not do.

What of my ancestors?
When demons stole their shape,
herding them towards a cliff?

What of the powdered whore,
who's cheeks appear with the pinks
behind my jeweled nose ring?

What are these pearls doing here?
Are they food?
Am I to snort them?

I already feel cultish.
When they picture just my face,
I feel it impaled upon their imaginations.

Wings-
the mocking things.
Behold!
Me leading the flock
on the air of the impossible,
migrating lies around mens' heads!

Why do I not possess the lullaby of sheep?

There there.
There there now pig.
For here you are,
On a chaise longue-
the poet's song.
Let your heavy head rest,
Remembering:

        A woman pours love, sweeter than perfume,
        on the feet of her son.
        The smallest of his holy toes bring him the most joy,
        all the way home.

I was no more than a small girl,
When a cat wondered to my front porch step.
A cat with jet black fur and
eyes like melted chocolate --
He was mystifying, interieging,
and I wanted him for my own.

I saved enough money so that:
Everyday, I put food out for him.
Everyday, I brought him toys to play with.
Everyday, we could talk for hours --
All on my front porch step.

One day, my dark eyed beauty spotted another.
She gave him better food.
She gave him fancy toys.
She offered more attention.
One day, he didn't come to my front porch step.

He was not mine to keep, so
I could not demand him back.
That day my mother taught me something:
"If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back, it was meant to be."

But he never came back.
He left me alone,
Alone on my front porch step.

I learned that day that love is selfish.
It demanded that I exclude myself to all but one.
I learned that love is cruel.
It's a drug that we're all addicted to.
I cried, all alone on my front porch step.

We sell two albums on itunes if you search loud with love

a doctors nothing more than a man in a coat
he makes promises to fix you to keep his life afloat

it isnt hard to see
they think lifes a game, and they'll sell you drugs if you let them happily

taking bribes from corporations, they do it so simply
then they push you out the door niftly
truley leaving you empty handed

placebo takes  effect
take the drugs til theres nothing left
while the doctor has the check
you should save that money for your rent

cant no man cure you, you're cured
cant no man undo damage done, thats what i heard
its what i know, and what I live to be true
so the next time a doctor tells you what to do
take it light heartedly , he's in it for the bribe see

we sell two albums on  itunes if you search loud with love


you should try
wake up with the sunrise
not to early, sleep in late
but when you wake up remember  a couple rules for your fate

step one, people before you have done alot
so youre gunna have to do alot if you wanna get where you want

you gotta believe in yourself, dont dwell, make your dreams come true,
dont let others hold you in a samn situation too long

be yourself, do what you do,
i stress the importance of being you even though its all that you can do

make money
build the support yourself
last thing you need is somebody elses help

be you
be someone someone can talk to
stay true
cuz lies you cant undo

when youre working hard, dont give up
dont be a fool giving your time to cigarette butts

stand tall
stand  proud
never scream
dont be too loud

listen to your elders
then smirk but not with your toungue
hold it all in
then laugh with someone

you should try because the finer things in life make life worth living
and you should try because times on your side and youre always winning
you should try to take what it is you want, and turn it into reality
you can do it if you really want, youre bound by gravity

aint got nothing but time, so keep your head up
aint got nothing but time so i hope you get what you want

and if you want  nothing, i hope you still try
for your friends and family
though we do all die
life isnt all sad
thats what this ones about
so i hope you try
and never drop out