We sat there,
Staring at each other,
Eyes fixed,
Knowing the others soul,
Turmoil turned to silence,
Waiting for what's next,
And for a very long time,
We waited,
Then you took my hand,
And said 'let's go',
I held your hand and asked 'where?',
'that way' you replied,
I was out of breath,
And followed,
Hands clasped,
Lulled into sleep,
Into a moment of dreams,
Dragged toward other stars,
Surrendered.

The morning started with a shower
Arms braced against the wall in a kind of supplication
Pushing hard so damn hard you want to fall
You let the water wash your  dreams and pain away

The morning started with you leaving
Saying I'm so nice as you walk out the door
I know your tired cause we didn't sleep
I remember your whispered promises that were quickly disposed of

The morning started with you lying next to me
While I played Rilo Kiley
So close I could touch you but I could tell you didn't want to be touched

"Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will help me this time..."

I played it in a moment of honesty
My one true expression as I watched the distance grow between us
I wanted to fuck you again cause I hoped it would mean something
Thank you for teaching me that the third time is the charm and the fourth is for sleeping not fucking
It's hard to find this kind of rejection early in the morning. Thanks for staying open late to accommodate me.

The morning started with me laughing  at you when you said where's the underwear?
Writers can laugh at painful parallels and prophesy true unintentionally but not uneventfully
It doesn't help me not want to fuck you again
So we fuck again for the third time. The last time.
You kiss less when your not drunk

The morning started with some smoke and water and generic Advil
Proscribed to all the fallen like vitamins
You look good naked
Next to me
I wonder what this morning will bring?

This morning started with me inside you the second time
You made me cum inside you like you wanted something that I had to give
Maybe love maybe pain -you did like to be hurt
You didn't remember that I said I want to hurt you less cause I actually like you
I choked you cause you wanted it more than me
I feel like Kriegers robot arm sometimes
Perhaps we could just affix a cock to the arm and I could be replaced
Go on vacation to the city of lost whore sluts
I hear the buffet there is wonderful

The morning started with me inside you
On the kitchen floor
I threw you up against the wall too hard
You fell down so I took you right there
On the linoluem Under flourecent lights
You were so tight and tender and tough
You fucked me desperately like you hadn't been getting enough
Sorry for banging your head up against the fridge

The morning started with you next to me
Both of us drunk
You kissed me right
Out of the many there are few that do it
It's a weakness for me and dangerous to believe in the power of knowing through a kiss
You dry humped me like a dog on speed
It felt good
That and the kissing
I said no
I wouldn't fuck you
Like I said before
You said it had been to long
That you never did this
I said I needed to wait
That I liked you
I didn't want you to be just a fuck
Not just for you
But for me
Sometimes even seasoned whores need to feel special
I said that I'd fall too quick
You can be very persuasive

The morning started with me on the couch with your friend
We had makers and he had Jameson
He called it neat but it had Ice
I didn't say anything
You told him that you knew me for a long time and that i was gay
In retrospect it probably helped that I talked about color and carpets and paintings and poetry
I tried not laugh as we tried to pass of our little deceptive parody
Sure it was successful but what does it really say about me that he'd believe it
Oh the irony of pretending to be gay to get a girl
The things we do
He left after a long soliloquy on decorating and fashion
I think you might be like me and sometimes confuse the facts of your friends and stories with your dreams
I thought your adept practiced and surreptitious deception was endearing
I wanted to kiss you all night so I was glad he left
After he was gone I told you in the bathroom that I wanted to kiss you all night and you dropped your pants and peed in front me
You looked at me like no big deal and said what I don't care
I really starting liking you then

The morning started at the bar the night before
You sat down and smiled and flirted with me
You told me I would have to wait a year and a half to fuck you
As we drank way too much and both grew more beautiful and gracious with every ounce of liquid forgetfulness

The morning started the night before at your work when I hit on you cause you were laughing and smiling and had a little halo

The morning started like any other morning
With lies and  rejection and sweetness and passion and loneliness
If I knew I was going to be used like this
I would have used a condom
Not to just protect against the std's but to protect from intimacy
I hope I won't fail on both counts
A little worried
That's why I write this story

Azrael Always James
© Copyright 2013

There is a certain thrill in the unfamiliarity of
a new wonder;
the nervous laughs,
the hand fumbles,
the shy glances,
and the flutters that you hope will never leave.
There is an even more certain serenity in
memorizing all the subtleties of this unknown territory
until it becomes your home.
There is nothing more captivating in suddenly realizing that
you are beginning to know
every wrinkle on her face,
every pitch of her laughter,
every song of her voice.

There is nothing more divine than the moment
that you can retrace the entire landscape of her
wondrous body that was once unknown, undiscovered
by your hands.
You can sculpt every mountain,
every valley, every curve of every shore
across this land that lies bare beside you.
You watch as you trigger chills across
her skin as if a crisp fall air has just rid trees of
their burnt leaves..only because you know just
the place that that fall air comes from.
You press your lips against the sternum because
you know that it feels as if you are submerging your
body into a hot spring in the middle of a harsh winter.
You kiss her cheek right before her ear because
you know that the noise that will escape her lips is
nothing compared to your favorite symphony.

She is a masterpiece at every angle, every crease,
and every laugh line.
And suddenly, you are home at last.

Just because you look at me the way in which you do
Is just the.  Fire I require just to see the hard things through.

Just because I look away sometimes when you are near is just the
Little boy in me just loving you my dear.

Just a moment if you please to still my weak and shaky knees
When you hold me close in your caress .my ear pressed gently to your breast. As our breathing slows and senses clear.

Just say that you will always love me.
Need me, trust me hold. me.

In your heart.
In your dreams .
In your world. For
Just forever.
That is all.

It's a shame to see someone reach a moment when everything is so overwhelming that they'd prefer to cease their breathing  than to feel it for another second.

It's even worse to understand that the only time you actually see it is after a blade or a bottle of pills; or maybe a gun or some rope.

You only know it when you read the scrawled out goodbyes of the quiet girl who seemed to have everything right in life.
But still you never truly know.
You never truly feel her pain.

This is for the ones who couldn't make it.
For the ones who had it hard and couldn't push on.
Those who fought with everything they had until there was nothing left.
The ones who felt they were never good enough, or that no one cared.
And for the ones who were never given a chance.

I'm sorry for the hate you endured, the pain you felt, and the people who didn't see. Or those who chose not to.

I'm sorry for the moments when all that was holding you back was a song, or a band, instead of a loving hand.

I'm sorry we couldn't be there.
You are not forgotten.

not very long ago i thought i was going to say to you,
"i love you."
i thought i would say,
"i want you,
and i hope you want me too,"
and i thought that maybe it was what i wanted.
but where has the innocence gone,
and where is the love?
and when did i stop needing you,
and more importantly when did i start again?
and then not very long ago
i was filled with the kind of anger and disgust i'd forgotten i could feel for you.
it took the words and the breath right out of me.
i'd forgotten that part of loving you,
and all at once i remembered again.
it took the want and the respect right out of me
and it filled me with the deepest sadness.
a moment of short-sighted drunkenness,
it's not what i should remember about you.
it shouldn't consume the thousands of goodnesses i see in you
but it does.
a few hours ago i was in a place we shared once
and i ached for you so badly
and now, again, i am hollow.
you fill me up and you hollow me out and i forgot that wanting you is exhausting,
but i remember now
and now, again, i am lost.
and i hope you fucking read this and i hope it pisses you off
and i hope it makes you think i'm immature or reactionary or naive
and i hope it makes you indignant or dismissive or i hope you don't give a shit.
jesus, i hope it makes you think all sorts of terrible things about me,
i really do.
i hope it makes you think i'm pathetic,
i hope you think it's unfair.
and you're damn right, i hold you accountable,
because you're better than all of them put together
and you act like it one and a half times out of ten.
you disappoint me as often as not, now.
isn't that terrible?
i used to think the sun rose on you,
i used to think it set on you,
i used to think you were everything in between.
not very long ago i was going to tell you.
i was going to sit you down and say it all to you
i was going to speak until i'd done everything i could do,
but now
i'd really rather not even look at you.
maybe i'll love you again and i will again allow myself to be filled by you,
to feel all the things in the world for you, to burst with love and with pain,
but tonight you hollowed me.
you left me shocked and sick and numb tonight,
angry and disgusted.
tonight you exhausted all the light i put to you,
you burned all the love,
burned it and scattered the ashes, and you saved me from putting it back together again.
it's over now.

The heat of the sun encasing my body.
The ocean as magnificent as ever.
The blaring music flowing over me,
I sit here just taking it all in.
Enjoying every moment of it.
Loving the amazing relaxation vacation brings.
Swimming in the Caribbean ocean,
The coolness of the water just spreads over you.
Getting to swim with such amazing creatures.
Playing with dolphins,
Holding stingrays,
Snorkeling and getting to see the beauty of the ocean like they do.
Looking at such gorgeous plants and fish.
My favorite part is...
Sitting on the boat with the wind blowing my hair back.
The water going as far as you can see every direction.
Love being on the water.
Being able to relax,
to read anytime...
Eating the most amazing food!
Meeting the most amazing people!
Spending all night dancing,
Running around screaming with friends.
Until your feet fell like they're gonna bleed.
Having fun.
Enjoying every minute away from reality.
These are some of the joys of vacation.