I came home again,
hoping the thoughts and ties which I had with you were long gone
it has been so long, anyways.
I drove past all the places which we used to go
looking so stoic and almost menacing
as if they were mocking me with what I no longer had.
The time I spent away from this place
only made the memories grow dimmer,
and I hoped I'd never have to visit them myself.
Because when I'm here,
everything seems so much closer
I could just reach out and take your hand
if you'd only allow me to.
Time and distance have been so cruel to me,
the time always being in my favor,
but the distance never the same.
I wonder when I can come home without you chiseling your way through my skull
and into my mind.
I took a long drive alone,
and wondered what it would be like with you in the seat next to me
that familiar face
was always so comforting
but it doesn't matter anymore.
I'll do well on my own for a couple days,
maybe even a week,
before I fall back into the same pattern of missing you
and not missing you.
They forgot to tell me that the loneliness after you left
would always be worse than the loneliness before we met.
I truly have
what I know
what I believe...
It's a detailed.
an ever present pull...
with stubborn intent
often directly opposed
To the path
which I am on...
When I was much younger
I developed a systemic
and purposeful mission
to design the person
I was to become
I had carefully weighed...
tested and mapped out
finally setteling on
and a type of lifestyle...
the allows me
a precarious balance...
between honor, appearances
and fair exchange ..
friendship, acceptance and fun...
during my colorful
Like I said...
Once I found my path...
I stubbornly believed...
That no others...
...hee hee hee
As we all know...
life happens ...
...and I rolled
and always seed to manage
But I didn't bloom...
I just became really good
at being me.
a really good second...
To want a memory that can’t be remembered, can’t be remade, thats the memory
she wanted. To live in that moment with that family of hers. The one in the picture
tucked in her book. She too wanted to be stuck in that grainy old photo,
between mom and dad and in front of her brother. She wished she was there, right there
in that moment. Captured in that photo now scuffed on the edge. To stand in the place
where she wanted to be. She too wanted to smile with a toothy grin, to hold onto the hand
of her mother. She will never remember a moment with them, as she will never
have a memory of them. She has a photo of her family missing her face.
A picture of a life of what to her could be strangers. No one to know
she did have a home. None to think she was wanted. Only to question
how she wound up alone wandering around with a book. She won’t be remembered,
won’t be remade, and now thats the memory she wanted.
I'm missing you
the same way that I always do
when you're not here with me
and I'm not next to you
This bed is lonely
as I lay here with me only
I want to sleep
but I think I'm into deep
I'm in over my head
drowning in this sea of doubt
Tossing and turning
as my lungs are burning
It's like I'm blind
I can't find my way out
I'm here in the dark dreaming of you
but I can't close my eyes
because then I can't see you
I don't want to just dream
Cause dreams don't always come true
I want this to be real
something I can let myself fall into
Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
You try and tear me down
but your words don't even matter
All they are is a bunch of jibber jabber
We are the ones who you discarded
That's okay because within me is where this all started
You treat me like I'm dirt
when I'm the one who gave birth
I brought into the world a little human being
all you did was shoot a little sperm up inside of me
I'm making all the sacrifices and
You ain't giving up shit
I have no freedom
You still come and go as you please
I go to work
I make ends meet
I have no life except for the one that we made
You gave that up and I'm the one who stayed
So you want to try and run me down?!
To you I will never bow!
I'm still lying in the bed that we made together
And I'll be cleaning up the mess from here on after
I've done it all
Our son is okay
And it's all thanks to me
You have no part in this little boys life
Your only purpose is to try and cause pain and strife
You're missing out
I'm here for it all
I get the shitty diapers and pick him up when he falls
I get his first smile and the light in his eyes
all you get is severed ties
I get the bumps and bruises
the giggles and sighs
While you're out getting on your high
I see the adoration and love in his eyes
I'm here wiping away all the tears when he cries
I get his affection and kisses too
And you're getting what's been coming to you
So you want to issue idle threats
and talk a big game
I know it's all bullshit you never follow through
with anything that you say
You think being a parent is a convenience
well maybe you should get a clue
Everything that's being done is all because of you
So go ahead and blame everyone you see
because it's nobodies fault but your very own
that you're not the man you outta be
You think you're angry
well how do you think I feel
I'm the one here on a daily basis having to deal
My life is harder than it ever should of been
I don't even know if I can ever love again
These emotions that within me dwell
are like a broken bone they ache and swell
You think you're a father
Honey, you don't know a thing
You're just a baby daddy
Who doesn't have a name.
Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
If you weren't you and i wasn't me...
Some way some how this could be...
That what ever us missing must be the key...
Lost in that one summer of glee...
What once was passion turned to misery...
No more us, there was no more we...
Lived through spite and hypocrisy...
Every now and then I wonder how could this be...
I lost the person I was once before, but not anymore you see...
So hear my plea...
I apologize in advance but I must go off in search of me...
The past is a puzzle,
Better yet, like a broken mirror.
Try piecing it together,
And you cut yourself,
Over and over
With new red smears across your image.
Your image keeps shifting.
You change with it.
No matter how hard you try there's still cracks.
It could destroy you,
drive you mad.
Make you insane
But yet you hang on to
That one day,
It could set you free.
Capone in a cell
Vonnie in a casket
I ripped my heart out
and I put it in a basket.
Feelings no attachments
in this cold world.
Always watch my six
Fellas protect your girls.
Always love your mother
in her womb you were curled
through her canal you were birthed,
So know a woman's worth.
Stay alert in a city
where the vices can be tempting
Fast money, drugs, sex
and evil women.
It's full of snakes and villains,
plotting on the children,
while claiming they are Christian.
There's always something missing
skeptics discredit religion,
I write what's on my mind
to escape this mental prison.
My senses remember it
better than my
and maybe it's the memory
of you that's lead me back
to this place. Where my skin
shakes like small coils of wire
shot with electricity
but it's a nervous,
nerve reflex and not proof
that I'm alive
my limbs hanging like
the branches of a
a cool breeze
I always felt new with
winter. Ice beneath
my feet. Itchy woollen
jumpers and the smell
but you stole my seasons
the way you stole my
heart and now a cold
breeze sends me into
dirty footprints on
dead ground. Black
coats and boots
and the smell of your
body, missing, and
the sound of my neck,
caressed by a white scarf,
It's like waiting for morphine. Empty needles in my arm only intensifying my missing you
I never thought it would bug me this much, never thought I would find myself waiting for a message
Hopeless and romantic, but I never put the two together. Yet here I am, roses in hand
I know they'll die before you ever get to see them. And maybe that was the point all along
Like us, the flowers feel the strain of gravity pulling them together and reality pushing them apart