We're one half of a pair of jigsaw puzzle
and like many puzzles, we will meet
the wrong other half
before we find one that is made
to fit with us
but what if along the way,
in the process of finding our other half
we have deformed ourselves
in order to try and fit with the ones
that are just not meant for us?
Does it mean our original shape will no longer
be for the one we're destined for?
And we missed the chance of our
fated happily forever and after?
Or are we meant to be damaged?
So we can fit with another shape
that is also damaged,
but the type of damage that is supposed
to go along with you?

i will always associate back flips
with my first "boyfriend" in the third
grade who has probably now grown
up to be the type of guy who takes
pictures of himself shirtless in the bathroom
mirror and tells his girlfriend that she's pretty
but not quite as pretty as he is.

i will always associate playgrounds
with my elementary school sweetheart
and hearing my favorite love song and
him walking five steps behind and defending
me when he thought i needed it.

i will always associate the rain
with wet tables and standing up
and laughing with friends and talking
and being wrapped in someone's arms
for the very first time and hearing "i missed you."

i will always associate "almosts" with the guy
i never really realized i wanted until it was too late
and seeing him walk around holding the hand of the
girl who wanted him when i didn't and seeing him kiss
her the way he wanted to kiss me once upon a time
and with screwing up really really irreparably bad this time.

i will always associate short time periods with the two weeks
when i belonged to someone I never expected to want,
when he kissed me like i mattered,
when he held me as though he would never let go
and then told me we should "take a break" and
come back to us when the "time was right."

and i will always associate happiness with these times
when i was loved and wanted and needed for just a little while
and believing for just a moment that i was special.

and you know what else?

i will always associate failure with the entrance of something better
i will associate failure with a narrow escape because if it were meant
for me to have then i would have had it but it's not so i don't.

i will always associate life with beautiful complications.

---
you missed the first curve, she said,
you see all the good girls are already
getting married at your age.
you're just going to have to wait
for the second. when the divorces start up.
when the bisexuals calm down.
---

How I missed, how I missed the wonder in your eyes
The smiles at our hellos, and the pouts at our goodbyes
How we kissed, how we kissed only heaven could have devised
The passion with the moon, and the beauty of sunrise

How I wish, how I wish on stars to make this bloom
The stars over your bed, and windows of your room
How we squish, how we swish the smell of your perfume
The blankets with the pillows, and the smile to resume

How it is, how it is will be left for fate to tell
The anxious of a call, and the sound of the bell
How it tis, how it tis will beyond me compel
The things I do, and do them well.
So please don’t give me hell,
Just answer your cell.

Ah, such an unreality, writing poems,
" tell that strange boy to go home."
Ah, such a non profit, being the poet,
only enterprising cursive, blades of grass
before I mow it.
and back in a classroom, with stone walls,
I stared out a window, tho no windows at'all.
so they hauled me to the cellar with four mates,
cold block wall that defied the teacher's tape,
she missed the breeze-- not stone--knocking posters down.
so I created windows for our lost and found,
she was so elated, and one grade I was propelled,
and a gold plaque on that stone held.
and if I cite her, " Oh, you can be a doctor or lawyer,..."
with no mention of 'writer.'

ah, no profit to be a poet under those halls,
but revivifying that teacher, and re-animating those walls.

My world is spinning underneath me
And I've lost my ability to stand
My paint is chipping as my life begins to defeat me
And I could really use a hand
But I'm bad at asking for help

This is a cry for
"I'm in a crisis"
Left to my own devices
and my track record says I tend to make incorrect choices

But the voices of my friends
say "It gets better in the end"
and I know life is a cluster
of lies we tell one another
So happy birthday, Earth
Sorry I missed your call
I've been hiding all winter
sick in spring
hoping to be dead by summer

If my mind were the Wild West
Girl, you'd be my Fort Sumner
Call me Billy
and shoot me before I get away

Knowing what and what not to say is painful,
never knowing the outcome.
The wonder in our words unspoken
echo across exposed skin.
Trying to hide the truth may not be the way to go,
but can be inevitable if it wants to be found.

Sigh and empty your invisible wounds,
lay them in this kiss.
They will forever be forgotten
and never will be missed.

The pain felt by others may be my only weakness.
My empathy overpowering.
Used to hiding the emotions I steal
in strange looks and heated kisses
My mind and soul are hidden, even if not for long.
If only I could keep it from those who are there.

Sigh and empty your invisible wounds,
lay them in this kiss.
They will forever be forgotten
and never will be missed.

Time is passed as we  grow stronger,
but the agony we bare remains.
This confusion entices me, telling me to give in.
Who can I turn to?
What can i do?
Nothing is helping and i wont go to you.

This pain is mine alone.
Not for you to see.
my purpose now is to run
And make it all unknown.

Do you remember the way I couldn't keep my eyes off you?
The way that I couldn't keep my hands off you?
How a smile crossed my face when you were in sight?
My God, I couldn't even feel your warmth because it was a spark to my sexy imagination.
Do you remember my texts?
My pictures?
My late night outfits?
Dinners?
Dancing?
Oh how crazy I was about you!
It was almost love..

Almost.

I remember how suddenly you just stopped calling.
I remember how I was left waiting for you to pick me up on Saturday night.
I remember you stopped answering.
How you stopped trying.
You wouldn't even hold my hand.
I remember how I would call you and you wouldn't answer
You just left...

Gone.

Now you're back, and as much as I wish we could get back what we had, you see; its gone.
You missed this train.

You could have been the one, enjoying, celebrating life, but you missed it.
It's gone, and almost doesn't count.